Tag: chronic illness

Book gone live and other Monday things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Book gone live and other Monday things

I have no idea how many hours of sleep I got. I had a rough night plagued with suicidal thoughts, deep depression, physical and emotional pain, and restlessness. I know it was probably dawn when I fell asleep and then my alarm went off. I was so rushed because I had about a half hour to get ready before the bus came. I forgot to take my morning meds. I ended up taking the Trileptal when I got home from therapy.

I didn’t have that much funds so it was just a reward drink I got. I wasn’t hungry and I forgot to bring a pop tart with me in my haste. Wed I hope to have more time as I don’t have to leave early as I won’t be going to Starbucks. I will just have coffee at home before leaving. Therapy went okay. We talked about how my bladder is stubborn, my losing weight from loss of appetite, and editing my second book and then re-publishing it. OMG what a fucking hassle that was. Createspace joined Kindle so they are the same right now. And the stupid thing format was worse than Createspace. I couldn’t add a blurb about the author. I had to redo the thing to get the damn back cover blurb changed. Then I forgot to order a proof, which I am so mad at. I had hit click too fast. Amazon at least gave you the option before the final click! Then I check the website and my book is discounted by $15! WTF. I couldn’t believe it. And only 1 is in stock, which is bullshit because they print them as they are ordered.

On the way home from therapy, I went to the grocery store to use the last of my food stamps for some steak and coffee. I really like the iced coffee. No mess, just pour and serve. Easy. My mother is sick. I have no idea where she got it from as she has been home the last few days, unless she got it from her sister, I don’t know. I just hope I don’t get it. I made myself a steak and cheese sandwich and then what my mother wanted for dinner. I then went upstairs and rested and all hell broke loose. My foot yelled at me and my back was crying. I wanted another sandwich, though. I waited for the pain meds to kick in and when they did, I went downstairs. I gave my mother some cough drops and then made the sandwich. I didn’t use as much pepper this time. I feel a little better now that I have some decent food in me. I have enough steak for 2 more sandwiches. My mother doesn’t like steak so it is all mine!

I got to order more copies of the new edit next week when I get paid. My friend in Canada wants one and I think I am going to recycle the ones I have. I will just order about 6 copies as they aren’t flying off the shelves anyway. I don’t think I have posted to Facebook yet. I got to check my page. Sometimes I post things twice because I forget I posted. Or I think I posted but it was really on Twitter.

Back pain, sleeping, and feeling like shit

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Back pain, sleeping, and feeling like shit

I woke up with my back hurting me. I have no idea if it was due to rain (probably) or the way I was sleeping. I slowly got up to take my meds and use the bathroom. I got back to my room and my upper back was cramping. I think I must have taken an Ativan because I didn’t wake up until my stupid mother called around 2 asking where I was. Fucking sleeping. Leave me alone!! I called her back around 3 and she wanted to know what was for dinner. She asked if I wanted raviolis or spaghetti. I wasn’t in a sauce mood so I said macaroni and cheese the way she does it. She makes elbow macaroni then puts American cheese on top, microwaves for 50 seconds and boom, dinnah! She said yes to that.

I got up and was mad she woke me up. I hate when I get into these sleeping modes. It is like I can’t get out of them. I had wanted to get up around noon to possibly make some eggs and then work on my book but that wasn’t happening, least not right now. I went through the book and put tabs in the book where there were corrections to be made. I also put an arrow in the mark if the next page also needed corrections. I didn’t want to use up all my Post It things. I will probably order another package or get them at Walgreens the next time I go.

I made supper and there were different dishes all over the counter. I had to put away some when my mother came in the kitchen while I was making the elbows. I had a pop tart to hold me over. I wasn’t very hungry today. I don’t know where my appetite went. I got to see if maybe it is a side effect of T (doubtful). Maybe lowering the dose of my mood stabilizer caused my appetite to be lower. I don’t know. It has been low since the whole sodium thing started. I have lost 8 pounds, if my scale is right. I don’t know what it will be at the doctor’s office. I swear they add weight so you are heavier than you are. If they didn’t cost to much, I would buy one just to see. I don’t see my PCP until January. It will be at the new location, which means I have to go to another way to the office and will be a bitch when I have to get my pain meds. I am going to see if he will give them to me when I see him so I don’t have to come back. I hope he won’t be a dick about this. But I don’t think so as I will just be getting my scripts a couple weeks before I see him.

I don’t know if I mentioned this, but I joined a writing community on Twitter. My followers have jumped over 200 follows since I joined. For the first day or two, I was struggling to follow back those that followed me. OMG it was nuts and my mentions went berserk! I am glad I joined because there are people I can talk to about writing and publishing and all things related. I was talking to someone last night about my book that I am editing. She was encouraging but when I brought up that it was on mental illness, the encouragement kind of dropped. It is a hard area for people. I gave them the link to my memoir and there were more mentions/notifications, LOL. OMG this community is great. I hope to get pointers and stuff. I responded to a publisher that was looking for someone to write their blog. They wanted me to write a blog about what got me into writing, a bio, and a picture. I don’t know if I want to do all that for a blog. I don’t really like how I look. I really don’t know what got me into writing and I certainly don’t have a bio. Just so many things to do and I hate it. I have to think about it. I really don’t want my bio on the web, though I am sure it is already out there, without my consent. Hell, people are trying to buy medical data and law enforcement has gone through my medical records because of the meds I take. I don’t like that at all. It pisses me off. I am sure if the members of congress had to have their records scrutinized by the police, they would have thought more (I hope) about the stupid PMPD or whatever it is called that gives them access. This is all without warrants!! Fucking stupid Congress has to GO. Hope it happens soon!

Doing things, editing, and hurting because of doing things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Doing things, editing, and hurting because of doing things

So there has been a cookie recipe that I have been meaning to try but it needs fricken flaxseed meal and I haven’t had the chance to buy some. So I thought I would just make regular chocolate chip cookies and throw in some oats like the other recipe said to do as I love oats. I took out the butter and the chips. I made breakfast. Then I put my jacket, hat, and scarf in the wash. I wrapped a Christmas gift with the guidance of my mother as I SUCK at wrapping. I put my Powerade bottles in recycled bags so they would be easier to transport to my room. My back was killing me. I then went up to my room to edit my book. I have no idea what the fuck I did but I reached for something on my bed and my back didn’t like it. Now the skin where it hurt is very sensitive to the touch.

I got a good chunk of my editing done. While I was reading my book, I was feeling all these emotions, mostly sadness. I was also thinking of a better blurb for the back of the book and wrote a quick paragraph while I was taking a break in between stories. I can’t believe I wrote about my abuse history with my father in this book and the sexual abuse of the cousin even though I didn’t name him. I still can’t believe how powerful my writing is and it amazes me. I had to put some kind of notation at the beginning in case this triggered someone and gave some crisis numbers just in case. When I published this two years ago, I honestly didn’t think I wrote about suicide, but I did and a lot about depression so I felt I had to include that just in case. I really don’t want to be sued over someone who reads my book and then does something. I wrote a lot about my former therapist and how she was. I haven’t come across the story about trees and roots which is about my therapist and psychiatrist keeping me here. I am not sure if I took the story out or not. There are a few errors as I go along but mostly it is my use of the wrong word or saying no instead of not. Not huge things. I am changing things around, small things, not big ones. It is kind of draining me because the emotions are so high at times.

I went back to the kitchen for some ice cream and when I was finished, my foot started acting up. I was supposed to make supper for my mother and I. Now I regretted it. I took a breakthrough med and I wanted to take a Neurontin but it was way too early to. I would be a zombie and I don’t think I would be able to try and finish the editing. I have about 20 pages left or so. Going to try and finish tonight. But pain is being a damn bitch so who knows.

Fatigue is killing me!!!

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Fatigue is killing me!!!

My alarm went off and I took my meds. I checked to see when my delivery would be here. It said in about 40 minutes. I quickly made some coffee and had a few sips when the truck came. The delivery didn’t include a few bottle of Powerade and the buffalo wings I had wanted to make for dinner. UGH. I guess it is ramen noodles or something. After I put everything away and then fixed the Powerade bottles so I could take a bag up to my room, I was exhausted. The weather took out my back so I was working slowly. Now I need a nap.

I emailed my psychiatrist around 8 last night to tell her I was frustrated with feeling like shit and being tired all the time worse than I usually am. I waited for a response and got none. It is now almost noon and still no response, I am ready to page her as I want to decrease my dose of my mood stabilizer even before my blood tests. I am just so fucking tired. Doesn’t help that my foot is going fucking bananas right now. It feels like a grater is grating the top of my foot. It is so sensitive right now.

I got an area of my stomach is killing me. Feels like gas is trapped and won’t go anywhere. Just fucking lovely. I have no idea if it is gas or shit. I don’t care but it better be moving because it hurts. I might take some miralax. That might work but if it doesn’t and works tomorrow, I am screwed because I will be out. I am ready to email my doc and say fuck it, I am decreasing my dose by 300 mg. And watch my sodium levels will be higher. (Don’t know if this will happen but I hope it will be so.)

I think I have to take some Neurontin because my foot is not calming down at all. Neuropathy is such a fun thing (being sarcastic here). It really sucks. But the pain is always so different. Drives me fucking crazy.

I am feeling really depressed and feeling like a nothing. Seems like everyone can do things I can’t. I hate that people can walk their dogs or go for walks period and I am over here struggling just to walk down my hallway and around the kitchen.

My lunatic aunt called to say to look out for my mother. When my mother came home, she called out for me. I asked what, and she told me I had a package. It was from my friend that is not doing so well. I honestly didn’t expect a package from him this year because of all his troubles. It was nice that he sent it to me. Now I got to get around to call him. Anyways, I went downstairs, barefoot, and then went to the kitchen where my ankle pain shot up so high my mother thought I was crying. I could have been the pain was so bad. I waited for it to pass but it didn’t. I opened the package and then put the fruit and nuts away. Then put the box in the recycle pile and went upstairs. I had to stop a few times because of pain.

I had a message from my psychiatrist when I got back to my room. WTF she didn’t understand what I have been telling her. I felt like telling her off but I didn’t. I simply said that if I don’t lower the dose of the medication, I won’t be seeing my pcp tomorrow because I will have no energy! I haven’t had a response. I honestly don’t expect one. It is my body and I will do whatever I want to get it so that it somewhat cooperates the way it is supposed to be and if taking 300 mg less of what I take will do that, so be it. I had a salty lunch of Ramen noodles and crackers. I had bought these crackers that were cheese and peanut butter but the filling was just peanut butter so the crackers must have been cheese crackers, I guess. They were good and salty so I didn’t care. If I am up to it, I might make a turkey Shepard’s pie. I really don’t want peas and pasta. I took some Neurontin to calm down the crazy nerve pain I am having. I have no idea if it is going to knock me out or make me goofy. Either case, I will be taking a nap soon and hope that my damn foot pain doesn’t increase. I am just so wiped out that if I don’t sleep, I don’t think I will be making anything.