Tag: chronic pain

nervous and just waiting

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Nervous and just waiting

I got everything sorted out as much as I can. I think I will get up at 6 tomorrow so I can shower and take my meds. T shot has been given. It was a little bloody but it got done. I hate when I hit a vein. I am so nervous about tomorrow. I treated myself to a chicken, ziti, and broccoli dish and was only able to eat half of it. I haven’t eaten anything else. Nerves are too much. I might have an Ensure with my night meds as last night I took it on an empty stomach and felt sick. I am supposed to have at least 350 cals with the Latuda. Usually I have a big meal around 4-5 but I wasn’t hungry yesterday. I can’t eat anything after 10pm and then can only drink clear liquids until 830a tomorrow.

I had my last PT session today. She gave me some tips for after surgery. I really am going to miss her. She encouraged me to get PT after surgery once I am able to. She left it up to me as my doc said I didn’t need it. I can always get the order from my PCP. I picked up a thank you card when I was at the pharmacy to pick up my psych meds. It was the last of the meds I needed for the month. Everything else is all set.

I keep doing little things as I think of them. Like making sure I have a bag of Gatorade by the bed. It might be hard to bend down so I am going to put some on a shelf by the bed so I just have to reach for them. I haven’t moved the basket out of the way yet. I will in a little while. I am so fucking nervous and I am trying to calm down. Sox had a double header and lost the first game. Our bullpen sucks now and I don’t know why that is. It has been months since the sticky stuff ban so they shouldn’t still be bad but they are. Also doesn’t help that when bases are loaded and no one is out, no one can get a fucking hit. They will ground into a double play or have a pop out or strike out. Kills me hearing it. I don’t watch the games because sitting up hurts my leg.

I shaved after I showered and I think I missed a spot on the back of my head. I will have to go over it the next time I go to the bathroom. I like that I have been keeping up with the shaving. I don’t know if I will after surgery. Depends on how much pain I am in standing up. I am worried about post op pain. I have enough meds so I know I will be comfortable or at least I should be comfortable. I have a friend that went through this not too long ago and she helped talk me through aftercare. I am hoping to be numb for a while.

therapy and self-validation

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, COVID19, CRPS, depression

Therapy and self-validation

Today has been a day. I had woken up around 330 because I had to pee. I made sure my bladder was empty and didn’t drink anything after I cathed around 2130 so in the 6 hours I had made urine and it had to be emptied. I kept on having weird dreams about going to the lab to drop off a urine specimen and the first sample was robbed. When I went to give another one, all the bathrooms were locked. You needed a key code to unlock it. I woke up groggy and hung over. I didn’t want to get up but I wanted coffee before therapy so I got up. I really need to start getting up when I wake up, as long as it isn’t between the hours of 12-4a. I am willing to get up at 4 if I know I can nap, which I usually can.

Therapy went a little stressful. We continued our conversation from last session about self-care and coping skills. We spent the entire session talking about how to use coping skills and such. I told her that my sister invalidated me and there is no way in fucking hell she is ever going to have compassion for me being disabled so I got to learn self-validation to overcome the feelings. It is something I am to work on till our next appointment.

After session, I took a shower. It was much needed as I was all sweaty and stinky. I shaved and trimmed my hair a little bit. I did the right side better than the left. The shower caused me so much pain. The shaving caused my arms to flare up so washing my hair caused my upper back to cramp up. My feet were bothering me or cramping because of me shift weight on them. The shower mat doesn’t cover all of the shower floor so I had to be mindful of where I stepped or I would slip. Drying off I almost fell forward as I almost lost my balance. It was not a good experience. I was exhausted and needed a little nap before heading to the pharmacy to get my meds. It was ok resting but I didn’t sleep.

After the rest I went to the pharmacy. I did ok getting there but on the way home I was short of breath. It got worse as I walked home. I tried to slow my pace down but it didn’t matter. I got within three houses of mine and had to stop to rest. I took the mask off so I could breathe better. After a few minutes, I continued home and then rested on my front porch. The mail came so I sorted it as I sat down. Once I could breath again at a somewhat normal pace, I went into the house and went up the stairs where I lost my breath again. I washed my hands like I always do when I come home. I had dropped off my sister’s mail at her apartment and then took a bottle of water which I immediately downed. I rested in my kitchen for a bit, trying to recover. I was thankful my mother was in the other room so I didn’t have to talk to her. Once I finished my bottle of water and was breathing normally, I went upstairs to my room. I cooled off as I was sweating from the exertion and heat.

I had a cup of coffee and some yogurt after my shower but after the trip to the pharmacy, I was really hungry so I ordered Chinese food. I wanted my Kung Pao dish that I have been ordering lately. It is the same restaurant and I get it reordered from UberEats. It was awesome and now I am just going to rest the rest of the evening listening to Taylor Swift. I think I am going to color in my coloring book for a bit as there is no game tonight. I am wicked tired but I don’t think I can sleep. I have surgery in 9 days. I hope it helps these cramps that I have been having the past two days. It has been awful. I go for my urine test on Wed. I ordered my groceries so I will have them delivered tomorrow afternoon. I want to make sure I have enough Gatorade because I won’t be able to lift things for several weeks after surgery. I just re-read the post op instructions and it will be six weeks before able to lift anything greater than 10 pounds. Which means I won’t be able to do the weight exercises like I have been doing. Damn. I also can expect to be tired for up to 4 weeks after surgery. Great. I will be taking a lot of naps I guess.

Saturday Blog 07082021

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 07082021

Today is my ex therapist’s and cousin’s birthday. I wished them both a happy day. I have been having a mellow day. I went to the store to pick up my pictures that I had developed. They were of my sister’s wedding and bridal shower. One roll of film didn’t come out great but then it is 16 years old so I am not surprised.

I had my coffee and a bowl of cereal. My mother had to comment about my grumpy face. Well I hadn’t had coffee yet so there. I hate when she comments on my depressed face. She isn’t supportive in it but just kinds of makes fun of me. It annoys me that she does this.

Twitter is filled with racism talk and Covid cases today. It is so depressing and angering. I am going to try and stay off it today because it is just bringing me down. I need to shave today. I might shower even though I showered yesterday. Today is hot and I have been sweaty. I am in the kitchen typing this because I wanted coffee. I need a second cup. I had three yesterday, one around 530p to watch the Sox fall apart in the 5th inning. It was such a lousy game last night. It is hot in the kitchen as it is 88 degrees out. So I am drinking hot coffee in a hot kitchen. I don’t mind drinking hot coffee. I could have made iced coffee but I just don’t feel like it.

Yesterday I ordered groceries. I ordered a bunch of yogurt because I love it. Chobani makes a strawberry cheesecake that is pretty awesome. It is basically strawberry yogurt with graham cracker sprinkles and some candy that tastes like cheesecake. I also bought protein drinks for when I am not hungry.

My sister invited me for lunch for a burger and I couldn’t say no. I love grilled cheeseburgers. I also had some potato salad and coleslaw. I saw my brother in law and he said he would be up to take care of my AC. I am still waiting. It has been more than a month. I hope there is nothing wrong with the new unit because the warranty has expired as it has been more than 30 days that I have had the unit, sitting in a box in my living room.

Next week is going to be a busy week for me. I have three appointments and need to go to the lab to give a urine sample for pre-op. It is to make sure I don’t have an infection. I go for Covid testing the following week. Shit which means that I will have to reschedule my therapy appointment for that day as it is a Monday. Maybe I won’t have therapy the week of surgery. My sister is working that week so I am having a friend pick me up after the procedure. It is day surgery. I should be ok. I just got to make sure everything I need is within reach when I am home. I won’t be able to lift things for 8 weeks so I am not sure how I am going to get my order of Gatorade for the month of August. I might have to order it before surgery to make sure I don’t run out and have plenty on hand. Not sure where I will put it but as long as I have it, that will be the important thing. I do have to keep walking so that the gas they are putting in me has a chance to be absorbed. I never had this before and hope it isn’t too uncomfortable. I am more worried about being sore and not being able to sit up in my bed. I kind of lean forward when I am in my bed than if I am in the kitchen sitting in a chair. That is my biggest concern because I will be in bed most of the time, or at least in my room. If my new AC gets put in my room by then, I hope I can put a folding chair in my room so I can sit in it for a bit rather than just stay on my bed.

I have my last PT session day before surgery. I don’t think I will be needing PT after surgery according to my surgeon so that is good. I just hope there isn’t a draw back like my back surgery where I was so tired that it was hard to move due to the duration of the surgery. This surgery doesn’t have that much blood loss so I should be ok, if all goes well.

it takes everything in me just to get up each day

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, disability

it takes everything in me just to get up each day

today I am a total wreck. I am wicked emotional, riding a rollercoaster. One minute I am ok the next I am wicked sad the next I am wicked angry. I have to stay off of Twitter because it is bringing me down with the Covid cases and idiot people that won’t get a vaccine for preposterous reasons. I blame Fox news for most of the misinformation out there.

Yesterday my thigh seized up. I don’t know what I did or if it is a reaction to the testosterone shot I gave myself on Wed. I spoke to my PT about it and she thinks it is a tight quad. She told me what to do about it and I have been trying to do it but my groceries came and I aggravated it more by going up and down stairs. I am fucking hurting big time right now as the thigh is throbbing painfully. I have taken what I can to control this pain. I would love a nap but I hurt too much to lie down. I really just want to die right now because I can’t stand the fucking pain. Ankle is acting up too. Last night around 230 I woke up with my calf cramping on me. I couldn’t go back to sleep right away so I decided to color for a bit. It helped to get my mind off the pain as I waited for the meds to work. Unfortunately, I didn’t really succeed in sleeping after coloring because then I woke up to pee. I have been up since 530 as I gave up on sleep. I had my coffee around 0600. I also had a bowl of cereal. I had energy this morning but now I feel so spent. I also went to the post office and the pharmacy to pick up my meds. My BT meds won’t be ready till Monday because they are short four pills. I could have them but then I would be short. I rather wait till Monday to pick up the full order because there is no way I am going to get another script for four pills. I have enough to carry me through so I am not too worried.

The walk took out my lower back. I was hurting big time. I am hoping my PT can work her magic on my lower back to ease it up or do some dry needling to get it to stop cramping on me. I will ask her on Tuesday when I see her again. She has been the best PT I have ever had, next to the other one I had before her. She was great, too.

I had therapy yesterday. It didn’t go so well. We talked about working on my trauma issues and she has some reservation about doing it because I am not that great with doing coping skills outside of therapy sessions. I admit that I am terrible at it mostly because I don’t know what to do half the time. It is easy to say do coping skills but there are so damn many how do you choose when you are at your breaking point? I got at the frustration point today because of pain and decided to write a blog. That has been always a go to for me but I have to be careful about writing about how suicidal I am feeling because I have had police show up at my door. I don’t know if what I wrote on the blog that day is what sent the police to my door as I wrote on multiple platforms that I was suicidal, any number of which could have had someone call the police on me. So I tend to keep the strong urges off social media.

I took an Ativan with my BT med and feel much calmer than I did before. Ativan has a way of righting the ship. I use it sparingly but I guess I should use it more often when I feel perturbed. My pain levels have gone down some so that is good. Game is on in a couple of hours. They have been on a losing streak as of late. I know we will be okay once something shifts but I don’t know what that is. Our pitching has suffered greatly since the stupid sticky ban. Don’t understand why you would enforce something midseason instead of at the start of the year. SO fucking stupid.

So because I can’t use my coping skills wisely, doing trauma work is kind of off the table right now. Plus with my surgery coming up it might be difficult to do the work. I have a feeling I might have to miss a session or two because I won’t be able to sit properly. It will be a good break for me.