Tag: coffee

2019May05 Cinco de Mayo

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

2019May05 Cinco de Mayo

Happy Cinco de Mayo if you celebrate it. I don’t because it is a rebellion that is for only those people and I don’t drink so no point.

I had stayed up until four in the morning. I was trying to do something and it just wasn’t going to work. I had no idea time was flying while I was attempting to do this. So stupid.

Today is my cousin’s birthday. I honestly don’t remember the year she was born so no idea how old she is. I think she turned 30 last year or the year before. I was invited but couldn’t go because of pain.

“I am now the most miserable man living. if what I feel were equally distributed to the whole human family, there would not be one cheerful face on the earth. Whether I shall ever be better I cannot tell; I awfully forebode I shall not. To remain as I am is impossible; I must die or be better, it appears to me.” –Abraham Lincoln.

This quote is what things feel like now. I sent it to my psych last night as I was having strong urges and thoughts and visions of knives being in my chest. Past two days have been rough with suicidality. I wish I could say what is on my mind but am too afraid someone might call the cops on me for feeling the way I do. I see my psych on Friday and might tell her. I also need to call her, again, Monday. I want to tell her over the phone as that will be easier but on the other hand, I am not sure I will be a free bird after I tell her. I appreciate her wanting to check in with me so often but I kind of want her to leave me alone, too. I know she is worried about me and she would leave me alone if she felt I was okay enough.

I was up till 0430 this morning. I had my laptop and this document up so apparently started writing and dozed off a bit. I was in such a rotten mood last night. Because I made breakfast, my damn foot is acting up. I’ve been bad about doing PT exercises. I don’t care anymore. If I do them, I do them, if I don’t, fuck it. I hate stressing over it. I feel bad because my PT and I have been making progress except for the balance and calf issue. It has been nearly three months now and my calf is still hard as a rock. Every time I try to stretch it out, I have pain the next day and can barely stand, much less walk. I know it is sore but fuck, I need to be able to do those things, even if it is around the house. My heel pain has been much better, flaring every so often now. I have no idea what triggers the pain as I can be walking fine and then it will hurt. Last time I had just turned to throw something out while in my kitchen and was hit with pain. Then it went away (nothing really helps make it go away other than resting it). I am so tired of being in pain between the two feet that it is driving me so nuts to the point of being suicidal all the time. Sure my mood doesn’t help but neither does being in severe pain every day. The new extended release has brought my every day pain down. I forgot what it was like living with a 3 level pain every day. But the flares haven’t stopped. I still have them where I can see stars at times and then my suicidality will fricken increase so much. Usually when it calms down the next day, I am not so suicidal. Past few days, I have no idea what is going on but I just am plain suicidal. I am not going to act on what I feel or think, but damn, I can’t shake them off. I have tried things that have worked in the past but I can’t seem to decrease them and the more I try the harder they are around. Doesn’t help when your psychache is out of control, either. Psychache is when you have unbearable anguish, despair, frustration, emotional pain, guilt, perturbation, worthlessness, etc. It has been coming on strong. That is why the quote from Abraham Lincoln is so poignant right now. This quote has been on my mind a lot, too:

“I appear at times merry and in good heart, talk too before others quite reasonably, and it looks as if felt too. God knows how well within my skin yet the soul maintains it deathly sleep and the heart bleeds from a thousand wounds”. Hugo Wolf

I posted that with my Instagram account last night with a pick of me looking pathetic. Well, actually, it looked like I was in pain, which I was, just like I am now. Foot pain has gone up and so has psychache. Eventually my perturbation and lethality will skyrocket and I will act. I just don’t know when that will be. Maybe I will save up for a hotel room. I don’t know. I need some place to do it other than my bedroom. There isn’t any deserted places around where I live. Kind of sucks and the weather calls for rain most of the week so being outside won’t be ideal. Maybe going in the hospital will give me some breathing room. I don’t know anymore. I still need to straighten out my room. I was going to change sheets today but I don’t have the energy for it. I still need to clear off the corner of my bed that likes to accumulate shit. Trying to keep that corner clear is a joke at this point. Ready to just throw it on the floor and be done with it.

bunch of worries

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Bunch of worries

I woke up at 6 am because of a headache and my foot hurting me. Always nice to wake up in pain, not. I couldn’t go back to sleep. I kind of wanted to but yesterday I did and I felt like shit after so I decided to stay awake even though I am sleepy.

I see my PCP today. I have swelling on my leg that has now spread to my shin. It is hard as a rock and if you press on it, it is painful. I am not sure my increase in standing and moving around is the cause or not. It sort of feels like it did right before I was deemed disabled by my work. With having nothing to do, I rested it and the muscles/tendons calmed down but the pain in my ankle and foot remained. I have no idea if CRPS is spreading up my leg or not. I have raised the issue with my neurologist who blew me off. I also have a new swelling just above my ankle. I am worried about all of this. Plus my review of my LTD paperwork that I will be giving to my new pcp to fill out makes me nervous because he doesn’t know me well (only seen him one time) and here I am telling him what to write, or at least giving him stuff about what my symptoms are and everything.

I had my appointment with the social worker. We talked about things and a little about my suicidality. She asked me an odd question. She asked how do I think I will die, whether it be peacefully or what down the line. My first thought was “are you kidding me?” Did she hear that I was suicidal and currently contemplating when I will carry this out? I told her I will die by my own hand. I don’t know when that will be (hopefully soon but didn’t tell her that part). She then asked if I will see her next week. She gave me the option to cancel. I guess she doesn’t want to be committed to seeing me as she is just filling in until I have someone, which I am not sure when that will be. She has told me the psychiatrist for the practice has taken my information and is seeking out a psychologist for me. In the meantime, I am planning my death because it is what I do. Doesn’t mean I will act on it. I just like having it because it has always been my back up plan. She understands that it is an escape for me.

After my appointment with the pcp today, I am to call my psychiatrist. I have no idea if I will. Last time that she wanted me to call, I was so upset that I didn’t want to talk about it (it was with my previous PCP, who was a dipshit). So we will see how it goes. I weighed myself yesterday and if the goddamn scale is right, I have gained about eight pounds in a few days time. I haven’t had a bowel movement in more than a week now. I hope that isn’t why my weight has mysteriously gone up. But the scale could be wrong. I will be wearing sweatpants today instead of jeans so I can have a better weight. Of course, medical scales always adds pounds so I am not sure what the hell I am. If it is greater than five pounds, I will be getting a new scale.

I have been finagling the bagel over my bills, which I need to pay tomorrow. I have been going up and down with my grocery bill. I put stuff in my cart and then when it comes down to crunching numbers, I take them out. I had bought stuff to make my chili cornbread casserole dish that I love, but I went to the store yesterday and bought the stuff. I made it for dinner last night. It came out so fricken good! I will have it for dinner tonight when I come home from my appointment.

I hope my psych will be okay in just calling her today. I see her Friday and as much as I don’t want to see her, I unfortunately have to because I need refills on my meds. I also need my medical meds refilled so when I see my pcp I have to tell him. I hope my nerves don’t get the best of me and I forget. I also need to call the stupid pharmacy to see if they have it in stock. If not, I will call another pharmacy until I find one that has it in stock. I only have one day supply left so I can’t wait more than a day to get them in. Just hope I don’t have to go outside my town to get them. That will really suck.

I am getting sleepy. I think I will make a cup of coffee. I don’t know if I want to go downstairs as my mother just went down. She uses the whole kitchen counter to make her breakfast and I have to go around her to get what I need. I hate that. I am grumpy until I have had my coffee. I am not sure if I will have something to eat or not. I won’t be home till at least 5 pm or so as my appointment is at 3pm. I generally like late appointments but it just interferes with the damn bus schedule. Today I have to leave the house at 1230 or I have to wait till almost 2pm for the next bus to the Square. It really sucks that it is more than an hour for either bus to come. I hate the new schedule so much. But because of the stupid extension of the train line, the bridge is out so the bus has to go through a detour to get to the square. It is kind of faster as there is less traffic, unless we get behind another bus (there are two other buses that share the detoured street). I am glad that both buses that come to my street go to the square now, but the times are all screwy. I hope it isn’t going to stay that way until the bridge is rebuilt.

Don’t know what day it is

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Don’t know what day it is

Yesterday was a bad day of pain and hardly any sleep. My psych said she was going to call me but I had no idea what time she would call. I wasn’t hungry so I just had coffee. I really didn’t eat much Tuesday as I wasn’t hungry. My psych called me around 9 pm and I had fallen asleep. I didn’t get up till about an hour later. She left me a message saying to email or she will call today. I sent her an email and said I would see her next week and that I was ok. Then around midnight or maybe after, I emailed again saying I haven’t been eating and sleeping right. She responded this morning saying to contact my pcp and to call her tomorrow. So I left a message for my pcp. I honestly don’t think anything is wrong with me. I don’t feel sick or anything. I just don’t have a stinking appetite. I posted this on FB and a good friend of mine who works with trans teens said that T might causing either weight gain due to muscle mass increase or loss of appetite and weight loss. I didn’t know that. The docs have just told me that my weight would increase due to muscle gain. Who knew? I guess that is why. Maybe I should get some Ensure or something on days I have no appetite so at least I have something in my stomach. I also told my psych taking the ibuprofen on an empty stomach is causing me gastritis. She just referred me to see my pcp. I need to take the ibuprofen because my back is still sore. I have been getting away with just taking Tylenol. My back has been hurting me since Saturday because the temps and barometric pressure have been up and down like a damn yo-yo.

I haven’t heard from my pcp’s social worker. I had emailed her the same thing I emailed my psych on Mon about my suicidality. I sent her an email this morning (wee hours as I was up till 430 am) saying to ignore it if she hasn’t read it yet or to just ignore it if she has. I don’t think there is anything she can do for me, I honestly don’t. She can be my vent person but I wouldn’t be able to tell her about my suicidal feelings because I don’t know her very well. I also am reluctant to tell people how suicidal I am if I don’t trust them fully. That has often lead to me going to psych hospital and I do not want that right now. I think because of this, my psych has been in frequent contact with me.

I haven’t been able to do any clearing out of stuff the past few days. I wanted to shower today but my back is bothering me. I wanted to go to the store for some half and half but I knew my back would hate me. I had my cousin go and he got me a little thing of it. That will have to last until I get paid next week and can order groceries. I have to use a different place because my usual place is on strike. I don’t blame them as the company wants to decrease their healthcare benefits, their pensions, and other stuff that is money related. They are real crooks. So I am ordering from a different place, which is slightly cheaper anyways. I just have to change the ounces of my half and half to a half gallon now.

I might do somethings in my room, but I need to shower. One thing I have noticed with the testosterone is that my sweat odor is different and if I don’t shower every other day, I really stink. I have been sweating under the covers so I am getting to the stinking point. I also want to take advantage of my nephew being out so I can shave without suspicion. I am kind of nervous of having someone walk in on me while I am shaving naked. I hate even my mother walking in on me. I haven’t told my sister to not put stuff on the shower seat. I need it because my feet and/or back can be unpredictable and need to sit down. As much as I need to shower, I really don’t want to because my stupid back will protest.

Tomorrow I need to call my psych. I really don’t want to. I am still in the “I don’t want to talk to anyone” stage. I know she is worried about me but I would rather email her than talk with her. I have a feeling she is going to want to talk to me every other day until I see her Friday, maybe more. I don’t know. I am trying my best not to email her at all about how I feel. It just seems to make her more worried and increase contact. I just want to be left alone so I don’t think I will send anymore emails unless it is appointment related. Just will have to fake being okay even though I am not. I am good at that anyways…

Bugger of a day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Bugger of a day

I got up around 11. I needed coffee and something to eat as I barely had anything yesterday except protein bars. I went to my sister’s apartment to use her Keurig. My mug that my BFF in Canada was there. Sadly, whatever they did to wash my mug, all the lettering had come off and what remained was the heart. I feel really bad about this because the mug means so much to me. A person who loves me sent me something they made out of their love for me. I shouldn’t have left it downstairs but I forgot it and didn’t think it would get “wrecked”. Anyways, I made my coffee and then brought it upstairs so I could make an egg burrito. I could barely finish the burrito.

My sister had texted me saying to go through some stuff in the living room. My ankle was already flaring even before I made my coffee. After I ate, I had some stuff thrown away, some to good will and the rest I kept. I have one chess set I will be donating to a chess club in the town over from me. The meet in a square not too far from me, just down the street with the bus. I sent them a message so I hope I get a response. I didn’t go through the clothes that were in my closet. My back and ankle were already telling me to stop so I did. I retreated to my room. I saw the likes of my bed and I had to do the bedding today. I rested for a bit after taking some pain meds. I played on my phone until I started to get really “lazy” and then started taking off the bedding. I had to rest because my back kept cramping up on me. Then I got the clean sheets and put them on after I positioned the foam where it should be. I know it isn’t going to stay in place; it never does. I need to get either a mattress thing to hold it or for another $25 buy a gel foam topper. I am kind of hesitant to get the gel foam only because people that have reviewed it says it makes them hot. I cannot tolerate being hot so I don’t want to spend the $50 for it and then suffer. The one thing that is sure of is that it won’t slip like the foam.

After I did that, I had to shower. I was sweating and smelled because I had not showered in a few days. By the time I shaved and showered, my foot/ankle and back were killing me. I was done. It took me three fucking days to change my bedding. I hope that I can keep my bed clear of stuff, though every time I say this, it never happens. Shit in the one corner accumulates and then when I need to change my sheets, it is overwhelming. I am going to try and clear out one drawer of my bureau so I could put my boxers in it. I have to decide what I am going to do with my old scrubs. They no longer fit me as I have gained so much weight. I guess I will send them to goodwill. I don’t know what else to do with them. I have two drawers that I use for different things other than clothes. One is to store my medication and supplements, the other my memorabilia of my beloved Sox. I honestly have no clue what the bottom two drawers and the last drawer hold. But whatever is in it, can be given to goodwill as I haven’t worn it in years.

I hope my foot doesn’t act up but I can tell it is already. It started to get cold about an hour after my shower. It still feels cold and is getting painful. Last night I took Neurontin around six. Seems like I will be doing the same tonight, though it is half past right now. I had not done much the past two days. I went out yesterday just to get some more Gatorade. I also checked on my prescription and was told it would be in today. I had called and they said it would be about two hours for it to be ready. Next thing I know, my PCP’s nurse called to say that my doc will be sending it to another pharmacy because the one I sent it to didn’t have it in stock and doesn’t know when it will be. I was bullshit! I sent a tirade to their Twitter account. The fact they didn’t have the decency to call me is absurd! I don’t think I will be their customer anymore. I have had it.

Because my foot is bothering me, I am just going to try and finish the Harry Potter book. I haven’t read it in a few days because it is the part where Voldemort comes back and I *hate* reading it. But soon as I finish this book, I can move on to the next one, The Order of the Phoenix. I like that one better, even though Sirius dies at the end. I should ask JK Rowling what happens to Ron, Hermione, and Harry as they didn’t have their last year of Hogwarts and didn’t take their NEWT exams. She never talked about it at the end of Deathly Hallows. I am just curious. I have no idea if there is a graduation party like we have with high school or do they not get a diploma? I don’t know if the question has ever been raised. It is interesting though to think about.