Tag: complex regional pain syndrome

A Good Sunday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

A good Sunday

It was my niece’s birthday party. She turns 21 on Tuesday but we had the party today. It was fun and I finally got to see my little cousin who is nine months old. My cousin’s girlfriend kept posting pictures of her and I was afraid I wasn’t going to see her until she had turned one as I don’t visit too often because of my pain levels. My pain wasn’t too bad today but after sitting for an hour or so, I needed to taking something for my leg pain.

Last night I video chatted with a dear friend of mine. It was fun. We talked for about an hour or so before her daughter needed a shower. Her daughter has autism needed help with showering. I was sort of multitasking because another friend of mine was texting me at the same time we were chatting after the shower. It was weird texting on my phone and then having a chat on my laptop.

Just killed a damn fruit fly that was buzzing in my room. I don’t know where the hell they come from as I don’t have any food in my room. Just pisses me off. I hate bugs!

I’m going to watch Schindler’s List tonight. I haven’t watch this movie since high school. It’s a very moving movie. I hope to god nothing like it occurs again. There was a Twitter account on Holocaust Remembrance Day that listed the names of about 600 or 900 people that came to the US as refugees in 1939. They were turned away from the US and were killed by the Nazis in their various camps. This account also listed the photo of the person, if it was available. I just find it really sad that the US did that to those people and are now doing it to Muslims. Of course, the Middle East countries that Trump has business connections to are excluded. Just pathetic.

I told my psychiatrist about my fear about changing my name and using gender dysphoria as a reason for my name change. She said I was being paranoid. I told her I didn’t want to be on some list later on that “hunted” me down for my TG issues. That part she kind of understood better. If there were better people in the high government, I might have gone forward in my transition this year but I am too scared to now. But it doesn’t matter because in a few weeks, I shall hopefully not exist anymore.

I texted my therapist and told her our next meeting will be our last. There will be no need to have three or four sessions as termination sessions because I just can’t go through with it. It’s too hard as it is to have a session with her without breaking down. We have tried to make this work for the past year and we just can’t. She won’t change her ways and it’s detrimental to my progress. Plain and simple, though on my blog it’s easier said than how it feels. My psychiatrist and a good friend want me to see someone else but I refuse for right now. I’m still trying to wrap my head around what went wrong so I don’t make the same mistakes with the new therapist, if I can find one. And besides, this blog has been more therapeutic to me than therapy so there’s that bonus.

Pain O’clock our has struck. My toes feel like they are being pounded on like a xylophone. I wonder what time I will get to bed tonight. Just really sucks because I was having a good day up until now. Now my night is filled with pain and I hope that I can control it. Or we’re going to have problems.

Saturday Blog 73

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 73

I am having a rough day. I woke up in pain and the pain has continued throughout the day. I am not happy. I sent an email to my psychiatrist around midnight when I had been up for 20 hours and told her what was running through my mind. She just wants me to keep in touch, this is after I told her I would work on my will today. I still haven’t done it because I have been sleeping most of the day. I will sometime tomorrow. I can’t really think today anyways, and what I wanted to add to it, I forgot already.

I got a text from my niece asking me to babysit her. I responded and she texted me back that it was her mother that texted her not me. I wrote back FINK. Then my sister calls me asking if I want to babysit. I told her I couldn’t. My foot is just too painful. I need to eat something but I’m not really hungry. If I do make it downstairs, I am just going to have some microwave popcorn. That is all that I want to eat. I really would like to order a burrito but I can’t make it down the damn stairs. Guess I can order it tomorrow.

Tomorrow is my niece’s birthday party. I don’t know if I am going to go or not. It all depends on my pain levels. She turns 21 on Tuesday. Next Sunday, I am taking the older nieces out for dinner. It’s their birthday present. My stupid cousin wants to join us but I told her no. I just want an outing with my nieces alone. I don’t need her craziness to ruin my day with them. Besides, I don’t like her very much. She just annoys the crap out of me with her idiotic talk. Nope, she isn’t coming or the whole thing is off. I don’t care.

I still can’t believe how much my ankle was hurting and swollen last night. The swelling has gone down and so has the pain. It was a weird swelling, like there was a band around my ankle it and it just puffed up. The intense pain that was driving me suicidal was at least an inch or so below the swelling. I don’t get it. Fucking pain syndrome. I tried using the Tommy Copper compression thing but it kept digging into my Achilles and it was more painful there. I had to take it off. I touched the area today to see if it was swollen and it wasn’t so the compression sock must have touch a nerve or something last night. Course my whole foot and ankle was so sensitive it wouldn’t take much to add pain to it.

I am feeling really worn down from pain today. I did make coffee and finished off the chicken parm that I ordered last night. That has been the only thing that I ate today. I am not that hungry but I need to eat I am waiting for my pain meds to calm down my toes and foot so I can go downstairs.

It sucks there isn’t a game on tomorrow. Next Sunday there is the big football game. I can’t wait. I hope the Pats win. It’s going to be a tight game is what I am thinking. I got to find out what time it is on. I think it’s going to be on at 8 but I could be wrong. I bought tortilla chips and my favorite salsa for the game. I am trying hard not to open it before then because I could eat the whole thing. It is so good. It’s a pineapple medium salsa from Newman’s Own. So yummy. I also got multigrain tortilla chips. I like them better than corn. They have more flavor.

I snapped again

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, mental illness, mood disorders, physical pain, suicidality

Last night as I was going to bed, I moved my foot like I always do and for some reason it got caught on the bedding, forcing my toes forward. I saw stars. Then I became wicked suicidal. It was late, after 2330 and I didn’t want to page my psych. I reached out to a friend who understood about chronic pain and being suicidal. We talked until the pain meds took effect and I fell asleep.

Then tonight, I was wicked tired after eating dinner so tried to take a nap. About 15 mins later, my ankle explodes in severe pain. I took my meds and when I went back to bed, more pain in my foot. I feared if I call my psych, I’m going to tell her it’s over. I’m dead. I don’t care. Hopeless as all hell. Can’t stand this shit any more. So I got in touch with the same friend last night. We talked it over. I had an anxiety attack because the pain just magnifies my PTSD. She told me to breathe and it made me dizzy. It always does. I find that if I center my breathing, I do better. Least until the ativan kicks in.

I hate this is the second night in a row this has happened. I just feel hopeless that this is my life now and I can’t stand it. It’s really pushing my suicidal tendencies to the max. I don’t know when the pain will flare. Tonight it happened after standing for 5 mins to take my meds. There is no rhyme or reason for this pain anymore. It is exhausting. 

I’ve been up since 0400. I’m really tired and need sleep but I got to wait till my pain meds kick in before I can think about lying down again. And the anxiety just put me in fight or flight mode so I have no idea when that is going to settle down. My night meds has an ativan so I’m hoping it will work soon. Otherwise I will just take another one. 

I hope I’m asleep soon. My friend suggested sleeping in the recliner but it’s downstairs and my foot will hate that. Plus, it’s not that comfy. I will lie down soon and hope my foot doesn’t explode again. Two times in one night will just kill me.

up and at ’em

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Up and at ‘em

I woke up around 0400. I have been waking up every few hours and this time, I felt a little energized so I decided not to go back to sleep because then I would feel yucky. I played with my phone for an hour, reading the latest bullshit Trump and his goonies have said or done or signed into the “Executive Order”. I was getting sick to my stomach. This was on Twitter. Then I go to Facebook and there is the same crap but worse. UGH, you just can’t escape him. Is this what it is going to be like the next four fucking years?? I hope they impeach the ass sooner rather than later.

I made coffee to try and keep my energy levels up and had breakfast. I still plan on having my espresso later when I do my errands before going to my psych appt. I am feeling a little better than I was yesterday, mood wise. But that can change. I finally took a shower and it didn’t exhaust me. I just hope my energy levels stay up. I think I am going to catch the 950 bus to the Square. I have to go to the post office and the bank. I need more mailers to send out my books. I’m going to buy a bunch of them so I don’t run out again, least for a while. My books aren’t selling like hot cakes but each book that goes out is something.

I am hoping my psychiatrist remembers to bring my book in her office so I can sign it. I sent her an email last night to remind her. I hope my appointment goes well. I am kind of nervous. I sent her my blog yesterday that still had indications that I am suicidal. It wasn’t blatant but she isn’t stupid. If she read it, I think she might have called me if she was concerned and she didn’t. Plus, I am seeing her today so we can talk about it.

I kind of want another cup of coffee but that means having to clean my French press and I am not in the mood to wash things. It’s not that hard but it’s just a pain in the ass as I hate getting my hands full of grounds. Maybe I will make a cup of tea. I am starting to feel drowsy, seems my energy has a short lifespan this early in the morning. I still have about four hours until I want to take that bus. Maybe I will take the 0700 bus and get out of the house. I haven’t left the house since last Friday. It’s been a rough week. Maybe if I hit the fresh air, I will wake up some.

I will tweet my friend on Monday to see if he has found anyone. I hate to be a bother to him because he is such a nice guy. In a way, I hope he says, why don’t I see him. It would be cool to talk to him because I really like him. I think he would be a wonderful therapist but I am scared that he will just throw me in the hospital every time I am suicidal. That is the only reason for not seeing him. He had a patient die by suicide a more than a few years ago and it devastated him. He is a little wiser now with suicidal patients. But I would love to teach him the ways of CAMS and the SSF. If I had to retrain a therapist, it would be him. But that is my dream and I don’t know if it will come true.

I will write more later when I am home from my psych appointment. Toodles.