Tag: CRPS (formerly RSD)

Baseball Game and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Baseball Game and other things

My Sox won tonight, 2-1. It’s their 9th straight win. I am so elated, or I would be if I wasn’t in serious pain. They need 4 games to win the division, 2 to make it to the playoffs. I didn’t think they would make it this far. The season has been so rocky and up and down. No matter what, I am proud of this team. I just hope their luck continues to grow.

I went through the book, “Night Falls Fast” and while going through it to find a quote, I came across a passage that was all too familiar to me. It was/is what I deem, my suicide note. It is perfectly written to convey to those around me what I feel. I didn’t write it. It was written by another lost soul who did die by suicide.

It raining. I am hearing the rain beat against my AC and I love the sound of the patter. It’s been a long summer drought with no rain at all. We need it. The temp has also dropped to the 60s, which is probably why my pain is up.

I got an email from the Mighty. They are unable to accept my blog at this time. I don’t know if that means they will use it in the future or what but it doesn’t look like they will. I am kind of bummed. I emailed my psychiatrist with the news. I haven’t heard back from her. I haven’t texted my therapist about it. I will tell her when I see her on Tuesday. I will cheer her up when I bring her the pumpkin cake I plan on making.

This sucks that I want to go to sleep but am in so much damn pain, that it’s impossible. As it’s been a while since my last dose of pain meds, I took some of my regular pain meds. I am hoping they kick in soon. I really don’t want to be up all night. I know I should read some as that will probably calm my brain down some in a way but I don’t feel like reading. I am reading the book called the “Dark Tide”. It’s about the molasses flood that occurred in Boston in 1919. Before the collapse of the giant tank, there were warning signs that were ignored. There is nothing I hate more than knowing that a disaster could have been prevented in hindsight. Like in the book, “Dead Wake” the author alludes that the Germans know the whereabouts of the ship and the US knows they know but they don’t do anything about it. So 1200 people die because of this. It’s just sad.

I just thought of something. If I go out tomorrow to get the ingredients for the cake, that means that I will have to rest Sunday, when I wanted to make it then. I guess I will have to make it Monday. Planning to do things when you have chronic pain is such a bitch, especially when that pain involves you standing and walking. Unreal. I really hate my life. I wish Cauda Equina Syndrome never entered my life for the second time. I was doing really well before I got hit again with it. I was working two jobs, close to forty hours between the two. Then all hell broke loose. I still don’t know what caused my L2-L3 disc to herniate so bad that it crushed my nerves. It’s a mystery.

Times like this, I think about my date and the relief that I will have once I kill myself. The sad part is, I have a ways to go to walk to my destination and I am not sure I can do it if my ankle is not cooperating. I could take a cab to my destination. That I have thought about. I hope it doesn’t come to that. I will be sad, well sadder than I already am. It’s not anytime soon so no one get their panties in a twist. I just like to fantasize about killing myself because it brings me some relief. It lessens the burden of my pain and the weight on my chest.

bubbles, torments, and suicide

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Bubble, Torments, and Suicide

I don’t think I am going to get to sleep tonight. I am in severe pain again. I wish I could fall asleep like my body wants me to but my head and pain are keeping that from happening. I am not only in physical pain, but I am also in emotional pain. I have that darkness in my chest again and it’s weighing on me severely. It’s making things hard to see clearly. Everything is dark. I am again thinking of taking my life because of this darkness. I can see no other way through it, this time.
I have been taking my pain meds around the clock the last several days in an effort to control the physical pain. It works but soon as it wears off, I need to take another dose. Such it is with short acting medicines. I rather be on short acting ones than longer dose ones, though. I have been on long acting ones and frankly they messed me up more psychologically than my mental illness. I vowed never to go through that bullshit again. I will continue to take the short acting medicine because it is what I am used to and doesn’t hold that many side effects like it once did. I am used to it now.
Because it’s so late at night, the midnight demons have come out. I am again thinking of ending my life because that is what I think about at this hour. I can’t sleep because of pain, pain that the medicine can’t touch. The pain is called psychache, or emotional, psychological pain. There is no remedy for this pain. And it sucks. So, suicide becomes the method of choice to alleviate this pain. It doesn’t mean that I will act on it tonight. Far from it. Just thinking about ending my life and imagining about going through with it is enough to soothe the demons. You might think that is a crazy notion, but it’s true, least for me it is. I find that imagining my death is soothing. I don’t know why. I guess it is because it helps to control something I can’t control, like this pain in my chest that won’t go away.
The pain is stubborn. It resists all measures of relief. Love doesn’t help it, neither does someone caring for me. It’s a funny thing to be in this type of constriction when you want to end your life. All you can see is the end point and that is your death. You block out the people that care and love you. It’s like you just enter a world that is just filled with pain and no matter how many times someone says they love you, it just bounces off and you can’t feel it. It torments you because you know you are hurting that person by not reciprocating that love and care. But it’s too much pain you feel and you are locked in this bubble that no one can really touch. You are alone in this world, though people have constantly told you that you are not. It’s all a fallacy.
Psychache has other features that make it so that suicide is constantly on your mind. Perturbation is one. The need to constantly feel something and the need to do something to ease the psychache. And then you have Press. Press is something that is felt deep inside. It’s the inner workings similar to stress but takes on a different meaning. It is what drives the perturbation to new heights and carries the pain to new levels. All three when at a significant standing means suicide is imminent. Dr. Shneidman calls this the suicidal model of suicide. It’s a complicated but simple meaning of these three Ps. But that is for another discussion. I just know right now that my levels of these three Ps are varying like the weather. It is most difficult when my physical pain is increased. Unfortunately, when my physical pain is at it’s worse, I am immobile to do anything to cause my life to end. I keep telling myself, I will do it the following day when my pain is not at its worse. Fortunately, in the morning, I no longer feel that pressing need to end my life so I live to see another day.
Right now I am at that point where the three Ps are pressing on my heart very eagerly. I can hardly breathe, the weight is so strong. I don’t know what to do to make myself feel better. That is why I am writing this stupid blog. I hope that my thoughts get heard and someone can relate to them. I am not in danger, let me make myself clear on that. As much as I wish to die at this very moment, I don’t have a clear plan in doing so. It is the frustrating part of being suicidal. You want to end your life but you do not have the means to do so. It is sad. All I can do is wait until the meds kick in to ease my physical pain and then I will sleep for a few hours until they wear off and I need another dose of meds again. Such is the cycle.

Random 662

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I have taken all the pain meds that I can tonight and although I have some relief, I am not 100%. I have decided that if I am not in as much pain tomorrow and can walk, I will go to Chipotle and get a burrito. Lately, the burrito has become my comfort food. I don’t know how this happened but it has. I suppose I could have worse things in life.

I was able to have some Oreos and milk tonight. I really wanted to have it as I kind of didn’t have dinner tonight. I had some cereal for my breakfast when I got up around 1 and then I had a tuna sandwich about an hour or two later. Then I fell asleep and had weird dreams. I don’t remember them but one of them was about Stargate SG1. That was getting to be a fun dream before I woke up because my crazy fucking cousin kept calling me. He wanted to talk. I told him I was sleeping and he thought I was at Starbucks. Idiot. I was supposed to call him later tonight but I forgot. I will call him tomorrow.

I have therapy tomorrow or should I say, later today. Actually, it’s in 12 hours from now. I can’t really sleep because music is playing in my head. The music keep shuffling the different songs. It is annoying the crap out of me because I really want to sleep. I have already taken my trilafon, but it doesn’t help with the music running through my head. Nothing helps it.

Sox won tonight. They keep on talking about the “magic” number being 9 but I don’t know what that means. I don’t know if that means they will win the division or be secured in the playoffs or what. There aren’t that many games left in September so I’m guessing it’s to secure the AL East division or clinch the playoff birth.

My therapist doesn’t know about my CBT plans yet. I will tell her if it goes through. Right now my plans to kill myself are still on the table. I can’t let it go because it is what I feel I have to do. The thoughts are slowly fading so it’s not so pressing that I need to go through with it. But I like keeping that option open just in case. I just hope my therapy with my therapist doesn’t interfere with the CBT process. That will just suck. I can’t imagine that it will though because it’s a specific form of therapy and it’s different than what my therapist practices. I just hope it’s not more than once a week because that will be a lot of therapy.

I’m falling asleep so I guess the meds are kicking in right now. Peace.

Post 1952

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Post 1952

Not having a good day. Every time I wake up, I am in a lot of pain. My ankle is hurting severely and I only have left my bed to use the bathroom and get something to eat. If I dare move it, it cramps up on me. It’s driving me crazy.

Last night I went to chat and had to restart the laptop because I was having connectivity issues with the internet. In doing so I lost the page which had the CBT number for me to call. I called and left a message today after I used Google to find it again. To my surprise, they called me back today, about two hours later. They asked a bunch of questions and then said that the clinical director would get back in a few days to set up an appointment and such. I could hear back from them by the end of the week.

Our hot water tank is leaking so we have no hot water until it gets fixed or replaced. If I need to shower, I’d have to use my sister’s bathroom on the first floor. Given my current pain issues, that poses a problem as stairs kill me right now. So I will just go without a shower for the next few days. I was able to brush my teeth this morning but it only caused me pain. I might have to take the strong pain pills tonight if this doesn’t let up.

Sox are playing in Baltimore tonight. I will follow them until I pass out again. I am not too interested in the game today. Last night I started reading “Dark Tide”. It’s a book about the molasses flood that occurred in Boston in 1919. This massive molasses tank collapsed and millions of gallons of molasses spilled all over Boston’s North End. Apparently, there were problems in construction and the head business guy that wanted the project done fast never properly tested the tank. They didn’t have OSHA back in those days. It’s pretty interesting and I am liking the book a lot.

I also read a few chapters of Dostoevsky. I am now in the 9th book in Brothers Karamazov. I think there are 12 books total so I am close to being done. I think I have like 30 chapters or so left to read. Some are short and others are long. I can’t wait till I finish. I was hoping to read “Crime and Punishment”, but I think I am going to take a Dostoevsky break. I have been reading him for most of the year. When I started reading earlier this year, I didn’t expect my depression to get so bad nor my father to die in the midst of my depression being so deep.