Tag: CRPS (formerly RSD)

Sunday Blog 20

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Sunday Blog 20

I totally got the times for today’s games all messed up. I knew the Sox game was in the evening and I also thought the Pats game was, too. Fortunately, the Pats were on at 1 so I could watch both games without having to switch channels.

My mother made a gravy today. It smelled so nice. I love the smell of Sunday gravy. While I was watching the game, I was stirring it occasionally. The meat wasn’t done yet so I didn’t have any. But it smelled awesome. Then while we were finished with dinner, I went to throw away some napkins. I literally took about 1 and a half steps when my ankle got into intense pain. I couldn’t move or stand on my left foot. I hobbled back to my chair and sat for a few minutes. It wasn’t passing so I then hobbled to my room upstairs. My ankle didn’t like it one bit but I was hot and needed to rest the damn thing. I couldn’t do that from the kitchen. Fucker that it is.

I put the AC on in my room and tried to rest it when I realized I hadn’t filled my med box for the week. I took some pain pills and waited a little bit. I was really sleepy and wanted to go back to sleep so I decided to fill my box despite the pain. I was careful not to put my full weight on my foot and I was close to the bed so I could lean on it. My ankle has been kind of bothering me most of the day but it just got worse when I went to throw out those napkins. I guess the walk I took yesterday really messed up my ankle and I didn’t realize it. Oh well. Guess I won’t be going to the MFA this week like I was hoping to.

I don’t understand how my ankle gave out on me as I really didn’t do anything today. I took a nap for most of the afternoon during halftime that just leaked over to the rest of the game. The Pats had the lead and I was sure they would have the win, even though in the last quarter was a little hairy. My sister was panicking and having heart attacks. I was glad I didn’t watch it.

Now I just got to wait an hour before the Sox game starts. I don’t know if I am going to be up because of the meds I took. I also had to take an Ativan because of cramping. It may or may not knock me out. I am frustrated that I am in pain for no reason. I could see if I did something to cause myself pain, but I really didn’t do anything I don’t normally do. Carrying a napkin isn’t heavy and I didn’t walk far to the barrel. It’s just so annoying.

Ankle Chronicles 13

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Ankle Chronicles 13

It’s after midnight and I can’t seem to settle down. And it’s not because the Sox won tonight. I wish it was from my excitement but the game ended like two hours ago. Nope, I am up because of pain. My foot started hurting me and the pain has now spread to my toes. It’s excruciating. I just took some Neurontin and some pain meds. I have to wait for them to kick in before I can think about lying down.

I think it’s time I try something like CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) to help me deal with pain. It’s not a cure but it might help me manage in better ways. There was a place in Brookline but they don’t accept chronic mentally ill patients like me, specifically those that have suffered any type of abuse or need long term care. So I am going to try and find a therapist where my psychiatrist works. I have to call the intake and be put on the “CBT wait list”. I don’t know how long that will be. I have no idea how this is going to do down. I am going to have to enlist the help of my psych to see if she can expedite the process. CBT is not something I believe in, but it has been shown to help those with chronic pain, so I might as well try it again. I just hope it isn’t a bunch of paperwork and shit. I can’t imagine filling out papers while in the middle of a flare up. I already want to rip what little hair I have on my head (I have short hair) or cut off my damn ankle.

If the list is a long wait, I might not last. I have 3 weeks before my death date comes. I am willing to postpone it if the wait is not longer than say two months. I don’t think I can hold out longer than that as the flare ups have become so unbearable. I hope that my suicidality doesn’t hinder me getting in to see someone. That will really fucking suck and I will feel so dejected. I also hope that because I have an established therapist, they don’t say see ya. This is a specific treatment and one I am willing to give a try if they will just give me a chance. I am really nervous about this because it has been so long since I have gone through an intake process. That is why I am hoping my psych can help with the process a little bit.

I am so damn tired and really want to lie down and sleep. But I know that if I lie down, the pain could get worse and then I will have to sit up again. I kind of wait until I can no longer keep my eyes open and then I lie down. I am usually out by that time. I don’t really sleep very well or very long, but it beats having to lie down and then sit up. It’s a game I play most nights and it’s not fun. It drives the voices crazy because they want to keep talking to me and if I keep popping up, they want to talk more. Or the music in my head gets really loud and I have to play music to drown it out, which then keeps me up for at least another hour or so.

I can’t escape this stupidity. It drives the suicidality all the more because I just want to escape from it all. The pain, the voices, the depression, everything. I was writing to a friend about my troubles and she said that I need to do something, like get involved in something or get a pet. I couldn’t handle being responsible for a pet. It’s a big responsibility, even if my mother allowed it to happen. I know my friend meant well and all, but she just wants me to stick around for a long time. She also doesn’t want to lose me. She understands my suicidality. She knows that my suicidal ideation is not over something trivial.

Random 421

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Random 421

Yesterday when I went to see my therapist in person, I gave her a snickers latte as she has never had one before. She loved it. It’s a really good concoction of caramel, hazelnut, and mocha. Tonight I had another meltdown. I was trying to get a second nap for the day when pain erupted and it sunk me lower than I ever sank. I texted my therapist that I was done and that I was sorry. I didn’t expect her to respond as it was late. About an hour later, she texted me back with a photo of the drink and a lovely supportive message. She is such a dork. I was appreciative of the text and it did help my mood.

I found my “Liar Liar” DVD and decided to watch it. I felt like a comedy would help me out of the pit I was in. It was funny to watch Jim Carey makes his faces. I have seen the movie many times and it cracks me up every time.

I want to sleep, but pain is keeping me up. My foot just will not settle down. I took some more pain meds. I also took another trilafon because I couldn’t remember if I took it or not. Then I watched Twitter and the Sox had a dramatic comeback and won 7-5. That really made my night. I thought they were really going to lose to the Skankees as they were down 5-2. But my boys scored 5 runs in the bottom of the 9th inning to win.

I never took a shower tonight. Mostly because the heater in the bathroom is broken and it’s kind of cool tonight. I didn’t want to freeze my ass off. I’ll take it tomorrow when it’s warmer out. Meds are kicking in faster than I thought so I will stop here, for now.

So Close

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

I was hoping to go to sleep before my foot or ankle decided to say hello to me tonight. Nope. Didn’t lie down quick enough. Actually, lying down is actually a kind of trigger. Seems my pain is worse when I lie down versus when I am sitting up. Now my foot is doing a curling thing so I had to take some Ativan to calm the fucker down.

I am tempted to text my therapist or email my psychiatrist to ask if I can have an amputation on my ankle if I can’t kill myself. It’s a long shot but I figure there is no harm asking. While I was lying down before the pain erupted, psychache hit me square in the chest. So now I have both types of pain going on and I am ready to jump off a bridge. It’s a good thing I don’t have a car to get to where I am going. There are no bridges in my area that are high enough to kill me, except the Tobin but it’s a bitch to get to and you do need a car.

I don’t know if I am going to get out of this episode that I am in. I feel like if I don’t go through with it, I am a loser. If I at least attempt it, that will be something. If I fail, at least I can say I tried and then deal with the consequences, horrible though they will be. If I succeed, well then this blog will be all that is left behind. None of this will happen in the next few days so if you are thinking of saving me, you are wasting your time. These are just my thoughts that are running through my head at this particular moment in time.

Pain is causing me so much grief. I feel like I am losing it, not that I actually had things to begin with. The black coat of depression is pressing on me very closely. I have been trying to master the lyrics to the song “Make you miss me” by Sam Hunt. I heard it twice today on the radio and messed up the lyrics. Pissed me off. I wanted to share the lyrics and song with my therapist but I was too afraid she would cry. I did share two songs with her today, Reckless by Martina McBride and Don’t think I don’t think about it by Darius Rucker. It helps me to share music with her. I have a knack for songs finding me when I am hurting or need to express myself.

My Sox lost and I think they are no longer in first place. I am upset. They should have had these games but their offense was dead. There are only 17 games left in the season or that count toward the pennant race. I am so nervous about these games. It’s not helping my mood any.

I seriously want to email my psychiatrist and ask her if she thinks I am going to escape this episode that I am in. I just don’t see a way out. I don’t want to go into the hospital. It won’t help me. I might be fine for a few days to a week but the suicidal stuff always comes back. It’s like a monkey on my back. And the longer I go without an attempt, the stronger it becomes. I haven’t made an attempt in years. I don’t know if I am hopeless. I don’t feel it. I feel nothing but blackness. I just don’t know what is going to keep me connected to this world. I hope the pain meds kick in soon so I can get at least my physical pain will be taken cared of.