Tag: CRPS (formerly RSD)

Perplexed

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Perplexed

Today’s Daily Word Prompt is “perplexed” and I can’t think of a better title than that for the day. My eyes are so damn dry that I literally rubbed the skin off my lower eyelid this morning. I didn’t realize I did this until I washed my face this morning. Now I have to see my eye doctor to find out what can be done about it before I have no eyelids. As if I don’t have enough on my plate at the moment.

I got the car and went to Starbucks. When I went back to the car, I noticed some damage. It wasn’t a big thing, just some paint scrapes, no dents or anything, least none that I could see. I called and reported it when I got home after therapy.

Therapy was again difficult. She tried her best to have me look at her the whole time I was there but I wouldn’t. I couldn’t look at her. I just stared at the rug or played with my thumbs most of the session. We talked about the blog I wrote last night. I told her it was a piece of shit and she said it was anything but. She really wanted me to know that she cared about me and that she didn’t want me to die. She wanted me to take my date off the table. I told her I couldn’t do that. Who’s to say that I won’t have another pain episode that leaves me with the same feelings of being suicidal and I really want to go through with it the next day when I am able to fucking walk. That is the only thing stopping me right now. My inability to walk during intense suicidal feeling caused by intense physical pain. No, I have my own agenda and I plan on carrying things through this time.

I told her I knew she loved me and that I love her. I questioned what the hell kind of relationship we have and she couldn’t answer it. She doesn’t know. Great. She was playing with my baseball for most of the session. I guess it kept her mind off things. I told her she should get a stress ball. Maybe I will give her my apple scented one that I have. It’s smelling up a drawer right now so it’s not like I use it.

She toyed with the idea of texting me so that I can know and remember that she cared for me. I was going to say something about this but held back. Dr. Jobes has been doing this with his patients for years. My therapist is not a texting type of therapist, nor is she a technological person. This would totally take her out of her zone of comfort.

It’s a perplexing problem because she obviously cares deeply about me after all these years and she doesn’t want to lose me. She can’t imagine life without me in it. I guess my constriction is so damn bad that I can only focus on the task at hand and that is ending my life, on my terms, in my own way. I have had enough. The boundaries have been crossed and I tired, so very tired, of fighting them day in and day out. I told her that no one will be there for me in the wee hours of the morning because I can’t sleep and am in horrendous pain. Sure, I can page my psychiatrist if I am in a bad mood but why bother waking her up in the middle of the night. I just done. I told my therapist today, there is no way I can’t promise anyone that I won’t take my life, even if I take my date off the table. There is a chance that even when that day has arrived, I might not go through with it. I have had plenty of dates in the past and I am still here. Some my therapist knew, some she didn’t.

I told my therapist that I should have left her 12 years ago when she first became “possessive” of me. She had gone on maternity leave and she left me a birthday message. Or some kind of message, I forget now. I still have the microtape of the voicemail somewhere. Anyways, she said that I was hers and it should have put up a big red flag. But then, no therapist had every called me that before so I let it go. Now this therapist cries when I threaten my life, and there were still a few tears shed today.

How am I supposed to live when I want to die so damn bad? It gets worse, it gets better, but no matter how afield I get, I always come back to being suicidal. This is the worse part of the year for me. For the last 11 years I have been suicidal particularly during the months of Sept and Oct. It’s the bipolar season for suicidality. It’s been documented by Kay Redfield Jamison. I don’t see a point in living a life that is filled with pain and disability. I just don’t. Walking used to be my everything and now I can barely walk a few blocks here or there. I used to be able to walk Memorial Drive from Government Center all the way to Central Street in Cambridge. I am lucky to walk from the T station to the Starbucks down the street now. Any more than that, and my ankle says goodbye jack.

It’s more than just living with the pain. I have a huge high pain tolerance. But I am burned out. I am traumatized every fucking night with pain and there is no escaping it some nights. My sleep is affect and lo and behold, now they are looking at sleep disturbances as a cause of suicidality. NO FUCKING SHIT. I can’t tell you the last time I had a decent night’s sleep of more than 4-5 hours. If I do sleep at least 6-7 straight, it’s during the day time hours. That is when I get relief from my pain or am just exhausted I crash. I am called a lazy bastard if I sleep during the day so I try to stay up until night time again, except there is no relief then. It’s not like I am looking for more meds or support or anything. I just want the pain to stop because what the fuck is it hurting for anyways??

Saturday Blog 63

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, college football, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Saturday Blog 63

I did not have a good night sleeping. I woke up in the middle of the night in pain. I took some more pain meds and tried to go back to sleep. I was able to fall asleep about an hour later. I woke up with the same kind of pain in my ankle. I was glad I didn’t have to go anywhere today. All I wanted to do was order pizza and watch college football.

I was able to order pizza and it has been the only thing I wanted to eat today. I watched half of the Huskers game. They were leading 14-0 when I stopped watching and won 52-17 when I woke up from my nap. Pain meds and pizza coma caused me to have to lie down. I woke up in time to watch the OSU game. That game was incredible. They had 2 interception touchdown returns and a fumble recovery. They are currently in a weather delay as heavy rain and wind is in the area. I figured I would write as there is nothing I can do but wait till the game comes back on. OSU is leading Tulsa 20-3 at the half.

I am still in a lot of pain. I am trying to stay off my foot/ankle as much as possible but watching football gets me excited and I want to stand to watch the game on TV. Stupid I know but, I am a guy and that is what guys do. Doesn’t help that I have a small TV so I can’t see the downs and stuff when I am sitting.

Today is World Suicide Prevention Day. I am having a hard time with it because I feel so suicidal. Most of my Twitter friends are suicide preventionists so I have been getting tweets left and right about what to do if you are suicidal and all the typical bullshit that goes with it. I just can’t deal with it today so I have been on and off Twitter for most of the day. Most of the time, I will just post game updates from the OSU game but not really reading the tweets, unless they are sports related.

My sox played in between the Nebraska and OSU game. It must have been a quick game because by the time I was up around 1530, it was over and it started at 1300. They lost 3-2. I have been reading that there have been some miscues by the rookie they called up from double A. I really don’t blame him as he is too inexperienced for major league ball, in my opinion.

My foot is really hurting me and I don’t know when the second half of the OSU game is going to be played. I really want to take another dose of pain meds so I can go to sleep again. I am really tired. I had a cup of tea to try and keep myself awake but it didn’t really do anything. I really need to empty my recycle bin but that involves going down two flights of stairs and I am just not up for that. I am in too much pain for that.

Ankle Chronicle Rant and Other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Ankle Chronicle Rant and other things

For the past several hours, I have been in severe pain because I decided to walk down a ramp instead of level ground. I had no idea it was going to cause me this much pain, but it is. All I want to do is sleep but I am so tense that my neck is hurting me. Being in this much pain, is causing havoc. I seriously want to amputate my ankle. I have thought about this a lot of times. But fortunately, I don’t possess the power tools to get the job done.

I forgot to mention some stuff to my psychiatrist in my appointment today so I emailed her. She is so worried about me getting severe side effects from my anti psychotics that I had to remind her about the more simpler side effects like constipation and urinary retention. I haven’t been on this medication since before my nerve injury so I don’t know how it is likely to play out. So far, I haven’t noticed anything worse, except possibly, starting my flow of urine. I didn’t mention this to my psych because I really do not want to see a urologist.

Anyway, she seemed fine with my description of the matter and what I am doing for the constipation. I didn’t tell her about the starting the flow of urine because I knew that might raise some eyebrows. I am okay with it unless it becomes worse. I hate having a nerve injury that causes these things. The nerve injury is what is causing my foot and ankle to be a dick. I swear that if I didn’t get my second diagnosis of Cauda Equina Syndrome, I would not be disabled today. Or maybe I would be, but it would be because of mental difficulties rather than physical ones.

I am very exhausted from dealing with physical pain all the damn time. It seems the pain syndrome is just getting worse and trying to control it is getting more complicated. I have to time my pain medication accordingly or I am in severe pain. And when my regular pain meds don’t work, I have to take the stronger pain meds. If neither of these meds work, then I know it’s nerve related pain so I have to take Neurontin. It is a true juggling act managing my pain.

I know that my pain flare up today was caused due to me doing to much the last few days and not having a rest day in between. I have been out of the house since Wednesday and have not slowed down some. Yesterday, I walked more than I should have because I didn’t want to wait for the bus for an hour. I walked four blocks home and that caused my ankle to falter. Today I had my doctors appointments and couldn’t cancel them so I walked around the hospital to go to the two appointments that I had before my ankle had enough. It didn’t help that I stood on the train for five stops. I have been taking more chances and in the end, it just causing me more and more pain.

I was supposed to meet up with friends tomorrow but I canceled that engagement after my ankle basically said fuck you to me on the ramp. I really was looking forward to seeing my friends as we don’t get to meet up that often. But I needed to take care of myself and that means ordering pizza tomorrow and watching (hopefully) college football games. Last week the games I wanted to watch were not on in my area. This week, I am hoping at least one game is in my area.

I also need to shower. I wanted to do so tonight but my foot was having no part of standing whatsoever. Even standing to take my meds was a hassle and that was for less than two minutes.

Psych and Neuro Abnormality

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Psych and Neuro Abnormality

I saw my psychiatrist today. She was kind of miffed at the neurologist for suggesting that the trilafon is behind the music stuff playing in my head. She intends to email her and set her straight as she has never heard of such a thing. She said that I am a mystery to her. I laughed. She wanted me to read Oliver Sacks to get a better idea of things being weird in psychiatry/neurology. I told her I would look him up.

I was able to get my pain meds filled without a problem, thank god. If there was a problem, I was going to raise hell. I purposely stayed at the pharmacy to make sure there were any glitches. Then when I was walking home, my ankle said it wasn’t going to work anymore. I was going down an inclined part of the walkway and it just gave out on me. I was cursing myself for having walked that part of the street. It can be a trigger for my ankle giving out on me. Luckily, I had my trusty cane with me so it helped. I am really pissed because tomorrow I was going to meet up with some friends and now I can’t do that. My week is done.

Today was extremely humid so of course I am a sweaty mess. I have to wait till my pain meds kick in to take a shower. I was going to shave but seeing as I won’t be going out tomorrow, I might as well keep my whiskers. It will have to be a quick shower anyways as my ankle and foot will murder me if it’s a long one.

My mother had dinner for me when I came home. I ate it quickly, then went up to my room to cool off. Now I am craving pizza. I can’t decide if I want a whole or a half. I just want two slices but they won’t deliver just two. I wish I could just walk to the pizza place but I can’t. Guess I will have to wait till tomorrow to satisfy my pizza craving.

I told my psychiatrist about the book I am writing. She didn’t seem that enthusiastic about it. But she is happy that I am writing. I also told the NP about my writing adventures. She was a little enthused about it. I told her about my pain being horrendous and she didn’t have anything to say to me. She just gave me my script and off I went. I found out that my diagnosis is “other chronic pain”. It was on the prescription. That doesn’t help me. I guess I never will find out why my ankle likes being a fucking pain. Another abnormality.