Tag: CRPS (formerly RSD)

Therapist is Back

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Therapist is back

My therapist came back from vacation. She went to Ireland as she brought me back a spoon. It’s becoming our thing. We talked about a lot of things. I gave her my sauce and she wanted to eat it right then and there. She is too funny.

We didn’t talk about my suicidality, but we did talk about how my pain and the voices are contributing to it. I still need to page my psychiatrist so I can get some more trilafon. She encouraged me to page her though I am a little hesitant as it’s not an “emergency”. I just emailed her again. If I don’t get a response, I will page her tomorrow. I still have enough to last me the week.

My therapist doesn’t want me to kill myself in September because it’s a special month for her. I suppose I could wait till October. The weather is bound to be cooler then and maybe I can get some kind of suicide note out of the way. It will give me time to think of what I want to do with my stuff. I think it’s unfair that I am made to wait a month when I want to end my life so badly. She just doesn’t get how miserable I am.

I talked about the psychologist that was being a jerk to me yesterday. I explained what his thoughts were and she agreed with me that he was being an idiot. I don’t know why I follow him. Just for a laugh, I suppose.

We also talked about my other friend on Twitter. She asked if I met him yet. I told her no and I am not so sure I want to meet him because he is a therapist. He is a little looney but that is okay. I find him interesting and funny. I guess I don’t want to be disappointed with seeing him in real life versus what I imagine him to be like.

It’s funny that we kind of talked in circles all through out our session. Not really focusing on any issues. She did ask about my pain and I told her the situation with my pain meds. I have technically 9 days of meds and I don’t get a refill for 14. This is because I have had to increase the meds to get relief. I am no longer taking 1 pills at a time. I think I am taking around 6 pills a day when I am allotted only 4. That is when I am having a bad day. Lately, I haven’t had that much pain so I think it will even out. But I can’t control flare ups. I guess if I do have another flare, I will have to take the strong pills and risk my bowels being shut off for a few days, despite taking senna. It’s all the give and take of the pain syndrome. All the more reason why I rather kill myself now while I can possibly walk to my destination than not.

The drive there wasn’t too bad and I made it on time back. I didn’t hit traffic and listened to country tunes the whole way singing along. It was fun driving. I am glad I don’t have a car for daily use as traffic annoys me.

Just got a response from my psych about my meds: “yes”. I don’t know what that means. I hope it means she will call it in. Why do docs have to be so damn cryptic?

Two Errands Completed

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Two Errands completed

My foot was bothering me today, nothing compared to last week, but it was still hurting. I took a pain pill and waited for it to work. Then I took a shower. It tired me out so I rested for an hour. I had that long before the next bus came. I was going to go to the pharmacy but I kind of got side tracked because I got on the laptop. Next thing I knew it was time to catch the bus. I figured I would go to the pharmacy after my first errand.

I got to Starbucks and wanted to sit and write but it was crowded so I just decided to head into Boston for my errand. I needed to pick up paperwork for my disability T-Pass. I should have brought a stamped envelope so I could mail it out right then but silly me didn’t think of it until I got the paperwork. I could have gone to the post office when I got to the station and got a stamped one but I didn’t have cash on me and I felt funny charging fifty cents or so on my card. That will be tomorrow’s errand.

I waited for the bus and there was the homeless couple with all the things taking up most of one bench. I feel bad for them but it doesn’t leave much room for people to sit down. Bus was on time and we were off. I went to the pharmacy but they had a long wait time so I just said I would be back tomorrow to pick it up. Another errand to do.

I haven’t had anything to eat all day. I am hungry but I don’t know what the hell to eat. I really want pizza from the place I always go to but I am broke until Wednesday. This sucks living on a monthly check. Think I will make a tuna sandwich and some tater tots.

Sox game isn’t until 1900. It’s against the stupid Rays, a team I don’t like. They really have become more of a rival than the stupid Skankees. We are tied for first and I hope we don’t lose anymore games this week.

Voices and pain are keeping me up

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Voices and pain are keeping me up

I have taken the trilafon for the voices and the pain meds for my pain but I am still restless. I am not in a lot of pain but I just feel agitated. The voices keep changing the lyrics of the songs I am listening to. If they have anything to do with death, they want me to kill myself. I am very annoyed that the two doses of trilafon that I took has had no effect on the voices and my head is full of noise.

One of the songs I heard tonight was “No Surprise” by Daughtry. I keep thinking of my plan and how it should be no surprise that I will die. I have been talking of ending my life for years now. It’s not like it is a fresh idea that came to my head.

Away from the Sun is now playing… It’s perfect because I am so far down away from the sun that shines into the darkest place. But the thing is that I am not feeling so down. I am actually happy that I have made this decision to end my life, voices or no voices. I am under siege of pain and I cannot take it anymore. The pain is driving me and ending what little resources I have left to fight. It’s taken my job away from me. It’s taken my quality of life away. I cannot brush my damn teeth any more because of pain. I cannot take long showers because I cannot stand more than 10 minutes at a time without my back cramping up on me or my ankle killing me. What kind of life is that?

It really sucks that the voices tonight haven’t responded to my medication tonight. I might need another dose. Music has helped with drowning out the voices. It’s the only thing that really helps, even though it risks having more musical hallucinations, which are not fun. I changed my music genre tonight to alternative 90s rock rather than country music.

I am just going to leave without a trace. No one will know and that is the important thing. I am scare that I will be rescued. I haven’t worked out the details of my death. It’s still hazy. But I have time. I won’t go unless I have finished writing my suicide note that I started.

I started writing my suicide note but I am having trouble with it. I still haven’t thought about what to write, really. I know no one is to blame for my death. My doctors have done the best they can to try and help me and I appreciate all they have done for me over the years. But the demons are too strong. The QOL is just not there anymore and it is making me feel really depressed. I can’t deal anymore. Game over. Do not collect $200, do not pass go. I am in jail without a get out of jail free card.

another day, another flare up

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

I met with my psychiatrist this afternoon. I forgot to tell her about the musical hallucinations I have been getting. I will probably email this information to her later today. Things went okay, walk wise. I am kind of upset that my PCP’s office didn’t call me until I was on my way home, saying that the paperwork I needed was ready to be picked up. Now I need to go Monday to get it. Sucks.

She did a mini neuro exam to make sure my nerves were intact. She again stressed that she was concerned about side effects from the trilafon because it was a first generation drug and that I have been taking it more regularly. I understand the concern but I am not worried about it. I have been on this drug a long time and know the limits of it. As long as I don’t take more than 8 mg a day, I should be fine. She still wants me to take just 4 mg but I explained to her that sometimes it just doesn’t cover the agitation and voices or the musical hallucinations that I have. I also try to just take it at night but I sometimes need it during the day because I do get paranoid when I take the public transportation system. I did surprisingly well today, though I felt “stuck” as a monster stroller pretty much kept me in my seat at the last stop. I had to wait for that passenger to get off before I could get off. I didn’t panic, which was good.

Before I went to my appointment, I went to Starbucks and wrote the stuff I needed to write for the Adler chapter. I plan on writing the email once I finish this blog. It didn’t take me long as I just had a few suggestions and comments. While I was there, my ankle was being a pain so I took some pain meds. I just had coffee as my funds were low so I couldn’t get something to eat. I wasn’t that hungry anyways. I finally did have something when I came home. My mother made my favorite, asparagus and eggs. I ate it plain, without bread. Mostly because we are still out. I swear when I get paid I am buying more than I usually do and freezing the extra so we have it for the month. Also need to get Italian bread. Last night I went online to order groceries. My cart was $0 and within 5 mins, it went up to $140. That is my typical spending spree. I only shop once a month so that is my monthly shopping bill.

Last night I tweeted via direct message a friend of mine because I was feeling low and like a hypocrite for being in the suicide prevention arena yet feeling wicked suicidal. He told me I wasn’t and that he loved me. Then he read my last blog and got worried. I had gone back to sleep so I didn’t get the message until I woke up a couple of hours later. I replied while waiting at the bus stop. He was thankful for it.

Because I have been very inactive most of the week and just filling up on pain meds, my bowels were stuck. They were finally set free today and thank god they were hard or I would have had an accident coming home. I am really glad I didn’t stop at Walgreens to pick up my scripts. I never would have made it home without pooping my pants. It would have killed me. Because my ankle acted up while I was going back to my room after eating, I am not planning on going back out until Monday. I am in so much pain it’s not funny. The sad thing is that I can’t bear weight on my foot or ankle. It’s too painful. My psych asked if my pain meds were adequate and I told her they were. But I needed to take them around the clock in order to get relief. If I am not in so much pain, I usually don’t. This week has been so bad, that I have had to. I know I probably should take the stronger pain med because it works better and kills the pain for longer periods than my regular pain meds but it’s wicked constipating. Even though I have been taking senna and fiber pills, I was backed up.

I’m really glad I decided not to go to PT. It would have really caused a worse flare up and I don’t think I would be able to stand it. It’s bad enough that I am hanging by a thread and that thread keeps getting thinner and thinner as time goes on. One day it’s just not going to be there anymore. And that is when I say sayonara.

I told my psych that I was tempted to page her at 3 in the morning the night I could barely sleep because I was in so much pain. She said she would have answered the page. That is good to know because I really needed someone to talk to at that hour. She said that I should find a west coast buddy. I laughed because a west coast friend did contact me but unfortunately, my meds had started to take effect finally and I was on my way to dreamland (three hours later).