Tag: depression

Sunday Blog 12072020

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Sunday Blog 12072020

I changed my sheets today and it wiped me out so bad. I am so tired. I need to shower but that isn’t a priority. It still is really humid in the house as temps are in the upper 80s. I haven’t done anything but the sheets. Now I can go to sleep.

I am glad I did this. I have been meaning to do it for weeks and I just cleared off my bed and did it. I hope I can keep my bed clear but I don’t have high hopes for that. I can never seem to keep my bed clear no matter how hard I try. One thing accumulates and then it is cluttered again.

Tomorrow I have PT and therapy back to back. I will need to be in my kitchen for PT and in my room for therapy. The PT wants me to do it in the kitchen so I have the counter to hold on to if I need it. I am not sure what she is going to do now that my symptoms of CSF leak are surfacing. I will find out tomorrow. I wrote down some stuff I want to work on in therapy. That was my homework assignment. I think she will be pleased with it. There is just a few things I want to work on. One is breathing. I need to control my breaths as I breathe too fast at times. I don’t know how to control it. I never tried. But I am willing to learn. The other thing is to try and cut out the thoughts to planning when I get suicidal. I hope that she is willing to work with me on these goals.

I took a quick shower. I didn’t have to sit down more than once. I am doing better than I thought I would. I still feel lightheaded. I think I am probably going to have to go back on steroids. I rather that than some other procedure. I hope the surgeon sees it that way. I really don’t want to go through another MRI.

Saturday Blog 11072020

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 11072020

I did my walk today by going to the pharmacy. I did better than I thought I would do as I wasn’t huffing and puffing as much. I also am not as fatigued today. The last few days have been rough. I collapsed in PT on Thursday. I just became overwhelmed with symptoms of CSF leak. I got very weak very quickly. I had to lay down the rest of the session and then I still had to lay down when I got home. I slept the whole afternoon and evening. I just had a roast beef sandwich and that was it. I didn’t want anything else. Yesterday I was still fatigued and called my surgeon to let him know. I see him on Tues as we set up an appointment with him. I am kind of nervous. I just hope I don’t need an MRI. I don’t think I can deal with it again.

I need a shower but it is too hot in the house. I would melt after coming out of it. I will wait until tomorrow and try then. I have found using the cool vent helps. I just don’t think it would work today as it is so humid in the house.

I am really upset that I can’t do what I used to do anymore. This leak is causing me to decondition and just when I think I am up to par, I get knocked down. I hate that I have to lay down when I get like this. I can’t stand laying in bed all the time. It messes me up. I try not to sleep but being fatigued doesn’t help keeping me awake. I just feel all fuzzy and headachy. The only thing I can do is lay down. It helps take away the fuzzy stuff but not the headache. I have been getting dizzy with it too so I really need to keep my fluids up and stay hydrated.

I have my AC on and think I need a new one as the MED setting doesn’t work. Hi and low does but not med. It is an old AC I have had it for more than 10 years. It has filled its duty. I think getting a new on would help the electric bill some. I also want one where I can access it on my phone so when I am coming home, I can turn it on and cool the room off some. Those kind of ACs are not cheap to buy. There was a model I was looking at on Amazon but the price kept changing so I did away with it. I couldn’t afford it. I should have gotten it when the price was lower.

PT is exhausting

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

PT is exhausting

I went to PT today and it wore me out. I started having symptoms of CSF leak and that kind of got my PT worried. She made sure that I was ok before I left and gave me two bottles of water to drink so I was hydrated. I had only drunk coffee, nothing else so I probably was a little dehydrated. I was so fatigued. I can’t even describe it. I came home and made lunch. Then I laid down. I took a nap until my med alarm went off for my 4 pm meds. I took them and went back to sleep afterwards only to wake up again to my night med alarm. I am really wiped out. I didn’t too much today but apparently, I did enough. I am supposed to go up to 400 steps a day. I will do that tomorrow.

I really haven’t done much since coming home. I made a sandwich for dinner. Someone has been eating my hamburger rolls so I need to get some more. I have been using them for my sandwiches. It is a good bread. I like it a lot. I might get some more if my bro in law goes this weekend.

I did something to my right arm. It fell asleep and it still hasn’t woken up properly. I can’t make curls as it hurt and I can’t bring my arm towards me without pain. I don’t know what I did. I hope it gets better. I would be sleeping or laying down but I had to take some Miralax. I don’t want to lay down after drinking that stuff as it could come up on me. I have had it before and it doesn’t taste good coming back up. I hate reflux. Been dealing with gas pains the past two days. It has been awful. I don’t know why I have gas so bad. It could be because I am constipated. It has been more than three days since I last went. I hate being constipated. Just another fucking thing to keep track of. I have been having a hard time keeping track of when I void. I know it had been a while because I slept and when I woke up I didn’t pee. Then I fell back to sleep and when I woke up again, I didn’t pee. I forced myself to go pee and luckily I went. I am not sure if I emptied completely but I don’t care. As long as I went I am good. I am nervous about the urodynamic testing. They will test me and I hope I can pee but sometimes my bladder is stubborn and won’t go. It also gets shy so I hope I can go and prove that there has been improvement since the surgery. I was expecting to hear from the secretary today but I didn’t hear from her. I will try and call her tomorrow. Hope that I will get through without waiting for 10 mins like last time. The wait is so long.

I read one chapter of my book. It was all I could read today. I got too anxious to read anymore. I hate when that happens. I could have read half a chapter. But with me feeling woozy, I didn’t feel like it. I will read more tomorrow.

tough past few days

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Tough past few days

The past few days have been tough. Monday I had physical therapy and the exercises wore me out. I had to take a nap after the session. Yesterday I went food shopping and that wore me out. I hate feeling so tired after doing something. I did my exercises but I couldn’t do one of them with my left ankle/foot. It was just too weak to complete the tasks. I haven’t done the exercises yet for today. I plan on doing them when I am in the kitchen. It is easier doing them there than in my bedroom. Monday I need to do the PT via zoom because I have a webinar to attend and the times conflict with going. I am looking forward to this webinar as it is about psychotherapy integration. It is free which is the best part!

Yesterday I had therapy and it went well. We talked about what I wrote and she is willing to listen to whatever I want to talk about even if it is about my medical stuff. I am glad she doesn’t want to end things with me. She wants me to come up with some things to work on. My mind is blank. I have no idea what I want to work on. I wrote some stuff down. It was only two things I could think of but it is a start. I think working on interrupting the thoughts ->plan->action when I get suicidal would be good to disrupt. Just hope it will be good enough to talk about. I hate being put on the spot trying to come up with this stuff. But as long as I have something it is better than nothing.

I am freaking out because the Ride called and they are picking me up an hour early so I am planning on taking my book with me. It will be uncomfortable to sit for an hour and then have my session with my PT but I don’t think there is anything I can do about it. I can call in the morning and see if they can pick me up later. I am getting up early just so I can shower. I just hope it won’t be humid in the morning. I hate humidity. I got so overwhelmed I wanted to cancel the whole thing. I just was so unraveled about being an hour early. I don’t function in the morning so this is going to be interesting. If I have at least one cup of coffee I will be good. If I don’t have any coffee, that will be bad. I can go to the store though. There is a coffee shop up the street. I can get donuts there! Yes, I will be early and get donuts. And read my book!