Tag: disability

Friday Thoughts 11092020

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Friday thoughts 11092020

I’ve been in a tired mood for most of the day. I don’t want to do anything. My sister made mac and cheese and that has been all that I have eaten today. She is making some apple dessert so I can’t wait to try that.

I met with my psych. She said that I look better than I did the last time she saw me. I do feel better but I am just tired. It was good seeing her. She wasn’t so worried now that I am better. She knows the psychiatrist I will see next week. I am glad she approves. I was worried she wasn’t. She said that the guy is a good guy and I will like him. I hope so.

There are like twenty or so games left in the baseball season. Sox have won one game in their last five and are losing tonight. I didn’t think it would happen because there are only left handed hitters on the Rays lineup but doesn’t matter. They are losing by four runs in the 5th. I talked to my therapist about them yesterday and she said she has stopped following them. I can’t. I try but I just can’t do it. I have to know the results of the game. It is what keeps me going.

Yesterday’s therapy session was hard. I talked about my abuse my cousin did to me because I was flooded with memories the past few days. I have felt disgusted by the memories and more. We also talked about my cousin dying so young. We did talk about the anniversary of my last psych hospitalization. It was a year ago. I told her last year was the worst year I ever had. It took more than a year for me to recover and I don’t think I am fully recovered from it. I am still severely depressed but not as suicidal like I was. I still find it odd that I am still alive. I had such conviction to end my life last year. I honestly have no idea how I am still around. My therapist has been keeping track of the time we have worked together. I find this kind of odd because most therapists don’t do this.

I’ve been in a lot of ankle pain today. The barometric pressure is over 30 and the temps are 20 degrees cooler. Pain has gone through me like an ice pick. I haven’t hurt this much in a long time. I can hardly find a comfy spot for my ankle and foot. Seems it is ok for a little while and then pain shoots up again. I’ve tried to be careful with it when I get up to get something but it doesn’t seem to make a difference. I took some gaba to try and stop the pain. I am not sure if I will have to use something else too or not. I just took some Zanaflex. That will at least make me sleepy enough so I can try and get some sleep, though if this level of pain doesn’t go down, I doubt I will be able to sleep. It is always so hard to know when you can sleep and when you can’t. I wish I could take more BT meds but I am already at my max for the day. I haven’t been great at ignoring pain today because it has been so high. I hate when pain levels are this high. It is just a gnawing kind of pain that refuses to go away. It makes it so hard to concentrate and think. Going to take some more gaba and hope for the best.

Taco Tuesday

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Taco Tuesday

I really didn’t eat that much today other than having a pop tart with my second cup of coffee. I wanted tacos so I ordered some. They were just the thing to kill the hunger. My belly is happy. I have been fighting sleep the past three hours. I thought I would blog before I laid down to slumber. I went to the pharmacy today without taking my muscle relaxers. OMG I nearly died while I was in the store. I had to sit down for a bit after I was called four customers later. I wondered how I was going to get home but I made it. I had to pull the mask off when I was three houses away. I couldn’t catch my breath going up the hill. I felt like I was going to fall over at any second. I was cursing myself going out because every time I go out when I am tired this happens. Now I am exhausted. I haven’t brushed my teeth or washed my face. I really need to wash my face because of the cut I gave myself shaving needs cleaning so I can put Neosporin on it. I hate that I can’t shave right now because the cut is a little deep and I don’t want to reopen it accidently.

I had my appointment with my psychopharm NP. She had nose surgery so her face was all banged up. I felt bad for her. We talked about my cousin who passed away last week. She said I should write about it. There really isn’t much to write about. She died from unknown causes at this time. We will know more once the autopsy is done. I think she had a cardiac arrest. It is sad because she is the first female in my family to die suddenly. And so young; she was only 50. I will miss her. I hope she is in peace now where ever she may be.

I have one more appointment with her and it will be our last as I will be seeing a new psychiatrist next week. I hope I get along with him. I don’t like that I have to see someone new in such a short time period. I started seeing this NP last Oct and it hasn’t been a year yet and she is leaving me. I really liked her. She was good. I liked seeing her. Now I got to start over with someone new. I miss my psych so much and wish I could see her again. She said I am in good hands where I am now. I hope that she is right.

I am so exhausted I don’t think I am going to be up for the second Sox game tonight. I wanted to listen to it but I am just too tired I can’t keep my eyes open. They are playing a double header today and lost their first game. Fucking Barnes blew the save. I really despise this pitcher. He always seems to lose games. My favorite player was put on the 45 day IL list today. He won’t be back this season. Just as well.

Sunday Blog 06092020

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Sunday Blog 06092020

I am post op day 10. I had surgery to remove and repair a csf leak. I thought it would be safe to shower and I was careful not to have my back on the water for too long as I still have stitches. I felt so much better after I washed up. I shaved and took a chunk of skin off my cheek. I don’t know how it happened. The razor wasn’t my friend. I got three nicks. Sucks. I had to use the nick stick twice for the nick I took skin off. Damn thing wouldn’t stop bleeding.

After I showered, I made coffee and then I went to the pharmacy to pick up my meds. I came back home knackered. I am just so tired. Today was the first time I left the house since coming back home from the hospital. I did okay but it still is tiring to go up my street. Those five houses from the corner to my house is so damn tough to walk up that hill. I get winded. But then I get winded when I go up the stairs, too. I am not in too much pain today other than a headache that just started to get worse. I took some Tylenol when it first started. I might take some ibuprofen.

I got Tim McGraw’s new album and have been listening to it. It is pretty good. There isn’t any duets with his wife on this album. Sucks. I love their duets.

I weighed myself for the first time in a month. I lost three pounds. I haven’t been eating so great since coming home from the hospital. I haven’t had much of an appetite. Depression has been bad the past few weeks. I was OK a few days after surgery but then the anesthesia wore off and my mood plummeted. It has been low since. I have been resting because my back needs it. I am so tired of having nothing to do. I got a few appointments this week. I get my stitches out and see my therapist. I don’t know if seeing her the same day is going to be good but we’ll see. I also see my psychopharm this week. She finally agreed to put me on citalopram. I started that on Friday. It is going to take a few weeks to work. I think it will work better than sertraline as I don’t recall it giving me stomach problems in the past. I am hoping for the same this time around. I only stopped it way back when due to it being ineffective after years of taking it.

this is me trying

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

This is me trying

I have been having a hard day. I hardly slept. I was able to get to sleep okay last night but I woke up around midnight and found it very difficult to get back to sleep. I got a headache around 4 and I finally took something for it around 5. I then slept until my surgeon’s office called and I was cursing the phone. I didn’t answer it. I let it go to voicemail but man I was not happy. I stayed in bed until my bladder said I had to leave. I used the bathroom and then went back to sleep till around 1pm or so. I have been in a grumpy mood and memories of last year at this time have crept back. I had my last psych hospitalization last year, on International Suicide Prevention day. I made an appointment with my therapist on that day. I find it amazing that I am still alive. I was so sure I was going to die last year. I had such a horrible depression that wasn’t helped by anything.

Today’s pain is mostly in my back and ankle. My ankle got so fricken cold that if felt like it was being cut with sheets of ice. I have thermal socks on now and my ankle still hurts. The ankle bone is throbbing up a storm and the area where it is being sliced is still being sliced. It is so painful. I would take a breakthrough med but I need to hold off on it. I wish I could freely take my meds but I can’t or I will be short by the end of the month and that will be a disaster.

I feel really depressed. I hope next week when I see my psychopharm she prescribes me the citalopram. I don’t want to wait another week because my mood is just awful right now. I didn’t nap this afternoon like I wanted to. I probably would have felt better if I did. I have my T shot tomorrow so I might feel a little bit better. My blood numbers were terrible after surgery. I hope the T can stabilize some of the levels. The novelty of taking shots has worn off. I think it is because of the depression I don’t like doing it anymore. But I am going to be on T the rest of my life. I have not had the mental benefits of T. In a way being on it is its own mental relief because I am taking what I should always have. I want to be on a higher dose so that my beard can come in greater but my doc doesn’t want to increase it due to side effects. I think the benefits outweighs the risks. I don’t see her again till April of next year. I can wait till then to talk to her about it. Hopefully I will meet in person with her by then.

Since coming home from the hospital, my right arm has been bothering me. The vein is inflamed from the IV and it hurts. I asked a doctor what to do about it and she said to put heat compresses on it. I will do that later tonight because it is really bothering me today for some reason. I had a hard time getting comfortable last night. I just couldn’t position my arm so it wouldn’t hurt as much. Hope tonight is better after a heat compress.