Tag: fatigue

going out and paying the price

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Going out and paying the price

So past three days I have gone out, including today. It was pouring rain off and on most of the day and humid as fuck. I woke up when my med alarm went off. Then my bladder sent me an urgent message so I went downstairs. Of course, my mother was in the bathroom. I tried to patiently wait.

I decided I might as well go to my barbers to drop off the casserole so I can have the rest of the day to rest. My psych had reschedule our appointment for tomorrow, which means I have to leave early. Yuck. It is supposed to be ridiculously hot but I guess the south is HOTTER than us so I can’t complain too much. I need to leave early so I can get my lab work done. I really didn’t want to go out as I knew I was going to get wet and I would sweat. I got my stuff together. The trouble was, finding a waterproof bag as I didn’t have one. I found a plastic type bag. I thought of taking my journals but I knew they would get wet and I hate wet books. I left them behind. I also couldn’t bring my headphones so had to get my earbuds. All these decisions before coffee.

As I was walking to the bus stop, my sister drove by and offered me a ride and I took it! She dropped me off in front of my barbers. My barber wasn’t in yet. I told the barber that was there, I was going to get some java and then I will be back. I had a donut while waiting for my espresso. I get it over “light” ice. Everyone has their own definition of “light”. The barista today just gave me enough to keep it cold. I asked for a little more and got just that. I poured my soy and the container leaked more soy all over the place than in my cup. I laughed. I went back to the barbers.

My barber came after a few minutes and he had his son with him. A very cute three year-old. He cut my hair and we chatted. Then I left for the bus but I just missed the bus and had to wait nearly an hour for the next one. I must have taken like 10 steps from the door of the shop when my ankle flared up. Fuck. I hobbled to the T to a bench. I sat for a bit. Took my hat off and then took a selfie. I posted it when the bus came. I grabbed my coffee and went to the bus that would take me close to home. It wasn’t until I was waiting for the bus home that I realized I left my hat at the bus depot. Do’h!!! It was pouring so I held my umbrella when the wind picked up. If it got worse, I was going to lose the umbrella as I hate fight it in the wind. I rather get wet. I gave directions to someone that stopped and then the bus came.

My ankle kept going in and out on me as I walked the block home. It was trash day so I put the barrels in the driveway. One had some water in it, making it heavy to move. I dumped out the water. I got home and my ankle just was not happy. My legs were feeling like cement. I want a shower. I took a breakthrough med and waited for it to kick in. My t-shirt was wet and the AC made me really cold. It was now or never in the shower. Bad move. My legs were awful after the shower. I still hadn’t had anything to eat except the donut.

I couldn’t cook. I wanted to make steak and cheese sub. It will have to be another day. I ordered Mexican food. Tacos and taquitos. OMG it was so fricken good. I couldn’t finished all of them. I saved one taco and one taquito. I then went up to my room to rest. Legs have never been this bad. I am used to my ankle being a bitch but legs, both of them, being so sore is not something I am used to. Also my left knee seems to act up while having my legs out. It was bothering me when I woke. I was in a fetal position so not sure why it hurt.

I wish I didn’t have to go out tomorrow. It is going to be yucky. I am trying to drink a lot so I am not dehydrated. I don’t want there to be difficulty finding my veins. I also need to drink a lot so that I can possibly pee so I can give a urine sample. I hate urine retention so bad.

I am trying to massage my legs to get the soreness out of them. I am supposed to go downstairs for my nephew’s birthday but I hurt too much. My sister told me about three hours before the time. Thanks, sis. I am not the uncle or anything. I am so tired of being the last to know about these things. Oh well. I texted my nephew already. I just want to stay in my bed. This going out on consecutive days sucks.

waves of exhaustion are fun

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Waves of exhaustion are fun

I was sort of having a good sleep, once I got to sleep when my stupid med alarm woke me up. I wasn’t quite awake so shut the fricken thing off, took my BP pill, and surprisingly went back to sleep until my alarm went off. I seriously detest taking this pill twice a day. I need the alarm to remind me to take it otherwise I am just getting half the dose I need to be on and I don’t want my BP to become unstable.

I had a fairly low pain day despite having pain spikes last night and going to bed late. I don’t remember much after midnight. I didn’t want to get up but when I said five minutes, it turned into ten and I started to rush. I had gotten dressed and got my muffins ready to be taken with me, then I realized I forgot my watch and had to go back upstairs. My mother then asked for me to take the recycles down and I told her I would when I came home as I didn’t have time to put them in the bin.

I got to Starbucks and because I rush, forgot my reusable mug. I ordered a new drink. Some kind of hazelnut macchiato that was supposed to be made with coconut milk but I changed it to almond. It also had mocha drizzle. It was okay but the milk made it kind of bitter. I probably won’t be ordering it again, least not with that kind of milk. I had a sandwich as I was to rushed to eat at home. I brought my Kindle hoping to read for a bit but I was so tired that reading was out of the question. I wrote in my journal for a bit before I caught the train into Boston.

I was early for my psych appt. I got really sleepy while waiting. My appt time came and I was still waiting. I thought I was going to fall asleep before my doc called me. I was so tired. I guess three shots in the macchiato was not enough. My doc finally called me and we chatted. She asked what was up with me and like I emailed her all week, I haven’t been sleeping due to pain. She asked where I stood with my PCP and pain doc and I said I haven’t heard anything in three weeks. So she emailed them asking them for a conference or something. My doc doesn’t play around. I love her for that. She did talk to the LGBT doc but was worried that without adequate pain control, she wasn’t sure how the hormones were going to affect me. I didn’t care. I already made up my mind about things. I told her I was suicidal and once I found a place to terminate, I was probably going to go through with my plan. I didn’t tell her about the other stuff. There was no point. I told her I wasn’t sure I want to start hormones as it all depended on what happened this month and left it at that. She didn’t press me for info. I started feeling weepy, like I have all week and said so. I asked her if we could increase the Zoloft as I am not a cryer. She said it could be hormones. I don’t care what the hell it is. I don’t want to be in the middle of my commute somewhere and have a meltdown over nothing. I told her 75 mg of Zoloft should be okay. So she refilled my script for that amount.

I left and was just so tired, I felt like crying again. It had started snowing and then sleeting when I got to the train station. I still want to go to the grocery store to get eggs. Even though we had like 6 dozen last week, we are down to like one. My mother baked and I used at least a dozen with my baking and cooking. We go through a lot of eggs. But the bus home came before the bus to the grocery store so I just went home. I stopped at Walgreens before home. The snow was coming down heavier and the wind was making it really cold. I couldn’t wait to get home. Before leaving the store, I bought some Reese’s peanut butter cups and M&Ms peanut because I wanted them. I didn’t even eat them when I got home. I made a frozen dinner and then went up to my room to change. It was cold in my room. I put my sweatshirt on and got under the fleece blanket. I still need to change my sheets but my back was hurting. My pain spiked a few times since being home. I just wanted to fucking die. My bones were aching so bad.

The one thing my psych said about the pain doc was that he wanted me to go to PT more than do anything else. I told her the stress of that. It is not going to happen with my pain levels and trying to do other stuff. I just cannot manage. The idiot also didn’t want me to wear my AFO anymore as he wanted more movement with my ankle. Since I was having a low pain day before the last block home, I was thinking maybe I should stop wearing it. I was only proved wrong as walking home my ankle crapped out on me. So screw him. He barely saw me for more than 5 minutes and didn’t even examine me. He just felt the temps on my feet. Some exam. Just pisses me off that this guy determined probably before I met him how he was going to treat me, or rather not treat me.

I plan on taking my meds early, reading 1984, and then hopefully sleep. Probably the last two aren’t going to happen but I can try…

tired of being tired and in pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Tired of being tired and in pain

I had some difficulty getting to sleep. My ankle was being a total asshole. I woke up around 6 with my back hurting. It was snowing. I took some meds and then played with my phone for a bit. I wanted to get back to sleep so took my morning meds and then turned off my med alarm. I didn’t get up till after 1230 or so. I really didn’t want to get up. I had to eat something. I made an egg Mcmuffin. I kind of let the butter burn so stunk up the house. My mother didn’t like that. I guess I had the gas too high. I made some coffee and the stupid press spilled coffee all over the place. I am going to get a new one, if I can find the mug one I saw a couple of months ago. I might have to look online for it.

I really wanted to go back to sleep. My mother made me go downstairs to check on my niece. The trip up and down stairs really flared my ankle. I just don’t want to be anymore. I am tired of being in pain all the time. I feel so low.

I am so mad my order for the RAM didn’t go through. They “pre-authorized” my card, but due to some financial invalidation, they canceled my order. WTF. I emailed them to find out more and they said the same shit. If I want to place another order, I have to go through PayPal or a third party. I’ve ordered from this company before so I don’t know what the fuck the problem is. Just seems so dumb. But in the meantime, I have to wait 3-10 business days for the pending charge to disappear. I am so aggravated. Think I will just order it on Amazon or some other computer place. I just went on Amazon for shits and giggles. I found the memory $10 cheaper and I can get free shipping. So when I get paid next week or when the bozos decide to undo the pre-authorization charge, I will get it.

I want to go to bed now but am afraid if I do, I will be up all night. I made coffee but it was strong and I only drank about half of it. My mother wanted hot dogs cooked in a panini thing my sister got her for Christmas. They came out good but I kind of let it burn so now the house smells of burned hot dogs. It cooked faster than I thought it would for frozen dogs. I am going to try and get burgers and buns next week. I am dying for a burger. I might make it in the panini thing.

Tiring day on the unit

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, Bipolar Disorder, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I woke up a few time during the night but I slept a solid 3 hours from 6 to around 940 am. I missed breakfast but it wasn’t anything good. I Had cereal. I met with my team and we discussed discharge. The attending is going to talk to my psych to see if it will be ok. I think it will be either Thurs or Fri if she okays it.

My pain was low this morning so I chanced to shower and it wiped me out. I tried staying awake after lunch but it was impossible. After the shower, I also got anxious so I took an Ativan and then inadvertently slept all afternoon. There wasn’t any groups I wanted to attend so it was probably best I slept.

It was very cold today so I had staff shut the window near my bed but kept the other window open. The rest of the unit is fricken hot so I am glad I didn’t shut it.

I got an email from my patient information thing. It said I had new test results. I haven’t had any blood work so I was curious to see what it was. Apparently the system just posted labs from the ED. You will be happy to learn (as well I) that I am not pregnant. I got to get my gender changed. 

I got an email from a researcher saying she wanted to use some excerpts of my blog for her dissertation. I responded but didn’t realize it was the “do not reply WordPress” address. I had to copy and paste a new email. I am such a dork. I am excited about this. I did ask what blogs she would be using so I can get an idea what she is working on.

The baseball world is sad today. One of the greatest pitchers for the Blue Jays died in a plane crash. He was 40. He was retired. I feel for him, his family, and his teammates.