Tag: hopelessness

suicidal triggers, how fast they come

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Suicidal triggers, how fast they come on

I’ve had a long day. I had appointments with my psychiatrist and therapist back to back. I left my house around 1130 and didn’t get home till around 1800. Meeting with my psych went well. She wants me to call her after my appt with the LBGT doc I see Friday. I had to laugh because she said it so eagerly. I told her I would page her when I got home that day. As I was leaving the building, I bumped into my former supervisor in the lab. We talked for a bit before going our separate ways. I told her to say hi to the folks in the lab for me, especially the other supervisor. I really miss being in the lab. It was my life for 14 years.

I was feeling kind of sore as I walked toward the station to go to my therapist’s office. I had to take a little break about half way there. I had been having dizzy spells on and off all day. I was making sure to keep hydrated today. My therapist and I had a good chat. We didn’t stay on any one topic for too long. I felt good after seeing him. I decided to go to Chipotle for dinner. I grabbed something then made my way home. The train was delayed at points, much to my annoyance, as I wanted to get home, eat, and then sleep. Finally got to my stop and I stood up. HOLY PAIN. My ankle scooping pain that I have been feeling for a week returned and felt like my ankle bone was going to pop. I swore as I hung on the railing to keep from falling. I limped to the escalator and the rest of the way through the station to get to the busway. My mood took a nosedive. My sister had texted me and I responded that I was on my way home and hurting. As I waited for the bus, I sat there pondering why I am still alive. What is the purpose of living if I am just going to be in fucking pain. I was so fed up. I felt like I was no good to my family. They would be better off without me. I felt such high despair it was unbearable. I didn’t let my sister know any of this. She said she hopes the pain settles and that she loves me. I responded thanks and love you too.

The bus came and it felt like forever getting to my stop, not like I was looking forward to getting off the bus. I had to walk 2.5 blocks to my house, which I knew would be in agony. I really just wanted to disappear forever. I slowly walked home, watching each step I took so I didn’t further hurt my aching ankle. I got to within a block from my house and I carefully watched my steps because last week I stepped on a rock that hurt my ankle. Luckily, there were no rocks in my path. I was starting to feel dizzy again. All I thought was please don’t let me pass out as I walked up the stairs.

I made it and I still was feeling lousy emotionally. I still wanted to die. I had my dinner, which was cold but I didn’t care. I listened to music as I ate. My mother came into the kitchen and moved my bags that I had on the table. I finished my dinner and threw out the bags. It was really painful to stand, let alone walk. My mother had done laundry but there was no way I could navigate carrying the clothes while holding onto the railing. They would have to wait. I went to my room and carefully changed into my pajamas. I opened the box that I had, the few things I had ordered from Amazon.

I kept on feeling off. I was feeling dizzy and panicky. I took an Ativan and some pain meds to try and calm things down. I took my pulse because I felt like my heart was palpitating. It was a slow beat, which was odd. I measured it with my phone and it was 58. I don’t ever have a slow pulse. Maybe that is why I feel so dizzy. I tried to take my blood pressure but the batteries on my monitor need to be replaced and I don’t have the batteries. I’ll have to get them tomorrow. That would explain things. I don’t think I will take my night time dose of blood pressure pills. With all the fluid that I drank today, my pulse should not be 58, especially after going up the stairs. I’ll be calling my PCP tomorrow to let him know this. He might want to lower my BP meds or something.

Hopeless and thinking of the end game

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, physical pain, suicidality

I’ve been in a rotten mood all day. I’ve been sleeping in 3 hour increments, the first one happening at 3 am. I was in pain and just did not want to move. I also didn’t want to take my pain meds. I’m just sick of taking them, actually, I’m sick of taking all meds today. I didn’t take my morning meds. I shut the alarm off and then fell back to sleep only to wake up a few hours later. 

My mother called around 1pm and I thought it was an alarm going off. By the time I realized it was my phone ringing, it was too late to answer. She called because she wanted me to open the door for the therapist. I was pissed. I didn’t want to get out of bed. I had to pee so I got up. My ankle felt like it was being crushed. That further caused my mood to go south. I carefully went downstairs and used the bathroom. I brushed my teeth. Then went downstairs to open the door. I didn’t feel like eating or anything so went back to my room. I got pissed off again because my bowels decided it needed to be emptied not even 10 minuted back to my room. Fuck. Went back sownstairs again. I decided to make something to eat. My mother was making beef stew but it wasn’t ready. I had a ham and cheese sandwich. 

Went back to my room and I just wanted to die. My mood was so low. I felt like I was under the blackest clouds. No light was ever going to shine through. I thought about texting my therapist but didn’t. What was he going to do? I really thought of ending it somehow some way. I decided to make a cup of tea and have a pop tart. 

Went back downstairs. My mother was in the kitchen and the therapist had left. I asked my mother if she wanted tea and she did. I made a cup for her as well. In had the pop tart. My ankle was in rough shape and I felt so angry to be in pain for the third day in a row, the same type of pain. After I finished the pop tart, I went up stairs again to drink my tea. 

I sat on my bed. I didn’t turn on any lights. I read Twitter and Facebook. When I finished my tea, I tried to nap. I kept thinking of what would happen to my nieces and nephew should I die. I am so depressed I can’t even think of a date to end my misery. I can’t be bothered with planning my own death. My mother called me to say the stew was done. I didn’t want any. She said she was hungry, so I told her to eat. 

I wish I wasn’t around anymore. I just can’t deal with pain and no one (other than my support group) helping me to deal with my pain. I am back in the pit of despair. And this time I am so far deep that I can’t even think of how or when to end my life. How sad is that?

clusterfuck of a day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Clusterfuck of a day

Yesterday I spent all day in bed as my foot and ankle were competing as to who was going to hurt me more. I did the bare minimum of things and barely ate. I basically just left my room to eat whatever and use the bathroom. My mother was mad that I didn’t do the dishes like I have all week since she was sick. My sister did them but my mother wanted me to do them. Tough shit. My sister texted me saying that my mother’s sugar was low last night. I couldn’t move as I was in too much pain.

Today my back was sore. I think I slept the wrong way or the change in temp (it went up to 40F degrees) killed me. I stayed in bed most of the day. I made my mother dinner and then she wanted me to do the dishes. Tough shit. I just took some advil for my back. If it calms down, I will do the few that are there.

My therapist texted me yesterday about my statement. I apparently over paid him and had a credit of $210, that was not counting the $135 I sent him. So he is going to cash the checks and then write me a check for that amount. I basically don’t have to pay him again till March or April, if I continue to see him.

My mother is still sick and tomorrow is her birthday. I don’t think she will want anyone over the house. I have physical therapy tomorrow. I set my alarm as I haven’t been getting up early and I need a shower. I am going to tell the PT that I am giving her until the end of Jan to help me. So far nothing we have done has helped decrease my pain. I honestly don’t see the point in continuing when it isn’t doing anything. I hope I can see her tomorrow, provided my back isn’t flared like it is right now. Guess we’ll have to wait and see. I hate these flare ups. Sometimes they last a day and sometimes weeks. They generally go away on their own as I woke up with it. I didn’t do anything, least I don’t think I did, to set them off.

I got my medical insurance card. I need to call them to find out why it’s different than the one I had last year. Usually, if you want things kept the same, you don’t have to send them any paperwork. So I didn’t. Now it’s changed to a cheaper plan and I am not sure what that will mean. It’s still a PPO plan but I am not sure what it covers. I might have to go to the benefits office when I see my psych on Friday. Calling them isn’t going to get me anything but aggravated.

The pain clinic called today. I have an appt with them in February. Only thing is, it isn’t with an MD but a PhD, which can mean it is with a pain psychologist. I am not happy about this. The last time I saw a pain psychologist for a pain clinic, the MDs didn’t want anything to do with me and sent me off because this psychologist said that I would abuse or misuse my meds due to my sexual abuse history. Here it is 6 years later and I am on the same dose of meds and I am not abusing or misusing my meds, at all. I swear the system is rigged. I probably am going to have to have a few session with this guy before I see an MD for my pain. This just means I will suffer more while this goes on. I literally have to suffer another month before seeing this psychologist. Fuck. All because my PCP is a chicken shit. I just want to die it would be easier than going through this hassle. I don’t see a point in continuing.

A harrowing day 2

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

A harrowing day

I woke up around 5 am because my back was hurting from sleeping on it. It was hard to move and then I couldn’t go back to sleep because I was in pain. My foot was throbbing, but nothing too severe, least not yet. Around 7 I decided to go to Starbucks to get my coffee so I would have it for the weekend and some half and half. It was cold out but warmer than it has been all week. A major storm is suppose to start tomorrow morning.

I caught the bus and went to Starbucks. I was debating on trying the Yukon coffee, which I never had but is a medium roast, which is also what I like. Maybe I will try it next month. I got breakfast and a soy latte with 5 shots espresso. I didn’t want an iced drink as it was too cold out. Paying for the soy was expensive. It was like 8 bucks. I thought I would use my birthday reward but it didn’t go through. I will have to try again on Friday.

I wanted to get some cheese at the grocery store but there was no one at the deli counter. I wanted to catch the bus so I just got the half and half and some English muffins. I was able to catch the bus home. The bus was roasting. I was so hot with my heavy jacket on. I was almost home and my ankle cramped up in the spot that is giving me trouble. Luckily, walking it off helped but left my ankle feeling sore. I went up the stairs and put the things I bought away. For some reason I kept having to go downstairs and talk with my mother because she was still having problems with the TV remote. I also told her the nurse would be coming. The nurse had called me because my mother’s phone is not working. Verizon was supposed to fix it but I never got a call. Around 1130, I called them to find out what was going on because I received a text saying the issue was resolved but I had no internet and my mother’s phone was still not working. The woman said the tech was still working on the problem and would call when it was finished. The tech never called but things were fixed.

My ankle had flared up soon after I called Verizon. I was really irritable and depressed. I was also having a lot of dark thoughts which I wrote about while the internet was down. All I did was take two steps toward the sink to wash my utensils. That was all my ankle needed and it was out of commission. I got very distressed and angry. I am so sick of being in pain. Nothing was getting rid of the pain. I took my meds and read twitter and facebook. I posted some stuff on both medias. I looked at cute pics of kittens and dogs. Nothing was helping. I took some more meds and then an Ativan as I was ready to do something, anything, to rid me of pain or my life, I didn’t care. I think the Ativan calmed me down enough so I was thinking crazy thoughts. Finally the meds worked and my pain was lower than it was. I decided I was going to order pizza and fries rather than get a haircut.

I am very tired as I have been up so early. I never took a nap because I was so anxious. I couldn’t settle down. I kept reading about the storm that is approaching. I hope it doesn’t blow our roof off or damage it more than it is. One of our roof tops is in need of replacing. Hope it stays together with the high winds we are supposed to have. I don’t like high winds as it feels like it is going to blow the house down or something. I closed my window and am just running the ceiling fan. Otherwise it just gets too hot in my room.

I think I am going to go to bed early. I was going to watch some more MASH but I don’t think it will be a good idea. I might read to get my mind off my worries over the next few days. I might not be able to see my psychiatrist Friday if it is very icy out. I sent her an email about being irritable and that I hope to see her at our appt. I don’t see my therapist until Monday so I am hoping the street will be better by then. His office building is on a main street so it should be clear and hopefully ice free come Monday. I just don’t know when the snow will stop tomorrow and if there will be enough time for people to shovel to remove it before it all turns to ice.