Tag: mental illness

a little of this and that

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

A little of this and that

I have been bordering on the edge of crying all day today. My emotions have been all over the place. I haven’t cried yet but it is there. I am listening to Taylor’s new album, Folklore. It is beautifully crafted. I love all the songs. I can’t believe I haven’t written about this till now. I am a huge Taylor fan (if you been following me for a few years you know this). I didn’t like her album lover as much as I thought I would but this one, blows the socks out of the water. I am so in love with this album. There is no song that I have skipped nor want to. I don’t have a favorite song yet. There are three in the mix, maybe five. I am still learning the names of the songs. It takes me a long time to learn a new album’s names and there are a lot of songs on this album so it is going to take a while.

I had therapy yesterday. My therapist is concerned now that I am not on medication. She feels that eventually she will have to hospitalize me because she fears a deterioration in my mood. I hope this doesn’t happen. She is having a check in with me on Monday to see how I am. Mentally I am not doing well. I know this but I am worried that she is worried.

I had a shit day so far today, literally. I lost control of my bowels this morning. What a fucking mess. I had to shower afterwards. There was no getting around it. I had my mother look at my backside to see if I got everything. Then I had her give me a beach towel so I could shower. My sister was kind enough to yell at me for not emptying the garbage bag in the bathroom. I thought that was nice of her.

I haven’t been keeping up with fluids today and I feel it. I feel so out of sorts its not funny. I am just completely worn out. I went to get my haircut after therapy yesterday. I got a caramel cloud macchiato. It was so good. I miss going there regularly. They have the seating all blocked off. It is sad for the times.

I have been weepy the past three days but I haven’t cried. It is like it is building but I can’t get relief. I am so depressed. I wish I knew why but I don’t. I feel like I am just going to lose it one of these days. I am so tired of being depressed. I am off medication, which is why my therapist is concerned about me. I won’t go back on meds unless I am in worse shape. There really is nothing for me to take. I have been on everything. I might go back on Zoloft if I have to go back on meds. I don’t know what I will do if the voices come back. I don’t know if I want to go back on the Invega. I might switch to something else.

My surgeon’s secretary got back to me today. Surgery is scheduled for the 27th of Aug. Four weeks I will know if this is going to work for me. In the meantime I am still going to get headaches and shit when I do things. I am so tired I think I am going to lay down and hope I can sleep.

productive day

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Productive day

I did some productive things today, including writing this blog. I made breakfast and coffee. I wanted another cup but I might have one in the afternoon. I then got dressed and mailed out the voter registration cards that I needed to mail. It was a nice walk as it was cooler today than it has been past four days. I still got out of breath by the time I came back to my house. I had to take the mask off to breathe properly. I hate that I am still getting winded while walking.

Only think left for me to do is empty the recycling in my room. I might do that this afternoon. I just hope there is still room in the bin. I might shower later. I stink. I haven’t showered since Sunday. But I am tired so I don’t think I am going to.

I have been in a funk the past few days. My mood has been really low. It has been like this for the past week or so. I stopped taking the duloxetine because it was upsetting my stomach and now that I am off the Invega, I feel “off”. I still get the shakes but I think it is because I am cold as I get a chill from the AC. I love being cold but not too cold. My therapist doesn’t know I have stopped my meds. She is not going to be happy when I tell her tomorrow. I just hope my shopping comes in before the appointment. I really am not looking forward to the conversation as she gets concerned. I don’t meet with my psychopharm until next week. I am not sure what I will be on. I am not having symptoms right now so I don’t want to be on anything. The depression will always be there. I wish I didn’t get sick from the duloxetine. It was finally working for me. I don’t have any other antidepressant to go to now. All the others make me sick.

Today was my shot day. I hit another vein when I injected. Blood was everywhere but luckily I didn’t get any on the bedding. I feel so wiped out right now. I guess all the energy I had wore off. I want to nap and I might. I really don’t want to because I did that all day yesterday. Yesterday I couldn’t stay awake even if you paid me. I was so damn tired. It was so damn hot out. I haven’t been sleeping good. I just been sleeping in increments. I don’t know why I can’t sleep more than 4 or 5 hours straight. I keep waking up with weird dreams. My REM is short, 45 mins rather than 90 mins. I have sort of timed it once. I don’t know why it is so short but it sucks as I don’t get the sleep I need.

Last night I was feeling suicidal again. I was just in a rotten mood. Today is better but I feel restless. I don’t know why I feel like I am so shaky. Could be withdrawal from the medication from last week. I hope it passes because I hate feeling cooped up inside myself. That is the best way to describe how I feel. I wish the walk I took today helped calm me down some but it didn’t. I think I am just going to empty my recycle to get some exercise and get my mind off things. I might watch some of the TV show that I am into. I haven’t watched it in months. Sucks because I am paying for it yet I am not watching the shows. I just am not too interested in TV. I rather read a book or listen to music. I am still listening to Hamilton’s soundtrack. I got my four favorite songs that I listen to all the time. I sometimes pick a song and then listen to the rest of the musical until I hear It’s Quiet Uptown. I think the musical should have ended there rather than with Hamilton’s death but I don’t make the rules.

I need to get my haircut. I think I will get it done on Friday. I don’t think I have energy for it today and tomorrow my groceries are going to be delivered so I won’t have time then. I also have therapy. I just hope the groceries come before my appointment.

Sunday’s thoughts

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Sunday’s thoughts

I woke up feeling shaky again. I just wanted to sleep today but forced myself to sit up and face the day. It is really hot out and I am retreating to my room for most of the day as it is the only place that is cool. I also forced myself to shower. It was quick and I feel better and am much less stinkier. My brother in law is mowing the grass so I am getting whiffs of it. Smells nice on a day like today. I just hope he doesn’t get burnt like he usually does in hot weather.

My back has been spasming since showering. I just took a Zanaflex to calm it down some. I wonder if part of the shakiness is because I stopped taking the Cymbalta a week ago and the antipsychotic in the same week. Hate that these meds have these side effects on you. You really put up with a lot but I guess it is better than being psychotic at times. Right now I would rather feel psychotic than shaky and have uncontrollable hands/arms.

I did my meds for the week. I nearly forgot last week. I don’t understand how I can forget as I do it nearly the same time every week but I guess there is always a chance of forgetting. I don’t even remember what I was doing last week. I just have time go by and I get lost with it. I have been listening to Hamilton’s soundtrack the past week. It is such a good musical. There are like four songs that I have on repeat. Helpless, Satisfied, Burn, and It’s Quiet Uptown. I love these songs. I think they are the best of the best though I woke up with Washington on your side in my head this morning. I have snippets of songs go through my head and I have to listen to the song to get it out of my head.

I can’t take the shakiness anymore. It is driving me nuts. I don’t know why I am feeling so damn shaky. I feel like I am withdrawing from something. I have taken little doses of Cymbalta thinking it is serotonin related but I get no relief. It is awful. I don’t know what this shakiness is about. I am still sore from all the shaking that happened Friday morning. It was awful that I was up all night with side effects and nothing was working. I was alternating Benadryl and Ativan and still wasn’t getting relief. I should have had relief so I think it is part of the Cymbalta withdrawal. I just hope I will be getting better soon.

Today is my blogging anniversary! Happy 8 years!

another shitty day

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Another shitty day

I tried to make it to my appointment for urodynamics today but my body was like, that is a no. I got the runs when I reached the bus stop. I came home just in time. How I didn’t crap myself I have no idea but I am taking it as a blessing. I canceled the appointment because it was too late to go back to the bus stop. Plus I wasn’t feeling so hot. I felt weak like I did a month a go when I had the infection I wasn’t aware of. I just tried to go back to sleep but I got hungry and made myself something to eat. I didn’t like the coffee today. It wasn’t sweet enough. I drank half a cup and then tossed the rest of it down the drain. I feel bad that I had to cancel but if I had gotten the ride like I was supposed to it would be a different matter. I couldn’t get a ride because they would pick me up after the appointment and that wouldn’t be good. So I canceled the ride and appointment. I had no choice. I will just make it on another day.

My psych emailed me this morning and I responded saying that I wish I could just say the hell with the steroids, order the MRI and do the surgery but I can’t. If the steroids don’t work, then I will have to go to plan b which is what I just said. There is no other plan. I have six days on the steroids and then we’ll see how I feel. I hope that I will be feeling better. I haven’t done my PT exercises because I walked to the bus stop and back. I did a 1000 steps. PT should be happy with that.

I asked my sister to take me to the library so I could return this book I have had out since Feb. It was due in March but because of Covid, they kept putting the date back. It is due next week so I had to return it. The library still isn’t open. I wanted to see if I could get the YA book that I am starting. I have the first book on kindle. I would like to get the other 2 books in the series but they are too much for me right now. I have been seeing good reviews on Twitter from readers I know. I am always interested in a good book.

I have been listening to Hamilton the past few weeks. I just love this musical. I am glad I gave it a second chance and downloaded Disney Plus so I could watch it. I like to put a name with a face. And I love Phillipa Soo. She is brilliant and so beautiful.