Tag: mental pain

Saturday Halloween Blog 2020

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Halloween blog 2020

There were no trick or treaters this year in my neighborhood. I don’t think anyone dressed up for Halloween. I didn’t. I wanted to spray my hair gray but I never bought the paint. I had a lazy day. I went and did an errand and by the time I came back home, I was exhausted. I took a nap and it was a good one. I just hope I can sleep tonight. I was up in the middle of the night again. I had woken up around midnight and couldn’t go back to sleep until around 3ish. I read my book for an hour.

My back was giving me fits today. I tried the Zanaflex but it isn’t working for me anymore so I just been taking Ativan. Only downside is that it makes me sleepy. My back has also been hurting as the spasms have been causing pain. I need to talk to a doctor about it because it is interfering with a lot of stuff I do and I can’t be sleeping all the time from meds trying to control the spasms. I just don’t know which doctor to ask for help. I might start with my pcp and see what he says.

I have three appointments next week. Therapy, psychopharm, and PT. I have been trying to write something to talk about in therapy but I am coming up blank. I looked at the site for the pain psychologist and it was overwhelming. So many videos that were more than an hour long. I bought a workbook for managing chronic pain using CBT. I should get it over the weekend I think. I should probably get it by Monday. I think I bought the book before but I gave it away. This book was recommended on the website so maybe the therapist uses it in sessions. I will find out as I don’t think it is something to learn on your own. CBT is hard. I got to make an appointment with her.

I am so tired of being tired. I just want to sleep these days. Today was an okay day even though it was cold out. I still sweated my ass off when I came home from walking. I was out of breath and my back hurt from cramping. My shoulders and neck muscles have been hurting me for the past few weeks. They are just so damn tense and I can’t seem to get them to relax. I need a good massage. I tried finding a video to stretch the muscles but I can’t seem to do it right. I just end up rolling my shoulders and scrunching them up to stretch them out. It is the only exercise I know how to do. I am so sleepy that I could go to sleep right now. I have no energy to fight it. Guess I am going to bed early tonight. Hope I am not up at midnight again.

therapy and stuff

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Therapy and stuff

I had a difficult therapy session today. I got blocked and told my therapist this and things just fell apart. It was toward the end of session. We talked about what I wanted therapy to be like and her thoughts were that if I wanted to get better, I had to change and to go about wanting to change. If I wanted to just see her for venting that was fine but I wasn’t going to get better by doing that. I just wanted to fucking run so damn fucking bad. She said she was the GPS but I was driving the car. I had to get in the car. I guess right now I am unsure whether I want to be in the car. We didn’t set up a following appointment. I told her I would get back to her when I wanted to and she was okay with this. I think I am going to take a break from therapy for a bit to sort things out.

We talked about my grief and how sad I was at the loss of my uncle and the anniversary of my aunt’s passing. I still am grieving her loss. November is birthday month and now it is also remembering that my aunt passed away. She died on my godfather’s birthday. I miss them both.

I told my therapist that I had hit a block when I was writing about my grief the other day. She gave me a new angle to look at it but then I became blocked during session. She wanted me to talk about my feelings and I just couldn’t. I didn’t feel safe enough to talk about it I think. This whole virtual therapy feels so awkward. I still am not used to talking after all this time. I find it kind of distracting. I’m either staring at myself with glances at my therapist or watching my therapist glance at me while her eyes are down. I hate watching myself because I hate the way I look.

I managed to brush my teeth and wash my face today. I also made coffee. My mother made mac and cheese so I had some of that. I wanted a grilled cheese but I still haven’t managed to make it yet. I am too afraid of burning it. I just had pumpkin pie for dinner. I didn’t feel like cooking.

Tomorrow I have the pain psychologist meeting. I hope she can help me cope with my pain. I haven’t been doing so good with it lately and pain has been out of control some days. Last night I had to put on some diclofenac gel in order to quiet down the pain. It helped to bring it down some so I could sleep. I am not in too much pain today. I’ve been having to take gaba nearly every day for the past week. My appetite has been through the roof but I have been controlling it. It has been hard but possible.

a rainy day of pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

A rainy day of pain

It is cold and rainy today. My back has been cramping like crazy. I just gave in to meds that were better than the Zanaflex I was taking. I had to take a pain med because my ankle flared up. I don’t know why as I haven’t been on my feet that much. But I did manage a shower so maybe the water aggravated it. I don’t know what triggers the pain. If I did I would avoid doing it. I canceled PT for today because I didn’t feel up to it. I had therapy. I told her that I was having suicidal thoughts again. They have been passing thoughts, thankfully. None have stuck around long enough to do anything more than wish I was dead.

My therapist always asks what to do about helping me get better. She suggested I try meditation so I agreed to look for something that would work. She wants me to do one thing of it every day. She thinks that because I am not accepting of my illness that it is harming me. I don’t see how it can harm something that you don’t want to accept but then again, I have not fully accepted that I have a severe form of mental illness. There are parts of it that I do accept but it is hard. I have been dealing with this for more than 30 years. I have accepted that I need medication for my illness. I realized that back when I was 16. Doesn’t make it easy to take them sometimes though.

I can’t believe how much I am hurting today. I hope the way the weather is doesn’t hold that I can’t stand cold weather. I love the cold. But my body has not been so accepting of it in recent years. It gets worse with every winter. I just hope it is because of the rain my back has been cramping so damn much today. Even while laying down I have been hurting. Sucks.

Twitter has been difficult today because of the SCOTUS hearing. I don’t like the nominee and I think she will be very bad for women’s and LGBTQ rights, which is why Dufuss picked her. I bet he thought we could be fooled because she is a woman. I just hope the VP doesn’t cast the last vote like the other person. It will suck if that happens. It will all come down to the few Rs that like changing their minds last minute.

The other day I finally mailed in my ballot for the election. Now I don’t have to worry about going to the polls. I was worried that I wasn’t going to get the mail in ballot on time. I like that my mother voted this election because it was mail in. Usually she doesn’t vote. I think the turn out is going to be better in recent years because of the mail in option, least in my state anyways. I hate hearing that some ballots are being rejected because the person is POC. I hate that there is such voter suppression in certain states.

Sunday Blog 16082020

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Sunday Blog 16082020

I took a shower and I am tired. I have been sleeping most of the day. I didn’t sleep well. I kept waking up to use the bathroom. I wanted to go to the pharmacy but I got too lazy. Sox lost last night. I don’t have high hopes of them winning tonight either. They have no pitching and it is just pitiful.

I did the same thing today that I did yesterday, sleep late and do nothing. I am just so tired. I kept waking up early to use the bathroom and I didn’t really drink that much so I don’t get it. But as long as my kidneys are working that is important.

I feel depressed today. I have been in a down mood since I woke up. I don’t know why. I wrote my psych an email and I didn’t even finish it. I just sent it without closing remarks. I still am nervous about surgery. I will be in two weeks. I have the anesthesia call this week. I still haven’t heard from the lab about Covid testing. I hope to hear from them this week. My therapist is on vacation this week. I am glad. I can use the break. I probably will have another break from her after my surgery.

Back has been acting up with spasms all day. It is driving me crazy. I just took some Zanaflex to try and quiet them down. I have to start taking some Miralax soon as I haven’t had a decent bowel movement in a week. I started taking magnesium supplements tonight to try and help the bowels. I sometimes go when I take mag. I wanted to shave today but my back has been so messed up that I couldn’t stand long enough to. I hope the magnesium helps the spasms, too.

I have Hamilton running through my brain. Yesterday I listened to the musical again. It is becoming a Saturday tradition. I love it and I learn something new each time I hear it. The weather has been cool the past two days. To my surprise, the temps have been in the 60s which is beautiful. I still had to use the AC at times because my room was stuffy. I still need to go to the pharmacy. I hope tomorrow I will be up before 2pm so I can go. I also want to make coffee. I haven’t had it in a few days because I have been sleeping so late. I just don’t want to get out of bed. I got to talk to my cousin to see if he will take me to the grocery store. I need more Gatorade.