Tag: nerve damage

hurting Saturday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Hurting Saturday

I woke up at 6 in pain. The ankle brace I was wearing was digging into me. I took some meds and then went back to sleep, not caring if I never woke up again. Unfortunately, I did, around 1300. It hurt to move my ankle. I took some pain meds and went downstairs. I thought about brushing my teeth but I was going to eat so what would be the point. My mother had made some fried eggplant so I had some of that and then a bowl of cocoa pebbles. Then I made Hawaiian coffee. It was perfect, even if I was in pain.

I thought about reading a book when I went back upstairs to my room, but read Twitter instead. Someone on Facebook posted a pic of a response to Cheeto’s “Merry Christmas” campaign. I tweeted the pic to the jerk. I really detest him and hate Congress more for keeping him where he is instead of getting rid of him before he causes a war.

The music in my head got really loud. I emailed my psych again, saying I think it is dependent on my pain levels because I have noticed that when I am in a lot of pain, the music is louder than it normally is. I played my new favorite album by Eric Church, Mr. Misunderstood. I had his new single, Round Here Buzz, on repeat. I love this song. I was so happy to hear it on the radio the other day. Now I just hope they release “Mixed drinks about feelings”. Love that song too. There really isn’t a song on this album that I don’t like. I have listened to it for days when I first bought it. The music is so good.

I am really tired. I don’t think I am going to make it to keep track of the OSU/NEB game tonight. It’s going to be hard to watch because I love both teams. But I have a feeling NEB is going to get crushed. OSU is just a really good team.

Going to lie down and hope this pain goes away. If this is a nerve injury, then I think my nerve is shocking my bones really bad right now. It’s so painful. I put lidocaine on and it didn’t do anything. I am so upset over this. The last few days I have been in such a bad mood. Feeling hopeless is the worst of it. I just want to die. I don’t see a reason to go on. What is the point? More pain?

Monday I have therapy. I really don’t want to go. I just don’t see the point. Course, I don’t see the point in anything right now. I just keep on going and not quite sure where I am going.

Psychosis That Lingers

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mental illness, mood disorders, Paranoia, psychosis

Psychosis that lingers

I was reading some of my blogs from earlier this year. I do this on occasion to see what I wrote as I usually forget what I have written the majority of the time. Apparently sometime in January, I was having a psychotic break, even though I was taking the abilify. In my blogs, my therapist wanted me to take my PRNs, which I can only assume was trilafon to help quiet things down. I had refused. Now that things have escalated to the point where they are now, It’s no wonder I can’t get a hold of things.

I am glad the trilafon is working as well as it can be. I have been taking at least 4 mg faithfully the last few days since getting my mail order prescription. Some days I need 8 mg because the voices are just too loud or things are just “weird”. Like lyrics telling me what to do or music changing their meaning. I might also be paranoid. I know eventually I will become tolerant to the 4 mg where it doesn’t work for me anymore but I hope that doesn’t become the case. It’s obvious from my blogs that the abilify lost its ability to work for me.

There are many reasons for this. Having to lose a parent and the stress of the grief was one major reason. Having to go through a SSD review was another. Not to mention a review for my student loans which still has not been decided yet. Add in the stress of my back problems and knowing I am pretty fucked if I move the wrong way doesn’t exactly make be feel comfortable.

Then you have the external stressor of terrorists that I believe are really aliens looking for power to control the world. One way or the other, world war III is going to happen, eventually. It’s going to be against, possibly, religion or an us vs them mentality. I don’t know who is going to be president of the US in the upcoming election. I hope it’s the democratic nomination but you never know. And if it’s the republican nomination, the world is screwed, not to mention the US. I cannot fathom a racist president will run the US.

It’s been seven months that the voices have been out of control. It’s been a month that I have been off the abilify. The only thing that has stayed constant is my chronic pain. My suicidality has been in and out. Some days it’s very much apart of my life and other times it is barely on my mind. Lately, It has been on my mind more. I so want to escape the harsh reality of being commanded by voices that nobody can hear. They keep telling me to do things. They haven’t specifically told me to kill myself but I fear that they will soon, even with the trilafon that I have been taking. The voices now know that I have been taking trilafon. It’s candy to them. It works most of the time. It’s not perfect because unlike the abilify, I have to take it every 6 hours or so. I am bad at keeping track of the hours so when I start to feel paranoid or can’t stand an object talking to me, I will take another dose. I never exceed 8 mg a day. I am too tired by then and usually am in bed after the second dose, if I need it.

I have been reading Harry Potter tonight. I read three chapters. I wanted to read four but I just can’t. My meds have kicked in and I will be going to bed shortly. I have absolutely nothing to do tomorrow except possibly call my psych. I want to let her know what I found out. I think it’s important for her to know how long the psychosis has been going on. This way she can make a clinical decision if she needs to.

I was having zaps earlier this evening. I seriously thought about emptying a bottle of Neurontin in my stomach. I hate zaps. There is nothing I can do for them but wait for them to pass. I hate nerve pain more than my chronic pain that I have. Least with the chronic pain, I can get relief with my pain meds. It really had me feeling suicidal. Throw in the intensity of the voices and it’s not a good mix.

The Loss of a Legend

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

The Loss of a Legend

I was first introduced to David Bowie when I was a young kiddo. I think it was the movie Labyrinth. He scared me in this movie so I never much cared for the guy. It wasn’t until I was older and heard his music did I really start to like him. Even now I can’t get the song “dancing with myself” out of my head. It is one of my favorites of his. I am saddened by his loss. I plan on getting the Labyrinth to watch as an adult so I am not so scared. I am not one for scary movies and I know this movie is not scary but sometimes things leave an impression on you.

I have my MRI today. I am really nervous and still trying to keep hydrated so I hope they can find a suitable vein for the contrast dye. They need this to distinguish between old and new injury as I had surgery on my back. My pain has been off and on so I am hoping that it’s not something serious. I had a few days of no pain and I was thankful for it, even though my ankle was a bitch. I have to have some kind of pain every day. It’s just the way it is these days.

I am listening to Adele. I don’t know why. Her latest CD is nothing to write home about. There are a few songs I like but don’t ask me to tell you the names. I really just know it by the beats. I feel like I am betraying Eric Church by listening to something else. I might go back to his music sometime today. I plan on leaving my house around 1515 to catch the bus to the Square. I will have something to eat and then leave to go to the hospital to have the MRI. It’s really cold today as the windchill is bringing the temp down by at least 10 degrees. The house is cold and I have had to put socks on my feet to keep them warm. They were starting to feel frostbitten. Stupid nerve damage. Soon as my feet get a chill, they become really cold and fast.

I really want to talk to my therapist today but I don’t think I will be able to. I have been texting her but that isn’t the same thing. She doesn’t know about the voices telling me to do things. I have kept that from her because she always gets nervous when I become psychotic. I think the anxiety about me being psychotic is worse than when I am suicidal. I was having a conversation with the voices last night. It wasn’t bad but they were annoyed so I was annoyed. I wasn’t giving in to their demands so it frustrated them. I am surprised that I am handling this so well and that I am not really freaked out. These voices aren’t my regular voices. I haven’t taken anything extra to deal with them. I probably should but I know they will go away once I have the MRI and I know the outcome of it. My stress level is dependent on the voices. Some people have anxiety, I hear voices. They keep wanting me to take more drugs than I should be taking. So I just haven’t been taking anything because I don’t know if I can trust my impulses. If I plan on taking one pill, they want me to take three. It’s the nature of the beast. Least they aren’t telling me to take a bottle of pills anymore. I was a afraid to take anything for fear of emptying the bottle in my stomach. I think that is why I didn’t fill my pill box for that week. I was too afraid to take any pills.

Despite having coffee and a light breakfast, I am wicked tired. I wish I could take a nap but I know if I do, I will feel like shit later in the day. I would read something but I am afraid that it will make me even more drowsy. I have nothing to do until 1500. I tried writing in my journal but there is only so much to write when you feel sleepy and want to crawl back under the covers.

Foggy Sunday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Both my games won today. Sox and Patriots won. I am glad. I am, however, sad that one of the announcers at NESN had his last game at Fenway. The stupid network fired him without just cause. He will finish out the remainder of the season and then be gone. I heard that San Diego is looking at him. I don’t want him to go because he made watching baseball fun. Now I am stuck listening to the radio for next season. Maybe I will watch the new guy but I really want to boycott the station in protest. I could be a real ass and just cancel the network, but that wouldn’t be fair as we would have just basic channels and my mother would probably kill me. She wouldn’t have her Hallmark channel or the other ones that she likes to watch anymore. What was really shitty was that the Red Sox had a tribute to the guy and the network didn’t air it. What assholes.

I was in a fog most of the day and then I watched my games. I totally forgot to call Walgreens to find out about my prescription. But I put in the order for it to be “refilled” so maybe things will be working okay by tomorrow. I am really surprised they didn’t call me and tell me there was a problem. If there is a problem, I am still going to tweet Walgreens and complain. There should be no good reason why they can’t fill my prescription as I have had it before. It’s not new. I am not allergic to it. There are no interactions (that I know of) with my other medications. I just find this so frustrating. Least call like they said they would. That is the other thing that pissed me off. Why bother telling someone they are going to call you and then don’t do it? I should just complain about that. Take that for being a dumbass. Or at least call and tell me the problem is a computer thing and won’t be fixed until such and such a date. I am so annoyed. If I didn’t need the medicine, I wouldn’t care. They could take their blessed time but I am close to running out and I hate not having my meds. It just creates anxiety for me.

I didn’t make coffee today. By the time I thought about it, it was too late in the afternoon. I made breakfast and then decided to make coffee after my nap but I overslept and then the games were on. I really need to shower tonight. I was going to this morning but I was just so sleepy. I didn’t go to bed till around 0300 and then I woke up around 0600 and been playing sleep catch up ever since. I took some Neurontin last night to help with the bloody pain and that was why I was so hung over today. Lack of sleep and Neurontin doesn’t mix well. It took me so long to make pancakes this morning. I kept having to go over the ingredients over and over to make sure I didn’t miss anything. Then after I mixed it, I had to lie down. I just let the mixture sit for about a half hour. I guess it was a good thing because the pancakes were nice and fluffy which they never were before. So now I have a secret way of making the pancakes fluffy.

My pain levels are minimal today. I think the Neurontin helped to shut things down. I will have to remember to keep this in mind when I have my next flare up next month around this time. It seems I have been having flare ups the same time every month. It can go on for weeks. Like I explained in my last blog, it’s sometimes difficult to ascertain whether I am experiencing nerve pain or physical pain. Usually my pain meds takes care of my pain and then I am fine. But when it doesn’t work, I have to find an alternative. I am glad I have the Neurontin as it can help tremendously. Only thing that sucks is the hangover part and the fog. I have to sleep off the medication otherwise, I am sleepy all day. And then I have to deal with incessant hunger cravings. Today wasn’t so bad. I had three meals today plus a snack so I think I am good. I had a big piece of steak for dinner so I am hoping I won’t have any other food cravings for the rest of the night.

I still don’t know what causes the flare ups. This time it seemed to have been caused by zaps. Zaps are electric shock type of pain that runs through my foot. I usually just get it on my big toe in my bad foot, but lately, the zaps have been all over my foot. I think it’s because I am still numb and the nerves are trying to fire to make connections again that I feel this type of pain. But they usually don’t last too long. This round, they lasted at least six hours. I was very sore the next day. I thought it was over but the soreness never left and neither did the pain left behind. I am just glad the pain is gone now because I don’t think I can stand another night of being in pain. I hope it doesn’t return tonight because it just makes me really depressed.