Tag: nerve injury

listening to Taylor Swift

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Listening to Taylor Swift

I decided to listen to Taylor because it has been a while since I listened to her music. I really love listening to her. I am listening to all her music that does not include her recent album. Her lover album is so different from her earlier music that I couldn’t put it in the playlist. It is not an album I like.

I spent most of the day sleeping. I again had an early morning awakening and couldn’t go back to sleep. I was tired most of the day. I went to the pharmacy to pick up my meds. Seems I am there every other day for one prescription or another. I hate that I am on so many meds. My antidepressant med I take two pills to give me a dose that helps me. I am surprised that it hasn’t made me nauseous yet. Usually they make me sick after a few months. But I haven’t had too much stomach problems yet. I am glad because being sick all the time is no way to be.

I have decided that I am not going to text my therapist about anything anymore. She is just not receptive to it and can careless about how my particular day is going. She doesn’t want me to become dependent on her yet she wants me to be open with her but only when we meet. It is still difficult to talk via the computer and I blank out. I try to say something, anything and nothing happens. It is like the thoughts are just sucked out of my brain. I hate that I am not talkative. We have been having a later time in the day and it has helped with me being awake during sessions. My brain still hasn’t woken up though enough to talk for 45 mins. I am sure we will work it out but I am so tired of having silences during our time.

I need to shave with my razor as my electric razor doesn’t seem to get that close as I would like. I also need to trim my sideburns. I completely messed up my mustache when I was trying to trim it so I had to shave it off. I hated to do it but the damn trimmer kind of did it for me. I think I need to try with a razor next time. I want to get it in a thin line but I am not sure I can do it. I will have to play with it. I want to get it like my uncle’s mustache was. His was always neatly trimmed. I really miss him. He probably would not accept me as a guy but I know he would still love me. He was a good man.

I am going to try and shower today. I don’t know if I will be successful as I am really tired and have no energy. I know the shower will suck whatever energy I have. I hate that it takes so much effort to wash up. I miss the days when a shower was refreshing and not a hassle. I envy my sister and nephew who can take a shower without a problem. I have sort of decided that I would take a selfie if I showered to show off my shower head hair. It is usually all messy and stuff and looks kind of cool. I don’t remember the last time I took a shower so it has been a while. If I shower today it will be the last time I will have long hair on top. I made an appointment with my barber for next week to have my haircut. I want the top short again. I can’t stand it being long anymore.

I am fricken exhausted

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

I am fricken exhausted. I only went to the pharmacy to get my meds and came right home. I feel so lifeless it isn’t funny. this so sucks having no stamina/endurance/energy to do anything. Pain is part of it too. it is just exhausting. After I went to the pharmacy I went to my sister’s apartment to relax a bit before going up the stairs. We talked a bit and I made the decision to call my PT to set up an appointment with her. The first available wasn’t ok in my schedule so it will be in two weeks. Now I got to call the Ride and schedule transportation to and from the place. I will do that tomorrow. I need to write down the appointments as I just took whatever might work for me.

I am so tired. I think I might go to bed early and hope I don’t wake up at 2 like I did last night. I had a hard time getting to sleep last night. I emptied my bladder and that helped a little but I still could not fall asleep and stay asleep. I had to get my meds and leave the house for a bit because I was getting cooped up again. I am hoping tomorrow I will get some energy to go to the butcher shop in the Square and get some burgers and steak. I want to make my chili cornbread casserole but it all depends on how my back feels in walking. It flared up big time by the time I came home so I just been laying low. I got the AC on because it is warm in my room. I can’t tolerate the heat at all.

Baseball draft is tonight. I don’t understand how it goes so I won’t be watching it. I will pay attention if the Sox sign someone. That will be the only interesting thing to hear. I remember last year we got a high school kid that was so excited. I forget his name. Hope we get some good pitchers this year. We really need them.

weird happenings

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Weird happenings

I have been feeling off all week. Wed I contacted my surgeon and he said to go to the ED to get evaluated. I got evaluated alright, complete with MRIs. I got there and I felt like I was going to collapse. They had put me in the least but fastest track in the ED. Until they took my blood pressure and labs. Then it was thought I needed to be monitored a little more closely. I went to the Acute part of the ED and was hooked up to monitors and stuff. I was given antibiotics because my white count was very high, indicating infection of some sort. Nothing has revealed itself to be the source of infection though so I am not sure what is going on. My labs yesterday were better but my white count was still high. I mostly stayed awake in the ED and when I came home yesterday, I couldn’t crash right away. It took some time for my body to settle down. I was so overtired.

I still haven’t gotten my blood culture results yet. All the rest of have come back negative. My urine is clean and so is my chest. They did a chest x-ray yesterday to rule out pneumonia or another lung ailment. I feel crappy but I talked with the PT yesterday and she said it could be that I am deconditioned and that is why I feel so crappy. I think I do have something going on with the fluid collection that is making me tired. I don’t know what will happen now. I got to be in touch with my neurosurgeon and see what the plan is now. I am to start outpatient PT again. I plan on calling next week to see if my PT is available. She is really good and I rather see someone that knows me than someone new.

The weird part of this infection that I got is that I am not running a fever. I just feel worn out and sluggish. I got back pain with it but I think that has to do with the surgery than anything. I was completely feeling rotten yesterday from lack of sleep and I think I am on the mend now. I just hope the antibiotics work and I don’t need to be on them again.

I did feel uncomfortable in the ED because I kept on getting misgendered. No one asked what my pronouns were so they just assumed I was female, even though my chart says the opposite. Usually they are really good but not everyone was up to reading my chart I guess. The ED RN was really good. She found me a turkey sandwich. It was nice of her to do that. She said I was her nicest patient for the shift. I guess her first one had tried to hit her. I feel bad for these RNs that have to deal with violent patients. Doesn’t make the night a good one. I tried not calling her for things if I could avoid it. She did check in on me every so often so that helped. I couldn’t sleep at all while I was there. I was up for over 24 hours. I just lost track of time.

I just wanted to shower when I came home from the hospital. I did and regret it as I couldn’t go on. I felt so weak and tired. I don’t know how I managed to get dressed. I felt like I was in there for more than an hour just trying to get dressed. It was awful. I didn’t put on my PJs. It was too hot. I just went to my room in my underwear. Luckily, my nephew didn’t see me.

Lazy Sunday

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Lazy Sunday

I have done nothing because there has been nothing to do without complete exhaustion. I made dinner and I am so tired it isn’t funny. I just heated some ribs and mashed potatoes then cleaned up afterwards so I wouldn’t hear the tyrant bitch. It was enough to get me worked up and feel worse than I was. I don’t know why I am so damn tired all the time. I don’t know if it is because my blood counts are still low. I just feel like crap.

I wrote an email to a friend and tried reading my book. It has been hard reading Marsha Linehan’s book as there are so many parallels between her illness and my own. The feelings are palpable and it stirs up stuff. She talked about finding god and being transformed when she found him. I can understand that. Lots of people do when their faith is strong enough or so I hear. I am glad she found him so she could move on with the demons of her life and work on “getting people out of hell”. She writes this so many times. I read some of the reviews for the book and there was a lot of complaints about this. I don’t mind it though as it is her life’s work and her book. She can write it as many times as she wants. It is how she developed a brilliant therapy that helped saved millions of lives.

Today has been a cool day so I have the AC off. I don’t remember what the weather is going to be like tomorrow. There was talk of thunderstorms but I haven’t seen the latest reports about this. It might have changed course or something. I will check it before bed. I am just worried about rain coming through the AC vent as it is open because my brother in law broke it. I have tape on it but that won’t hold much if the rain is heavy. It is windy out but not gusty.

I’ve been listening to Terri Clark and Mary Chapin Carpenter. I haven’t been on social media much. It is too upsetting for me right now. I have been trying to just rest like I should be with this stupid fluid build up. I don’t know when I will be having surgery. I am guessing sometime next week or the week after. I am kind of scared of the recovery as this first time was a doozy. It has been 10 weeks since my surgery and I still feel so tired and exhausted with doing anything. I just want to nap all the time. Yesterday I slept most of the day. I can’t stand how my stamina is so low. I am not sure what will increase it. I guess I need to do more but I don’t want the leak to get worse. I am on my last day of steroids. I hope the headaches don’t come back when I completely stop them. I don’t like the headaches as they just make me tired.