Tag: nerve injury

Waves of Depression

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Waves of Depression

Been having waves of severe depression the past few days. They last about an hour or so and while feeling it, I think the world is ending. Things just seem so hopeless and bleak. I don’t want to do anything but sit on my bed and stare at a wall. I can’t concentrate on Twitter or FB. Lately Twitter hasn’t been holding my interest. I scroll and read some stuff but mostly just scroll without even reading, esp if there is a thread in the tweet. I just can’t be bothered to read someone’s opinion on something for like 10+ tweets.

Today was a pisser of a day. My sister helped me change my sheets. It took her 10 minutes to change them and I was in awe because it takes me at least a half hour. Then she decided to clear an area of my room that was an eye sore. So she cleared that. I went grocery shopping and while I was out of the house, she tore up my fucking rug in that area because she didn’t want the dust to waste vacuum bags. I am fucking livid right now. She wants my room the way she wants it, not how I want it. So fuck you she isn’t allowed in my room anymore. I don’t give a fuck. My therapist wanted me to practice radical acceptance but today, nope. Not happening. I am too fucking angry to practice that shit.

Because my sister was cleaning this area of my room, she had piled stuff on my bed so I couldn’t rest properly after food shopping. I had to lay on the couch with the TV blaring. I didn’t sleep. I did rest though which is what my back needed. My back had started to spasm like it did yesterday and I wasn’t able to control the spasms. It took some serious down time to make the pain stop. I wanted a nap so bad but I never got the chance to sleep. I think it is because I had strong coffee at 1230. I just been going since then. Even now that it is after 8 pm I am still not feeling tired even though I should be.

This morning when I woke up at 2 am I had headaches. I sent a message to my surgeon about them and he got back to me today saying he wants to see me. I see him tomorrow morning via zoom. I am glad he wants to see me because these stupid headaches have been debilitating. I hate waking up with them. I don’t know if it is a CSF leak or what but I want him to be aware of what is happening in case it is.

I just ordered some face coverings that I thought were being shipped from the US. Nope. China. So I won’t get this until a month or so from now. Just lovely. IF I had known, I wouldn’t have bought it. I will check on amazon next time.

chasing what is already gone

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Chasing what is already gone

This song has been in my head for the past hour so I thought it would make a good title for today. It is a song by my favorite country singer Mary Chapin Carpenter. She has been doing some segments from home and it has been awesome seeing her like every other day with a new video of her playing her music.

Today I found out I am not as strong as I thought I was. I had to go to the pharmacy because they were not answering their phones. I went there and found out they were processing the wrong medication. I was livid. Then they told me it would be three hours before the script could be filled so I went home and my legs felt weak so I didn’t go food shopping like I had wanted to. I had to go back to the pharmacy to pick it up three hours later and while I was waiting in line, I felt like I was going to collapse. There were three people ahead of me. By the time the person in front of me was up, I was starting to feel weak in my legs. The tech couldn’t find the woman’s meds. It took her a while to find them. I thought by then I was going to collapse. Then the guy that was in front of her had his meds screwed up so they had to do it over because they didn’t have his insurance information. UGH. They called me and I felt so weak. I got my meds and the things my mother wanted and then I sat down. I was going to leave but I had to rest. The muscles in my legs were pulsating. I was worried I wasn’t going to make it home. By the time I reached the house next door, I was breathing really heavy. I sat on my porch for a bit before going in the house. It has been a couple hours since I came home and I still feel weak in my legs. My back is hurting me like the Dickens. I just took some pain meds. I sent a text to my therapist asking if it was ok to take my meds when I am hurting and she said yes. I somehow needed that reassurance that it was okay to take my pain meds when I am hurting really bad because sometimes I don’t feel like I deserve relief.

I got my headphones in my ears listening to Mary Chapin Carpenter as I recover from today’s outing. I am not planning on moving from my bed. I might go downstairs to have a bowl of cereal or pancakes for dinner. I don’t feel like cooking and don’t think it would be wise to do so. The pancakes are already made. I just have to heat them up. I love these pancakes because they have protein in them. They have a different kind of taste to it but other than that they are good. They are made by Kodiak.

I am using headphones because sound and air waves are bothering my foot. I hate this allodynia. Just hope it doesn’t keep me up tonight. I did a lot of standing so I might be hurting big time tonight. I am glad I took the pain med when I came home.

stupid is as stupid does

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Stupid is as stupid does

I am really pissed off that there are places where the government is opening up beaches and other places without a clear indication that it is safe to do so. Florida, the state of the stupid, seems to not care about the welfare of the people at all. I know we are all a little crazy being kept in our homes but it is far safer to be there than outside where you could catch something and pass it on to unsuspecting people who are sick. I also cannot believe the doofus is still in office despite being impeached. What is the point of going through an impeachment process if they don’t oust the person sitting in office? Fuck. And this idiot blundered this virus so badly. I am at a loss for words. Do me a favor, Stay the fuck at home!

I have been having bladder spasms and pain all afternoon. I don’t know why. I don’t think I have an infection. But then I have been wrong before. Only problem is I don’t want to go into the hospital just to drop off a specimen again, especially as the cases of the virus have gone up. I am still compromised as I am recovering from surgery so would be more susceptible to it if I were exposed. I might have to go up on my bladder spasm medication. If it doesn’t stop by the time I go to bed, I will send my uro a message asking her what to do about it. I really don’t want to increase it because it causes constipation and I am just now becoming regular without having to take Miralax all the time. I think the Senna and magnesium have done the trick for me. I don’t want to upset the balance. I have no idea what is causing me to have this balance but I know that if I add more constipating medication I am going to disrupt it.

I had therapy this morning. We talked about being on pain meds and what it means for me. She wants me to take them when I need them and I guess that is the “permission” I need. There is nothing wrong with taking my pain meds but there is if I don’t take them when I need them. I don’t know why the pharmacy didn’t fill the prescription today. I will find out tomorrow and file a complaint because it should have been filled. There is no reason why it shouldn’t, unless they didn’t have the medication in stock. I won’t be getting a 30 day supply. I will be getting a 28 day supply, which always messes me up as to when I can get my meds filled again. I don’t have to worry about it until I get the damn thing filled and then I will put the refill thing on my calendar to remind myself so this doesn’t happen again.

I got the window open and it is cold in my room. Temp right now is 67 degrees. It was 66 earlier. I shut off the fan so maybe it will warm up. My cousin, the one whose boiler broke, is still broken and she is without heat until her son can get the part to fix it. I feel bad for her and her husband who is in the cold. But they have their wooden stove so she assures me she is ok. I still worry. It is supposed to rain tomorrow, which is probably why my back is so bad today. I am keeping the window open as long as there isn’t wind, I should be okay with it. If there is wind I am going to have to shut it. I don’t want water in my room.

Sunday Blog 19042020

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Sunday Blog 19042020

I didn’t sleep well last night so I slept for most of the day today. I took my night meds early so I could possibly be asleep by 9p tonight. I already took muscle relaxers because my back was spazzing up a storm. My sister never went grocery shopping so I am hoping tomorrow my brother in law will take me. I need cereal, Gatorade, and other stuff. Most importantly Gatorade as my supply is good only for about 5 days. I really would like 32 oz bottles rather than the 20 oz that I have. That 12 ounce difference makes a huge deal. I’m hoping that it will be after 11 am when I am free. I have a 10a therapy session so I won’t be able to go until then.

I have been thinking of upgrading my phone but I am not sure I can afford to do so. If I do, I will have to take away the extra line I am paying for. I should do that anyway as the line is not being used at all. I wanted to keep it so that I had another number in case I wanted someone to call me but I got a google voice number to give out now. I got a text only number for my kindle as well so there is no reason for me to pay for another line. I still have the phone in case something happens to my phone. I paid off so both phones I own. I would like to get the Samsung 10 Note. I know it is bigger than my current phone but it comes with a pen and I would love to be able to write notes on my phone which I can’t do on the one I have. Or I might just wait till the dust settles for the Galaxy 20 model.

The PT I have called me tonight to set up a time for tomorrow. I won’t be able to go shopping like I thought I would. I might have to have my brother in law drop me off and pick me up. Depends how I feel after PT. I wish I could just order online as that would be ideal but I don’t have the money right now to do so. I just have my food stamps which can only be used in stores. Hope one day I can use it for online shopping.