Tag: physical pain

So Close

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

I was hoping to go to sleep before my foot or ankle decided to say hello to me tonight. Nope. Didn’t lie down quick enough. Actually, lying down is actually a kind of trigger. Seems my pain is worse when I lie down versus when I am sitting up. Now my foot is doing a curling thing so I had to take some Ativan to calm the fucker down.

I am tempted to text my therapist or email my psychiatrist to ask if I can have an amputation on my ankle if I can’t kill myself. It’s a long shot but I figure there is no harm asking. While I was lying down before the pain erupted, psychache hit me square in the chest. So now I have both types of pain going on and I am ready to jump off a bridge. It’s a good thing I don’t have a car to get to where I am going. There are no bridges in my area that are high enough to kill me, except the Tobin but it’s a bitch to get to and you do need a car.

I don’t know if I am going to get out of this episode that I am in. I feel like if I don’t go through with it, I am a loser. If I at least attempt it, that will be something. If I fail, at least I can say I tried and then deal with the consequences, horrible though they will be. If I succeed, well then this blog will be all that is left behind. None of this will happen in the next few days so if you are thinking of saving me, you are wasting your time. These are just my thoughts that are running through my head at this particular moment in time.

Pain is causing me so much grief. I feel like I am losing it, not that I actually had things to begin with. The black coat of depression is pressing on me very closely. I have been trying to master the lyrics to the song “Make you miss me” by Sam Hunt. I heard it twice today on the radio and messed up the lyrics. Pissed me off. I wanted to share the lyrics and song with my therapist but I was too afraid she would cry. I did share two songs with her today, Reckless by Martina McBride and Don’t think I don’t think about it by Darius Rucker. It helps me to share music with her. I have a knack for songs finding me when I am hurting or need to express myself.

My Sox lost and I think they are no longer in first place. I am upset. They should have had these games but their offense was dead. There are only 17 games left in the season or that count toward the pennant race. I am so nervous about these games. It’s not helping my mood any.

I seriously want to email my psychiatrist and ask her if she thinks I am going to escape this episode that I am in. I just don’t see a way out. I don’t want to go into the hospital. It won’t help me. I might be fine for a few days to a week but the suicidal stuff always comes back. It’s like a monkey on my back. And the longer I go without an attempt, the stronger it becomes. I haven’t made an attempt in years. I don’t know if I am hopeless. I don’t feel it. I feel nothing but blackness. I just don’t know what is going to keep me connected to this world. I hope the pain meds kick in soon so I can get at least my physical pain will be taken cared of.

Ankle Chronicle Rant and Other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Ankle Chronicle Rant and other things

For the past several hours, I have been in severe pain because I decided to walk down a ramp instead of level ground. I had no idea it was going to cause me this much pain, but it is. All I want to do is sleep but I am so tense that my neck is hurting me. Being in this much pain, is causing havoc. I seriously want to amputate my ankle. I have thought about this a lot of times. But fortunately, I don’t possess the power tools to get the job done.

I forgot to mention some stuff to my psychiatrist in my appointment today so I emailed her. She is so worried about me getting severe side effects from my anti psychotics that I had to remind her about the more simpler side effects like constipation and urinary retention. I haven’t been on this medication since before my nerve injury so I don’t know how it is likely to play out. So far, I haven’t noticed anything worse, except possibly, starting my flow of urine. I didn’t mention this to my psych because I really do not want to see a urologist.

Anyway, she seemed fine with my description of the matter and what I am doing for the constipation. I didn’t tell her about the starting the flow of urine because I knew that might raise some eyebrows. I am okay with it unless it becomes worse. I hate having a nerve injury that causes these things. The nerve injury is what is causing my foot and ankle to be a dick. I swear that if I didn’t get my second diagnosis of Cauda Equina Syndrome, I would not be disabled today. Or maybe I would be, but it would be because of mental difficulties rather than physical ones.

I am very exhausted from dealing with physical pain all the damn time. It seems the pain syndrome is just getting worse and trying to control it is getting more complicated. I have to time my pain medication accordingly or I am in severe pain. And when my regular pain meds don’t work, I have to take the stronger pain meds. If neither of these meds work, then I know it’s nerve related pain so I have to take Neurontin. It is a true juggling act managing my pain.

I know that my pain flare up today was caused due to me doing to much the last few days and not having a rest day in between. I have been out of the house since Wednesday and have not slowed down some. Yesterday, I walked more than I should have because I didn’t want to wait for the bus for an hour. I walked four blocks home and that caused my ankle to falter. Today I had my doctors appointments and couldn’t cancel them so I walked around the hospital to go to the two appointments that I had before my ankle had enough. It didn’t help that I stood on the train for five stops. I have been taking more chances and in the end, it just causing me more and more pain.

I was supposed to meet up with friends tomorrow but I canceled that engagement after my ankle basically said fuck you to me on the ramp. I really was looking forward to seeing my friends as we don’t get to meet up that often. But I needed to take care of myself and that means ordering pizza tomorrow and watching (hopefully) college football games. Last week the games I wanted to watch were not on in my area. This week, I am hoping at least one game is in my area.

I also need to shower. I wanted to do so tonight but my foot was having no part of standing whatsoever. Even standing to take my meds was a hassle and that was for less than two minutes.

Psych and Neuro Abnormality

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Psych and Neuro Abnormality

I saw my psychiatrist today. She was kind of miffed at the neurologist for suggesting that the trilafon is behind the music stuff playing in my head. She intends to email her and set her straight as she has never heard of such a thing. She said that I am a mystery to her. I laughed. She wanted me to read Oliver Sacks to get a better idea of things being weird in psychiatry/neurology. I told her I would look him up.

I was able to get my pain meds filled without a problem, thank god. If there was a problem, I was going to raise hell. I purposely stayed at the pharmacy to make sure there were any glitches. Then when I was walking home, my ankle said it wasn’t going to work anymore. I was going down an inclined part of the walkway and it just gave out on me. I was cursing myself for having walked that part of the street. It can be a trigger for my ankle giving out on me. Luckily, I had my trusty cane with me so it helped. I am really pissed because tomorrow I was going to meet up with some friends and now I can’t do that. My week is done.

Today was extremely humid so of course I am a sweaty mess. I have to wait till my pain meds kick in to take a shower. I was going to shave but seeing as I won’t be going out tomorrow, I might as well keep my whiskers. It will have to be a quick shower anyways as my ankle and foot will murder me if it’s a long one.

My mother had dinner for me when I came home. I ate it quickly, then went up to my room to cool off. Now I am craving pizza. I can’t decide if I want a whole or a half. I just want two slices but they won’t deliver just two. I wish I could just walk to the pizza place but I can’t. Guess I will have to wait till tomorrow to satisfy my pizza craving.

I told my psychiatrist about the book I am writing. She didn’t seem that enthusiastic about it. But she is happy that I am writing. I also told the NP about my writing adventures. She was a little enthused about it. I told her about my pain being horrendous and she didn’t have anything to say to me. She just gave me my script and off I went. I found out that my diagnosis is “other chronic pain”. It was on the prescription. That doesn’t help me. I guess I never will find out why my ankle likes being a fucking pain. Another abnormality.

Civic Duty and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Civic Duty and other things

I saw my neurologist, who wasn’t really helpful in figuring out why I listen to music in my head all the time. She thinks it might be my antipsychotic causing the problem, or some medication that I am taking. So as long as the lyrics don’t tell me to kill myself, I am to live with the music stuck, on repeat, in my head. Just fucking lovely. Not only do I have to live in pain, I got to deal with this bullshit.

After the appointment, I was kicking myself for not bringing my Kindle to read as it was a long train ride back to town. I decided to do my civic duty because they were holding city elections today. So I did that. As I just got off the bus, and the next one would probably be at least a half hour to an hour, I decided to walk home. I didn’t want to stand around for the next bus. It was a long walk but I was feeling okay. That all changed once I hit the main street where I live. I was maybe ¾ home when my ankle was saying fuck you. The other side of the street was blocked off with cones so I wasn’t sure if I could cross where I was. So I decided to be a good citizen and walk to the crosswalk as it was close to my house anyways. While going by a convenience store, I decided to play the Powerball game as it’s $555 million. I expected to be in and out but nope, I got behind a guy that was playing all sorts of numbers left and right. I was ready to just walk out when he finished playing close to $40 worth of lottery numbers. Unreal. I got my quick pick and hurried home. I was starving and I was getting hot because it was really humid out. The last time I ate was around 0530 this morning. And it was now around 1230.

I came home and made a cheeseburger. I cooked it really well. In fact, I think I overcooked it to my tastes but the burger was sitting in the fridge for a few days and I wanted it well done. My ankle was not happy with the cooking. I changed and went up to my room with the AC on and rested. About an hour later, exhaustion struck and I needed a nap. My cousin must have called about an hour later. I knew what that was about. My mother wasn’t home yet so that meant she went shopping. No way was I going up and down stairs with my ankle screaming at me. I ignored the calls. They knew I was home and my mother was bullshit. But my cousin is a fairly healthy male so why the fuck can’t he bring the bags upstairs?? It pisses me off that I am expected to just because I am home. So I didn’t care that my mother was mad. My ankle is killing me and I still have two appointments tomorrow that I need to attend to. I have no idea how I am going to manage. I need to get my pain meds refilled and I need to see my psychiatrist.

I am really hoping the “black box” warning I heard about doesn’t affect me tomorrow. I will really be bullshit if I don’t get my meds because of these stupid warnings. But I won’t know until then whether or not I will get my meds. It’s a worry that is in the back of my head.

I wrote a little bit in my journal this morning as I had time before my appointment. I had about an hour so I was really early. I rather be early than late anyways. And with the T, it’s better to be early. I just wish I had my Kindle so I could knock down some Dostoevsky. I really wasn’t thinking about it because I had such a shitty sleep and woke up an hour and a half before my alarm went off. I didn’t dare try to go back to sleep because I really wanted to make coffee. I made it perfectly and it was so good, I wish I had more so I could have had a second cup.