Tag: physical pain

Depressed Because Pain Sucks

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Depressed because pain sucks

I thought I would escape the pain demons tonight but I was wrong. Zaps started a little while ago and now my foot is throbbing uncontrollably. I just took some pain meds, which I was hoping to avoid because most of my day has been pain free. I should have known that around 2300, my pain would increase.

I am deeply depressed. I am thinking of suicide again. It is the only thing that helps me to relax and gives me hope that my pain will end. I know that it will cause others pain by my death, but I just cannot go on living like this. I would say that I am too young to die, but there are kids dying every day because of cancer and other horrible diseases, or by stupid parents that leave them in hot cars.

No one knows what causes my pain. I am terrified of seeing another PCP because I am afraid he or she will not believe my pain because it very rarely happens during the day. I have most of my pain at night, when I don’t have an appointment with a doctor. Even then, I am sure they won’t be able to diagnose what is wrong. This has been going on for more than 4 years now. My quality of life sucks. I vacuumed the rug near my bed because I was tired of little shits of lint and other stuff getting on my bed because my feet track them there (I am barefoot most of the time). Most of it is lint or pebbles or paint chips from the stairs. Where the pebbles come from, I have yet to figure out. I found one on my near my “office”. How it got there is a mystery as I don’t have my feet anywhere near where I found it.

I am thinking of increasing the Zoloft but am afraid to ask my doc about increasing it, only because the stupid “wonderful” system that they have might screw up the dosage change again like it did before or totally delete it once it has been changed. It’s a very fucked up system. Even my pain meds have to be “added” though I have been taking it for years now when I go for a refill. So damn stupid. Yet the stupid system still has the abilify there even though it has been months now that I haven’t been taking it. Go figure that one out. Or rather don’t try. It will give you a brain cramp.

I have noticed the last few months how much my moods and suicidality have been surrounded by my pain. I think my therapist finally got it today after she read the letter that I wrote to her on Aug 24th. She saw how devastating my moods can be when my physical pain is at its highest level. I am in pain tonight but not at a suicidal level, thank goodness. The pain I feel now is just a mild, annoying throbbing due to the electric zaps that I had. These zaps are terrible and can go on forever or just a little while. I never really know but the longer they persist, the deeper the pain levels are once they stop. It’s worse than a severe cramp in my foot.

I should be sleeping now but pain is keeping me up. I have to get up in about 8 hours. I will be lucky to sleep at least 6. I am very tired. My head wants to rest. For the first time in weeks, I don’t have music drilling my head. It’s just playing softly, like background noise. I wonder if my neurologist can figure it out. It will make for an interesting story in my book. A nice short chapter. Most of my chapters in my book are short. I think the longest story is the first one and the rest are 1200 words or less. I am striving for at least 850 words per chapter. It is fun to write. I hope my readers will buy my book once it is published. If they don’t that is okay too. Most of the stories are on my blog anyways, with a few exceptions. So basically, the book is a blog production that is in paperback. It will also be on Kindle for those that have e-readers.

I didn’t think I would finish my book this year. I am getting closer to it. 80 pages shouldn’t take me long, if I keep at it for the rest of the month. Maybe the beginning of October I can start looking for an editor again. My last editor just flew the coop and I have no idea where she went. I have a Twitter buddy that has agreed to work with me. I have no idea how much she will ask but I will pay her around $300. My book isn’t that long (word wise) so it might work out. If she wants more than that, I will have to wait a while to raise the funds. Course that will mean no Amazon spending for the next few months. I miss shopping there and getting “presents” when the orders come in. But sacrifices need to be made. I do have to place one Amazon order my next paycheck as I need my senna and eye drops. Getting them at Walgreens or CVS is just way expensive.

How Darkness Seeps In

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

I didn’t go to sleep till around 3 am. I had the itch to write but all that I wrote was “it’s late”. The rest of what I wrote was boring and I am going to toss it. I really wanted to write about the psychosis getting out of hand and switching antipsychotics but all I did was outline my thoughts. I guess it’s a start.

Around this time last year, I was signing and faxing papers for the New York Times as I wrote an article they would be publishing. It was exciting as I never dreamed of writing for the Times. It was an extremely high ego boost. But it didn’t last long as I crashed into a deep depression afterwards that stuck around and is still lurking around. I guess I have been depressed for almost a year now, my longest episode. The psychosis didn’t really affect me until November of last year. That was when the abilify stopped working for me and I just thought things were still going okay.

It wasn’t until my back went out and I got scared I would have to have surgery again that my depression really worsened, causing the psychosis to also worsen. Add in the stress of my father’s ill health and it was a perfect recipe for disaster. I started having the physical symptoms of depression and lost some weight because I wasn’t eating. It’s easy to reflect on this as time has passed but it wasn’t easy while I was going through it. The psychosis really got worse after the Orlando shooting. That is when I stopped taking the abilify because the voices told me to. I was under their command. I just thank my lucky stars that I didn’t call the FBI like I wanted to because I was so delusional. I wanted to let the FBI know that they should look for a parasite in the brain of the deceased gunman because that what was causing him to act the way he did. I truly believed there was aliens planted parasites in ISIS followers that was making them evil and do bad things. I still believe this.

The voices wanted me to take more medication than was necessary for a few weeks. It wasn’t until the paranoia got out of control that I decided to go to trilafon to help with all the craziness that was going on in my head. My therapist was fearful I was going to lose it or take my life. I also started emailing crazy stuff to my psychiatrist which she had to stop because it was not the run of the mill stuff I normally sent her. If I had to “talk” to her, I had to page her. I couldn’t understand but now I sort of do. What I was writing was a little concerning. But it was my new “normal”. It wasn’t until I was at an adequate dose of trilafon that I realized just how crazy I had been.

All throughout this psychotic phase I was going through, I didn’t think it was bad. I still don’t. I had become more distant from my feelings and empty. It was like I felt nothing. I was hollow. These feelings didn’t last long. They were then covered up with depressive feelings and sometimes suicidal stuff.

My chronic pain reached its breaking point. I had my last flare up and I was going to make sure that it was going to be my last. It hasn’t happened yet, but it will. I am tired of living from flare up to flare up and having little to no relief for days. The only way I can get relief is by taking pain medication around the clock, and sometimes I have to take the strong pain meds to break the cycle. I am hindered in my activities and it sucks. Even walking around my own house is troublesome during these flare ups. I can’t make myself something to eat, showering is next to impossible, even brushing my teeth is a chore.

Dealing with mental illness and chronic pain is very difficult. It requires a balance. I am grateful I am not working because I think I would be dead by now. The emotional toll it takes to work, I just don’t have anymore. It was difficult in the beginning to get used to all the free time in the world that I had. Going to Starbucks provided some routine for me but on days when the depression was bad or my pain levels were out of control, even that routine was soon broken. Now I go whenever I can just to get out of the house for an hour or so. It’s rare that I will be out for more than two hours. My anxiety and paranoia get too much and I have to return home.

I spend the majority of my time in my room. I write, read, and follow Twitter and Facebook all from the comfort of my bed. I have to keep my left ankle elevated to keep it happy. It’s not like it won’t flare up because it can and will. I still haven’t figured out what makes it happy and what makes it really angry. I thought walking and standing aggravate it but I can have hours where I am on the bed and the slightest movement can hurt me. It’s so aggravating and frustrating because what causes it to hurt today, won’t cause it to hurt tomorrow. It is very depressing, which only intensifies my suicidal tendencies.

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by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

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Saturday Blog 60

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 60

My mother and I were invited to a party at my cousin’s house but it got canceled due to “rain”. I wasn’t planning on going so I would have the house to myself. I got up around 1400 and my mother was home. I asked her why and she said it was because of “rain”. I looked outside and it was clear as day out. Whatever. I asked if she wanted coffee as I was going to make some and she said yes. After I made the coffees, I went back up to my room where it was cooler. I had a pop tart but really wanted to make a hot dog. I might make one later when I am watching the game. I also want tater tots so I might make them as well.

After I drank my coffee, I again felt sleepy so I laid down. I didn’t fall asleep. I started thinking about my father and the day my sister finally realized he was dying. She got wicked upset with me that day and it was the last time I cried for him. As I was thinking about this, I thought I was going to start crying but I held back. I couldn’t let the tears flow. The voices have been awful today and I felt they would make fun of me if I started crying. I just took my dose of trilafon and I think I am going to have to email my psychiatrist. I don’t have enough to get me through till Friday when I see her again, not at taking two a day anyways. I have been rationing it but it hasn’t been working out. The voices are just too demanding lately and I need 8 mg a day. 4 is just not carrying me through.

My ex-favorite pitcher, Jon Pabelbon, got released from his team today. He is now an official dickhead. Most of Red Sox Nation want to see him back but he has done poorly all season, hence why he has been released. He wasn’t happy where he was but said that he would like to come back to Boston. Personally, I don’t want him back. I don’t think it will be good for the team.

I am glad the game is on at 1900 tonight rather than it being a day game. It gives me something to do during the evening hours, even though my sleep is affected, usually. Depending on a win or loss, I tend to get emotional and it takes me a while to calm down enough to sleep, even if I take my meds. Then I usually get overtired and that leads to me staying up later. I am just glad the team is at home and not playing late like they were last week.

I wrote a letter to my therapist in a notebook from 3 years ago. I have a few blogs in there that I think I typed up but I don’t remember. I would have to look at my archives to see if I did or not. In between there are some journal entries mixed with at least one or two letters. My writing just went on and on. I told my therapist in the letter I wrote last night it was up to her if she wanted to read the pages or not. I thought about tearing out the pages but there were more than at least 10 pages and it would wreck the composition book. It isn’t a spiral notebook where it would be easy to tear out the pages.