Tag: psychological pain

support groups and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, psychache, suicide, suicide attempt

I had emailed my eye doc saying I was having problems with my eyes while reading, especially when I was tired. I just coughed it up to being fatigued but he wanted to see me the next day (today) and did some tests. Apparently my eyes have decided to go in different directions when I am reading so I have to go to visual therapy. It is basically physical therapy for the eye. Oh joy.

I am going to dinner tonight in Stoughton, south of where I live with some friends of mine. We have a good time and because my friend just came back from Germany, I am sure she has some chocolates for me . German chocolate is sooo good. Last time I had it, the damn mice ate it when we had a few. I was so mad. Mice enjoying my chocolate. Damn rodents!

Yesterday I was supposed to have a blog post in the AAS but it got scrapped for another few weeks. The post that got published was a hit. It was about support groups and now everyone wants one for suicide attempt survivors. If I knew the platform, I would do it. I am glad my post got bumped because support groups are important. I know that if I didn’t have my CES group, I would feel alone and probably would have killed myself because of the isolation you feel after something so traumatic happens to you. You are never the same after something like CES affects you. I know with suicide attempt it is similar. People attempt for different reasons but mostly to escape the psychological pain they are feeling.

Speaking of psychological pain. I recent came across another psychological pain scale that has some promise if it ever gets across the board. But the hard part is that most of these scales have to go through rigorous critical review from committees of all sorts before being accepted as an assessment tool used for the emergency rooms and urgent care units. Plus in busy settings, things will get missed and then what are you going to do when the person is positive for psychological pain? You can’t just leave them hanging and say have a nice day or come back when you have more pain. That would be unethical and unprofessional. And most academic psychiatric emergency rooms are almost always filled with “real” psychiatric emergencies such as the actual attempts and psychotic behaviors of drug use or because of schizophrenia/mania. Though each case should be evaluated by a mental health professional before an attempt be made. I suppose if this were to be implemented a special unit would have to be designated for it to speed up the process and long waits avoided. Or if this were implemented in the psych ER it would be more ideal than the general ER (Emergency Room/ward/department).

new journal and Crisis Response Plan

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt, writing

I started a new journal tonight. And like every other journal before it, the first two things that go into it is my crisis response plan and the Holden psychache scale, though lately it just is my response plan.

I tried finding the response plan online but all I found was emergency planning and a very LONG one that the Navy cooked up, most likely from the article I read about military suicide crisis training. I tried to find the article but I am unable to locate it in my files. I haven’t searched my thumb drive because I can’t locate that either. GGGRRRR so I hope I am not plagiarizing when I post this plan here on my blog:

Crisis response plan:
When thinking about suicide, I agree to do the following:

Step 1: Try to identify my thoughts and specifically what’s upsetting me
Step 2: Write out and review more reasonable responses to my suicidal thoughts
Step 3: Do things that help you feel better for at least 30 mins (examples can include, trying to sleep, play internet games, brush hair 100 times, write in a journal, listen to music, etc)
Step 4: Repeat all of the above
Step 5: if thoughts continue, get specific and I find myself preparing to do something, I will call XXX @ 555-555-5555 or suicide hotline
Step 6: if I cannot reach above I will call my therapist or psychiatrist
Step 7: if I am still feeling suicidal and I don’t feel like I can control my behavior, I go to the ER or call 911 (or whatever the local emergency line is for your country)
I have found having this in my journal useful when I have been hospitalized because it provides a plan of something that they need for discharge and I don’t always carry the card or the paper with me but I do carry my journal.

The second thing is Holden’s(Holden, Mehta, Cunningham, & McLeod, 2001) psychache scale and I don’t feel comfortable posting that here but you can look it up in the reference I have posted if you have access to the library.

I tend to hold off on it because I haven’t been using it lately. I know what the scale looks like and after a while you can manipulate it to whatever you want it to be from high to low. Plus when I feel numb or “fine” it’s hard to tell what kind of psychological pain I am in. My therapist and I used to use it to gauge how suicidal I was but then it just got to be like a joke. Or that the tables have turned on me because I was the one that brought in the scales and the response plan. My therapist didn’t have a clue about suicidality, which is typical of most therapists. That is why they like to pawn you off or come up with lame “safety contract” that is really a legal form for THEM not YOU. Least with the Response plan it give you something to take home with and is more detailed than anything I have come across.

Holden, R. R., Mehta, K., Cunningham, E., & McLeod, L. D. (2001). Development and preliminary validation of a scale of psychache. Canadian Journal of Behavioural Science, 33(4), 224-232.

exciting article

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, psychache, psychosis, suicide, suicide attempt

Just read an interesting article about the Collaborating and Management of Suicidality (CAMS). I can’t believe this theory is 25 years old. It is gaining more acceptance as time goes on as more countries are using it as a treatment modality in suicidal people. It is a clinical intervention that is used as a collaboration between client and therapist in the treatment and care of a suicidal person. I find it one of the best out there and it is the best because it can be used across the disciplines in the mental health field.

I will be writing more about this. I write a lot about Jobes, the creator of CAMS and the SSF (suicide status form). He is the most brilliant person I have ever met. The fact that this is going to electronic way I think will be used across mediums and will be easier to deliver. Most clinicians have gone the electronic way but not all. This makes me want to go back to school and get my degree.

shame of living

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, physical pain, psychache, suicide, suicide attempt

Today I got my bi-monthly journal of the American Association of Suicidology, Suicide and Life Threatening Behavior. My cousin came over and my mother said to him that I like reading that kind of material. I do but on another level, I feel embarrassed. I know I am taking it personally because it is personal. I attempted suicide many times over the years and each time I fail it is not only a failure, but it also is an embarrassment to my ego. I have the scars to show of the self injurious behavior I have had over the years. Again, an embarrassment of my illness. I don’t know why I feel this way. Or maybe shame is another reason I feel embarrassed. I don’t know. But it hurts. It hurts knowing that I failed and I am still here. I don’t know why it does but it hurts like hell. I have not told anyone about the shame that I feel other than my blog and maybe my therapist. There is so much I tell her that I sometimes forget if I tell her about the shame of living. I know people who have attempted don’t like to talk openly to the person in front of them about their story of attempt. I don’t think I can speak openly in front of a crowd of people and tell them I have attempted and failed and now I feel like a complete and utter failure. That I want to try again and succeed just to try to cheat death. But I have people that rely on me to be here and though I sometimes resent them for it and even hate them for it, I still continue living. I don’t enjoy living. It’s a constant struggle for me for one thing to another. It’s more of a hassle living than anything. Between the chronic pain that I feel physically to the chronic pain I feel emotionally, why bother? But I do because I don’t think I can ever again act on my feelings. I lost what is called lethality. And until I get it back, I am still going to be living this so called hell called life.