Tag: psychological pain

in a very depressed mood

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

In a very depressed mood

Pain has been with me for most of the day. I tried to nap and then my ankle was like “no, you can’t.” I got tired from my night meds and tried to sleep and the same thing happened. I just took some Neurontin, hoping it knocks out some of the nerve pain that I am feeling. My teeth hurt, the whole top so I am not sure if I should see a dentist or a doctor. It could be sinuses as I have been stuffy the past few weeks due to allergies. I am so frustrated that I am having yet another pain in my body.

As I was lying there pondering if I should just lay in bed or take yet more medication, I started to think about ending my life in a couple of weeks. I have the plan. I have the meds. I just need a solid date to play it all out. I want out of this world. I don’t see the good in it and I don’t feel so great about it.

I was going through my blogs. I do this from time to time. I came across one that was very depressing as I was talking about my transgender issues and how people see me. It’s bothering me more and more. I don’t have the energy to correct people anymore. I just let it go.

Apparently sitting up decreases my pain but I can’t sleep sitting up so I am fucking screwed. I hate being in pain. It’s driving the suicidal buttons to a new level. I emailed my neurologist about a TENS unit to see if that would help. She wrote back this morning and said it could help. There is a 50% chance. I don’t like those odds, especially as the device is expensive. I’ll put it on my back burner though and see how it goes.

I just can’t get out of this pain cycle that I am in. Today is really hot. I am glad I have the AC cranking. I had to put a long sleeved shirt on because I got kind of cold. I am wearing a tank top. I just had my lunch and my mother will be making spaghetti soon. I am getting hungry, even though I just ate. I didn’t eat anything all day as I woke up late. I really want a damn burger so tomorrow after my psych appointment I am going to get some.

I am feeling really depressed, like I can’t cope anymore. Everything is either pissing me off or depressing me. I know it’s the pain. Always the pain. I just can’t get away from it. It’s will me all the time, in one form or another. I was thinking of increasing the Zoloft but why bother. I just had an increase a few months ago. It helped for a while and now I am back to being depressed. Seems I always need a higher dose and then I am maxed out. The meds stop working for me. I should just end my life and be done with it.

I heard another musician died by suicide. I don’t know him as I never heard the group Soundgarden. One of my friends went off about suicide not being the answer, ever. If she only knew of the pain that I deal with on a daily basis. This is worse than a cancer patient’s pain. Least they will have an end. I don’t have an end unless I make one.

My mother jibed at me again today, because I was wearing a long sleeved shirt. It’s 90 degrees or more in the house and she asked if I was cold in her condescending tone. I just walked away. I don’t even think I answered her. I was tired of taking it off when going downstairs. I don’t know why she always has to give me a hard time on the way I dress, like I am a little kid.

I feel like life is unbearable right now. I just am so underground. There is no daylight. My heart is heavy and my ankle is throbbing again. I get no relief whatsoever. Death is all I think about these days. It makes me happy knowing I have a way out of this damned misery. One day I will end my pain. One day. And soon.

don’t call me daughter 3

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, transgender

Don’t call me daughter 3

Warning I am very tired so this might be a little ragged and out of sorts…

I’m having withdrawal symptoms because I forgot to take my pain meds before therapy. I usually take it when I reach his office because it’s around the time I usually take it. Idiot I am. Anyways, I came to a realization after therapy that got me thinking of the title of this blog.

We were talking and he absentmindedly called me a she instead of a he. I guess my reaction was unconscious because he quickly corrected himself. I realized after therapy as I was walking to the station why my mother had upset me so much yesterday and that was because she called me “daughter”. Any female pronouns or use of the word “daughter” will set off a suicidal cascade, which we talked about in therapy. Well, not so much about being the wrong gender but the fact she called me a lazy bastard on Mother’s day.

We spent some time talking about it. He wanted to know my plan because he got the sense I was suicidal. Sometimes I am without me knowing about it because it’s second nature to me. When he miscued and called me a she instead of a he, I really felt degraded. I have been thinking about talking about transgender with him the last 24 hours and I just didn’t bring it up today because the whole Mother’s day incident really had me upset.

I didn’t talk about the nerve pain that sent me over the edge over the weekend and that I was feeling while in his office. I had a bowel movement and it hurt really bad. It wasn’t a crime scene like it was the other day but I was still bleeding a lot. I am going to have to see my doc about what I can do because the pain is so damn bad. He is too new to talk to about this stuff. I wish I could just send him my blogs but he wants me to read them to him. I don’t like reading what I write up, unless it’s a clinical paper or something.

I really need to talk about the transgender piece because it drives me to suicide whenever my mother calls me a “Miss” or “my dear” in her condescending tone that she uses. I just feel so misunderstood about who I am though I know I am a male but to the world I am a fucking female because of the fucking things on my chest.

in a lot of pain with no end in sight

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

In a lot of pain with no end in sight

I woke up around 0630 with my foot hurting. I took some pain meds and then made coffee. I wanted to go to the Museum of Fine Arts today but that isn’t happening. I also wanted to take my jeans with the broken zipper to be fixed but that isn’t happening either. I heard a crash downstairs and when I rushed to check on my mother, pain was all that I felt. I am fucking miserable.

I guess low key activities are in order today. I will be reading the article I want to blog about sometime today provided the two pain pills I took doesn’t leave me higher than a kite. I had to take 2 because the pain is just so severe. I had taken one about half an hour ago and the pain got worse when I went to lie down. I want to nap but it just doesn’t seem that is going to happen. The pain is just throbbing so damn bad. I fucking hate when I wake up with pain because I have no idea if it is going to get worse with me moving around or not. Seems that moving around is not a good thing to do today.

I also plan on reading some more of the Robert Lowell book. I have like 9 chapters left to read so I am getting there. I am half way through Huck Finn and a friend gave me a book about Maya the bee or something like that. That is on my next book to read list. I don’t know when I will read Dostoevsky. I still haven’t finished Brothers Karamazov. I am close to finishing that one but it just drags on and on. If it was a regular book, I could see my progress but it’s on a Kindle so I have no idea how long the chapter is or how much more I need to read. Very frustrating.

I have another headache today. I think the new pillows are hurting me. One already got flat and the other is big and fluffy. I haven’t decided which one I like better. Neither helps my ankle/foot/toes pain. I am just in a bitter mood today. I haven’t had breakfast yet. I’d like to make pancakes but that doesn’t seem like it’s going to happen either. I had a donut and a fiber one bar with my coffee, but that was like 3 hours ago. Maybe I will wait a little and make hot dogs. Sox game is on at 2. I have no idea who is pitching. I haven’t seen the lineup posted, though I haven’t been on Twitter much today. They lost last night.

It’s a good day today, 64 degrees. I hate that I am cooped up inside because of pain. Maybe if the strong pain pills work and don’t knock me out, I can go and get my jeans fixed later this afternoon. Just sucks that I am in fucking pain. I hate it. It just stresses me out. Starting to feel the effects of my meds. Better go make some hot dogs before I pass out…

my thoughts however disturbing

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

My thoughts however disturbing

I didn’t talk about the politics that has happened yesterday. I don’t think it affected me, yet. I am hoping my state is immune because we have our own way of doing healthcare but I don’t know if the new Trumpcare will force them across the board or what will happen. It still has a few steps to go through before being signed by Cheeto.

But it has me worried none the less. If reproductive contraceptives are affected, I will no longer get my hormones free. I don’t know how much they will cost. A friend that has gone through the gender clinic who has mental problems like I do, was not able to get testosterone because she/he was not stable enough. I worry with my suicidality if the same will be my fate if I am no longer to get the contraception hormones to stop my menses. I will become suicidal again and it won’t be pretty.

I will be stuck and feel trapped. It won’t be a good feeling and because I have a bunch of pre-existing conditions, I don’t know if I will get my medication that I need to keep me alive and somewhat functioning. My blood pressure will go up to stroke like conditions. My migraines will come back and between that and the chronic pain that I have, I doubt I will be able to take the pain in my head as well.

The pain in my ankle has returned. Not with a vengeance but as I climbed out of bed for dinner, the sheet irritated my big toe and by the time I went downstairs, the pain came back. I feel like I should just end my life because what is my life worth to the republican party. They want to weed out people like me that is costing the insurance companies millions in doctors visits and medications every year. Hell, just therapy alone cost me $15,000 in insurance. I just don’t feel worthy to live anyway. I am sure I am not the only mental health person in America that feels this way right now. To some congressmen, transgender people are a “disease”. I am sure they will love for me to be wiped out by suicide.

We’ll see how this plays out before I make plans to end my life. I hope the Senate doesn’t let this bill pass or that the lousy VP doesn’t break a tie because we all know which direction it will go. America will be lost, more so than it already is thanks to Cheeto and his cronies.