Tag: psychological pain

feeling depressed and the need for oblivion

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Feeling depressed and the need for oblivion

I was reading some old blogs from late 2015. It’s good to read them because half the time, I forget what I write after I have written. I came across a few blogs about my former therapist and how we were struggling, even then. The blog I read was about a session where her phone wasn’t working and we had to text mid session. She wanted me, even then, to see someone new, face to face. I just felt really down because I have still haven’t found anyone in the last two months. Not that I have been actively searching. In the blog, I wrote that I gave her a number for a center in my town. It will be difficult to get there. I knew the street it was on. Monday I am going to call. I also found another therapist down the road from me. He will be easier to get to than this center but it’s worth a shot.

I am feeling hopeless because I am in pain and it’s both psychological and physical. My ankle pain started around 1500 and is still going strong, despite taking my strong pain meds. Then I read this blog and it activated my psychache because I am missing my therapist. I feel like she has done me wrong yet she really hasn’t. I just became too much for her to handle. I probably will do the same to my psychiatrist one day, even though we have been seeing each other for a greater length of time.

I just feel so horrible and that I am never going to get on top of this pain that I feel, physically. Meds are failing me because I am so used to them now that they aren’t touching my pain. And because I have a new doctor, I don’t think he trusts me to go on a longer acting pain med or go up on my current meds. Each prescription that he writes has my psych diagnoses are on the script. I find this stigmatizing because I am not on pain medication because of my mental illness. I had mental illness long before I had chronic pain.

I am having a hard time managing things right now. I am thinking of ending things but I can’t really go through with it. I just don’t have the time, least today, to take a bottle of pills. My heart is aching me deep inside. It is panging with the loss of my therapist of sixteen years. I want to end my suffering. I don’t have a noose or a firearm to end things quickly.

I have been suicidal most of my life. I know one day I will end my life by my own hand. Warmer weather is coming. Maybe I will go through with the plan to end things at my sacred place. I will drag my leg if I have to get there. Or maybe take a cab. I don’t know. I am in pain and suicide always enter my mind when it reaches a certain level and dealing with psychache doesn’t help the suicidality. I need rest from pain. I need cessation. I need oblivion. I need to die.

Saturday Blog 77

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Apparently, I wrote a blog early this morning. I vaguely remember writing it. I have been so out of it lately that it’s hard to remember things. I made my coffee and read my book for most of the day. I didn’t think a Kay Redfield Jamison book could annoy me but this one has. I hate it when authors go back and forth between date and years. That is my biggest pet peeve. She does it in this book and it really has me confused. I hope the whole book isn’t like this. It will drive me crazy.

I ordered Chinese for dinner. I had to order from a different place than last time because my mother didn’t like it. Then she complained about this place’s food. UGH. I can’t win with her. Eating the food has made me sleepy. I hope to catch a nap, if my ankle pain goes down a few notches. It crept up really bad around the time that I had to take my next dose of pain meds. I am hoping it will settle down soon. I really don’t want to break out the strong pain pill this early. I have been taking it nearly every day all week, at different times because the pain has been so damn bad. I am going to need a refill on it. If the doc asks me why, I will tell him the pain has been bad and I have been using it more because the regular pain meds just aren’t touching the severe pain I have been experiencing. I told him this the last time I saw him and I didn’t get a response.

I was able to finally shower today. I even brushed my teeth. I have been doing better with brushing but there are some days I forget or just don’t feel like it. I have to be better about it because I don’t want another cavity.

My chest feel heavy. And I don’t think it’s a physical problem. I just feel weighed down with stuff. I still haven’t done much promoting for my book. I haven’t found a therapist. My psychiatrist hasn’t responded to the emails I sent her. The voices are getting riled up because they can. I have been better with the trilafon but sometimes the voices like to break through, especially when I am anxious or nervous about something. Lately it has been around my pain because it causes my anxiety/PTSD to go up. Plus this has been an anniversary week, which I am glad is over with.

The hit I took from my mother mocking me yesterday is still there. One of these days, I am going to snap back at her. I imagined having a conversation with her about being transgender but all the kept going through my head was her saying she doesn’t believe me and that I am not a boy. That will just about kill me to hear it out loud. I don’t think I would be able to handle it, not without a therapist in place. I know I could call my psychiatrist but my psych still thinks I am a girl, too. She hasn’t out right said it but I can tell when I bring it up she isn’t totally comfortable with it. And she still calls me my birth name when she calls me on the phone. It’s hard to get away from. I keep saying I will legally change it but the way things are right now, I don’t think it will be wise. I would rather die than go through some discriminatory process or worse. Plus with my paranoia surrounding it, I am terrified of being on some database to be locked up some where one day. Just makes me really suicidal.

I never made it to the post office today. It was very cold and icy this morning. I didn’t want to risk walking there and twisting my ankle. That would not be good. I’ll go Monday as that is the day before the next storm hits. Maybe I will even venture out to Starbucks and get my espresso drink. Hard to believe I have been in the house all damn week. I know I am going to be sore as hell once I start walking again.

I have been thinking of taking some baclofen in the morning. Trouble is that within a few hours, I get sleepy and dizzy from it and need to lie down. I think I might take half a pill and see if I can adjust. Maybe it will help the pain because the spasms that I feel aren’t doing me much good and I can’t keep taking Ativan all the time. My psych would flip if she knew how much I had been taking most of the week. I haven’t been overdosing or anything but one day, I was taking it like every 6 hours. I only know this because I would take it with my pain meds, not the strong one, the regular ones. I just wanted to sleep that day and was taking anything that would do the job. Pain has been really bad and it’s not helping my mood at all.

What if

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

What if

What if I were to say that I was suicidal? Would you be aghast, fearful, judgmental, concerned? Would you try and help me sort through what ever was going through my mind? Or would you tell me things like snap out of it, keep your chin up, things get better, least you don’t have cancer, or the many rhetorics that are said to keep mental illness at bay because it’s too shameful to see in another person. Would you think that I have lost my nut, that I am crazy for thinking such a thing?

These are the things I ponder as I go through my daily chronic pain ritual. It’s not fun and suicidal thinking is a part of my thinking process because I don’t want to live in agony every day. I think those that have suffered from chronic pain every day knows what I am talking about but they may think of suicide in passing because they have loved ones they think about and how the deed will affect them. Or they may have an animal that they don’t want to suffer because of their loss.

Suicide is not something to be ashamed of or to be scared of. Everyone has at one time thought of ending their life for one reason or another. Some may have even gone ahead and planned or attempted it.

I bring this up not to bring worry to my friends and family, but for you to think about it the next time you post the “someone is always listening” post with the suicide hotline number. These post mean an awful lot to me because they would not be posted even five years ago. For those thinking about suicide, you are not crazy and you are not alone. There is help out there. All you need to do is reach out to find that sympathetic ear. If you to get the stupid rhetoric, seek someone else’s ear. Keep reaching out until you find someone who cares.

grumpy mood and irritable

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Grumpy mood and irritable

I woke up late and barely had time to catch the bus for my psych appointment. I was not happy that I slept so late. That started my day off to a bad start. Then after I finished putting my brace on, I realized I forgot my jacket in my office. I had to go up the stairs to get it. While going down the stairs to leave the house, my ankle freaks out. That put me in a better mood. NOT. I took a pain pill before leaving my room so I couldn’t take another pill until later.

I was hoping to get coffee before my appointment. Everything annoyed me today. There were four fucking strollers on the bus. Two Arabic women speaking their language, one at one end of the bus, the other at the other end. I just wanted them to shut the fuck up. There was no reason for them to be shouting. Whatever it is, it could wait till they were off the damn bus. Then one of the kids started crying. I just wanted off the damned bus. I got my coffee and my favorite person at Starbucks didn’t charge me for my espresso. I was happy. It was the only good thing that happened today.

I met with my psych. She was concerned about me, not like I haven’t given her reason to be. I told her my plan was off the table unless I found another lethal method. She wanted to discuss things if I did find one. I said ok. We talked about the new therapist that I could be seeing. I will call her on Monday to see how it goes. I hope she is taking new clients. I will be really sad if she isn’t taking them. Then we talked about my therapist that I will be ending soon. I told her I was putting an end to it as my therapist won’t. And I won’t have the stupid termination sessions that she wants. That just makes it harder. Fuck her anyways for not setting up a therapist for me before she decided to make things monthly. I am still pissed off at her for doing this so now Wednesday will be our final session, I don’t fucking care. She is not talking me into another one no matter how much she begs.

My psychiatrist wants to see me next week. I told her I would probably go into the hospital the following Monday. I just feel so defeated that I can’t kill myself. I am such an idiot. We talked about books that I have been reading. I might take a Neil Gaiman book in the hospital with me. I still have a bag that is packed. Now I just have to have some excuse for my family when I go in.

My ankle is really sore and I don’t think my regular pain meds are going to work. I might have to take the strong pain pill. I wanted to shower today but it’s not in the cards. I also wanted to take my nieces out for dinner Sunday. Those plans are tentative right now. Course, the way I feel right now, I just want to nix the whole idea and make it some other time. I really don’t want to be away from my bed with my ankle hurting me the way it is right now. I am in a terrible mood and really just want to fucking die. Sometimes I wish just by wishing it, it could come true. Takes the whole suicide thing to a new level.

I really am tired of being in pain all the fucking time. Being in this much pain this early in the day is not a good thing. I am basically stuck on my bed. I hope I don’t have to use the bathroom because that will just increase my pain as I need to go up and down stairs. I really hate what my life has become. Maybe if I save enough money I can hire someone to kill me.