Tag: psychology

validation and connectedness

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

val·i·date

/ˈvæl ɪˌdeɪt/ Show Spelled [val-i-deyt] Show IPA

verb (used with object), val·i·dat·ed, val·i·dat·ing.

1. to make valid; substantiate; confirm: Time validated our suspicions.

2.to give legal force to; legalize.

3.to give official sanction, confirmation, or approval to, as elected officials, election procedures, documents, etc.: to validate a passport.   

Taken from dictionary.com

 

This is the long version of what it means to be validated. That is what every suicidal person wants. To have that understanding and human connectedness of being validated, that they are not crazy or being patronized but what they are feeling. Without this essential human feeling, we feel we are being criticized and judged no matter how much sympathy or empathy is shown.

I recently posted a couple of vents about mental illness on my blog. I was looking for validation in what I was saying. And someone, a good friend of mine, gave me that, because she feels the same way I do about how damned the mentally ill can feel. To be validated in this sense is that she understood where I was coming from. She didn’t horseshit around the topic to try and make me feel better. She went on her own tyrant of feelings about the subject and that made me feel better.

But the best comment I got today was from a fellow blogger who thanked me for continuing to live because it gave him or her hope to do the same. That is why I write this blog. That is why I try to make this blog as painful as I feel it because I know someone out there is going to read it and feel the same way. And in that sense, he or she will hopefully feel connected to the world and want to stay in it long enough to do whatever.

another Vent

by Midnight Demon, posted in mental illness, mood disorders, psychache, suicide

My cousin wrote on FB that there should be better “laws” for commitment of mentally ill than gun control. How pathetic. People who are suicidal can’t get the help they need and so turn to a gun for help. They don’t hurt anyone but themselves, yet she wants better commitment laws. There are more suicide in this country and it goes up every year. And she wants better commitment laws.

I wrote a rant about it. Ending sentence that I would commit suicide.  I couldn’t help it. I got caught up in the moment. How is it that I can eat, live, and breathe suicide yet I am not cured of it. How is it that I read and can quote but yet not stop myself from committing it.

I have a busy week. Meetings with doctors that are supposed to give me the help I need. Yet I don’t receive it. I’m still depressed and suicidal. There is no help for me. I just have to live because society wants me to. I am a follower of what is right and suicide is wrong. But why is it wrong? Why is taking my life wrong? I am not hurting anyone but myself, not physically anyway. I’m not threatening thousands of lives. Just one, my own. What makes my life more valuable than another’s. Do people not see that mental illness takes many forms other than violent ones?

I just posted this paragraph as my Facebook status and got 7 likes, no comments. I wanted to put the whole paragraph about my cousin but I did not want to alarm my sisters with “I’m going to kill myself”. I have many friends and family on Facebook and I bet the ones from the UK are going to be the first to respond, if they do at all.

Mental illness doesn’t always have to be violent. It can be silent and nonviolent like I am. They say that most people employers watch social media now. I don’t care. If I don’t work again because of my mental illness. It won’t be the end of the world for me. I’ll be in private practice anyways.

I got 1 like. We’ll see what else happens if anyone actually gives a shit about me.

Pdoc’s visit will be the same. Too bad I didn’t get her chocolate. I do have to get my MRI report for Hedges on Thursday. I have to be at MGH very early. Going to suck. I just hope I am awake enough to be coherent.

No one has responded yet. I just have a few likes. I guess that is better than nothing.

Just pisses me off that people who obviously don’t understand what mental illness thinks they know what to do with the “problem”. It’s not going away. I’m resistant to treatment but others are not. Why am I still alive while others are dead. I have many risk factors yet I’m alive. I should be fucking dead but I’m not. So why do people pretend to be educated about mental illness yet can’t do anything for them. Feeling pretty hopeless right now. Even if I did see my pdoc she probably would commit me. My therapist would want more sessions. My PCP would just want a promise for me to call him if I got suicidal. How does that keep me alive???? There is no magic drug that I can take to keep me alive. There is no magic talk-therapy. So what am I left with? You might as well give me a loaded gun so I can end this misery. Give me 100 seconals to die with dignity. That is what I want. Pain is up so I am going to stop here. Back is cramping all of a sudden.

just a blog 2

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain, depression, mental disorders, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Today I got a Christmas letter from a good friend of mine. He sends out a Christmas letter every year since I have known him, going on fifteen years now. He is old fashioned and types his letter on a typewriter. For those not familiar with one, it was an old keyboard with ribbons that transfers what you write on a scroll type mechanism. If you watch episodes of M*A*S*H, Radar is always typing on one for his daily reports.

I will not be sending out Christmas cards this year. I thought about it and I certainly have the time to do so, I just don’t have the energy. This is the first holiday season where I am out of work. I thought about sending out a Christmas letter with an update about what I have been doing and that I am no longer working, that I am on disability from work, and that I am a writer or at least working on my writing through a blog and other professional work. I am not getting paid for any of it but they don’t need to know that. Since not being able to work, I have found that my writing is my solace. It is the one place I can be free at and be at least content with it. Don’t get me wrong, I still have my severe bouts of depression, my suicidality that peaks whenever a flare up occurs, and being suicidal in general. Just because writing makes me content doesn’t mean that my illness has been cured. Far from it as my psychiatrist and therapist can attest.

Last night I had one of my flare up that lasted until almost four in the morning. I was not a happy camper. I couldn’t sleep because my foot exploded in pain. I wrote to my psychiatrist at two thirty in the morning, telling her exactly what is going on. The police has not shown up at my door so I am guessing she is ok with what I wrote. I was venting because I needed to and I wanted to let her know what goes through my mind during these awful episodes.

Last night I also emailed a psychologist but for a different reason. I wrote to him thanking him for coming up with his pain scale and the reasons why I use it and how effective I have found it. I have not heard back from him as of yet. Maybe I won’t. Or maybe he is just too busy right now to answer something from someone he doesn’t know. Or maybe he saw the email and thought it was junk and deleted it.

I had a busy night writing last night. My hand was still sore for typing so I used a pen to write down most of my thoughts. My journal entry has at least three pages of writing. Write, write, write. Seems like that is all I did last night. I couldn’t read because I just didn’t have the mindset to do so. I just didn’t have the concentration necessary for it. I was too much in pain and in restless spirits to lay down and read. I really need to catch up on my Hamilton book. This is a 600 page book and I am only in the one hundreds. I have been updating my Goodreads website about my progress which I haven’t done in quite some time. It is an interesting book and keeps my attention. It is just very, very wordy.

South Station

by Midnight Demon, posted in suicide attempt

This subway station always gives me a hard time. It is the Penn Station of Boston. I always take the wrong escalator to get to where I need to go. I rely on public transportation to get around as I don’t have a car. Today someone had their butt in my face as I was sitting on the train. Boston has the rudest people. I am, fortunately, not one of them. I tend to always give to the Spare Change people. They are legitimate homeless people who collect a buck or two for their newspaper. It is a legitimate way for the homeless to collect money without panhandling.
Tonight I am going to Stoughton (south of Boston) for dinner with some good friends. I really don’t feel like venturing out in this cold and rainy day but it is a chance to get out of the house so I can’t complain. I am feeling kind of weak for some reason but it is probably because I have not left the house since Saturday and the fact that my sleeping is still messed up.

I tried to get out of my therapy appt tomorrow but my therapist nixed it. I hate it when she does. I recently saw an episode of CSI NY that had a patient go after his therapists other patients so that he could prove his love for her and she could feel the pain that she caused him when she tried to transfer him to another male therapist. He had developed feelings of love for her and I figured that seemed like a good way to get out of my therapist relationship without having to deal with the countertransference/transference piece but it didn’t hold any water. My therapist knows the feelings I have for her and I know the feelings she has for me. I could say we are a match made in heaven but it is strictly on a professional level and nothing more. I am in love with her, though nothing on an intimate plane. It is a very curious relationship we have. We both have feelings for one another yet we know nothing can really become of it. It is a safe relationship.

It is supposed to snow this week in Boston. I hope that my pain levels don’t skyrocket. I never know how the cold is going to affect me. Sometimes it doesn’t and sometimes I am paralyzed by it. It really sucks when I am paralyzed by pain. I can’t do anything but stay in bed and relax.

My new glasses are still causing me problems but I think it is starting to be a medical thing as my vision has been blurry for no reason and will cut out more so without the glasses than with. I have not had any migraines so it not because of that. I will be contacting my PCP soon, probably tomorrow to try and make an appt to try and figure it out. I hate it when things like this happen to me.

Addmendum: on my way home I almost lost my wallet and had panic that I think caused a mini heart attack you get when all is lost. I had put the wallet in a pocket I never use, in this case my back pocket. I kept on checking my front pockets because why would I check the back? I can be an idiot sometimes…