Tag: psychosis

Therapist’s choice or fear?

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Therapist’s choice or fear?

My therapist of sixteen years had decided sometime while on our three week break that she couldn’t work with me anymore for what reasons are still not quite clear. We had been arguing over various things the last several months, including my suicidality and it was becoming apparent that she refused to seek the given evidence based practices I was telling her about to deal with my suicidality. I was becoming more and more frustrated and wrote a blog about it that “opened her eyes”. Our engagement ended in February of this year. I was gutted. I had no choice but to end things with her if she had no idea how to work with me any more. So the hunt for a new therapist began, once I could manage it.

It is very difficult to find someone willing to work with a high risk suicidal patient, such as myself. When my therapist moved to her office thirty miles away and I had no means of getting there, I called ten therapists in a five mile radius of my house. I kept getting the run around. I couldn’t be seen by them because I was high risk and so they referred me to someone else. That someone else then referred me to someone else. I became distraught and just stayed with my therapist event though it meant more phone sessions and text messages.

Now I had the same problem, except I had no back up. There was no one. I had asked some therapist friends on Twitter in my area if they knew anyone seeking new clients. One responded and gave me a name. That therapist never returned my calls. After three weeks (one call a week), I gave up and moved to therapist number two. Same deal. It took me until April to find someone that a) took my insurance and b) wasn’t afraid of suicide. I’ve been seeing this guy for about three months now and it is getting obvious to me that we just aren’t clicking. You need a certain chemistry to work with someone is this guy is lacking. I thought I could work with him but he is my back up right now. I am looking for someone else.

The day that I had my first meeting with him back in April, two therapists returned my phone calls. One had taken three weeks to call me back so I was not in a rush to call her back even though her qualifications seemed like it would match what I was looking for. The other organization I didn’t know too much about but knew they offered CBT, a therapy modality known to work with some people but didn’t for me. I kindly told them I was not looking at this time but if that changed (I hadn’t met the guy yet so it could be possible not to work out), I’d be in touch.

So when I was hospitalized a few weeks ago and my current therapist told the social worker that I was there because of “family conflict” instead of a psychotic episode that happened that weekend, I got pissed off and realized I wasn’t going to waste 16 years with this guy to know it was wrong. I called the other therapist and she never called me back. Then I got in touch with the organization. I had a phone interview with them last week. He first went over my insurance as he didn’t take one of them. OK, but he took the other so I was okay with that. Then we talked about clinical stuff. He asked when was the last time I was hospitalized and I truthfully told him a few weeks ago. He ended the conversation saying his group would be unable to help me as I needed “intensive outpatient” treatment after a hospitalization. He basically said I was “too sick” to work with one of his therapists.

I was floored this happens in 2017. I have been studying suicidology since 2007, reading countless articles about how clinicians, particularly psychiatrists, are more prone to have a suicide during their career than any other profession. Psychologists are second to that. Yet despite the advancements in evidence based practices (EBP), there is still the fear of losing someone to suicide. I can’t make that go away and if I ever become a therapist, I too will have that fear. But there are measures you can take to decrease that risk in the high risk client, if there is a willingness to work with one. That opportunity is lost if you slam the door like countless therapists have done to me. Suicide is inherent in any psychotherapy, regardless of risk factors. It can “appear out of the blue” or not noticed until an attempt is made or a death occurs. The suicide rate keeps climbing. And one of these days, I will become part of that yearly statistic.

I look for help and get denied because of my risk factors, which are history of previous attempts, history of abuse, history of hospitalizations, and history of self harm. These factors I deem “high risk” can also be viewed as severe mental illness or “being too sick”. It was the director of the organization’s choice not to take me on as a client. Pissed me off but his choice regardless. But was it also his fear that I would take on a certain liability because I was chronically suicidal and mentally ill? I will never know but my gut says fear altered his choice. I understand that therapist want to have the kind of practice where things go smoothly and stuff like suicide is dusted under the rug. Suicide is a dirty word. I get that. I have lived it since I was eight, when I first thought of ending my life. No one wants to touch it with a ten foot pole. But excluding these people from these practices, what the hell did you enter the field for?? I have to wonder.

The therapist I work with now doesn’t follow a lick of EBP. I still don’t know what kind of therapist he is. Frankly, he just lets me ramble for 45 mins then it’s see you next week. He has explained what he does but he has yet to actually do it, which is why I want to see someone else, if I can find that person. I live in the hub of academia where there are thousands of therapists. The biggest problem I come across, other than their fear of suicide, is not taking new clients. OK. I get it but can you refer me to someone who IS taking them? No answer or try Susie Q who isn’t within my area of accessibility.

Anyways, these are my thoughts on the matter. Getting screwed by those that are supposed to help mental health patients but don’t want to deal with mental health patients that fit a certain criteria. I think that sums it up nicely.

ramblings 321

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Ramblings 321

I didn’t go to sleep till around 4 am and then woke up every two hours. I gave up around 8 and stayed up for a little while and then took a nap until around 1. I was so tired. The therapist that I was looking forward to seeing was a bust. I was “too sick” for the organization. I am bullshit. Just another drop to my self-esteem about how the mental health field thinks it’s all rosey and no one needs to be suicidal or have psychosis or hospitalizations. What a joke.

I emailed my psych with the news. I see her Friday. I told her I guess I am stuck with my dipshit therapist for now. I am too exhausted to search for new therapists. He is on vacation next week so I have another break from him. I might email him with something sarcastic about how I felt about yesterday’s session. I am still processing it.

Last night I asked my brother in law about ceiling fans as I think the one in my room is on its way out. Over the weekend, it started making noises. I have been using it non stop all summer as it helps circulate the AC air. I have it on its lowest setting right now. He said he will look at it today to see what the problem is. I hope I don’t have to get a new one. I have a low ceiling so I need one that is similar to the one I have. I was looking at Amazon and they actually have someone to install it for you. Score. I think I found one that would be good. I want one light not multiple like my current one. I really just use two lights of the four anyways because otherwise, the room is way too bright. I mostly use my desk lamp anyways.

I am feeling pretty crappy, both physically and mentally. My ankle and mouth are still giving me grief. I had a tuna sandwich for lunch and it hurt to chew. Mentally I am just exhausted from all the chronic pain that I have been feeling. I just want to give up. I just muddle through the day and am always exhausted. My mother is making zucchini for supper. She is baking it rather than frying it. It’s my favorite squash in the summer and I don’t even care to eat it. I’m just really bummed that I was turned down to that therapy organization because of the severity of my mental illness.

A fellow blogger was telling me about how she had published her book, free, through a website called Lulu.com. She said in the blog that they would distribute the book through Amazon and Barnes and Noble. Seeing as my second book isn’t selling, I decided to have it on this site. http://www.lulu.com/shop/g-collerone/darkness-always-wins-short-stories-about-mental-illness/paperback/product-23287461.html
The process was way more easier than Amazon’s CreateSpace process. Maybe because I had already done the formatting and things it was easier, I don’t know. I just know that I clicked on this, uploaded, wrote a few things, and boom, published. They are selling my book at a lower rate than Amazon and the royalty is not the same. I get less than three bucks per book sold. But if it helps people get my book out there, I am for it.

I went to Walgreens as I had to pick up my prescription. My brother in law was leaving the house at the same time and offered me a ride. Given my ankle has been hurting me all day, I took it. I didn’t want to aggravate it and be in more pain. He had a few other errands so I went along. I didn’t leave the vehicle except for Walgreens. I had left my wallet at home so I couldn’t get anything even if I wanted it. Even though I didn’t walk around or anything, I am still tired. I just want to nap but yesterday I did that and then I was up all fricken night. I just couldn’t sleep. I was so tired but just couldn’t sleep. Every time I laid down, my ankle/foot went berserk on me.

My brother in law came up a little while ago. He said the blades of the ceiling fan are loose. He needs to take the thing apart to tighten it up. Tomorrow. So maybe I don’t need to get a new ceiling fan after all. One less expense.

very tired, weepy, depressing day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Very tired, weepy, depressing day

I woke up around 4 in pain. My jaw hurt and my ankle was berserk. I took some more ibuprofen and pain meds. Luckily, I went back to sleep. My alarm went off and I didn’t want to get up. I thought I had snoozed it but I didn’t. My new phone has a lit up screen with the day and time and any notifications. I glared over and saw it was almost 0930. I had to get up, brush my teeth and wash my face. Then I put on deodorant as it was going to be hot today. I then got dressed and was really feeling frustrated that again I got no help when I seeked it.

I had emailed my PCP last night before bed to tell him I was in the ER. I got a response asking if I wanted to be seen and if I did I should call the office. I didn’t feel like being examined again, so I told them I pass and my pain levels were “normal”, whatever that is. I didn’t get a response back so I hope they go away.

I had my espresso and a steak and egg wrap that I like. Unfortunately, chewing was difficult. And it hurt. I tried to eat on my left side but it was hard. It was the only thing I had to eat all day. I bought a scone but I couldn’t bring myself to eat it. I saved it for tomorrow. Before I knew it, it was time to see my psych. The train was late. I just made it to my appointment. My psych was getting worried as I am always early. I explained the train was late and so therefore I was. We talked about the ER and she read me the notes. She jokingly said I was aggravated because my BP was up. HAHA. I wasn’t lying about that! The notes said I had diminished sensation on my foot in various parts and decreased range of motion. Tell me something I don’t know. She reassured me that I wasn’t having a recurrence of CES. She said it so sternly that it kind of freaked me out and then I became weepy and annoyed. I started to cry a little. I was really depressed and just wanted my pillow. When I said that she asked if I wanted pills. HAHA no, just my pillow will be fine. We have an appointment next week as then she is on vacation for three weeks. She stressed that someone else would be answering her pager while she was away. I told her I would just email her. Unless I was in dire straights, I don’t think I will page her covering doc.

I left and fell asleep on the train so I missed my stop. Sucks because I missed the bus as well so I had to wait an hour for the next one. I just tried to snooze as I listened to Bon Jovi. I was still weepy and felt relieved I didn’t have CES again. I think that is why I was so tearful. But still, if someone looked at me the wrong way, I was bound to cry, that’s how sensitive I was today.

I came home and my mother said I looked exhausted. I told her I was. I told her I didn’t want anything to eat. She made me a plate and then called three times. I told her my jaw was still hurting and I just needed something soft. I opted to drink an Ensure rather than make boiled eggs. I am hungry but I just don’t feel like aggravating my teeth right now.

I did a dumb thing. Last night I put in a refill for my Zoloft. It was an older prescription but I didn’t see the newer one. In my “history” the refill wasn’t there. That was because there were no more refills and I had just had it filled on Monday. I am a dum dum. I put away the meds that I recently got.

I took 2400 mg of Neurontin to try and sleep. Unfortunately, my neighborhood had other plans. There were sounds of hammering and other construction noises. Every time I tried to relax to sleep, some noise woke me up. I was so annoyed. I eventually fell asleep. Now I am feeling groggy and foggy. I took my night time meds plus my pain meds and ibuprofen. I think ibuprofen and I are going to be friends for a while. The dentist was concerned because the novacaine numbed the right side of my nose. He called me this morning to see how I was. I called back when I shuffled around trying to wake up. I told him I was fine, sore but fine. I was kind of nervous though because while I was eating my wrap, I felt like sand was in my mouth. I hope a filling didn’t come out. I was too tired to go back to the office to get checked out. I will be back in two weeks for another filling so I will have him check it then, unless it hurts really bad or something.

I talked to my psych about my therapist and the coordinator for the pain group. I told her I am still looking for another therapist but haven’t had any luck yet. I jokingly said I must be on some kind of blacklist. HAHA. She said no. She did find it odd that no one called me back. I hope to hear from them within a week or so. Otherwise, I will try another place. Until then I will continue to see the nail picker. I am going to try and ask him if he is mocking me or just throwing things out there to show he is listening but not offer any advice to help me. I really don’t feel a connection to him. He is just there for me to ramble but that is not what I want. I want someone that is caring and is willing to help me find new ways in dealing with my problems. I thought that was what therapy was all about, not just rambling on about shit.

I kind of got suicidal when I got home. It was just passing thoughts but I just wished I was dead. I feel nothing inside that makes me feel alive. I am in so much physical pain all the time, it’s just draining the life from me. Like is this how I am supposed to live the rest of my life?? I know suffering is part of life but must it happen on a daily basis? I cried when I was in my room as I thought about this stuff. I couldn’t help it. I hate feeling miserable. I rather feel nothing or depressed. I am just tired of fighting all the time. I don’t get a break from it. It’s going to kill me eventually. I will be another Chester Bennington, but a no name.

Psych appt and other things on a muggy Friday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Psych appt and other things on a muggy Friday

When I left the house this morning, outside was cooler than the house. It was kind of refreshing. But that quickly changed when I got out of my psych appt. The appt went well. I talked about the week in the hospital and how they really didn’t know how to help me. They pretty much just prevented me from acting on my suicidal urges due to pain flare up that I had all week. I also told her how I felt about Chester Bennington’s death (lead singer for Linkin Park). It just sort of knocked me out of my suicidal depression because of how real it is. She told me she contacted the coordinator for the pain group and that she should be calling me as she gave her my contact information. I haven’t heard from her or the therapy place yet. I needed a refill so she sent it. Walgreens hasn’t filled it yet so either they’re busy or they haven’t gotten to it yet. Sometimes the electronic orders take a while to be processed. If I don’t see it tonight or tomorrow, I will get back to my psych as she probably sent it to cyberland. I am to report back to her about therapy and the pain group, or anything else she can demand from me, LOL. I told her I was planning on legally changing my name in the upcoming weeks as I will be getting paid next week. I will pay all my bills and whatever is left over I will save or have enough for it. I am not sure. I don’t know how I ended up with three credit cards so those are bills that I need to pay before I can get my name changed. It’s cash, I think or check. I don’t remember what the courthouse takes. I need to look it up.

When I got to the Square, I went to Chipotle for dinner as my mother said she was going to my aunt’s house and wouldn’t be home later. Fine with me. I waited for the bus and was sweating on the walk home. The house was really bad. I ate and then took a shower. Then my ankle crapped out on me. I took my pain meds as I was due and have been chatting with some friends on Twitter and text. I also texted my sister that we are three weekends away from a booze cruise I bought tickets for. I am so excited. It will be a cruise around Boston Harbor at night. I love being on a boat. I don’t really drink but I do plan on having one or two drinks at least. I definitely want a mojito and it’s for autism so it’s for a good cause. One drink will give me a buzz. I don’t drink beer. I already had my one beer a year a few weeks ago. I usually have a Sam Adams summer ale. It’s the only one that I like.

Other than resting this weekend, I don’t have any other plans. I really want to watch a movie so maybe I will to pass time. I bought a bunch from Amazon that I still have seen. On Facebook, I saw someone post that there will be new Harry Potter books in Oct. I don’t know if it’s true or not so I tweeted JK Rowling and the Harry Potter World UK. They would know if it is. It will be so cool. I love Harry Potter. Today marks the anniversary of Deathly Hallows being released ten years ago. Hard to believe it’s been that long ago. Makes me want to re-read it again. It’s by far one of my favorite books in the series. I had bought the set of paperbacks two years ago. It was fun reading them again. It never gets old. I don’t like the movies very much because they deleted scenes from the books and Peeves is not seen in any of the movies. He is a troublemaker ghost in the books.

I had my espresso but now I feel like making an iced coffee. I got an email from Starbucks Store and found that the Hawaiian coffee that I love is back. I ordered it even though it was really expensive for 8.8 ounces. I like it iced so now that I know how to make it, I am going to run out of it very quickly. I might get it tomorrow if I feel like going out as I saw they had it in the store. I am glad I can get coffee in addition to espresso. One of my cousins posted today that she is giving up coffee and I am floored. I didn’t see why she is doing it but I don’t think I can do that, ever. I love it too much. I had my chocolate fix today as when I got to my psych’s office, I went to the gift shop. To my surprise, they had Godiva dark chocolate bar. I haven’t seen it in a long time so I bought it. It was good. I miss having a Godiva store at the mall. They have Lindt Chocolate store, which is good and as expensive. Beats Hershey’s that’s for sure!