Tag: PTSD

anxiety and buses don’t mix

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression

I had therapy today. Seems there isn’t a day when I don’t have therapy. I asked my therapist if she thought I should be in the hospital but seeing as I haven’t had a split episode in the last few days, there might not be a need. I don’t know what else we talked about. Seem to cover the whole weekend and what my pdoc said about the splits. I hope that I don’t become Mr. Hyde again. Those bouts are really painful emotionally to go through. I still have the letter to Jobes. I am debating sending it to him but deleting the part where I tell him I am ending my life. Right now I am not feeling it. I hate when I feel it and then I don’t. These suicidal feeling really don’t last too long but I still am wondering if I am letting myself down by continuing to live. I had a pain flare up after I changed my bedding and after I took a shower today. I just feel like my life would be better off if I were dead. But I have my writing and people in my life that need me. Not to mention my readers on my blog.

I just passed the 10,000 mark for viewership. Ten thousand people read my blog. I feel so honored. When I woke up this morning I got the last 7 views to make 10k. Turns out there was someone in Turkey that read my blog and I thank that person.

I am still feeling down. I have a new project that I am working on. I am going to write another paper about CES, Cauda Equina Syndrome. I have the idea for it where it answers people’s questions about recovery and such. I wish my CES 101 paper got some hits when they view it and I am not sure why it doesn’t get a hit. But then I read it and found that it has no intro so I will work on that later today.

I had an anxiety attack today while on the bus. I took the 15:13 bus, which I have avoided to take because of a certain mentally disabled passenger that annoys me. Today was wicked muggy and I didn’t feel like waiting for the next bus at 15:42 so caught the earlier bus. I wish I didn’t. When we got to Magoun Square, a bus load of kids got on. I don’t know which one of us flipped out first, the mentally challenged guy or me. Well not really flipped, but panicked. Then a lady with a two year old in a stroller got on and blocked the entrance way. That is when I had to get off the bus. I was having such anxiety it wasn’t funny. I haven’t had anxiety like that in such a long time. I had to stand near the rear exit and prayed the bus driver didn’t miss my stop like he has in the past. I will never take that time bus again. I just can’t stand the anxiety this guy makes me feel. I have seen him flip out and with my PTSD, I just get really nervous. I have been in situations while inpatient where you can see guys like him flip out because you invade their personal space or just walk by him and accidently touch him. It was one of those situations. And today he looked like he was out of sorts already. It just makes me really uncomfortable. I still am shaking just writing about it.

memories of the past

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, CES, Chronic pain, depression, mood disorders, physical pain, writing

It’s the beginning of February. January is now a thing of the past. It was a tough month to get through. I still am hormonal and don’t like it one bit. I never cry unless there is a good reason but lately everything makes me weepy.

February is not a month I enjoy either. It is an anniversary month of my CES, Cauda Equina Syndrome. I got it 12 years ago when I was twenty-five and it has messed up my life since then. (for story see https://midnightdemon.com/2012/12/21/my-ces-story/) I have made progress with it. I can walk without assistance but I need an AFO (ankle foot orthotic) to do so or I pull my muscle in my leg, causing me pain. I can’t stand too long or walk long distances like I used to before CES. And it sucks because I love to walk. Now I’m lucky if I can walk around the corner to Walgreens without feeling fatigued and in pain. I wish I could say that the bowel and bladder aspect is great but they have gotten worse over the years instead of better. I no longer trust farts. I have had too many accidents thinking it was air when in reality it was shit. To many CESers, it’s called Sharts. My bladder leaks when full until it registers that I have to go. I guess me wearing feminine product at this time is a good thing. I don’t have to worry about leaking into my underwear as there is a pad there. I mostly have to worry more when I go out.
The pain of living with CES is horrendous. But since I have been back on my mood stabilizer, the zings, burning, and zaps have been to a minimum. Except my leg pain has been there with it’s own twinges and pain. This is the type of pain that drives me nuts and when it continues longer than twenty-four hours, makes me suicidal. I have a high pain tolerance but after dealing with something painful for more than twenty-four hours it wears you out like the flu. I am on a ton of pain medication from anti-convulsants to gels to narcotics to deal with the pain. This combination seems to be working.
The New England weather also plays its part in driving pain levels through the roof. If the temperature drops or has a high between 20-30 degrees my spine will ache something awful. Yesterday was 50 degrees and today it is supposed to drop to 10 so I know I am going to be feeling it. Right now it’s 30 degrees out but feels like 13. That’s my hometown for you.

I hope this month doesn’t bring the flashbacks of 2001 with it. I really don’t want to go through that again. It was tough the first time around. But you never know with PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) how you are going to react. You might be fine or you might be a basket case. Your nerves might be on edge all day. Luckily I don’t work where this all happened so it might be easier this year. But you would think that after ten years it wouldn’t affect you but it does. Just like in March I always remember the night I fell apart. Sometimes you are just stuck with the images in your head that you just can’t get out. You get sucked back into the past. And it’s an anxiety provoking experience. But I have learned a thing or two about grounding and staying in the present.

I have a week to try and not think about it. A week of not remember what it was like waiting in the ER, talking with the neurosurgeon resident, neurology resident, and neurology fellow about the seriousness of my condition and need for surgery all on being awake for 36 hours of being in pain and agony and no sleep. But when things were at the worst and it was 4 in the morning, I had enough of being nice guy and wanted to speak to my psychiatrist about being “competent” to sign a consent form for surgery. She explained the story that I had CES and needed surgery and not the three idiots that were standing in front of me. I quickly asked if the surgeon was board certified and found out he/she wasn’t so I said find me someone who is or I am not having the surgery. That’s when they called in a pituitary specialist to do my operation. Luckily I was ok but I developed a staph infection two weeks later and needed another surgery to clean it out. Which meant another week in the hospital. I’m getting anxious writing this so I am going to stop here for now. You have the CES story if you want more on what happened after this.

about suicide

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, psychosis, suicide, suicide attempt

I had worked on Ramblings 15 today but have decided not to publish it because it is a rant more than anything. I have not been in a happy mood the past few days. Not that I am a happy person to start with, just that I have not been able to sleep at all the past week. It is driving me crazy. I sleep every few hours. It sucks. Last night I finally was able to get at least 5 hrs straight but I still am not in a good mood. I am not suicidal just crazy with sleep deprivation.

I did part of my Christmas shopping today. Now I am worried that I won’t have money to get my license renewed. I still have to pay off one more citation before I can get it renewed. Stupid laws in my state forbid any parking tickets or citations not being paid before renewal. I have to go into town sometime next week to pay off my last one. It’s not a huge pain in the butt but it kind of is. I am not sure if this place allows money order or cash. Some places don’t allow personal checks because they don’t want to deal with them bouncing.

The Savage God: book that I am reading, slowly, about the history of suicide. I find it very disturbing at times and have to read it in increments. It is a good book, just when you feel suicidal it kind of revs you up while you are reading it because you know exactly what the author is writing about.

Speaking of suicides, I recently read an article ( http://www.mcclatchydc.com/2012/11/27/175710/in-suicide-epidemic-military-wrestles.html ) that a friend of mine posted about how the military is now dealing with the problem. Court Martials and prosecution. Just what the mentally ill needs. I find it abhorrent as the suicide prevention has been set back by 150 years. Just when you think our military has been through enough, they can’t even try and take their own life without consequences. The message is, to me, do it right and die an honorable death. Fail and face prosecution. It is sickening. I don’t think it is going to help the rise of suicides post military service and I don’t think it is going to help those who work in suicide prevention and those that are trying to reach out for help.