Tag: reading

New Blog Look and Therapy

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

New blog look and therapy

I had an unfortunately reaction today while at Starbucks. I bought their new Morning muffin and though, I can’t quite prove it, it has ginger it in. My throat started to get all scratchy about half way through eating it. I went to see the manager to see what the ingredients were. It just listed “spices”. I sent a message to Starbucks on Twitter to see if they could be more specific. The Benadryl I took earlier has worn off and now I am feeling my throat feel scratchy, sore, and I am all congested. This happened the last time I was exposed. Took two days of non-stop Benadryl to settle it. I hope it doesn’t get worse. I told my mother to check on me when she goes to bed and I asked my sister to hear out for a “thump”, in case my mother has a hypoglycemic episode because there will be nothing I can do. Benadryl makes me dopey.

Therapy was good. I told him of my writing and promoting problems. I told him I would like to talk to the independent bookstore that is down the street from him. I told him I can picture myself going in but not being able to speak or if I do speak, they look at me like I am crazy and kick me out of the store. I need a pitch of some sort and I don’t have one. I never done something like this. He said to put something on my blog so I changed the theme and a friend said it looks more professional. I didn’t want flashy pictures or anything. I wish I could link my books but I haven’t been able to figure that out. Plus with me editing my book right now, I don’t want to link the 2nd book yet. My book is published but a friend said there were errors and I had to find them, and found at least 10 in the first chapter. I am so disappointed in myself as I should have caught them. I found at least 2 in the second chapter. So I will have to reload the file once I am done. I am glad the stories are short, lol. Makes for easier reading and editing. I might change things as I go along or add something. I don’t know yet.

I spent most of my time in therapy talking about writing or reading or blogging. I still have the postcards I bought that are just sitting on my bureau. I had wanted to hand them out at train entrance ways but my biggest fear would be someone reading it and then trashing it. I spent a good amount of money on them and though they might end up in the trash, I rather not in front of me or on the ground. I would mail them but not sure where I can mail them to. It is not like I have a huge mailing list or anything. I just feel stuck. I am not a good self-promoter. That is what stinks when you are a self-publisher. I have been thinking of sending them to my DJs at the radio station I listen to. One of them have been looking for Christmas cards. I bought them today so I think I will slip in a postcard. Might not go anywhere but you never know, which only means I need to really work on the editing this book faster than I wanted to. UGH. It is one thing to have an error on my blog but a book? I just don’t think that is okay, especially as that is MY book! LOL I found the thumb drive that has the last edited copy of the book before I uploaded it to Amazon. Now just got to edit, edit, edit! LOL

I just called the pharmacist to make sure that Benadryl and my pain meds didn’t interact. Fucking stupid allergy! I was panicking. Only thing is that I will be more drowsy, which I am. I won’t be editing tonight as I am just too tired. I hope I can get some work in tomorrow. I am not doing anything. I got therapy again on Wed, off Thurs, and then seeing my psych Friday where I will be having my bloodwork checked again. I am not sure if I will have to go to the pedi blood draw place, which I hated, or the adult one. My psych is a child psychiatrist as I started seeing her when I was 17. If I can choose, I prefer the adult one. Much better phlebotomists! I am feeling better so I am sure the sodium is close to normal. I still get tired after I do things but it’s mostly when I go out then come home. Even a trip to the pharmacy up the street from me will tire me out. I am not sure if that is just my chronic pain fatigue or the low sodium tired or both.

I want to make cookies tomorrow but I am not sure I will be able to because I have the editing to be done. I might do it Wed. I bought the chips a while ago but haven’t had a chance to use them. I was going to make beet brownies but I suck at making brownies. I like cookies better! I am the cookie monstah!! Ha ha.

Baking Tuesday

by Midnight Demon, posted in baking, Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Baking Tuesday

I had back pain throughout the night. I just woke up with pain that immobilized me. I couldn’t move so getting something to stop the pain was difficult. I woke twice hurting. I was late in taking my morning meds because I fell back to sleep after I shut off the med alarm. I got up around 11 or maybe a little after, I don’t remember. I went downstairs and my mother was sleeping sitting up. I woke her up to see if she was okay. Her back was hurting her too. I looked at the temp as I was waiting for my pancakes to heat up. Temp had dropped like 20 points in less than 24 hours. Fuck. No wonder. Didn’t matter what the barometric pressure was. Whenever a temp drops or goes higher than 10 points, I hurt. It is like my spine can’t take the change. I was determined to make this cranberry cake, though. I had to stop a few times as I just couldn’t stand. It came out okay, though I used too much butter. My brain was foggy so I couldn’t count tablespoons. I am very upset with myself because I love this cake. It is still good, just buttery. I will give some away to my barber and therapist in the morning.

I have decided I am going to use Uber for my therapy appointment. I am not messing with the bus getting there. I might take one home. I haven’t decided yet. It will depend on how I feel. I just don’t want to leave my house three hours early and not have a fricken hour to write in my journal when I take the bus and it being late. I am so sick of that. I haven’t decided if I am going to let the driver let me off at the Walgreens or Starbucks. Might be Walgreens as they have a little drop off there right at the bus stop whereas the Starbucks doesn’t.

It is supposed to be cold the rest of the week. Yesterday’s high temp was a tease. I took a nap after my baking. I was knocked out but then I didn’t sleep really good last night. I had another hard time going to sleep because of pain. By the time it settled down, it was after 1 am. I got into the book NeverWhere. I think it will be the last Neil Gaiman book I read in a while. I am going to read some more after I write this. I want to see if I can finish it by the end of the week. I don’t think I am going to complete my book challenge. I might have to lower it to like 18 books or something. I want to finish this book and then the suicidal helping book. The suicidal helping book is good but I need to reflect after I finish the chapter. There is just so much information in the short chapter and then I want the references that she puts in there, some of which I have. I am up to Tip number 19 and there are 89 so I have 70 to go. If I can read these two books for this month, I will call that a victory. I don’t think I can finish Trail of Tears as that book is very tough to read. If I can read some more of the White Fragility book, that will be good. It is not a big book, like maybe 200 pages or so. But it is not an easy book because it challenges your perception of racism towards people of color. I also want to start “The hate U Give.” So many books and I just bought two more, the Michelle Obama book and Crimes of Grindewald. I am a Potterhead! I should get Fantastical Beasts and where to find them first. The movies look amazing. I rather read the book though. Grindewald book is a screenplay so it probably is like The Cursed Child. I kind of don’t like that because it just doesn’t seem like a book where there is no description of the background or what someone looks like. I had such difficulty reading the Cursed Child because of that. I do have other books though. There is another John Grisham book, actually, I have like five books. Two hardcover and maybe three Kindle. I swear one of these days, I will get to them. I hope next year I will read more but I say that every year and it never happens. I seem to be lucky to read 14 this year.

depression creeping in slowly

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Depression creeping in slowly

I didn’t want to blog today. I slept most of the day until my stupid mother called me to see where I was. I am 42, not 12. Then I got the why are you sleeping? The answer is the same. Pain kept me up. I couldn’t settle down after the Sox win last night. Then pain hit me and well. Three o’clock came by and I was still up so I tried sleeping and I finally fell asleep until reflux woke me up at 5 am. Oh joy. Burning in my esophagus. I drank some of my Powerade as I couldn’t stand as my thigh was killing me. I think I need to move the Mylanta to my bedside so I don’t have to get up when I have a tummy ache.

I woke up just before my med alarm went off. My friend that I was supposed to meet up with called me. Said if I was in pain, we can reschedule our meeting. I said okay. That meant I could stay in bed, not having to rush to meet up as I was still hurting and wasn’t sure I could make it to the bus stop in time. I was grateful she understood. My support group, OMG. I don’t understand some of the people there. Two people said that cannabis helped them, either vape or oil. I don’t remember. But it wasn’t like I was looking for help sleeping. I was just annoyed my mother woke me the fuck up. Thanks but no thanks. I didn’t respond to their posts because I would have gone off and that wouldn’t have been good.

Then I read a blog Anne Wheaton wrote and my mood just tanked. It was tanking anyway. I’ve been battling a migraine headache since I got up. Sounds have been super loud and annoying. Lights have been really bright even though they are the same lights I have been using for months. I wanted to go back to sleep but I was too annoyed. At least the coffee I had was good. I wanted my pumpkin cake which is going to go to waste in a day or two but I had a pop tart so I didn’t eat it. I keep forgetting it is there. That is what happens when I make something and it has to be refrigerated. It is like it goes into the void and then it goes to waste. I then have to toss it. This is why I like giving it away so it doesn’t go to waste. I will try to have a huge slice tomorrow morning before I head to the Square. I want burgers. I also want to find the pre-cut onions so I can make the chili cornbread casserole. I am craving it for some reason. I want to make the keto pizza but I want the chili thing more. LOL I am so weird. I got to take the burger meat out of the freezer, shit. I will when I go downstairs next, if I remember.

I’ve been depressed the last hour or so. I just feel so worthless and hopeless. I am alone. I live with my mother. I haven’t done anything with my life. I am disabled but everyone thinks I am not because I can fucking walk. Big deal I wear an AFO (ankle foot orthotic). I am still upright. Yesterday while waiting for the bus that was late, there was a lady in a wheelchair. I remember my days when I was in one. Not by choice but because I didn’t have use of my legs. I remember how fucking painful it was to relearn to walk. I still hurt from that, emotionally and physically. I still have nerve pain. I don’t know if the nerve pain is from cauda equina syndrome or CRPS. I just know I hurt. My doc increased the gabapentin to try and stop the dystonia (trembling of the muscles in my foot/ankle) I have been having. So I am even more tired during the day. I just feel like a huge lump in a log that doesn’t go any where. I don’t do anything that makes me happy because it causes me too much pain. I try and do sedentary things but I get too anxious and want to move around. But that causes me pain. Or I get to Starbucks and then have to go home because I am too anxious to stay there to write or read or whatever. I feel like such a loser.

I bought another new book. I bought like three of them in the past three weeks. The one I got today was by the guy that played Hamilton in the musical play, Lin-Manuel Miranda. It is very inspirational. It was of tweets that he collected and put into a book. I love it. It is short and moving. I love that I have it in book form rather than Kindle because he frequently says, “you have it in your hands.” The book has the new book smell. It was printed this year. I really like it and I hope I can finish it. I tried putting it down and it was hard. I kept saying one more page. And then I forced myself to put it down once I found a something to hold the page. I used to have a stack of bookmarkers. Now I have no clue what happened to them all. I just use ripped paper or something.

I am not feeling well. I just want to go to sleep. I took my meds early. I haven’t taken my gaba yet. I take that a couple of hours later as that can really make me sleepy within an hour. I take it will my pain med which I take around 9pm. But seeing as I am taking meds early, I will take it now at 8 pm. I don’t know why I feel so miserable. It is like the black clouds are back. I am trying not to think about how bad I feel but I know it will cover me soon and I won’t be able to break free for a while. Every episode is the same way. I just got to hold on to this thing called hope that it won’t last long. I hate that it is starting around the time that I am starting the pain program. Trying to find motivation to do the home exercises while I am like this is going to be a huge challenge. I don’t now if I can do it without them kicking me out.

Last night, I was trying to pay one of my bills and I thought I could change the date and I put it through. It went through without me changing the date. Fuck. I hope my bank kicks it out or I am going to be in the negative before I get paid. I was already charged a “service fee”, which I have no idea why. I am going to have to call them or go to the bank tomorrow to find out what that is about. It might be that I didn’t have enough debit card transactions for the month. I can’t help it. I only get paid monthly so whatever is paid, gets paid, which doesn’t leave me much to use my card. I’ve been using my credit cards to get things I need. Not a good thing but when you don’t have money in the bank, it comes in handy.

Just realized for not wanting to write a blog, I am on page 3 in word and up to 1281 words. Probably all gibberish. The point of all this is, if you have read this far, is well, I am not sure. I feel depressed. I am trying not to feel suicidal. I see my therapist Monday, the one that likes to pick his nails all session and not really give me anything useful to go by. I really don’t want to see him anymore but I am so drained at trying to find a therapist that takes my history and wants to actually help me. I am now picky in what I am looking for. After 27 years of therapy, I should hope I know what I am looking for, sort of. Is there someone for me, I don’t know. I am tired of let downs. And finding out that the therapy world lost a good therapist really hurts me. I still have no idea how he died. I know it was sudden. He was just three years older than me. I pegged him as a few more years older than that. I feel for his partner and family and his clients. I’ve been fortunate not to deal with a therapist’s sudden death. Just their leaving for various reasons. It makes me feel like I don’t have hope and that I am a hopeless case. Maybe that is what is bringing this depressive episode on. I don’t know but I will end here as I have bored you enough.

Should be a warning for changing sheets when you have chronic pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Should be a warning for changing sheets when you have chronic pain

I literally spent the day changing my bed. I started by washing my fleece Red Sox blanket. It is more of a throw but it covers me well and is nice and cozy. While it was in the washer, I had breakfast, made coffee, and then had lunch. My new washer takes like an hour or more for one load. When it was done, finally, I put it in the dryer and went back to my room.

I took off the rest of my office. I rested for a bit before taking the sheets off. After I took the sheets off, my back was hurting so I rested so more. I thought after a few minutes, it would calm down, but it didn’t. My foot started acting up. I took my breakthrough med. I rested for a bit to let the meds work. I had my sheets ready to go as I have two sets. I put on the fitted sheet and my back again went berserk. This was going to take a while. I could feel that this back was just going to continue to act up.

When it settled down some, I put on the sheet, and blanket. Then I put some of my office on my bed and snapped a pic. I posted it and then rested for a bit. My foot flared again. Nothing was going to help the flare. Even now, hours later, I am still hurting. My mother was making dinner. I wanted something sweet so went downstairs for some ice cream. I wanted cake but we didn’t have any. The dryer was still going with my blanket. I put the sheets in the washer. When I finished with the ice cream, I took the blanket and went back to my room.

I put the blanket on and then snapped another pic to post. A few friends commented that I put it on “wrong” and that I had to put it the other way immediately. I was like whatever. I rested some more, or tried to. I was so damn tired. I wanted a damn nap but I didn’t want to sleep. Then my mother called saying she needed help with dinner. Fuck. Seriously? I went downstairs to see what she needed. My back was ready to divorce me. She wanted me to make the mashed potatoes. I said okay. I love making mashed potatoes. Dinner was pretty much done except for this dish. When I was done, I got the plates and utensils. I served my mother the potatoes and handed her the chicken cutlets she made. I got my plate when my mother said to make a plate for my brother in law. Ok. I grabbed another plate and started making a plate for me and my brother in law. Then she wanted me to bring it downstairs. NOPE. Not happening. My mother took her sugar and it was low. I have no idea if she gave herself insulin or not as I wasn’t paying attention. After she ate, her sugar was still low so I got her some juice. She said half a glass and that is what I got her. She said it was too much juice. Just fucking drink it. Fuck!! I started putting things away as she wasn’t feeling well. Then she went into the TV room.

I put the food away and some things in the sink. Then I went upstairs. I needed to rest. I got to my room and changed the damn blanket before I got in bed. Why, I don’t know. I took a pic and sent it to my friends that said it was “wrong”.

My back and ankle is about to sue me for divorce. I HATE changing sheets with a passion. I do it infrequently because it causes me so much damn pain. I will probably be sore tomorrow. The game is playing now but I don’t care. I have the country radio on and I just feel like listening to that. I can’t believe that it is almost the all star break and I am already starting to lose interest. I think it is more to do with my mood disorder than the sport. The team has been doing fairly well, even though they aren’t playing their best. They had an up and down game last night but pulled out a win. It was a good game but I couldn’t stand to turn on the radio and I was so upset. I was just in too much pain. I was just getting updates via Twitter or facebook.

I took my meds so I think I am going to read some Harry Potter and call it a night. I think I earned it. Just hope my pain doesn’t get worse. That will not be good.