Tag: schizoaffective disorder

New Therapist

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

New Therapist

I woke up early and couldn’t go back to sleep. I made breakfast after my mother left the house so I wouldn’t be bothered with her game playing or the loud TV. I wanted to catch the bus but I just missed it so I decided to go to the post office to mail a thing for a friend. The line was long and it was hot in the little office. The temp was close to 70 degrees outside and it must have been 80 inside. I was dying. By the time I was through, I collected my things and waited for the next bus. It was nice out so I didn’t mind waiting.

I went to Starbucks and got 5 shots espresso. My brain needed it as I had a headache and my brain was foggy. I tried writing in my journal but nothing was really coming to me. I decided to read my book so I read half a chapter before the writing bug hit as what I was reading was making my thoughts go wild. I decided I was going to review this book on my blog so I started writing about each chapter and my thoughts on the matter. When I was stuck, I started back writing in my journal. Before I knew it, it was time to catch the train. I was tapped out of coffee and writing.

I was still kind of early so I waited at the train station for a bit and let a few trains go by before getting on. I only had three stops to go so it was a short ride. By that time my bladder needed releasing so I hurried the therapist’s office building. I just made it to the bathroom and I had 25 minutes before my appointment. I was shocked I walked so quickly to the office.

I met with the therapist. He seemed really nice. He went over his policies and payment. I wouldn’t have a payment today because he couldn’t figure out what it would be so I will be billed. I was grateful because I am running low on funds. We talked for 45 minutes, with me doing most of the talking about myself and my condition. He asked questions as we went along. Then came the difficult part of telling him about my horrid suicidality. He was okay with it. Okay, great. I then asked what he does with suicidal clients and he explained what he does. I then asked if he had a contract of some kind. He said no. I thought that was a little odd, but I was okay with it. I really liked him and he seems willing to work with me on my direction so I have a new therapist!

What was odd was the female therapist that I left several messages to, called me back today. I was in a quandary as to what to do. But I made up my mind to go with this guy. His office is convenient for me and it’s in the evening so I am cool with that. I feel comfortable with him. We’ll meet again in two weeks as he is on vacation next week. Gives me time to process the session a little bit.

Feeling sad about things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Feeling sad about things

A family member came over the house today to talk to me to prove they “weren’t crazy”. The more this person talked to me, the weirder they sounded. I really think this person is developing schizophrenia of some sort. The person’s thinking is all messed up and now they think they have a “spiritual connection”. I just feel really sad because I know schizophrenia is a tough disorder to have.

A year ago today my father was placed in the nursing home and that started his down hill slide toward death. This month is just going to suck for me. Easter is coming up and that used to be my favorite holiday. My favorite Aunt’s birthday was this month. She has been dead for more than ten years but I always remember Easter being her favorite holiday. It sucked when she passed. And now my father’s anniversary death. It’s weird that now that he is gone, I just want to tell him things I never told him, just to give me a piece of mind. Instead I just remember staring at him with disgust on his death bed. It was the last long look I had of him before he died as he died soon after. His death was that quick.

I watched my niece tonight. Her mother suggested I watch a movie with her. I never saw the movie Ratatoulle so we watched that. It was a cute little movie. After the movie, I played on my phone, going through Facebook and Twitter. While scrolling through Facebook, I came across a video of the TV show “Friends” gag reel. I watched that and laughed my ass off. My niece started laughing because I was crying and my face turned red. She got a kick out of it. It was the first time I laughed in a while.

I put my niece to bed and then went upstairs to take my meds and then I started feeling sad again. My ankle was bothering me. My cousin PM’d me asking how I was. She wanted me to go to her parents for Easter and I told her my mother would be upset if I didn’t spend it with her. I think she understood. We are going to plan on going for coffee sometime soon.

Today was my youngest cousin’s birthday party. She is turning one and they had a party for her today. I wanted to go but pain kept me away. I was hurting too much from yesterday. I made pancakes this afternoon for lunch. And then after I had my coffee, I took a nap. I meant to clean up but never did. I know my mother is mad at me for leaving the dishes in the sink. Oh well. I also made a burger and left the pan. I hate cleaning pans. I just couldn’t stand at the sink because my ankle was giving me grief and I had to babysit. It was one or the other. I couldn’t do both. I wanted to shower today but that didn’t happen either. I will take one tomorrow morning. Mornings seems to be better for me to do things than later in the afternoon. It really depressed me that I wasn’t able to go to the party. I was so looking forward to it. I really wanted to see the baby. I saw pictures that people post on Facebook so that made me a little bit happier. It’s not the same as in person but this is the life of a chronic pain person. Living vicariously through others.

I am really tired but I can’t sleep. I have too much on my mind. I’m waiting for my pain meds to ease my ankle pain. It’s too late now to take Neurontin for the burning in my foot. It’s not bad but it can get worse tomorrow. I’ll deal with it then.

Painful emotional Monday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Painful emotional Monday

I woke up before my alarm and felt sick. My stomach was bothering me and I just didn’t have the motivation to shower or brush my teeth. I went to the bathroom and almost vomited. Was not going to brush my teeth then! I knew if I did, I would only puke some more. I went upstairs and set my alarm for another hour and tried to sleep. My mother got up and all hopes for sleeping went out the window. The TV was loud and then she played her dice game. I took some stomach medicine and shut my alarm off. I really wanted to cancel my psych appointment but I told my lab friends I would be by to clean out my locker.

I managed about an hours sleep and then had to run for the bus. The homeless man that is in my neighborhood started talking to me and this lady that sat next to me on the bench. I wasn’t paying attention to the bus and we almost missed it. I would have cursed him if the bus went by. My stomach was still not doing well but I had my espresso with soy milk anyways. I made it to my appointment with ten minutes to spare.

I told my doc about what went on this weekend with Amy Bleuel. She had seen the tattoos but didn’t know what they meant. I explained what they were about and that she died by suicide. I also said that I think the same fate is for me, even though I wasn’t suicidal at this time. It was tough to talk about my feeling about this with her but she didn’t judge me or freak out so it felt good to share my thoughts on the matter. She is trying to find a therapist for me and will be in touch when some names are given to her. No one at the hospital she is at does therapy. For the number one hospital in psychiatry in the country, I find this hard to believe. Apparently, they just do meds. Very unusual.

I left to go to the lab to see my former co-workers. It was sad being there. Some people I haven’t seen in a while and others I have seen whenever I visit. I found out a friend just had surgery so I will be calling her later today. I hope she picks up. I emptied my locker. It was junk, most of it. I found a video I had totally forgotten about, The Importance of Being Ernest. It’s one of my favorite movies. A few books were there. I thought one of them was a book on baseball cards but it was on stamps. I tossed it in my recycle bin when I came home. It was almost 20 years old so it was out of date.

I stood the whole time I was in the lab. My ankle and foot did not like that at all. I was getting thirsty just talking the whole time, too. I had to get something to drink so I went to CVS and got a vitamin water. I would have bought just water but they didn’t have a small size just big bottles. I didn’t want a big one. I was hurting all the way home. I am glad I came home when I did because I had gas really bad. I trusted a fart and that was it, I shit my pants. I still had my jeans on so I am glad I wasn’t sitting on my bed. I went downstairs and had my mother help me undress. She was shocked I shit myself. I didn’t even feel it until it was too late. Something just didn’t agree with my stomach. I have been crapping water the past hour so I will be drinking powerade so I don’t get dehydrated. I took some Imodium. I haven’t eaten anything all day except for the espresso. I didn’t have time for a sandwich so I don’t know why my stomach is against me. I feel so downhearted because I shit myself. Damn nerve damage. I am glad I was home though. Crapping outside would have killed me.

I took a shower after I clean up the bathroom and my pants. It felt good to shower. My stomach still isn’t settled and my arse is sore. I hope the Imodium kicks in soon. I feel so humiliated. My ankle is hurting a lot because I keep having to go up and down the stairs. I know tomorrow is going to be a rest day for sure. I won’t be taking senna tonight, that is for sure. I still need to brush my teeth but I am feeling nauseous. Maybe I will later when my stomach settles down a bit.

My mother told me she is going to my Aunt’s because it’s my cousin’s birthday. I am on my own for supper. I might order pizza. I wanted to have Thai food from Boston but I forgot to order it before leaving the hospital. I just had eyes set on going home. I am really tired and my ankle is really hurting. I might have to take a strong pain pill tonight. I was going to take one this afternoon but I don’t want to be drugged going up and down stairs with my bowels being unpredictable. It’s weird I haven’t eaten anything all day and I am not hungry. Maybe I am getting sick of some kind. I just know the bowel incidents have left me feeling weak. I think I will take a nap and then order food.

Random 955

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Random 955

I woke up twice in the middle of the night. The first time, I was able to get back to sleep fairly quickly. The second time I woke up around 0530 and was in severe pain so couldn’t go back to sleep right away. I still am in pain but it’s not as severe. I took a nap and then had lunch. I had time to catch the bus, even though I felt shitty. I went out anyways just to get out.

I got to Starbucks and had my espresso. I started writing and then after a few paragraphs, I was feeling sick. I had to go home. My mother needed a birthday card so I went to CVS before going to the bus terminal. I must have been out for maybe 45 minutes or so. It was cold and raining by the time I got off the bus. Luckily, there was no trouble walking home.

I still feel like I could sleep for a hundred years and still be tired. My room has cooled off considerably and I am glad. I couldn’t stand the heat. I finally shut off the ceiling fan but I still got the window open. The temp is dropping so I know the heat is going to kick on again. I should have bought a burrito before leaving the Square. I don’t know what I am going to make for supper. I might make some pasta with my sauce. I wanted to have it for lunch but I was too groggy to cook. I still am but the coffee helped to wake me up a little bit.

I was able to shower today. I took it while I had a break in pain. It didn’t last long but long enough to wash and rinse. Drying was tough as my foot started to act up. I thought at least twice I was going to lose my balance as I was getting dressed. Damn feet did not want to go through the holes to let my boxers on. It’s so frustrating that I have to shove them in on one foot and pray I don’t fall in the process or rip the material.

Hard to believe baseball starts next week and the temps haven’t been above 50. It’s going to be really cold at the start of the season. We start off playing the Pirates, which is interleague play. I don’t know why they are starting so early this year. Usually it’s a month or two after the season begins. But I rather get them out of the way now so we just have one league to deal with by the end of the season. Least I hope so as I haven’t looked at the schedule so I could be wrong. I should be excited but I am not. It’s great that I will have a game nearly every night to listen or watch but so far this spring, I really haven’t been paying close attention. Maybe that will change once the schedule/rotation is set up (player wise). During spring training games, the regular players don’t play so it’s like why bother watching/listening. You got some no name playing second base that isn’t going to be there come Opening day. Useless. And Mr. $30 Million/year is hurt so won’t be playing. I have a feeling he is going to milk his injury and be out most of the season. Some competitive guy he is, NOT. He was placed on the 10 day DL (disabled list) but it has been more than that so why hasn’t he been throwing?? Can’t stand him. Hated the deal he got and hated him more when he couldn’t produce in the post season.

I called the therapist that I called last week. I think the message didn’t go through so I tried again as I didn’t hear back from her. I hope she does call me back in a day or so. I was looking at her website and found she is trained in different modalities that are right up my alley. If the chemistry is right, we might just work out, if she is taking on new clients. I will be so sad if she doesn’t work out and I need to find someone else, again. She has two offices, one in Boston and one in Cambridge, which is close to where I live. Either is accessible by public transportation though the one in Boston might be a little trickier, only because I have to take the bus and train. Please readers, send me good vibes she works out and has the time to see me!

I think I am going to take another nap rather than make something to eat. Without trying, I lost five pounds, which I can only guess is because I haven’t been taking Neurontin in a few days. I swear just taking this meds adds weight on. My ankle is acting up again despite me taking some pain meds when I got home. I hope I don’t have to take the strong pain pill again. I had to take one this morning to quiet down the severe pain I was having.

My week is free again. Only appointment I have is with my psychiatrist on Friday. Kind of makes me lazy as I don’t have to get up and go places. It’s so easy to stay in bed or at home. I hope the weather is better tomorrow, least a little warmer. I should start reading the CBT book I have about suicide attempters. I have been carrying it around in my bag since I bought it. I think I might have read the introduction and that was it. It’s a clinical book so can be a little technical at times. But it’s not over my head, least I hope not. I have some clue about CBT, though it’s been ages since I read about it. I have another book that is about cognitive therapy that I want to get to some time this year. I am still reading Robert Lowell, so when I am done with that book, maybe I will go back to reading clinical material.