Tag: schizoaffective disorder

very early morning ramble

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Very early morning ramble

I woke up around 0230 because I had to pee and now I am find it difficult to go back to sleep. So I thought I would write for a bit as that usually calms me down. I was having a weird dream about working in the lab before I woke up. Something to do with pipettes and not finding the right ones. It made sense in the dream. Now it doesn’t. I do miss being in the lab. It was a stressful job but an important one that I took seriously. Most importantly, I miss my coworkers, even though they drove me nuts some nights. And because I was considered a “senior”, I got to deal with the problems in the shift. Usually that meant the 2300 call from a sample at 2000 that was mismatched and had to be deleted. Hated getting those calls. I never left work at the time I was supposed to because I was off chasing down samples and filling out paperwork.

I’m kind of hungry as I didn’t really eat much yesterday. But it’s too early to make anything. I still have one pancake left over from the other day. I might have that later. Just pop it in the toaster to heat it up. I don’t like putting pancakes in the microwave because I think they come out rubbery and then they turn hard when they get cold again. My next grocery order, I need to order more oatmeal as my mother has used it. She likes making oatmeal, plain. I have to have fruit or something in it to eat it. I like making oatmeal pancakes because they are hearty and fill me up. If I am really in the mood, I will make oatmeal cookies. But that hasn’t happened in a while. I love cookies but I don’t like making them. It’s a pain to clean up afterwards.

I’m going to need coffee when I get up later. I am going to make my Pike coffee. I am running low on my Casi Ceilo and they don’t seem to be selling it anymore. I meant to buy another bag but I never did. I still need to try the Guatemalan coffee they have out right now. I keep saying I am going to try and it and then I just order my espresso. If I go out today, I will order it. I won’t know if I like it if I never try it.

My ankle is minimal right now. I took some pain meds to keep it that way. Last night, I had to take a strong pain pill to quiet it down. I was just in so much pain that it hurt just to look at my foot. It’s better now but I don’t want it to start acting up again when I lie down again. That would not be good. Ativan is working so I think I will go back to sleep. Wish me luck.

Sunday Musings

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Sunday Musings

I surprisingly got more than six hours of sleep last night. I don’t remember what time I went to sleep but I know it was before midnight and I woke up around 9. I would have slept more but my bladder said no. I made coffee and breakfast and when I got back to my room, my foot was hurting. I didn’t take anything because it was just a mild annoyance. I drank my coffee, which isn’t the kind I like. I wanted to use up the bag because I don’t like it as much as I like Pike and my Casi Ceilo. I will toss the bag when I go down for lunch as I don’t think there is enough for another cup of coffee.

After I finished my coffee, I couldn’t decide to read or not. I was having a conversation with my voices. Then I just started to stare off into space. This is the second day of me doing this. It has me kind of worried because I did it a lot last year before and after my father’s death. I don’t know if it is just a preoccupation glance or what. But it’s troubling me. I might send an email to my psychiatrist asking if this is “normal”. I thought about paging her but it’s not an urgent thing.

Last night, I decided to look for therapists in my area. I found three, two social workers and a psychologist. I will call them tomorrow. If I have to lie about my suicidality, I will. I just don’t want to be denied, again, because of my suicidal tendencies. All of these therapists are in Harvard Square, which makes it convenient for me to get to them. My psychiatrist is also looking for a therapist for me but I have a feeling she is going to find someone that is not convenient for me to go to. If I had a car, it would be a different story. Even though I have access to a Zipcar, I don’t want to be dishing out money every week just for therapy, in addition to my copay. I hope one of the three therapists pans out.

In a few days, my anniversary of my journey into the mental health field is coming up. Last year I had a horrible time with flashbacks of the events that lead me to seeing a therapist. I hope that doesn’t happen this year, especially as I am not seeing anyone but my psych. I love my psych but she doesn’t really do therapy with me and I will just get frustrated with talking about flashbacks and not having any ways to cope with them. It’s really difficult dealing with PTSD because you can get flashbacks with the slightest mention of things that happened. Anniversary dates are really hard to deal with.

I don’t really have plans for the day. I wanted to go to Walgreens but I forgot what I wanted to buy so I won’t be going. It’s freezing and windy out anyways so I really don’t want to go out if I don’t have to. I do plan on reading my book. I never opened it last night to finish the chapter I was on. I am going to read after I have lunch, which will be the leftover Chinese food. I ordered from a new place and it was really good, though I didn’t get as much General Gao chicken as I get from other places. It was spicy too, which was nice. The other places were mild. I am definitely going to order from them again.

A not so perfect ending to a bad week

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

A not so perfect ending to a bad week

I went to my workshop today. I got there okay and I forgot there was a Barnes and Noble on the street, which was tempting to spend my last few dollars after the workshop but I resisted and didn’t step foot in the door. That took great will power because I love bookstores. I got there an hour early so I had time to have my espresso and write in my journal without being rushed.

The class was pretty boring. It wasn’t engaging to keep my head in the game, so to speak and they emphasized using Twitter more, which I already use. They wanted just 5-10 tweets per day. I know I post most than that, including retweets. But they are not just book related. I can’t remember the last time I posted a link to my book. They also wanted to utilize Facebook groups to get the word out there. That I can see myself doing though it will take some doing. I did get some pointers as to getting on mental illness sites and organizations to help promote my book. That is probably the only thing I got out of the workshop. I brought up my blog and they encouraged making a page so I will work on that sometime this weekend. WordPress doesn’t “publish” so I might make it a blog and then post it as a page. BE ON THE LOOK OUT! I just don’t know what to say on the page yet. I wish I remembered what I write but I don’t. I also wish there was some traffic on my blogs that there are chapters in my book. That would be easier to put the link to my book and maybe get some sales.

They did say that the market is always changing and book selling is hard, especially for self-publishers like myself. I already knew that from my first book as it was hard just trying to get reviewers for my book. I think I gave away more books and got zero reviews. I don’t think I am going to take another course at this place. I just don’t feel it is helpful and this is my third time going to the place.

After the course, it took me a while to get to a train station that I could easily go home from. I walked really far from the place and my ankle was not appreciative of the journey. I got my exercise for the day, that is for sure. I did pass a McDonalds on my way to the T and was tempted to get a big Mac but I really didn’t want to stop as I knew it would be hard to get moving again. I got on the train and there was a person with schizophrenia on the train as he kept on saying the evil spirits took his money and his socks. He was really loud and scary. No one was paying attention to him, though I think a lady did engage him to try and calm him down, but it didn’t work. That just agitated him more. I felt really bad for him.

I had a message when I checked my phone after the course from the lady I met the other day about the chronic pain group. I returned the call when I got home and she told me I would be accepted in the group on the condition I have a therapist for at least three months. I got annoyed. It might take me three months just to find a fucking therapist. I didn’t say anything and just blew her off, thinking it was a lost cause. I then called my psychiatrist because she wanted me to touch base with her. We talked and she is looking for a therapist for me. She also wanted to know more about my pain so we talked about that. She also said that my PCP is a nice guy but doesn’t know me so is not sure how to take my pain needs. She tried conveying how I was as she has known me for so long. She said he might see me more but I haven’t heard from the office and I don’t see him for three months. So we’ll see if the guy will change his mind about being on a longer acting pain med. The rate I am going with my strong pain pill is not getting better. I am using it more because the regular pain meds are not as effective anymore. I have to pick and choose what I think will work best now.

It was good talking to my psych. I honestly think I would be up the creek without a paddle if I didn’t have her. We didn’t talk about my suicidality and I didn’t bring up my plan and how it’s ready to go during my next flare up. I took a strong pain med when I came home because I knew that is what I needed. I am feeling the effects of it and am wicked tired from all the walking I did. I am feeling discouraged about the chronic pain group. I think that would have been a helpful thing for me to be a part of and also give me the support I need about my pain. I know I post to social media about my pain but when it’s late at night, I don’t usually get a response. I know that is because most people are sleeping, like “normal” people will be doing.

It was really cold today. I don’t think it got above 30 degrees as the wind was horrible. My feet are cold now despite being under the blankets. Going to have to put on thermal socks on soon. I am so glad I bought them. Best purchase I ever made. They work better than regular socks and are so warm.

rough day 2

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Rough day

I had another night of bad sleep. This wasn’t because of pain meds, it was mostly due to pain. I caught the earlier bus as I woke up just in time for it. I figure it would give me time to relax and have some writing time. I then left for my appointment, which turned out to be a disappointment.

I met with an intake coordinator for this chronic pain group my psychiatrist thinks will be good for me. I think it will be good for me, too. Unfortunately, the intake coordinator doesn’t, only because of my suicidality. So once again my thoughts of suicide are hindering my mental health. She needs to talk to my psychiatrist and the group leaders. She said that it is a “slow” process and she will get back to me when all is said and done. Fucking great. I have a feeling this group is out because there is only “light” conversations. You can’t sit there and tell me that other people with chronic pain have never thought of ending their lives. Fuck. I am so aggravated. If I processed things quickly, I would have told her thanks but no thanks. Maybe I will call and leave her a message so she doesn’t have to call anyone or speak to anyone.

So this has put me into a funk. I am sure I will get over it. She is not the first mental health professional to tell me my suicidality is high risk and a “dangerous” topic. I have been turned down by multitudes of therapists because of my high risk. Why should a group be any different. She also said it would be good if I had a therapist. No fucking shit. I am working on that but it’s not so fucking easy.

After the appointment, I went to the square and got a burrito for dinner. I wanted to order Thai food but I didn’t feel like waiting. I wanted to get home because my ankle was starting to bother me. It’s worse now. Which is depressing the fuck out of me. I emailed my psychiatrist and gave her the run down of this blog. I told her I wasn’t hopeful of being admitted to the group. I jokingly said that I must be the only chronic pain person to think of killing themselves. I know this is not true because I have been on chronic pain groups on Facebook and they are really sad the amount of people that want to end their life because of their pain.

My psych was going to talk to my PCP today about my pain. She said she will get back to me if something fruitful arises from the conversation. I am not hopeful about that either. My PCP is stuck on it being a “mental” issue at this point, meaning that I just need to learn to live with the pain. I would be able to, if the pain wasn’t so excruciating at times! It’s not every day I face unbearable pain. I would have attempted suicide by now if that were the case. But when I tell him I am in a bad mood because the pain is out of fucking control, I think that needs to be taken seriously and adjustments need to be made. No amount of mindfulness is going to bring down excruciating physical pain.