Tag: schizoaffective disorder

A Day of Pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

A Day of Pain

Yesterday my ankle gave out on me and it was very painful all night. I woke up around 0230 in pain and then I stayed up will around 0430 or so when the pain meds made me sleepy. I don’t remember the time I woke up this morning. It must have been around 0930 because I heard my mother go down the stairs to go to my aunt’s house. I was still in pain so I took more pain meds and then made breakfast. My mother had bacon and I made some scrambled eggs with cheese on toast. My sister was home from her mini vacation so I went downstairs to make my coffee. She said that she had a gift for me. It was an I love Aruba hat. It was cool. My foot started screaming at me so I went back upstairs to my room for it to quiet down. Except it never did.

Around noon time or maybe there after, I took some more meds and made lunch. My foot was really giving me fits. I ate quickly and then went back to my room where my foot then decided to explode. I was started to feel hopeless and just wanted to fucking die. I became suicidal and contemplated calling my psychiatrist. I didn’t know if she would call me back right away so I left that as my last option. I took my strong pain pill. And hoped to fall asleep. I laid down and my pain increased. I sat back up and wanted to cry.

The drowsiness of the meds wore off and by then it was supper time. I had some soup my sister made. It was good. And now I am hurting again because I went downstairs to her apartment and then back up the stairs to my room.

My mother went to the doctors today because she had some redness on her breast that was warm and hurting her. It turned out to be shingles. Except she doesn’t think it’s shingles because “she knows her body”. I know she is going to take one dose of the medication they gave her, it is not going to “work”, and she is going to stop taking it. I just hope I don’t get it because I touched the spot that was hurting her. I am going to call my doctor’s office tomorrow to see if I should get the shingles vaccine.

I had one of the books that I sent out returned to me today. I had put the wrong address for my cousin. I had the street right, just the number of her apartment building wrong. So I need to go to the post office tomorrow to mail it to her. I am sure she is wondering where the hell the book is. I will send it out priority mail so she gets it sooner. I just hope tomorrow I am not in a lot of pain like I am today.

The pain is ridiculous today. I can’t move my toes because if I try, I will be in horrendous pain. Nothing can touch my foot. I am just fucking miserable. I am just glad I ate today as I barely ate yesterday. My PTSD was activated today because of the pain so that was fun. I had to take some Ativan to calm down. It helped with the suicidal urges I was feeling, too. My tolerance for the pain was way low today. I couldn’t bear it at all. It was driving me crazy. I tried to distract myself from it but I just didn’t have the energy to. I had used most of my energy last night as I tried to sleep. It wore me out so much so I am not surprised my pain tolerance was zero today.

My therapist got back to me late last night. Her schedule is “packed” so she doesn’t have a time for me, yet. She is “working” on it. I haven’t heard from her today and I doubt I will tomorrow. So there goes another week without therapy. I gave her an ultimatum, saying that if she didn’t give me a time, we were basically done. She is willing to talk to me but she needs to find a time to do it. I emailed my psychiatrist like at 4 in the morning while I was up to explain the situation because after my therapist texted me, I broke down again. I don’t think that helped my pain levels. If I had the impulsivity, I would seriously try to end my life tonight. But I don’t. I want to die but I don’t have the means. Fucking sucks. I will in a few weeks though. Then I will be out of my misery for good.

Therapy Troubles

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Therapy Troubles

I had talked with my psychiatrist about my therapist on Friday. She wanted me to reach out to her to try and see if our relationship could be salvageable. I left a voicemail message asking for a time to talk so we could work this out. I texted her this morning to check her voicemail and then around 1230, I get a text from her asking if I called any of the therapists she gave me. I fell apart. I felt she wasn’t hearing me, yet again. So I responded that I didn’t want another therapist, that SHE was my therapist and if we couldn’t work this out, to cancel our existing appointment. I’m done. I then cried for an hour waiting for a response that I still am waiting for.

While I was waiting, I emailed my psychiatrist will all this. I told her I would send another email if I got a response. I am so upset over this. I don’t understand why she (my therapist) just didn’t text me a time to talk to her when that is what I said in the voicemail. She never listens to me anymore.

I did a lot of things this morning. Then I went to Walgreens to get some things for my mother. Things were going well until the last block home. I wasn’t wearing my brace because it was a short distance walk. My ankle took advantage of the situation and decided it wasn’t going to work and cause me intense pain. I have been laid up ever since. Fucker. Then my asshole cousin calls me wanting to bring groceries up the stairs. Fuck you. He gave me the excuse he always does, his back was hurting him. He hung up on me and I called him back telling him I wasn’t doing it. He got mad and I didn’t give a shit. When he came, he didn’t do shit and made my niece help him bring the bags up. Asshole.

I finally changed my sheets today so when I go upstairs for the final time today, I will have clean sheets to sleep in. I am very tired. I had to take some pain pills to quiet my ankle down. I’m still waiting for it to quiet down. I tried to nap but lying down increased my pain and my thoughts were dwelling on my therapist so I couldn’t rest. This is the second week without therapy since my therapist has been back. I care but I don’t as I plan on going ahead with my plans. The only people that know of them are my psych and my friend.

a meaningful quote

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

A meaningful quote

Life’s most persistent and urgent question is, what are you doing for others?
Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

A dear friend of mine posted this on her blog and I found some meaning in it. What am I doing for others? Lately, I feel like all I am doing is taking care of my family with their needs and not taking care of my own. I don’t even know if this blog is helpful anymore. I rant more about my chronic pain than about my depression and suicidality. Or I whine about my therapy troubles. I guess I just don’t find meaning in my life anymore.

I texted my therapist today to check her voicemail. I really want to talk to her this week. We have a lot to discuss. I am not sure we can do it all in one session but I am hopeful we can. It’s just important to me that I voice my feelings to her and if she can’t hear me then I guess it really is time to move on. Except, I won’t be seeing someone new because I have an end date. I have decided that if that the Pats win their AFC game, I will extend my date by one week. No reason to spoil my sister’s Superbowl weekend.

Today is the last day of my care for my niece. My sister is returning from Aruba tonight. I just have to put my niece to bed and then I can go up to my room. I am going to try and change my sheets. I meant to do it yesterday but wasn’t in the mood. I had coffee so I won’t be returning to sleep. The Casi Cielo is really strong enough to keep me awake. This coffee is so good. I love it. So with the energy I have, I should be able to clear my bed off and change my sheets. That is the one goal I have for the day.

This is the first morning that I didn’t wake up in pain. This is good. Maybe I can accomplish my goal. I kind of want to wait till my mother leaves the house before going upstairs. That will be in about an hour from now. I hope I don’t get the sleepies or nothing is going to get done. My mother wants me to do an errand for her. We’ll see if that happens after I change my sheets. Usually I am wiped out after this task. Having a twin mattress was so much easier than a full one. But at least half my bed is my “office” and the other half I can sleep in which would be impossible with a twin size mattress.

I am feeling ambivalent about seeing my psychiatrist this week. I really don’t want to go but I know that if I don’t, I probably will have to call her. When I see her, I am going to tell her that I don’t have to be seen weekly. Hopefully, she will agree. I know she is worried about me right now, and it’s not like I haven’t given her a reason to be worried. I just really don’t want to go into Boston.

MLK Birthday 2017

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

MLK Birthday 2017

Today is the observance of MLK Jr.’s birthday. Sadly, the President-Elect is not doing a damn thing about it because of “schedule conflicts”. Makes me sick.

I have been in an irritated mood for most of the day. Someone had posted a link on Twitter about how they created a Yelp page to rank psych hospitals. While that is all well and good, the patients needing care there might not get it because of distance, insurance issues, or bed unavailability. Most likely, it will be because of bed unavailability. Also, during a crisis, the patient doesn’t always have a choice as to where they will go.

I voiced my opinion on the matter and some administrator in the tweet said that “change is possible”. To which I replied, how as there is a bed crisis right now?? These administrator have no fucking clue how the mental health system really is for patients. And why would they? They aren’t the ones spending hours, sometimes days, in the ER waiting for a bed. It drives me fucking crazy. And then a social worker that I know and have dealt with many times, throws in his opinion which squashes mine, making me look like an idiot. UGH. I just wanted to scream. He is all for outpatient treatment, while I was discussing inpatient treatment. Big difference. I got so damn frustrated.

So then I leave the house with my niece as I thought we wanted burritos. I did anyways. I asked her at the bus stop if she was hungry and she said no. What do you mean no when we are going to get burritos?? I wanted to go back home but I really wanted a damn burrito so we went to the Square. I got more coffee at Starbucks (just to add to my agitation) and got the damn burrito. We took them home to eat. We had just missed the bus from the Square so decided to walk to the next one that was 0.4 miles from where we were. I was exhausted by the time we reached our destination and my ankle wasn’t too happy either. There was a creepy guy at the bus stop and luckily he got on a different bus than the one we were going on. Thankful for that.

I had to get milk and the paper at Walgreens so we stopped there before coming home. I wanted to get Fruit Loops but it was too expensive. I wasn’t going to pay nearly five bucks for a 10 ounce box. That is just ridiculous. So my cereal craving will have to keep craving.

Now I am home and I am not doing a damn thing other than eat my burrito. My niece did soon as we got home. I don’t think she likes eating in public places and that is why she said she wasn’t hungry. She has anxiety so I understand.

I don’t think my therapist is in the office today because I haven’t heard from her. More anxiety for me. I hope to hear from her tomorrow. I really hope I can have a chat with her. I just feel hopeless because another therapist has decided they can’t work with me anymore. It just makes me feel like a hopeless case and that I can’t be helped so why bother trying. If she acts like a fink and refuses to give me a time this week to talk things over, I’m just going to cancel the appointment next month and say goodbye to her. It’s not worth the aggravation anymore of trying to help myself when I get no help from a professional.