Tag: schizoaffective disorder

Diet and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Diet and other things

Last night, during the early morning hours, I was charging my headphones. Something that I meant to do while I was chatting with a friend of mine but completely forgot. I kept on waiting for the red light to turn blue but it never did. I had it plugged into the outlet and I figured maybe the USB port on my computer would be faster. It wasn’t. By this time I was hungry so I had one of my protein shakes. It filled me up and it was only 150 calories. I had another one 3-4 hours later when I woke up. I think I will be able to do this diet thing no problem. The only problem I foresee is getting 300 or so calories at the end of the day.

I got an app that counts calories. I like this because it actually lists the products that I am using. I plan on having some boiled eggs later. My ankle is killing me so I won’t venture downstairs right now. Besides my mother is still home and the TV is too loud for my preference right now. I like it when it is quiet. I also need coffee as the Neurontin left me a nice hangover. Man, do I have a fog.

Only place I plan on going today is to the pharmacy to pick up my meds. I hope my ankle is feeling better by then. All I did was use the bathroom. Damn stupid ankle. I took some pain meds and I am waiting for them to work.

I talked to my friend who I got the diet idea from. He said the hardest part was getting the calories needed during the day. He said he ate sugar free pudding and applesauce. I bought some but not the sugar free kind. I don’t like the after taste of sugar free stuff. I know “sugar” is bad but if I don’t have some carbs, I fear I will lose my mind. I bought some pudding and applesauce as well as yogurt. I am really going to try and see if this diet will work for me. The hard part is trying to get out of bed to get the stuff I need in my body on days that I just want to stay in bed, either because of pain or my moods. Not having any concrete plans is another downer.

Crap, I forgot that I have a dinner date with my friends at Olive Garden next week. I guess that will be my cheat day. Maybe I can get a big mac before I am supposed to leave Boston to really make it a cheat day. I am thinking I should wait until the new year to start my diet as that will be the logical thing to do. But I really want to see if I can do it for more than a week and see how much weight I will lose once I get started. Even if it’s a few pounds I will be happy. I do hate the caloric counting thing. I have never been one to count calories or care about calories. I just eat what I want and the hell with it. I know my meds work against me and it will be a challenge with the Neurontin making me hungry all the time. I just know that I need to lower my weight if I want to get off my blood pressure pills. That is my goal. This isn’t a permanent diet solution. I know I need to watch my weight always to keep myself from gaining the weight back. My friend has lost 16 pounds so far in 16 days. If I lose that much, I will be so happy.

My biggest reason for doing this is because I am not active like I should be. If I was able to walk, even to the Square and back, that would be 2 miles a day and it would be great to do so. But I am lucky to make it to the pharmacy and back without any problems. And that is only a block and a half away from me. I can’t pick up my niece at school anymore because there are too many hills for me to walk and it hurts me afterwards. In my younger, healthier days, it didn’t bother me. But now that I have health problems, it’s a huge deal. I can’t walk up the hill on my street like I used to. And I used to be able to do it without a sweat. Now the only time I climb the hill is to see my dentist. Some days I do okay and others it’s like climbing Mount Everest, which reminds me, I got to call to get my tooth fixed. I hate calling. I avoid using the phone at all costs. I rather text or email. It’s easier for me. Maybe I will call in the afternoon when I am not so drugged up by my pain meds.

More Reflections about Therapy

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

More reflections about therapy

I started a Twitter rant and before I knew it, I was crying as I thinking about how my therapist of 15 years is suddenly realizing, now, that she isn’t the one for me. I feel that I am the blame for this though I don’t know how exactly I am. I just feel that if I kept that transference blog to myself instead of sharing it, things wouldn’t be like this.

I had thought about what I was going to do with therapy. I figure I would give her a symptom of something of PTSD nature that we could work on and sort out. But now that has gone to crap as we are breaking up. I don’t know if there are any resolutions to us staying together. It is really sad that in her bag of tricks she has run out of things to help me, even though I have offered her many over the years of working together.

From the start, I always thought of treatment plans to help us get going and she was amenable to these ideas. I never thought that she would depend on me so much. I honestly have no idea when we stopped being client and professional to being something along the lines of being “friends”. We care for one another deeply, there is no denying that. But I think we got too close for comfort and that is what is destroying the therapeutic relationship.

I still can’t understand why she cannot take time out of her schedule to become a CAMS trained therapist. Maybe she thinks it will cost too much or that it will take too long. I don’t know. She never said why. All she has said was that she is not a “suicidologist”. You don’t have to be one to get trained. Maybe this pressure is what is tearing us apart. My suicidality is too tough for her to handle anymore. Maybe she is just burned out like any therapist would be with chronic suicidality. I don’t know. I just know that you can’t “expect different results with the same experiments”. Or something like that. It’s by Albert Einstein. I wrote it in one of the book I read on suicidality. Much good my book did for her.

I keep thinking where did I go wrong. I just don’t know. I just know that I was tired of her anxiety interfering with our therapy. Even when we were talking about my PTSD she was anxious and she didn’t even know it. I had to bring it up. What the hell is that about? I’m a sensitive person so I pick up others emotions pretty quick. In my household growing up, you had to or you got smacked. I’m not saying my therapist is abusive in anyway. Not at all. But she definitely has issues that are not my issues to control. I am just a patient in her care. Not for that much longer.

It hurts like hell that after 16 years in January (that is our anniversary month), we will be saying good-bye. We haven’t discussed formal termination. We are just on a break right now. I wanted to talk to her today or tomorrow but I am being a stubborn fuck and not going to call her. I can manage on my own without her. Hell I have done it before, I will do so again. I know I need a therapist that handles PTSD symptoms and other stuff. I won’t say suicide because that freaks therapists out and I won’t be able to get a therapist if I tell them I am suicidal or have a suicidal history. It’s just the way the therapist world works. The care you need the most is not given due to fear. And I have scared the shit out of my therapist so many times she is having anxiety attacks over it.

I also need a collaborative therapist that won’t be up my ass about their treatment style is the best in the world for me. Horseshit. I don’t work that way. Either we work together or see ya later. I don’t know if I can trust someone just out of the gate again. It took at least five years of working together before I was able to let my guard down with her. I can’t imagine how long it will be for another therapist. That is, if I decide to see a new one. I haven’t completely decided to go ahead with someone new. My therapist has a few names for me, which I will take but I doubt they will work out. I’m just a high risk suicidal case with PTSD out of control with chronic pain that makes it difficult to work through. I am anything but “easy”.

Made it out

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Made it out

I woke up in a better mood than I have the past few days. I wasn’t in as much pain and got some restful sleep. I checked Twitter like I always do and heard that one of my favorite pitchers got traded to the Phillies. This couldn’t be true! I scrolled along but didn’t see anything but exhilaration from the Sox crowd so it must be true.

I took a shower grumpily. It kind of exhausted me but not too much that I had to stay in bed. I had enough time to catch the next bus so I rested a little bit and kept checking Twitter for the official trade notification. I still had no idea who we got. By the time I was at Starbucks, half way through my sandwich, I saw who we got in the trade and my heart sunk. My good day went away, just like that. I didn’t get my burrito. I wasn’t hungry.

I started writing in my journal until I finished my drink. Then I caught the bus to the grocery store to buy some things. I wanted my multigrain bread and I was going to get it, dammit! I also got some pumpkin stuff because there were two cans left. They seemed lonely so I brought them home, after I paid for them of course. I used my burrito money for the purchases.

The bus took forever to get there. I didn’t time the bus right as I had to wait twenty minutes in the cold weather. I had to go to the pharmacy to drop off and pick up my meds. I had just enough time to sort through the mail and take off my brace before my bowels decided to let loose. It was all hard stuff because I hadn’t gone in a week and I bled. I figured as much because I really had to push to get the stool out of my system. For a while, I thought I would have to manipulate to get it to go but it came out on its own. Sometimes when I don’t go regularly, that can happen because I don’t have the muscle tone to push things out anymore. That is because of my nerve injury. I try to go every day or every other day but taking the damn pain meds really caused havoc on my system, especially the strong pain pill. I’m just glad I finally went or tomorrow would be crap day, literally.

It was weird not having therapy today. I was able to go out earlier than I normally do. If I didn’t have to go to the grocery store, I would have stayed at Starbucks longer. I have no idea if I am going to have a flare up tonight or not. But I am glad I went out. I keep thinking it’s Wednesday but it’s not. I guess being in the throws of a flare up really threw me for a loop. I always feel like I lose a day because I have to drug myself around the clock to get relief.

I’m starting a new book today. I finished the Lawrence Block book I was reading. Actually didn’t really finish it but it wasn’t for me so I tossed it aside and took it out of my “currently reading” que. I’m going to read SE Hinton’s Taming the Star Runner. I enjoy her books. I should finish it by the end of the week as it’s not a long book. In the new year, I will read the clinical books and Dostoevsky that I am still working on. It takes a lot of concentration for Dostoevsky and I just don’t have it or the patience to read it.

I calculated how much it’s going to cost me in protein drinks for my diet. It’s going to be a little over $250. I don’t consider that bad considering I usually spend that much on junk food at Stop and Shop. I know I will cheat here and there, but as long as it’s protein and not junk food, I should be okay. I don’t think a roast beef sandwich will be bad as say a tray of Oreo cookies. I will stay away from burgers or that will defeat the purpose. Besides, other than me making the burger, I can’t really buy them. I have no McDonald’s or Burger King in my area. I will miss carbs though. That is why I bought my bread so I can make a tuna sandwich. I can have my carbs and protein all in one.

Next week when I get paid, I plan on getting new glasses. It’s through an online company called Zanni. The frames are wicked cheap but durable and the lenses are not that expensive compared to optical shops. I bought my first pair earlier this year for my progressive lenses and though they really took some getting used to, it turned out to be fine. The only thing I hate about it is that you can’t have them adjusted by the optician so they don’t fit quite right. It took some trial and error but within a month or so, I had them the way I want them. I am going to try their transition lenses next. I priced them and it was $135, which isn’t bad considering. I just need to get a pair of sunglasses. Those I will go to the optician for, only because I need them for driving and I don’t want them messed up.

A Grumpy Painful Monday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

A grumpy painful Monday

I woke up a few times during the night. My ankle was not letting up any, so with the passing hours, I just took more pain meds. I have been in bed all day. I managed to brush my teeth when I went to the bathroom this morning. That has been the extent of my activities today. I haven’t eaten anything because I just am not hungry. I just want to be left alone and sleep. My mother called me twice. The first time I let it go to voicemail. I had to pick up the second time or she would come to my room and I didn’t want her to. She has a hard time getting up the stairs. She wanted me to have dinner but I told her I wasn’t hungry. She made dinner anyway and when it was finished, she called me. I still didn’t change my mind. The only thing I want to eat is my pumpkin cake and maybe a protein shake.

I am in a really grumpy mood because I shouldn’t be in pain. I have done everything to control the pain but I still continue to hurt. It’s not severe pain but just an annoying pain. The depression that I feel doesn’t want to make me get out of bed. I feel bad. One of my friends tried talking to me yesterday and I ignored her messages. Today she tried again and I just told her bluntly, I wasn’t in the mood to talk. I was in pain and I just wanted to hibernate. She understood. I told her when I felt up to it, I would be in contact with her again.

I need a shower. But I don’t feel like taking one. I also haven’t moved my bowels. Now we are getting to the danger zone because the last time I went was last Wednesday. I know that is partly why I have no appetite. I have been taking fiber pills but not moving around any isn’t helping either. I emailed my psych about this and haven’t heard back from her.

I wanted to do a few errands today but that didn’t happen. I still have my prescription at the pharmacy I haven’t picked up yet. I also wanted to get a burrito. Guess that will have to wait till tomorrow. I never called the dentist either and it’s too late now. I am just so wiped out from being in pain the last few days that I just don’t want to do a damn thing. I just want to keep popping pills until I get relief but that isn’t going to work. Be great if it did, but I doubt it would.

I wanted to drop off the last piece of pumpkin cake to my psychiatrist today. Now that piece is going in my belly not hers. Oh well. I will make the cake again as it is a favorite of mine. I have to place a grocery order in soon. I won’t order that much stuff because I will be dieting, starting next week. I haven’t told my mother yet but I will sometime this week. I think she won’t like it but I don’t care. I just want to see if I can do it.