Tag: suicide ideation

suicidal self vs DID

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mood disorders

I was reading an article tonight about DID, or Dissociative Identity Disorder (formerly known as Multiple personality disorder). It got me thinking in a lot of ways that I will ask my therapist about. I am wondering if I went into an “alter” last week when I became really suicidal. My pdoc thinks that I am just not made to be menstruating, that anything to do with it, I just become suicidal. But it’s so strange that I become this suicidal maniac until I start bleeding. Then I am back to my status quo. I woke up differently on Thursday than I was feeling on Wednesday. I still feel like I should be dead but it’s like last Tuesday was eons ago rather than just last week. I don’t know if I am making any sense. I just know that I was different than I am now and I am trying to figure it out. Nothing triggering me into being someone else. I just figured that since no one was home, they would have a hard time finding me and then it would be too late to save me. I am not going to say what I was planning on doing.

This “different” state happens all the time and I should know by now that it is hormonal. But does hormones play a part in DID? No one really knows that much about it. They know that trauma plays a huge part in forming the alters or different personality states. But why should I have just a suicidal state? I mean I am suicidal most of the time but this was different. This was borderline hospitalize me now or I am going to end my life state. And then, just like that, I didn’t want to kill myself anymore. It was the furthest thing from my mind. I am not saying that I wanted to live, because I NEVER do but suicide was the last thing on my mind and has been that way the past few days. I actually have been feeling “happy” and not moody. I am finagling how to make a future for myself that includes going back to college and getting my degree. That I don’t have a car anymore, kills me. That I am not working anymore, kills me. And the big one, that I am disabled, absolutely destroys me. I have to be on bedrest for the next month. That absolutely sucks. I literally have to make the swelling in my leg go down before my next appointment. I don’t know what they will do. Probably start me on more pills or something to get the swelling down if rest and ice doesn’t work.

And all this is fueling my suicidal gauge again. It got empty for a while but now it’s back to being full. And I cannot tell my therapist I am on bed rest because she will fucking pull that card on me big time and I don’t want to hear it. It would soon be grounds for admission to hospital and I can’t do that. FUCK that. Problem is, I haven’t figured out how NOT to keep this from her because I have a big mouth and I tell her everything that is wrong with me. I don’t know how she stands me. I really don’t. I torture this lady week after week with my suicidality. I bore her to tears with my pain issues. She doesn’t let on about it, but I know I bore her. But I am getting off topic of the DID stuff…

I don’t know when the suicidal self began. It happened really quickly and that is what scared me. I started thinking about this on Monday (last Monday) and then poof, Tuesday I was in the running for a suicide attempt. It got spoiled only because my fucking idiot therapist wanted to keep my appointment with her. Damn bitch and her decorum. It was a beautiful day to kill myself. No one was home. I would take what I needed to do the deed and be done with it with no one to fucking stop me. So the plan was to proceed anyways. NOPE, didn’t happen. I had to text her that I was going to be dead by Wed and would not be keeping our appointment because of my death. Or something like that. I am the biggest idiot alive. One hand I was having keen suicidal thoughts and in the other hand, I am texting the one person that could stop me from going through with it. I am a fucker, as she has called me numerous times now. I am not kidding. But it is true. My ambivalence got in the way, maybe, and thus my beautiful plan was never executed in the fashion I wanted it to. So then I started thinking of other ways to end my life. Until Thursday came with a little gift of discharge and all was right with the world again. Doesn’t make sense. I didn’t lose track of time. I was in the moment, well, in a suicide moment. The constriction was deep and flowing. I couldn’t wrap my head around anything other than killing myself and then poof, it’s gone. Just like that. And I am left stunned. I am back to the land of the living though I certainly don’t want to be here. I am left feeling like “did that really happen”? “Was I really thinking of taking my life that way”? Why did I want to die so badly? It just doesn’t make any sense. And I don’t think my therapist or my psychiatrist can make sense of it either. Just a few drops of menstrual blood was all that was needed to break the insanity, to lose the suicidal self. My psych doesn’t see that side of me often. She doesn’t see what my therapist sees on a regular basis. I think it is harder for her to diagnose me as a DID because of this, if I do have DID. But I don’t think having a suicidal self “counts” as a “part of self” or an “alter”. And that is really frustrating me.

I am on birth control pills that are supposed to control my menses so this break should not be happening. Yet it happens and I have no control over it. I don’t think anyone can really have control over it. Even though the discharge was only a day or so, it was enough to break the suicidal self and bring me back to being miserable. And that is that sad part of this. I don’t die and I am forced to live when I don’t want to.

Midnight demons are out tonight

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Midnight demons are out tonight

Since Midnight I have been in some serious pain. I got very distress and despondent. I thought about killing myself and was cursing my therapist for allowing me to still exist. A blogger friend was posting blogs so I asked her if she wanted to chat and we chatted for a few hours. She had to go because she had some stuff to do in the morning. Which is fine. I understand.

I still am in pain three hours later despite taking pain meds and using a pain gel. I don’t think I am going to sleep tonight and all I can think about is killing myself. I posted on FB that I wanted to use a chainsaw to chop my leg off. I seriously wonder if that is the better course of action. Just cut out the part that is hurting. I know there will be something called phantom pain afterwards but it can’t be worse than what I am going through right now. At least then, I will know WHY I am in pain. There is NO FUCKING REASON why I should be in pain. I didn’t do a damn thing today to warrant this pain. There is nothing wrong with my damn foot and ankle. Yet it hurts really bad. And it is burning me so bad. Pain is so bad I can’t even describe it. All I know is that I am hurting and want to kill myself. Just everything is dark and gray. I feel so hopeless. I know I am never going to get better.

I was talking with an ex-coworker tonight. I missed talking with her and she answered my text. We chatted for a bit and she asked when I was coming back to work. When I said I didn’t know if I could because of my pain, she chimed in that if I stop complaining maybe I would have my job back. I was dumbfounded. I couldn’t believe she would say something so insensitive. My pain is real and I suffer greatly. I don’t know why I suffer the way I do but I do. I got really upset. But then I thought she is ignorant and doesn’t know what I go through every day. She doesn’t know how hard it is going down the stairs or that I have to limit my standing time or I will pay dearly for it. Sure I can suck it up and not complain. But then it will only fuel the demons. I kept quiet about my internal psychological pain for years and where did that get me? Nothing but psych hospitalizations after psych hospitalizations. Lead to cutting and drinking and more hospitalizations. So when I can finally express myself, why should I keep my physical pain inside? That is one of the reason why people kill themselves because people don’t know just how bad their pain hurts them. That is why people see their doctors only to get turned away because their pain doesn’t show up on any test. My x-rays and MRI shows there is nothing physically wrong with me. Yet my pain is real and it hurts really bad right now. So bad I am thinking of taking my life. So how can that be made up? How can it be held inside? The longer I keep it to myself the deeper it grows. They say that if you swear after stubbing a toe it lessens the pain. Well no matter much I swear, there is no lessening of this pain. I must rely on pain medication to help me deal with my pain. I wish it worked on my psychological pain but it doesn’t. Nothing helps my psychological pain. When both flares up (physical and psych) I am in the deepest waters struggling to stay afloat. Sometimes I am successful and sometimes I am not. When I am not, someone comes by with a dinghy and I stay afloat.

I think my foot hurts just because it wants to. I think that I have been in pain for so long it doesn’t know what else to do but hurt me. And that causes my demons to worse and give me self doubt that this is all in my head. My therapist thinks that because of PTSD I have to be treated for my pain for my own safety. That if I am not treated, my PCP might as well just sign my death certificate. She is partially right. But I have a high pain tolerance and I haven’t been in this much pain in sometime. I know it is because the weather changes and having Hurricane Arthur pass by didn’t help me much. Plus this whole up 90 degrees and then down to 70 degrees really wrecks havoc on me. That’s a 20 degree difference. It hurts!

I keep looking at my pill bottle and wonder what will happen if I empty it. I have never OD’d on Tylenol before so I am kind of scared that it will cause me liver damage that I will regret. I think that is the only thing saving me from taking the rest of the bottle and hoping for the best. If I had a barbiturate or some other powerful sedating drug handy, I would take it. I just need/want some sleep. It’s 0330. I am glad I don’t have to get up early tomorrow. But I know I am only going to get a few hours of sleep and wake up. Probably wake up at 6 or 7. I might as well wait till 0400 to try and get some sleep. I took two pain pills to try and get me to calm down this pain. I just need it to be a 3 so I can sleep. It is a 7 on a scale of 1-10. I am sure that once I get nice and comfy, I will have to use the bathroom. Never fails. UGH how I hate that.

switch went off…and not in a good way

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Switch went off…and not in a good way

I feel better today but that is likely due to having my menses start. I am not happy about this though I am feeling much better than I was the beginning of the week. I guess you can say the hormone was shift into doomland and the second shift into the light. I swear if this develops into more than discharge, I am going to kill myself or maybe go into the hospital. I can’t, right now anyway, see myself not wearing boxers. The switch (aka menses) always seems to get me back to my senses every time. It kills me and I know as long as it happens, my life is in danger. I can’t be hospitalized because I never know it is because of a hormonal flux. There is no test for it. It usually lasts a few days to a week that I will be horribly suicidal. When I get that way, it hard getting me to try and stick around. My therapist knows to pull out all stops on me to keep me safe. I may act normally, even make plans for the future but I am really trying desperately trying to end my life. But as soon as that first drop of blood happens, poof, all suicidality disappears and all is “normal” again. It is the weirdest thing.

For some reason I cannot seem to read without my glasses on today. Everything appears small without them. Weird.

Apparently my pdoc and I got our times mixed up. Her midday and my midday are not the same. She wanted me to call her at noon while I thought around three. Oh well. We talked and chatted about what was going on. She wants me to call her if I change my mind about the hospital and I will see her on Monday. She said my blog was written “quite eloquently” and couldn’t see the reason why my therapist wanted her to read it. I think she missed the part of the skipping the abilify, which is good as she knows what I am doing. I am not psychotic but today. We did talk about the transgender stuff and the self hate that was fuelling my suicidality. I still wish I killed myself on Tuesday.

After the cup of nice coffee I had, I feel nervous in a bad way. It could just be that I am withdrawing. I haven’t had a pain medicine since last night. I am in pain now but it’s comfortable as it can be. I am not in agony and am trying to lay low as much as possible. I really don’t want to cause a pain flare up and have to take my other medication. I also realized I will be out of meds until NEXT Friday, at least. I won’t be able to fill the prescription until then. This is not going well for me. And I think I got to start taking the abilify as it is stressing me out and I don’t do well with stress. Stress ends up making me psychotic.

I think, if this weekend goes well, I might have the finances to get a script of my abilify. I am going to see if the prescription card my mother gave me works and if it does, then it might be lower than what I am paying now for it. I hope it is because otherwise I am screwed. Two meds, no three meds, I can’t live without, the OCP, pain meds, and the abilify, in that order. And right now, two of those are in jeopardy of running out and me not being able to afford paying for them. I am so screwed.

I called the junk yard as they left me a message this morning about my car. They want to give me $175 for it. YA, no thanks. My car is worth more than that when I saw an ad for Toyotas asking for $300. I just wish I had taken the damn number down to call them after they didn’t answer my email. So I am off looking for another junk place for my car. That will help some of my financial issues for the moment.

Nervous

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Nervous

My idiot therapist wanted me to send my pdoc the blog I wrote yesterday (Dreary Day). Well I sent it to her forgetting that I wasn’t taking my meds. Now I know my pdoc is going to be mad at me because I didn’t tell her first. I am in so much trouble and this was the last thing I needed right now. She is probably going to recommend a psych admission and I am not going to be for it. There is a holiday coming up so there is no way I am going in to do nothing for four days. I can do that at home. Plus I am out of my pain meds. God this sucks. I am running low on my anti psychotic and I am out of my pain meds until Monday when I see my PCP. I feel like I am going crazy.

I took some extra meds to sleep because my toes are on fire and hurt really bad. I took a couple of Neurontin pills and a couple of Ativan. I should be asleep but this nervousness is keeping me awake. I just put some gel on my toes to quiet them down some or I am not getting any sleep until the wee hours of the morning.

I am such an idiot. I don’t know why I sent her that blog. I would have been enough with what I said about thinking of killing myself every day and not caring. I didn’t have to send her the blog. Maybe she didn’t read the blog and I am ok. But my stats show there has been activity on the blog so someone has been reading it. I wish I could track down who reads it, like the location or something but I am not good at that stuff. Gel seems to be working on my toes. Soon as it dries, I am going to sleep. It is going to be a rough few days without taking any pain meds. I hope I can survive. I have never run out before. I do have my really strong meds if I need them. But I don’t want to take it for my “moderate” pain. I will if it gets to be to much. I just hate being in pain and I know this is going to drive up my suicidality.
Bozo, though I have fired her multiple times today, still thinks she is my therapist. She doesn’t want to leave me the hell alone. I would tell my Pdoc off but I am too afraid that she will send the police after me if I do. Bozo has threatened but never has done so. As much as I feel suicidal, I still feel ok to go about my business as usual. No one but my therapist and now my pdoc knows I am suicidal. I like it that way. It gives me freedom to plan my death. I really don’t know what I will do. I thought of OD’g but that is messy. There are so many ways to die but it is so hard to kill the human body. I know, I have tried several times and failed. I am a suicide attempt survivor, what ever that means. It is a relatively new term. I have been using it as a hashtag on twitter when I try and promote my book. I want to die so badly yet I don’t know how and that is frustrating me. I feel like I did when I was a kid and couldn’t figure out how to die. It is so maddening. I have an arsenal of meds at my disposal. Anyone can really do me some harm but I don’t want to do it in my house.

I guess I will talk to the fired therapist tomorrow and see what she has to say about the pdoc knowing about my stupid plan of stretching out my anti-psychotic med. She is not going to be happy with me and I don’t blame her. I just hope she doesn’t section me. Section means that a mental health professional involuntarily hospitalizes you for up to 72 hours at a mental health facility for evaluation. My evaluation would be delayed because of the stupid holiday and I won’t have privileges like to use my headphones or charge my phone. And that will suck. I don’t want to go to the hospital to be babysat. I can be fine at home. I just won’t go out so that I am not tempted to jump in front of moving vehicles or trains. I can be safe with my meds because I don’t want my niece to find me or my mother.

It is so difficult to explain to someone all this. You want the help but at the same time you know that it is useless. It is just so tiring. OMG I don’t believe the baseball game. 16-9. It’s like a football score! Dear holy crist! Thank god I wasn’t watching it. I just kept getting score updates. And I was cursing with every run the Cubs made. Bad time to be a Red Sox fan. They are drowning like I am. But no one sees it. No one sees the struggle I go through every day. Just to take a shower is a hassle. I have to be next to no pain for me to stand 10 mins in the shower. Then quickly dry off and maybe take a nap afterwards because it wore me out. Lately this hasn’t happened but I do get tired and more pain during the day after I push myself. No one understands chronic pain except another person with chronic pain. They know that you have to have rest days in between or you are fucked. That was why I was tied up for three weeks. I couldn’t have a rest day in between and I kept going. I paid for it dearly but not being able to bear weight on my leg for almost three days. It got so bad I thought I would have to go to the ER. But then I remembered I had strong pain pills and that helped greatly. It helped me rest and re-coop.