Tag: suicide ideation

Frustrating day

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, CES, Chronic pain, depression, suicide, suicide attempt

I got the cookie dough that I ordered weeks ago and wanted to make cookies tonight but that didn’t happen. Both of my feet have decided that if I try and stand on them, they will attack me with cramps. So I am again stuck in bed to rest my legs and feet. I sometimes wish I had a TV in my room just to have something to do other than this laptop. I know I can watch movies and such on it and can probably watch HULU episodes of stuff but I like to sit on the couch and watch TV not on my bed. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes I do like to watch a good movie while snuggling with my pillow. But other times I rather watch it in my living room so I can have a snack and drink something without having crumbs in my room.

Had a doc appt that went ok though now he wants me to see a surgeon for my CES issues. I’m scared as I never had to deal with this before and it is an embarrassing issue. It has to deal with the bowel. I no longer have normal function of my bowel since my second CES (Cauda Equina Syndrome) diagnosis. I can have accidents of my bladder as well.

The reason I have been referred to a surgeon is because my farts are causing me to have hemorrhoids and there is some fecal incontinence as well. CES’ers like to call these “Sharts”. I find them killing my dignity and sending me into a suicidal crisis every time I have an accident. It’s not that often, but it has been becoming more frequent with my bowels being more “softer” than they have been. I’m not sure if it is because of the new diet pill I have been taking or what but whatever makes me go poop, I am for it. I usually take Senna for it as it is the only thing that works without horrible stomach cramps.

The loss of dignity is what kills me inside every time I urinate on myself or have a loose bowel or my childhood favorite, skid marks. Those usually happen because I didn’t realize I didn’t stop pooping.

This has been difficult to write and I want you to know this because I think there maybe a few people out there in similar circumstances but think they are alone. Those with this nerve injury are constantly fighting their dignity and what it was to be normal every day of their lives. It take a tremendous effort to get through the day without falling apart every day. Today I couldn’t make cookies and it bummed me out. But tomorrow I can, possibly. Well I hope to before Thanksgiving anyways. I know there are people out there that say make each day count but when you only have so many spoons to deal with, it makes each day harder and harder. What is ok for today might not be that way tomorrow. I know that I stood too long today while talking with my former co-workers and that is why my feet are angry with me.

The bowels are a mess because I don’t go every day. Chronic constipation from medications suck. If I don’t take Senna every day or every other day, I suffer from horrible gas and the wet farts that cause hemorrhoids and make my bottom uncomfortable. And now I have to have someone check my bottom for something or for advice on what to do with this incontinence that I wish I didn’t have. I just hope that it doesn’t cause me to become a suicidal maniac…

No Spoons Today

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain, depression, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, psychache, psychosis, sports, suicide attempt

Started the day with no spoons. I was up most of the night in pain. I woke up very fatigued so decided to take a shower. The shower exhausted me to no end. I just wanted to go back to bed but I so wanted a coffee at Starbucks. I timed the shower and the bus schedule correctly. By the time I was done with my shower and got dressed, the bus was approaching. I got to Starbucks and I didn’t think I was going to have a seat but a lady left just after I ordered my coffee and I swooped in to take her seat. I got the Panama coffee today and it was good. I waited patiently for so long that I got a free drink because the barista forgot my drink after the long line of people. I thought about getting another coffee but I didn’t want to be up all night again. I worked, or tried to, on this paper that is going to be the death of me. I am trying to write this comparison paper and one of the assessments that I am comparing is confusing the hell out of me. I might nix it because it is so complicated. I seriously doubt that this tool will ever be used clinically because of its complication and averages and factors! See, even you are confused as I am writing this…
After racking my brain for an hour, I decided to get some cheeseburgers at McDonalds. And to search for Twinkies. My search didn’t yield any. I hope that I can buy them at Stop and Shop before they sell out. I can’t believe a snack that has been around for more than fifty years is out of business. I still think it’s all because of bad management of funds rather than production. But then, what do I know about the economy? Ziltch!

I have been listening to Taylor Swift for the past hour because Voldemort made a reference to her and Snape. He posted a pic of her in the “Story of Us” and it was pretty funny. He called the post Haylor. I am still cracking up over it. I know he has been the center of my delusions but he is slowly fading, even with the text tweeting. I just find some of it hilarious. Course the text about robbing Twihards houses was a little hard for me but some will find it funny. I seriously thought of just robbing my sister’s house because she was going to the movies. Her cookies would be mine for me to take, hehehe and Halloween candy! LOL I think the vicoden is making me feel goofy right now. I’m still in mega pain but as I tell everyone, if my sense of humor goes, commit me because something serious is wrong with me.

OSU is tied right now. I couldn’t sit watching the game because my ankle pain flared up. I am glad because I would have been swearing at the TV. I have planted seeds to my sisters that I want an OSU and NE hoodies for Christmas. I hope I get them, but if not I will just have to get them myself! I had my cousin get me a Georgetown hoodie. Love it so much. I am a big college football fan. My interest stems from having to watch it every Sat for two and a half months while I was inpatient for depression. That was eighteen years ago. I did not want to make it to see my nineteenth birthday and was determined not to But my plans were foiled after I overdosed. That landed me in the hospital from the beginning of November to the middle of January. I never have spent the holidays in the hospital before. Not a pleasant experience, especially being on a psychiatric unit. But once my birthday had passed, things got easier. I wanted to live and go to college. I applied and got into a medical assisting program. Course today I wish I had decided to go to a university rather than a two year school, but live and learn I guess. I am still only 9 courses short of my bachelor’s degree.

Dark Heart

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, psychache, suicide, suicide attempt

30-Jan-11

Been up the last few hours. I have such a heavy heart that it is ready to kill me. I am haunted by everything that is wrong with my life. Been thinking about my cousin who is now a marine and yet I hardly know because my family drifted apart. It saddens me that I don’t know my “little” cousins anymore. The oldest is engaged and will be married later this year. I feel less a part of their lives with each passing year.

I do not know who I am anymore. Last night in a fit of torment I threw down the gauntlet and told my ptx that I will die this weekend. I so wish I could act on these feelings. The brokenness inside kills me every night. The sorrow that is deep within my chest shall never be revealed nor relieved in any such way. I am just a freak who is suffering silently with only these words to fall on silent blogs. I only wish to end this daily torture. Animals are treated more humanly than human beings. It has been said that you control your own life and happiness. Well my happiness lies beneath the earth or as a pile of ash. I do not care what remains of my bodily essence. My consciousness is what is the death of me. I am not truly dying a slow death but am only being tortured every minute I dare to breath. This can’t be what life is about. To go on suffering just so others do not feel your loss. I have snapped and I don’t know if there is any coming back. I want to put a plastic bag over my head and die of asphyxia. Yes it may be painful but once that last breath is gone, I shall be free

suicide notes

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, psychache, suicide, suicide attempt

I found my note that I wrote about a year ago, maybe more. It was also my will as I stated what to do with my things after I had passed. It was creepy finding it. I forgot I had written it. I know that I have another “note” that I borrowed from Night falls fast by Kay Redfield Jamison. It adequately depicts my struggle with depression and states how sorry I am that I had to choose this way. It reads:
“Do not grieve for me. My nerves are shot and for the last year I have been in agony day and night, except when I sleep with sleeping pills, and any peace I have by day is when I am drugged by pills.
I have had a wonderful life but it is over and my nerves get worse and I am afraid they will have to take me away. So please forgive me, all those I love and may god forgive me too but I cannot bear the agony and it is best for everyone this way.
NO ONE IS TO BLAME. I have wonderful friends and they do all the can for me, including my care treaters (AE and LP). I have tried very hard all I know for a year and it gets worse inside, so please take comfort in knowing I will not suffer anymore.”

I have been going over my journal and keep finding all that I have been going through the past three years. I honestly have no idea why I am still alive. According to this journal written in 2009, I should be dead. But I am not. I guess that is a miracle some how but I still don’t want to live. Yet I do. Next to this suicide note is my crisis response plan. VERY IRONIC.