Tag: suicide ideation

Editing Complete and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Editing Complete

I spent a couple hours inputting the edits/changes to my book. Now I just need to write seventy-five pages to complete the book. This is if I don’t kill myself between now and the next month. I planned another date but I have therapy tomorrow so it might be curtailed. Because the holidays are next month and my next paycheck will be after the holidays, I won’t be able to see my therapist like I had hoped. I might be able to see her the week of my birthday but that will be it. I just can’t afford gifts and Zipcars.

I had a cup of tea and I think it’s causing me to not be sleepy. I did take my pain meds a little while ago so I am hoping I will sleep soon. I really don’t want to talk to my therapist. I didn’t ask for this session so I think it’s unfair that she has set this upon me. I am going to really rip into her for doing this.

I feel like this book is my second memoir as it’s mostly about my psychotic experiences. I did have some really cool delusions. It was fun to write about them, but I am sure it wasn’t fun while I was going through them. It’s usually very scary and I distrust those closest to me until the meds kick in and then I am in my “right” mind again. It was strange as I had written about my traumatic experience that brought me into therapy while listening to a song written by Taylor Swift that I swear represents my father to a T. I had it on repeat and while going through this one story, I was remembering the feelings of that night that I had written about. I couldn’t believe just how threatening my father was that night. It was then that I realized he was just a man.

If there is a song that I really love, I usually send some lyrics to my therapist. I really love Sam Hunt’s song “make you miss me”, but I can’t send her the lyrics to that one because she will have the police at my door if she can’t get in touch with me. The lyrics are powerful and I love them. I have the song on repeat right now because I want to sing the damn song without messing up on certain parts. It’s always towards the end of the song, I screw up. I will get it one of these days.

Facebook had “suggested” a publishing page for a Neil Gaiman book. I have it on Kindle but this was a leather bound book and it looked really cool. I clicked on it to see how much it was and it was fucking $100! No thanks! I will stick to my Kindle version. It had an excerpt from the book and now I am kind of nervous to read it because it talked about monsters. I don’t like scary books. His American Gods book had me freaked out. Took at least a week for me to get the images out of my head when people in the book were gruesomely killed or something weird happened. He is a brilliant writer but on the very weird side. I wanted to get his new book Troll Bridge but it’s a graphic novel. I don’t know what that means but I am guessing it is not my cup of tea. I have yet to go to the bookstore to look at it. I think that is what I am going to do from now on with his books. Not buy them until I physically look at them. Then I can decide if I want them or not. He is coming out with a mythology book in Feb. That one I would love to have, if I make it that long.

I feel like being suicidal is like living with cancer or something terminal. You just never know when you are going to die by your own hands. It could be tomorrow or it could be next week. I guess it just depends on guts. But survivor guilt has been killing me from going through with it at times. I know it will break my mother’s heart and that of my family, especially my nieces and nephew. Then I got my stupid therapist’s guilt trip whenever I bring it up. She is just expressing her feelings on the matter, which I don’t always take into consideration. I try to block them out because it’s just easier that way but then I really think about what I am doing and it stops the suicide plan and gives me some time. I hate this because I just want to fucking die because I can’t stand being in physical pain anymore.

If you have been reading my blogs the last few months, you may know that I talk about my suicidality a lot. It’s such a hard decision that can’t be taken lightly. Ambivalence is always the deciding factor. I think the statistics for suicide would be a lot higher if people weren’t ambivalent about taking their lives, mine included. Sometimes suicide is a rash decision. But for those with chronic suicidality, it really is based on being ambivalent and hopeful or hopeless about things that either keep you alive or make you want to take your life. With me, appointments with my therapist, as much as she pisses me off, gives me a kind of hope to make it through the day or the week. My psychiatrist is the same because I know she cares about me deeply. We have been working together for more than 20 years so I hope she does care about me after all this time. Next year will be our 25th anniversary. Hard to believe. That is if I am able to make it through the next month or so. Things are not looking good so far. I know I have said this a few times over the last few months and I am still here. One day, I will make good on my promise to end my life, or at least try to. It’s a tricky business trying to kill a human being. I have learned my lesson over the years. You would think that would stop my suicidal tendencies but it hasn’t. I guess I am just destined to dream of killing myself and hope one day it comes true.

another day filled with pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Another day filled with pain

I didn’t sleep well last night. I was waking up every 2 hours. I wanted to help my mother with doing something around the house and then go to Starbucks but dammit, I couldn’t get my motor started for nothing. Then I figured I would help and make coffee. That didn’t work either. I stayed in bed the whole day. Meanwhile, my foot has been throbbing like a SOB.

I am really pissed at myself for not getting up. It’s been like this all week. I think I am depressed as I have no motivation to do anything. I really wanted to go into town and see where the building was for the CBT therapist I see on Monday. Now it will have to be Monday when I check the place out. Least they have a Starbucks at the corner I can get my espresso as I won’t be going by the Square.

My mother was disappointed in me because I didn’t help her. I feel bad. She made dinner and I really didn’t like it. It was tilapia and a baked potato. I didn’t like the fish. It tasted funny. I only had half a potato and then retreated back to my room. All I ate today was Oreos and milk. That was my breakfast. Then I went off into dreamland.

Next week when I see my psych, I am going to ask if I can increase the Zoloft. I think I need a minor adjustment. I have been on the same dose for a while now and I just keep slipping off the edge more than I was before. I know it’s not going to help my pain or suicidality but it might help the other stuff. If it helps me feel a little better, maybe I can get things done. I made a real mess in my room when I went into my alcove to get my spare desk lamp. Just looking at it makes me sick. But I don’t have the energy to clean it because I just get so overwhelmed. I still need to move stuff away from my window so my brother in law can remove the AC. I’d do it today but it’s really windy and kind of rainy so I need to wait for it to be a better day. Maybe the weekend will be better.

I need to call my aunt to wish her a happy birthday. I am kind of nervous about it because I haven’t talked to her since my father passed away, and it wasn’t a good experience. She was crying really bad and it was hard for her to talk because of the Parkinson’s. I will never forget the noises she was making. It was awful.

I have been thinking about my father’s side of the family all week, well, least in my dreams, literally. Nearly every time I dream, I dreamt about my cousins or aunt or my father. I guess I miss them very much. I wish I was able to go to my cousin’s birthday party last Saturday. But I was in pain and it was not a good idea for me to be driving, especially as I really never been to the place before.

I don’t know if it’s the stupid time difference or what, but every night around 1730, I just want to take my night meds and go to sleep. It’s way too early for me to be taking my meds at that hour. Last night I took it a little past 1900, which is early for me. I couldn’t help it. I have been so tired lately. I know part of it is because I haven’t been on a sleeping schedule of any sort all week and pain has been fucking things up. I just hate it when I sleep all day and up all night deal.

I’m really fed up with being in pain every single bloody day. I just can’t cope anymore. I don’t have any reserves left. And I can’t help thinking that I should have killed myself last week when I had the fucking chance. It was a low pain day and I could have possibly walked to my destination. I’ll never forgive myself for not going through with it. I am so mad.

ASAD: Acute Suicidal Affective Disturbance

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

ASAD: Acute Suicidal Affective Disturbance

http://www.mdedge.com/clinicalpsychiatrynews/article/100017/depression/aas-acute-suicidal-affective-disturbance-proposed

I read the above article with interest. One of my Twitter buddies shared it with me and wanted my opinion on it. I think that it is right on queue and I hope that Dr. Joiner eventually sees this as a diagnosis. But I worry that if the stigma of suicide is not dealt with, it might just be an admitting diagnosis and thus cause more harm than good.

According to the criteria lined out, I meet this diagnosis, though at this time, I am unable to rule out whether a medical condition or conditions exclude the diagnosis. There have been many a times that while I am in excruciating pain, this condition is activated and I am acutely suicidal. The only thing that has saved me from actually making an attempt on my life is that I physically cannot walk and have refused to kill myself in my own home. Then in the morning (most of these attacks have occurred in the midnight hours), I no longer feel so suicidal.

It used to be that what I would call a “switch” would be activated and I would be suicidal until I fell asleep. Now I know that it’s this disturbance that occurs and it makes sense to me. But in every suicidal occurrence that has happened over the past two years, it has been because of physical pain or some kind of dissociative state brought on by physical pain. Very rarely has it occurred solely with psychache or psychological pain. Granted not every episode is psychache free and physical pain free. I will have what Shneidman calls the three Ps, Psychache, Perturbation, and Press as well as physical pain that causes me to be severely suicidal. These nights, I swear to myself I will end my life the next day when I can walk again. Fortunately, I don’t feel as suicidal the next day because I had a few hours or more of respite from these kinds of pain and perturbation. That isn’t to say that I won’t be activated the next night or come up with a suicidal plan to end my life the following day. These plans are usually a few weeks away to give me time to think things over and essentially put off today what can be done tomorrow. These plans have also given me time to work through my feelings and usually by the time that date comes, I no longer feel suicidal enough to go ahead with the plan.

Suicidality is a tricky business and not everyone’s suicidality is the same. What triggers my suicidality might not trigger someone else’s. There are mitigating factors that might be similar in nature like the criteria states but I would love to see the data in the context of ruling this a diagnosis. Just because I find this disturbance fits my suicidality, doesn’t mean that it will someone else’s and that is the difficulty with the nomenclature I think Joiner talks about in his article.

Hang Over

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Hang Over

I got a Neurontin hang over because I took a lot of it last night to help with the pain as I am low on my pain meds. I also took a lot to help me sleep through the night. Now I am on my second cup of coffee to help clear the cobwebs.

Today is my sister’s birthday. I wrote her a sentimental note and placed it in the card. We are going out for dinner tonight. My mother’s back is hurting so I am hoping she can make it. It would be good to have the family together. Course, this is the first of many birthdays without my father so I know it’s going to be weird. I have been thinking about him a lot today.

One of the clinicians that I know on Twitter sent me a response to my upsetting chat blog. He gave me an article to read and would like my insights into it. I read the article with interest though it was hard to do with this hang over I have. I told him I would write a blog about it because 140 characters are too short for my response. I am still thinking of a response, but I had a question for the psychologist that the article is about. I am waiting for a response before I write a blog.

The game of taking my foot in and out of the covers is still going on. It is so annoying. Half the time I am waking up with my foot frozen. I need to get the AC out of my room so it can be a little warmer. And for some reason, I had the ceiling fan going. That helped my foot a whole lot, NOT. I hate when my feet get so cold and then warm up because it’s like going through the process of freezer burn. It warms up and then it hurts like a SOB. I can’t win.

I have the appointment with the NP for my pain management. I hope that my psychiatrist has emailed her. Otherwise, I fear that it’s going to be another status quo appointment. I am going to ask that the order be changed to how I take it. And I am going to ask for the 2 extra pills a day to help ease my pain. Four pills a day just isn’t cutting it. I am really nervous about speaking up about this. I am terrified of her saying no to my request or saying that a MD needs to change the order, which means I need to wait another damn month. I have decided I won’t wait the month. I am in too much pain as it is and dealing with another month of this bullshit because she is an NP and not an MD is just ridiculous. I am tired of dealing with stupidity around my meds and not being heard.

My therapist wanted to know the outcome of the appointment via text. I just texted telling her I won’t be texting her tomorrow, regardless of how it goes down. I just don’t care or give a shit anymore. I tried to convey this to her yesterday when we had our appointment and it fell on deaf ears. She is another one that doesn’t hear me, but she knows the severity of my suicidality so there is some cause for concern.

In the article that I read today, which I post a full blog about, it was talking about suicide being its own diagnosis, specifically as an acute suicidal affective disturbance. I unfortunately, fall into the criteria for it but my only saving grace (so far) has been that I haven’t been able to walk to my destination of choice to kill myself. The criteria does exclude some stuff but not medical conditions, such as chronic physical pain. This is the information I am waiting on before I write my thoughts on this new diagnosis they are proposing.