I woke up this morning to police at my door. Apparently someone called the cops on me after they read one of my blogs last night. I don’t know which one and the police wasn’t kind enough to tell me who the caller was. I am wicked pissed off.
This blog used to be a place where I shared my inner most thoughts and feelings and now it has been turned against me. I have no other place to tell my demons to. And thanks to some caring jerk off, I can never talk about my suicidal feelings again. I don’t know what this blog will be about. I wish the coward would step forward and at least tell me their fucking name.
I accused someone falsely from my Facebook page. She was the reason I left my other blog. I don’t know how she found me again. If you are reading this, I apologize. I have deleted my Facebook page because I know they have a “suicide alert” system in place. I have no idea if WordPress has it. I still have no idea how the police found me or under what name. Doesn’t matter now. My family knows that I have been thinking about ending my life now. They will be watching me like a hawk.
I have been crying all day from the betrayal of my own words used against me. It makes me wonder if I should continue to write. This was my past time and now it’s compromised. I am no longer free to say what I want to say. I am restricted in my words, and I don’t mean by word counts. If I do talk freely, I will have to password protect what I write. I hate doing that because it restricts people from reading.
My therapist came back from vacation. She went to Ireland as she brought me back a spoon. It’s becoming our thing. We talked about a lot of things. I gave her my sauce and she wanted to eat it right then and there. She is too funny.
We didn’t talk about my suicidality, but we did talk about how my pain and the voices are contributing to it. I still need to page my psychiatrist so I can get some more trilafon. She encouraged me to page her though I am a little hesitant as it’s not an “emergency”. I just emailed her again. If I don’t get a response, I will page her tomorrow. I still have enough to last me the week.
My therapist doesn’t want me to kill myself in September because it’s a special month for her. I suppose I could wait till October. The weather is bound to be cooler then and maybe I can get some kind of suicide note out of the way. It will give me time to think of what I want to do with my stuff. I think it’s unfair that I am made to wait a month when I want to end my life so badly. She just doesn’t get how miserable I am.
I talked about the psychologist that was being a jerk to me yesterday. I explained what his thoughts were and she agreed with me that he was being an idiot. I don’t know why I follow him. Just for a laugh, I suppose.
We also talked about my other friend on Twitter. She asked if I met him yet. I told her no and I am not so sure I want to meet him because he is a therapist. He is a little looney but that is okay. I find him interesting and funny. I guess I don’t want to be disappointed with seeing him in real life versus what I imagine him to be like.
It’s funny that we kind of talked in circles all through out our session. Not really focusing on any issues. She did ask about my pain and I told her the situation with my pain meds. I have technically 9 days of meds and I don’t get a refill for 14. This is because I have had to increase the meds to get relief. I am no longer taking 1 pills at a time. I think I am taking around 6 pills a day when I am allotted only 4. That is when I am having a bad day. Lately, I haven’t had that much pain so I think it will even out. But I can’t control flare ups. I guess if I do have another flare, I will have to take the strong pills and risk my bowels being shut off for a few days, despite taking senna. It’s all the give and take of the pain syndrome. All the more reason why I rather kill myself now while I can possibly walk to my destination than not.
The drive there wasn’t too bad and I made it on time back. I didn’t hit traffic and listened to country tunes the whole way singing along. It was fun driving. I am glad I don’t have a car for daily use as traffic annoys me.
Just got a response from my psych about my meds: “yes”. I don’t know what that means. I hope it means she will call it in. Why do docs have to be so damn cryptic?
This song has been in my head the past few days. It’s a song by Matchbox20.
I got notification of my grocery delivery won’t be delivered until after 2000. Sucks. I hate late deliveries. I just hope that I won’t be too tired. I made coffee today so I didn’t go out. It’s hot out anyways. There is a cloudy overcast so it’s not really sunny but it’s not cloudy either but it’s really bright. I hate bright days.
I listened/watched the ballgame that was playing. We lost 2-1. I was bullshit because if they didn’t have bad base running, we probably would have gone to extra innings. But the bats were silent so we didn’t get shit and lost the game.
Last night I was in a tough spot. Voices were driving me up a damn wall and so I reached out to a friend on Twitter. He shared with me a song called Topeka by Ludo and it really resonated with me so I bought the single. I thought about buying the album because I really liked the music but then I didn’t know too much about the group and if the rest of the songs sucked, I would be out money. It happens sometimes that there is on good song on an album and then the rest suck and then you are stuck with the rest of the CD. Happened to me more times and I just learned to pick and choose.
I was kind of suicidal last night. Pain was a huge factor. I had got all nice and cozy in bed when my ankle said fuck you, you aren’t sleeping. I took my pain meds like two hours before hand so I couldn’t take anymore, unless I wanted to take my strong pain pill. I didn’t want to because my bowels have been so messed up all week and I am just getting them back on track. So I bitched on Twitter my low mood and was cursing the world about my pain. I swear if it wasn’t after 2200, I probably would have gone to my spot and tried to kill myself last night. I swear I am getting closer and closer to doing it. I wrote to my therapist and told her she was basically useless in trying to stop me this time. And there is no stopping me this time. I told her I would understand if she didn’t want to see me anymore. It would hurt but she will be better off in the end.
Another song that keeps coming to my head is Daughtry’s song “No Surprise”. I really have to make an effort in there being no surprise that I kill myself. That is why I am working on the explanations of dying. I still have time, I think. I knew I would wake up in a better mood so I didn’t bother to email my psychiatrist. I was planning on paging her today about the trilafon situation. I am going to run out some time next week if she doesn’t call in another script and there is no way I can refill the script the way it is written. It would be too soon. I am so frustrated.
I need to change my stupid sheets this weekend. It’s always such a hassle because stuff accumulates on my bed and I have to take the shit off to change the bedding. I hate changing the sheets because I always hurt my back and it takes a day or two to recover. Last time it went fairly well because I was quick. But this time I need to wash the comforter so I need to place a blanket in it’s place until it’s washed and dried. Not my favorite chore to do.
Yesterday as I was feeling frivolous, I bought a membership to the Museum of Fine Arts in Boston. There is a Frida Kahlo exhibit coming up in the middle of Sept that I really want to see. It might take me a few visits to see everything because of my leg/ankle. I didn’t want to have to keep spending $25 a pop per visit so I figured a membership would do the trick. Plus it’s good for at least a year and I can go see other exhibits. My favorite ones are the Egyptians. I haven’t been to the museum in years. I remember the last time I was there, I got lost trying to get out. It must have taken me an hour walking around before I found the exit. That was before my back surgeries. I really miss walking around places. Don’t take it for granted. You never know when it’s going to be taken from you.
midnightdemons7 
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