Tag: suicide

Voices and Other Musings

by Midnight Demon, posted in mood disorders, psychosis

I don’t know why I am writing this as I am very tired and want to go to sleep. Except the voices are having conversations in my head about things. Some stuff I can decipher, others I cannot. It is very annoying. I wish they would just go away and let me be but they are not so accommodating.

I have lowered my dose of my antipsychotic because I was having side effects. I don’t think I can go back up without my doc’s ok. I just need a little time to adjust to this dose and I am hoping the voices will go away. Something tells me this is just wishful thinking. I really don’t want to go back into the hospital. I won’t have my music to listen to and having music with me calms me down. I will get agitated if I don’t have music, and well, you don’t really want to have a meltdown on a psych unit. It is not pleasant. I guess as long as I am not feeling paranoid I am doing ok. But then, there isn’t much interaction with people I don’t know. I am grounded in my house because my funds for Starbucks have ended. I can’t have my coffee until next week when my paycheck gets in. It’s just as well because I think the caffeine might have had something to do with the tremors I was experiencing. I have been ok the past few days but I still get the feelings like my arms are like stretched out elastics. I know that is a little of the dyskinesthia I experience. I am also worried that this feeling is going to drive me nuts more than the voices will.

In case you are just reading my blog for the first time, I have been hearing voices since the age of 5. They started off as imaginary friends but have always stayed with me growing up. The voices have changed over the years. My latest new voices have an English accent. I think that was because I was preoccupied with England for a time. They have gone away but sometimes still creep back. I also have experienced paranoia while on the bus. I thought it was anxiety but if anxiety caused paranoia than why would I think one of the passengers were going to harm me in some way. I have not been taking the bus that often anymore because of this.

Sometimes I have delusions. When I was younger I had delusion that I was living on the holodeck on the Enterprise. I created this other life that I still somewhat believe today. Or I wish it still existed. Lately my delusions are related to the type of voice I hear. If the voice says he is Allah I will have religious types of delusions. Usually these new voices are often commanding voices (they tell me to do things) and always lead to a hospitalization. I don’t know why voices are an automatic reason for getting hospitalized. I just know that I could be ok otherwise but soon as I say I have voices that are not controlled, they put me in the hospital. It drives me nuts, no pun intended. Other delusions that I have had in the past centered around my coworkers conspiring to fire me or have me fired by planting devices in my email. I felt like every move I made was being watched and every email I sent was being monitored. Usually, it would center around one person. And eventually, I became fearful of this person though I had no real reason to be. When I seriously asked my coworker if she was going to kill me, she gave me a crazed look like “you kidding me”? I then knew that it was just my illness talking and that it wasn’t real.

The hard part about dealing with psychosis is that your view of reality becomes blurred. You often don’t know what is real and what is not. There was a good period of time when I thought God was always watching me and that I had to watch what I was doing so not to offend him. These feeling persisted even when no one was in the room with me, I still felt his presence and it was not a good feeling. I felt like I was constantly being watched and the voices helped to confirm my suspicions. It wasn’t until I started on the drug olanzapine that all this went away. For the first time in my life, I felt free. But then out of fear of me getting diabetes, my psychiatrist took me off this drug. I was fearful that this paranoia was going to come back but it has been over ten years since being off that drug and so far I am still free from that type of paranoia. I often wonder how other people react when someone tells them that God is all around them. For me, I ended up with paranoia for most of my childhood and early adulthood. And it all stopped by taking medication. I was on other anti-psychotics at this time, but none of them took care of that presence I felt all the time. It feel good knowing you don’t have to always watch over your shoulder. That is why I am fearful that I might have to stop this medication. I haven’t had any symptoms since Monday and I hope it stays that way. Maybe it was just a little hypoglycemic attack (low blood sugar). But that still doesn’t explain why I had symptoms later that night AFTER I ate a good meal. It doesn’t make sense.

I see my psychiatrist tomorrow. I hope she has answers for me that doesn’t include me being taken off my medication. So far she has not responded to the emails I sent her so I am hoping that by reducing the dose, I am doing the right thing. But in doing so, I hope that doesn’t mean it’s also open season on a voice attack and that paranoia will start coming back. I am just fearful of this happening. But I think if she really wanted me off this medication, she would have responded and told me so.

baseball and a suicide

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, blogging, suicide

I just realized it has been a long time since I wrote about baseball. A lot has been going on in the baseball world, mostly centered on one stupid, arrogant, idiotic player. For those that are in the US, you got it. I am Talking about A-Rod or Alex Rodriguez. I like to call him other things as this F***er is destroying the sport and I am not happy that despite his suspension, he still continues to play. THEN he gets beaned by one of MY pitchers and he gets suspended. Did this pitcher appeal? NO. He took it like a man and that was that. This punk (A_ROID) used PED (Performance enhancing drugs) after the MLB (Major League Baseball) ban on them and is still allow to play because he is fighting his appeal. I really hope that he get screwed big time and has to pay back the money he is getting paid for the games he has played. He is a loser and has been since he became a Yankee. I do not feel bad for him in the least and I hope that he becomes banned from baseball.

On another note, my heart has been heavy since learning of a suicide of one the actors from the TNT show Rizzoli and Isles. He has to be the what fourth actor to die in the last few months by suicide. He was African-American and only 29 years old. I don’t know how they are going to write his character now. I feel for his fellow actors and actresses and the rest of the crew. It really comes to mind the song “how do you get so lonely, and nobody knows”. A fellow blogger posted that song the other day and it reminded me of the lyrics to this song. I can’t think of the name of the person that sings it right now. He was popular for this song only. I don’t think the artist has made an album since this song. He is another one hit wonder.

The actor I am talking about is Lee Thompson Young. He played Detective Barry Frost. I loved his character. I just wonder why he didn’t reach out and get help. I guess we will never know as there was no suicide note found. Not like that makes a huge difference. A suicide is a suicide. He was handsome and talented. And yet he felt, I am assuming, in so much pain. Maybe there was another reason. No one will ever know. As far as I do know, there were no drugs involved. Not like that will matter when you think about suicide. People I think, in my honest opinion, would rather have the drugs or alcohol as a scapegoat to killing oneself to make them feel better. It helps to blame the drugs/alcohol more than anything else because even though no one is to blame for a suicide, people still think it was their fault when it happens. That if they just talked a little more to the person, asked questions, or did something different they could have prevented the person from killing themself. I don’t know if anyone knew he was depressed. I have been going over the suicide blogs on WordPress to see if anyone wrote about this. And one person just chocks it up to the race and the downside of how blacks are killing themselves. I don’t know it is true. I know what the statistics show. So this case fits perfectly within the statistical model of suicide. Yay, does that do anything to help his family? I doubt it.

You know you’re having a bad day when

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, CES, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, physical pain, suicide

You know you’re having a bad day when…

You know you’re having a bad day when you wake up and a half hour later you are in severe pain. I just can’t believe my foot acted up. But then, this has been happening for the last few weeks. I can’t stand it anymore. I lose sleep because I am in pain and then when I do wake up, I am in pain again? It’s not fair! Usually my day time hours I am in manageable pain. It has gotten to the point where I don’t even notice it anymore. Now all that has changed. I don’t know if something else is going on with my foot, if I did something to cause it to be this way or if it is just nerve damage. I don’t really care of the cause, I just want pain relief. Luckily taking pain meds in the morning are working but it leaves me exhausted the rest of the day, even with a cup of coffee. Though my Starbucks funds are running low, I won’t be going there soon until my next pay period. I guess I over indulged when I bought myself some treats. Can’t help it. I love their coffee cakes.

Yesterday I was reading my support group email and a friend was telling the group how you need to mourn the loss of your old self as you are never getting back to it. Then a fellow blogger wrote the same sentiments about her illness and how disabled she felt but didn’t realize how much of herself had gone by the way side since becoming ill. She was crying as a way to mourn that loss. It got me thinking…maybe I am so suicidal because my grief is just too great. I got CES, Cauda Equina Syndrome, at the age of 25. It is a syndrome of nerve damage caused by compression of the cauda equina nerves, the horses tail, that is at the end of the spinal cord. These nerve control the function of everything below the waist, from leg movement, to going pee and having a bowel movement, to sexual function. It also controls sensation and proprioception, the awareness of where your legs and feet are. Once this is gone, your balance is affected. You might lose control of one or both your legs. You might not walk correctly anymore.

I have been through a lot the past year and a half. I have been diagnosed with a nerve condition called complex regional pain syndrome (CRPS), which is the chief source of my foot/ankle/leg pain. It is caused by already damaged nerves and aren’t I the lucky one to get both conditions. Since I have been diagnosed, I have been really depressed. I know there is no treatment other than opioid therapy. Though I have been in therapy with the same therapist for the last twelve and a half years, I still have not thought how much these conditions have affected my life until now. I no longer can work. At one time I was working three jobs. Now I can barely do one. Before going on disability, I was working two jobs. I wasn’t happy. Both jobs were stressful and caused me sometimes sleepless nights. But then I sprained my ankle and everything started to go down hill after that. I couldn’t figure out why the ankle, which should have healed in the allotted time, was still causing me pain. Why my leg still had swelling, why my foot and ankle were swollen. It didn’t make any sense. I saw one doctor after another. Podiatrist, orthopedists, physiatrists, neurologists. None could give me a clue until the symptoms became worse and a picture of CRPS started to emerge. By that time, I was having difficulty working both jobs. I ended up going to the emergency room in severe pain, pain that was causing me to think of suicide as a solution to end it because nobody could help me. I went to physical therapy and they were the ones to notice I wasn’t walking correctly. My foot does this swing thing that pulls at muscles it’s not supposed to while I walk, but only does so when I become fatigued. Which, one physical therapist showed, happens very quickly. And that is because I never regained my strength in my foot after getting CES. I never thought that at the age of 36 I would be disabled. And it hurts. Not having the social support of my coworkers anymore hurts. Not having contact with people outside of my family hurts. My friends that I thought would always be there are there no longer. They all went on with their busy lives and stopped texting and calling to see how I was doing. I don’t blame them. But I do miss them.

I guess when I have had uncontrollable sobbing episodes it was because of my grief that I have been avoiding all this time. I don’t know how to deal with it. I never thought that I would be in mourning. I never thought that I would lose my job because I couldn’t walk anymore. I still am able to walk just not for long distances. I can’t stand for more than twenty minutes without pain. I used to be able to do so much and now I can’t do anything. And because I am not financially stable. I can’t even go back to school while I ponder what my next move is. College is too expensive for me to afford. Even at the state school. I know I should put some time into getting a grant or something but I wonder if I am too “old” to get it. I have had to put my college education on hold because of my mental illness back in 2008 and I have not returned to school since then. But then I am not sure I can walk around campus and do the stairs like I used to. There is a lot of loss in my life on a very personal level. How do you mourn the loss of your functions? How do you get used to not doing something as “simple” as walking. I have had to relearn to walk again twice in my life. How many people can say that?

It makes me angry at times. I guess that is why I have been having fits of anger for no reason. I will just be in my room playing on my laptop or writing when all of a sudden these waves of anger will wash over me. I guess it is all part of the grieving process. And isn’t one of them denial?

Chronic Pain and Living

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression, suicide attempt, suicide attempt survivor

I have tried to take my life several times over the years. Currently, I am struggling with the difficulties of trying to stay alive. I keep coming up with plans to end my life. I give myself a date and when that day comes, I plan on ending it. This has been going on for a few years now. My therapist has been able to stop the constriction by telling me how my family will feel and how she will feel if I go ahead and take my life. I can’t help making these plans.

I have been depressed for as long as I can remember. I recently been trying to get at the “root” of my suicidality but the feelings evade me. I just know that between the ages of 5 and 8 something happened that made me want to take my life. And by age 10 I tried by putting a pillow case over my head. No one knew about this. I told my mother right before putting the pillow case I was going to kill myself but she did nothing. My confidence in her dwindled that day. I felt I could no longer trust her.

Five years later I am a freshman in high school and my parents had started World War III. They broke up and so did my wrist. I started cutting to relieve the pressure and pain. I used cutting to relieve the psychological pain that I was feel and it became my friend over the next seven or so years. Sixteen I was hospitalized and everyone found out about the voices. That was tough. I had wanted to join the military to get away from my family but having a psychotic diagnosis, I knew that I never would pass their tests. My career was over before it started and I fell into a worse depression. I kept on getting rehospitalized, like every three months, because I just couldn’t handle my life. I was getting worse and the suicidality was getting better. I kept on thinking that I was the end.

As I suffer from delusions and psychosis, two years ago, I had a funny thing happen. I had the delusion and voice of Allah tell me that I should sacrifice myself so that the war in Afgan would stop. As you probably could tell, I was off my meds again. My psychiatrist doesn’t think that I should be on them all the time because of the side effects. I had to re-start taking them because I was the sacrificial lamb and I believed all this earnestly. Allah was talking to me and I was the cause of the war of Afganistan. The only way to stop the war was to stop my life. So again I planned another scheme to end my life. Only this time, like before, my therapist stopped me. I tried very hard to get her to see that it had to be done and to think of all the soldiers I would save by ending my life. It seemed like a good win win. Sacrifice one life so all could be saved. Isn’t that what the military does? Allah was not too happy when I started again on my meds. He was very angry. And he also wanted me to end my life anyway because it was better than taking medication. I agreed with him on this but I couldn’t end my life. By this time I was back in the hospital. I was still delusional, thinking I was still the “one” to save it all. But as the medication started working, the delusions dropped and I began to see more clearly. The voices went away except for my regular voices that I hear all the time.

Since that time, a lot has changed for me. I have become disabled and am in chronic physical pain. I now too have a plan on killing myself and it is to happen some time this year. I have had enough. No pill can adequately control my pain and it is a tough position to live in. I have a condition known as Complex Regional Pain Syndrome (CRPS). It is a neurological disorder in which the nerves are out of whack and no one really knows the cause. I was “lucky” in that I had nerve damage already to my ankle and then when I sprained it, twice, I think it allowed the nerve damage to spread. Of course I also don’t walk correctly. I can stand here and give a lecture about pain and suicidal but I am afraid it will fall on deaf ears or not really reach the people it needs to reach. I wish you could say that you can live your life with chronic pain but I would be lying. There was a time when I was able to. I had adequate pain control and could work a full time job. That ended when instead of being placed on a regular psych unit, I was placed in a detox unit and my pain medication was stopped. Since that time in 2002, I have not had adequate pain control and I am afraid to ask. I have my pain meds but it only treats the physical type of pain that I experience. It doesn’t help with the burning sensation or the other electrical type pain that I experience. And nothing helps these types of pain. No cream or pain gel works. It might be enough to take the edge off so I can sleep but I am always in a 3-4 state of pain every single day and when my activity goes up, showering, getting dressed, walking to the bus stop or standing while waiting for the bus, then the pain also goes up. Sometimes all it takes is my moving my big toe and I am in pain. And with each episode, I think about death. I plan it, I imagine it, I dream of it. I no longer am able to work because I can’t walk more than 300 ft. I can’t lift things greater than 10 lbs. I can’t stand more than 20 minutes. And I am only 37. I got this horrendous condition when I was 25. It was a long battle and I wish that I could say that not working is helping me. In some ways it does. It helps me to write and distress. My voices are at a lower key than they were when I had a job. I don’t have the delusions as much. I just am constantly suicidal. And maybe one day I will. But as one of the bloggers Toni has written, “I am not living and I can’t die”.