Tag: therapy

Sunday Blog 09082020

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Sunday Blog 09082020

I listened to Hamilton this afternoon. It was so good hearing the songs again. I love that I can listen whenever I want to. I can choose where I can play it to, so I don’t have to pick the beginning if I don’t want to. I am listening to Taylor now. I can’t help it. I was going through withdrawal from not listening to her album. I am starting to know the songs.

Feeling wicked depressed. Just don’t want to be. Gender dysphoria has been flaring up. I hate looking at my face. I hate my chest. I hate me. I feel so rotten. I have no one to talk to about this. My therapist doesn’t want to get into it because I have the upcoming surgery and she wants to deal with the anxiety surrounding that. Bothers me that she feels like she has to fix things all the time. It so annoys me that she wants some coping skill to deal with something in my life. I don’t get it. I feel like she doesn’t want me to talk about things if there isn’t time to talk about it, which is ridiculous because each session can deal with something I bring up. I talk with her on Monday again so maybe I will get some clarification on what she was trying to tell me.

I am listening to “This is me trying” by Taylor. I resonate with this song. It is so good. I have it on repeat for now. It is a short song, like 3 minutes. But the melody and lyrics are so good. There is a lyric where she says “pouring out my heart to a stranger” which I interpret as having to talk to a therapist. I am trying in therapy with doing stuff my therapist says but it is difficult at times to remember to do it. It needs to be practiced like anything else.

I woke up late and had a cup of coffee around 1730. It is supposed to be hot this week. Tues into Wed is supposed to be the hottest. I am going to try and shower early tomorrow morning. I need to shave. I have decided that I am going to keep shaving because I think I look stupid with a beard and having a chest. It bothers me so much. Doesn’t help that I have hair on my chest. I wish I could have top surgery this year but I got to lose weight and I don’t think that it is going to happen. I have been eating pretty normally. Today I ordered a sub and only had half. I couldn’t finish it because I got really full.

I have therapy tomorrow. I want to cancel it. I just think it is hopeless to “go.” I know my therapist won’t let me cancel. She always asks why and I say because it is hopeless. Might as well be honest. I could just say that I have a conflict or something but I am not a bullshitter so I don’t think of these things. I suppose I could text that I have to cancel because of X and maybe she will believe me but I also know she will want to reschedule the date. I don’t know why therapy is so hard for me lately. I know part of it is because it is “virtual” rather than in person. I don’t even know if it is helping. I guess I can ask her tomorrow if I have made any “progress.”

you wrecked my whole world when you came…

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

you wrecked my whole world when you came

The title is from Luke Combs Hurricane song. I have been listening to it on repeat because he got married yesterday to his long time girlfriend. I am so damn happy for him.

I don’t know what is going on with my stomach but I got the fricken runs for the third day in a row. I have been trying to keep up with Powerade but it has been tough trying to drink. I have been trying to drink every twenty minutes or so but I keep forgetting. I think I got to put a timer on so I can stay hydrated. I really don’t want to go to the ED for dehydration.

I had therapy today. She gave me a list of three things to do before our next appointment this week. I know she is concerned now because she is seeing me twice this week. I am to make a playlist, a puppy/kitten slideshow, and eat chocolate. I don’t have chocolate so I will have to buy some when I go to the pharmacy to pick up my prescription. My NP has agreed to put me back on sertraline for now. I just hope it doesn’t make me sick. I figure I have at least two months before the nausea/reflux will start. I haven’t told my therapist yet. I will when I see her on Thurs.

After therapy I went to the Square. I stopped in Starbucks for a drink. I got a cloud caramel macchiato. It was so good. Then I went to the butcher shop to get steak and burgers. If I feel up to it, I will make turkey bacon for my burger. I don’t think I have sandwich pickles anymore. I miss having them for the burgers. I will use dill relish instead. Not the same but close to it.

I have been dealing with a low key depression since therapy. I just feel deflated, like all the air has been sucked out of me. Doesn’t help that I keep having anxiety attacks where I feel like I can’t breathe. I have to remember to breathe by taking deep breaths. One of the mental health Twitter accounts I follow showed the box breathing method that my therapist showed me a few weeks ago. I have been using it on and off. It is kind of tricky because you got to hold the inhale and exhale breaths for four seconds. I half want to take an Ativan to calm myself but I don’t want to be medicated during the day.

Sox are off tonight. They lost last night because of my *favorite* pitcher fucked up a pitch to the fugly Aaron Judge. He was so hot last night. He hit two homeruns and got a few more hits. I hate the Skankees so much. They swept us.

I got to find a meditation thing that I like. The last two that I have tried I didn’t like and I know there are thousands so I just got to keep searching. It is so hard though when you are struggling to try and find something because it just gets annoying. I rather listen to music anyway than do meditation.

productive day

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Productive day

I did some productive things today, including writing this blog. I made breakfast and coffee. I wanted another cup but I might have one in the afternoon. I then got dressed and mailed out the voter registration cards that I needed to mail. It was a nice walk as it was cooler today than it has been past four days. I still got out of breath by the time I came back to my house. I had to take the mask off to breathe properly. I hate that I am still getting winded while walking.

Only think left for me to do is empty the recycling in my room. I might do that this afternoon. I just hope there is still room in the bin. I might shower later. I stink. I haven’t showered since Sunday. But I am tired so I don’t think I am going to.

I have been in a funk the past few days. My mood has been really low. It has been like this for the past week or so. I stopped taking the duloxetine because it was upsetting my stomach and now that I am off the Invega, I feel “off”. I still get the shakes but I think it is because I am cold as I get a chill from the AC. I love being cold but not too cold. My therapist doesn’t know I have stopped my meds. She is not going to be happy when I tell her tomorrow. I just hope my shopping comes in before the appointment. I really am not looking forward to the conversation as she gets concerned. I don’t meet with my psychopharm until next week. I am not sure what I will be on. I am not having symptoms right now so I don’t want to be on anything. The depression will always be there. I wish I didn’t get sick from the duloxetine. It was finally working for me. I don’t have any other antidepressant to go to now. All the others make me sick.

Today was my shot day. I hit another vein when I injected. Blood was everywhere but luckily I didn’t get any on the bedding. I feel so wiped out right now. I guess all the energy I had wore off. I want to nap and I might. I really don’t want to because I did that all day yesterday. Yesterday I couldn’t stay awake even if you paid me. I was so damn tired. It was so damn hot out. I haven’t been sleeping good. I just been sleeping in increments. I don’t know why I can’t sleep more than 4 or 5 hours straight. I keep waking up with weird dreams. My REM is short, 45 mins rather than 90 mins. I have sort of timed it once. I don’t know why it is so short but it sucks as I don’t get the sleep I need.

Last night I was feeling suicidal again. I was just in a rotten mood. Today is better but I feel restless. I don’t know why I feel like I am so shaky. Could be withdrawal from the medication from last week. I hope it passes because I hate feeling cooped up inside myself. That is the best way to describe how I feel. I wish the walk I took today helped calm me down some but it didn’t. I think I am just going to empty my recycle to get some exercise and get my mind off things. I might watch some of the TV show that I am into. I haven’t watched it in months. Sucks because I am paying for it yet I am not watching the shows. I just am not too interested in TV. I rather read a book or listen to music. I am still listening to Hamilton’s soundtrack. I got my four favorite songs that I listen to all the time. I sometimes pick a song and then listen to the rest of the musical until I hear It’s Quiet Uptown. I think the musical should have ended there rather than with Hamilton’s death but I don’t make the rules.

I need to get my haircut. I think I will get it done on Friday. I don’t think I have energy for it today and tomorrow my groceries are going to be delivered so I won’t have time then. I also have therapy. I just hope the groceries come before my appointment.

Thursday’s Thoughts

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Thursday’s thoughts

I am not thinking of much right now. I have about a half hour before therapy. I nearly slept through my PT appointment. Thank goodness she called me. I glanced at my phone and saw it was 11 but I didn’t get up because I forgot about the appointment. We had it with time to spare. I got three new exercises to do while in bed. That will be good on days I don’t feel like going to the kitchen to do my sitting up and standing ones. She thinks she can improve my stamina while walking. I told her I am thinking of surgery to drain the fluid pocket that is causing me so much trouble. She wants me to think about it and she will be there to help me get back to “normal”, whatever that is. I just know that I don’t want to huff and puff while walking somewhere. If I can accomplish that, I will be in good shape.

Therapy went well. I will be trying a new sleep routine as I have had severe insomnia the past few nights. I hope that I can stick to it. We also talked about how frustrating it is that I am still not better after all this time. And about having possible surgery. She said not to go down the bad thought road as that might make me more susceptible to a bad outcome after surgery. I am trying not to think of this at all but I am facing it as I don’t know if the steroids will work for good this time. I am not sure what will happen after Monday. I am so tempted to just get the MRI and have the talk of surgery. I feel that if I have the MRI and see if the fluid collection gets smaller with this course of steroids. Only side effect I am having is stomach upset. I just take Mylanta when it is bad. It helps. We also talked about my psych. I was expecting her to be judgmental but she wasn’t. I am glad as I was nervous bringing it up. She needs to know that I am in contact with her because there is a chance I will be seeing her again as my psychopharm. I didn’t tell her how my appointment with the NP psychopharm went. I was sworn to confidentiality about what we talked about. It was upsetting and I am not sure she will be sticking around come the fall. I really don’t want to lose another provider but she needs to do what she needs to do.

I need to shower but I haven’t had the energy to take it. I did trim down my beard as it was getting itchy. I wanted to shave it all off but I held back as I would have to shower afterwards. I might do it after I write this blog. I plan on seeing my barber tomorrow so would like my hair to be washed. I also plan on going to Starbucks for a damn mocha. I have been having severe Starbucks withdrawal since the pandemic started and I was in no shape to be traveling to the stores anyway as I was just recovering from surgery. Hell I am still recovering from surgery and it is frustrating as all hell. I just hope PT is able to help me lead a better life than what I am currently experiencing. I can’t take another mishap. Which is why I am not looking forward to another potential surgery in the upcoming weeks. Just really hoping that the steroids work. PT is optimistic that because the steroids are systemic they should work. I hope she is right because I don’t think I can face another surgery.

My step count is at 316. I have 84 steps to make 400 for the day. I think I can do it if I try. I will be going downstairs more. I just been leaving my room to eat and use the bathroom. I haven’t been walking around the house that much. I will later. I am certain I can do 84 steps or more by the end of tonight.