Tag: writing

Book gone live and other Monday things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Book gone live and other Monday things

I have no idea how many hours of sleep I got. I had a rough night plagued with suicidal thoughts, deep depression, physical and emotional pain, and restlessness. I know it was probably dawn when I fell asleep and then my alarm went off. I was so rushed because I had about a half hour to get ready before the bus came. I forgot to take my morning meds. I ended up taking the Trileptal when I got home from therapy.

I didn’t have that much funds so it was just a reward drink I got. I wasn’t hungry and I forgot to bring a pop tart with me in my haste. Wed I hope to have more time as I don’t have to leave early as I won’t be going to Starbucks. I will just have coffee at home before leaving. Therapy went okay. We talked about how my bladder is stubborn, my losing weight from loss of appetite, and editing my second book and then re-publishing it. OMG what a fucking hassle that was. Createspace joined Kindle so they are the same right now. And the stupid thing format was worse than Createspace. I couldn’t add a blurb about the author. I had to redo the thing to get the damn back cover blurb changed. Then I forgot to order a proof, which I am so mad at. I had hit click too fast. Amazon at least gave you the option before the final click! Then I check the website and my book is discounted by $15! WTF. I couldn’t believe it. And only 1 is in stock, which is bullshit because they print them as they are ordered.

On the way home from therapy, I went to the grocery store to use the last of my food stamps for some steak and coffee. I really like the iced coffee. No mess, just pour and serve. Easy. My mother is sick. I have no idea where she got it from as she has been home the last few days, unless she got it from her sister, I don’t know. I just hope I don’t get it. I made myself a steak and cheese sandwich and then what my mother wanted for dinner. I then went upstairs and rested and all hell broke loose. My foot yelled at me and my back was crying. I wanted another sandwich, though. I waited for the pain meds to kick in and when they did, I went downstairs. I gave my mother some cough drops and then made the sandwich. I didn’t use as much pepper this time. I feel a little better now that I have some decent food in me. I have enough steak for 2 more sandwiches. My mother doesn’t like steak so it is all mine!

I got to order more copies of the new edit next week when I get paid. My friend in Canada wants one and I think I am going to recycle the ones I have. I will just order about 6 copies as they aren’t flying off the shelves anyway. I don’t think I have posted to Facebook yet. I got to check my page. Sometimes I post things twice because I forget I posted. Or I think I posted but it was really on Twitter.

Back pain, sleeping, and feeling like shit

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Back pain, sleeping, and feeling like shit

I woke up with my back hurting me. I have no idea if it was due to rain (probably) or the way I was sleeping. I slowly got up to take my meds and use the bathroom. I got back to my room and my upper back was cramping. I think I must have taken an Ativan because I didn’t wake up until my stupid mother called around 2 asking where I was. Fucking sleeping. Leave me alone!! I called her back around 3 and she wanted to know what was for dinner. She asked if I wanted raviolis or spaghetti. I wasn’t in a sauce mood so I said macaroni and cheese the way she does it. She makes elbow macaroni then puts American cheese on top, microwaves for 50 seconds and boom, dinnah! She said yes to that.

I got up and was mad she woke me up. I hate when I get into these sleeping modes. It is like I can’t get out of them. I had wanted to get up around noon to possibly make some eggs and then work on my book but that wasn’t happening, least not right now. I went through the book and put tabs in the book where there were corrections to be made. I also put an arrow in the mark if the next page also needed corrections. I didn’t want to use up all my Post It things. I will probably order another package or get them at Walgreens the next time I go.

I made supper and there were different dishes all over the counter. I had to put away some when my mother came in the kitchen while I was making the elbows. I had a pop tart to hold me over. I wasn’t very hungry today. I don’t know where my appetite went. I got to see if maybe it is a side effect of T (doubtful). Maybe lowering the dose of my mood stabilizer caused my appetite to be lower. I don’t know. It has been low since the whole sodium thing started. I have lost 8 pounds, if my scale is right. I don’t know what it will be at the doctor’s office. I swear they add weight so you are heavier than you are. If they didn’t cost to much, I would buy one just to see. I don’t see my PCP until January. It will be at the new location, which means I have to go to another way to the office and will be a bitch when I have to get my pain meds. I am going to see if he will give them to me when I see him so I don’t have to come back. I hope he won’t be a dick about this. But I don’t think so as I will just be getting my scripts a couple weeks before I see him.

I don’t know if I mentioned this, but I joined a writing community on Twitter. My followers have jumped over 200 follows since I joined. For the first day or two, I was struggling to follow back those that followed me. OMG it was nuts and my mentions went berserk! I am glad I joined because there are people I can talk to about writing and publishing and all things related. I was talking to someone last night about my book that I am editing. She was encouraging but when I brought up that it was on mental illness, the encouragement kind of dropped. It is a hard area for people. I gave them the link to my memoir and there were more mentions/notifications, LOL. OMG this community is great. I hope to get pointers and stuff. I responded to a publisher that was looking for someone to write their blog. They wanted me to write a blog about what got me into writing, a bio, and a picture. I don’t know if I want to do all that for a blog. I don’t really like how I look. I really don’t know what got me into writing and I certainly don’t have a bio. Just so many things to do and I hate it. I have to think about it. I really don’t want my bio on the web, though I am sure it is already out there, without my consent. Hell, people are trying to buy medical data and law enforcement has gone through my medical records because of the meds I take. I don’t like that at all. It pisses me off. I am sure if the members of congress had to have their records scrutinized by the police, they would have thought more (I hope) about the stupid PMPD or whatever it is called that gives them access. This is all without warrants!! Fucking stupid Congress has to GO. Hope it happens soon!

Doing things, editing, and hurting because of doing things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Doing things, editing, and hurting because of doing things

So there has been a cookie recipe that I have been meaning to try but it needs fricken flaxseed meal and I haven’t had the chance to buy some. So I thought I would just make regular chocolate chip cookies and throw in some oats like the other recipe said to do as I love oats. I took out the butter and the chips. I made breakfast. Then I put my jacket, hat, and scarf in the wash. I wrapped a Christmas gift with the guidance of my mother as I SUCK at wrapping. I put my Powerade bottles in recycled bags so they would be easier to transport to my room. My back was killing me. I then went up to my room to edit my book. I have no idea what the fuck I did but I reached for something on my bed and my back didn’t like it. Now the skin where it hurt is very sensitive to the touch.

I got a good chunk of my editing done. While I was reading my book, I was feeling all these emotions, mostly sadness. I was also thinking of a better blurb for the back of the book and wrote a quick paragraph while I was taking a break in between stories. I can’t believe I wrote about my abuse history with my father in this book and the sexual abuse of the cousin even though I didn’t name him. I still can’t believe how powerful my writing is and it amazes me. I had to put some kind of notation at the beginning in case this triggered someone and gave some crisis numbers just in case. When I published this two years ago, I honestly didn’t think I wrote about suicide, but I did and a lot about depression so I felt I had to include that just in case. I really don’t want to be sued over someone who reads my book and then does something. I wrote a lot about my former therapist and how she was. I haven’t come across the story about trees and roots which is about my therapist and psychiatrist keeping me here. I am not sure if I took the story out or not. There are a few errors as I go along but mostly it is my use of the wrong word or saying no instead of not. Not huge things. I am changing things around, small things, not big ones. It is kind of draining me because the emotions are so high at times.

I went back to the kitchen for some ice cream and when I was finished, my foot started acting up. I was supposed to make supper for my mother and I. Now I regretted it. I took a breakthrough med and I wanted to take a Neurontin but it was way too early to. I would be a zombie and I don’t think I would be able to try and finish the editing. I have about 20 pages left or so. Going to try and finish tonight. But pain is being a damn bitch so who knows.

Editing, therapy, and other bullshit

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Editing, therapy, and other bullshit

I had a good therapy session. We talked about my father and the day he died as well as other stuff he loved to do to make my life miserable. We didn’t end the session on a good note so I was feeling perplexed. I walked to the station, thinking about the things we talked about and decided I was going to get a steak and cheese sub for dinner. I have to remember to bring my inhaler with me now that it is freaking cold. My lung passages doesn’t like the cold air and I have been wheezing and coughing. I came home feeling like shit. Both feet were hurting. I had to wash my jacket and I figured I might as well wash my scarf and hat, too. I don’t know when they were washed last. The jacket smelled so it has been a while.

I went up to my room and texted my middle sister. We talked for a bit. I didn’t tell her how awful I have been feeling. I kind of wanted to but held back. I told my mother I didn’t want a party and she was like what about cake. No one likes the fucking cake. It goes to fucking waste! So I told her to make cupcakes instead and then people can pick it if they wanted to. But I only want my sisters and nieces and nephew. No one else. I guess that was a compromise as I really don’t even want to. I hate my fucking birthday so much. I really wish I wasn’t born some days.

I played with my phone saying I was going to edit my book and as I reached for a long sleeved shirt because I was cold, my damn foot went berserk. Fucking great. I had just taken a breakthrough pill like 10 minutes prior. WTF. My feet were cold so I carefully put my throw on then got my heating pad and gently put that on. Foot is still hurting but heat sometimes helps so here is to crossing fingers. I got my book and my axing tools (highlighter and pencil). I read a few chapters and one chapter got me. I was like shit, I wrote this? Sometimes I am amazed at what I write and other times, I am like that is such shit. One story, I axed a paragraph. I am just barely over 32,000 words for this book. This will bring me under 32,000. Just wonderful. Short story book is short. It is only around 124 pages, which includes the copyright page and title. Maybe I can find a blog or two I can add. I have done a lot of writing since then. But I want this book out by this weekend. I don’t want it sitting around because writing is hard. I worked on this book for two years and after 6 months of not coming up with anything new, I just said fuck it, I am publishing it (after I briefly edited it).

I know I am going to flare tonight. I had to walk to my therapist’s office because I missed the bus and I didn’t feel like waiting 20-25 minutes for the next one. I could walk there faster than that. So I did. And then I walked back. My heel is killing me for some reason. I don’t think it is liking the gel thing I bought anymore. I might have to do without for a while and see how I feel. But right now my CRPS foot is yelling at me. I just stood up to get another Powerade and OMG it screamed. Actually both ankle bones and foot screamed. I was going to take my Neurontin at 9pm but I am taking them with my night meds at 8. Fuck it. I am hurting and I know it is going to be a rough night. It will be a miracle if I sleep before midnight. Just hope tonight isn’t a fucking Christmas tree lighting up night. That is when different parts of my ankle and foot hurt with different pains all over and kind of switch from one area to another and then back again. FUCKING SUCKS!!! I never know what kind of weird pain I am going to be in.

My med alarm updated. So because I have two alerts in the morning for the different meds I take, it cancels out the noise. It will go off and then shut off. I think I will have to take one of the meds off the alert as I take all three together.

An hour ago, I had an anxiety attack which was an hour and a half after I took my night meds which includes Ativan. I knew from last week, it was the beginning of a pain flare. Yup. Suicidal ankle pain has started. I just want to fucking die. I have no idea when I am going to sleep. I am not going to edit my book. I will try tomorrow if I have some clear headed time. Fuck and I wanted to bake cookies tomorrow. Fuck this sucks!!