Major shopping done and the suicidality from last night
I got my monthly groceries today. I just finished putting everything away that needed to be put away. The breads I left out for my mother to deal with as the refrigerator needs some shuffling. I am not good at that. I am disappointed they didn’t have my hot dogs and one of the 12 pks I ordered, they decided to give me two 2L bottles. I rather they just give me a credit. I should have sent them back with the guy. But oh well. I have my diet soda that I drink. It’ll come in handy on these hot days.
I must have spent 15 minutes shopping at Walmart and walked out with $66 worth of clothes. It was all the shorts that I needed for the summer as I was wearing out the jean shorts I kept on wearing. I figure it will last me three years at least. That was the last time I went clothes shopping. I hate shopping for clothes. If something doesn’t catch my eye right away, I don’t get it. There were clothes I wanted to get but they didn’t have my size. I was disappointed.
After shopping at Walmart, I went to my therapy appointment. We talked about last night. I am glad that I didn’t email my psychiatrist at like 2 am. I know I would have received a phone call this morning if I did. I was not in good space. My ankle is starting to throb but it was nothing like last night. I still feel like I should be dead. I told my therapist I had every intention to cancel our appointments for next week but she wouldn’t have one word of it. I also told her I felt like texting her but I didn’t feel like it because I knew we would end up talking about it. She told me I could text her any time, day or night. That is good and all but it sucks when you don’t get a response back. I didn’t tell her this.
Our conversation was all over the place. Whenever there was a break, she brought us back to the suicidality. She wanted to know more about it. I really don’t remember much, though I still remember feeling suicidal. I think if I had a solid plan, I probably would have executed it today, regardless of the consequences. I woke up really groggy as I didn’t go to sleep till well after 0200. I did text my therapist around 0211 so I was still up at that time. I just said I was in a “dangerous mood”. I really didn’t want to get up but I couldn’t forfeit the Zipcar. It was well past the time I could cancel it so I forced myself up. I was so sleepy that I didn’t even get myself coffee before leaving Boston. I was half way to my therapist’s location when I realized I didn’t get coffee as I was getting sleepy on the road. I am so glad there is a Starbucks near her office that I always go to. I also got something to eat as I was getting hungry.
I should probably email my psychiatrist and let her know what happened last night and that I am still feeling suicidal. It was very difficult NOT to do something last night as I just was fed up with being in pain all the time, night after night after night. I wish it was close to 2000 so I could take my meds and go to bed. I am so fricken tired. I tried taking a nap before the groceries got here but some idiot from South Carolina called me and woke me up. It was a sign because it was close to when my delivery was scheduled to be delivered. So I never got my nap. I so could use a coffee but I don’t want to fuck up my sleep further.
There was hardly any traffic on the way home, thank goodness. I had enough time to make a run to my house to drop off my shopping bags and then return the car. I am glad I have a location near my house that is within walking distance. There is another location near me but it’s up a hill and I don’t do hills. If I could, I wouldn’t be disabled. My ankle already didn’t like the walk back home but I took my pain meds to quiet it down.
This is why I don’t understand why I got so suicidal last night. It’s not like I don’t have meds for my pain. I do and they work, though taking them before the pain is bad has always been a challenge. I could just take them and within minutes my pain can climb or it could be two hours after I take the meds and then my pain shoots up. There is no rhyme or reason to what brings me pain. The slightest movement seems to make it explode and for some reason, it hurts threefold when I lay down versus when I am sitting up. But I can’t sleep while sitting. It hurts my back and neck being in that position all the time. I have tried to use a pillow and sleep but I always turn over on my side and sleep, sometimes with the sitting pillow as a back support or it ends up on the floor.
I told my therapist about the anger that I was feeling last night when the pain happened to get out of control. I really wanted to punch a wall. I was so done. I have no idea what will happen tonight if my pain returns when I try and sleep. I know part of the reason is because I thought I took my pain meds but I didn’t. I usually take them either before my night meds or after but because I was watching the game last night, things kind of didn’t follow my routine. I also now realize that I was on my feet more because I washed dishes before going up to bed. That could have been why the pain was so intense last night. I did them because my mother would flip if I left them for her in the morning.
I feel really sad that I got so suicidal last night and didn’t act on my feelings even though they were really strong. I think if the voices were not controlled I probably wouldn’t have stayed safe. I don’t know what I would do as most of my medication is three feet from me and I don’t think my foot would have allowed the journey, no matter how suicidal I was. I knew things would be better in the morning (even though technically it was morning) but I couldn’t see it. I had to do something and ended up doing nothing. I feel like a failure.