Saturday Blog 12092020
I changed the background on my zoom and I am so excited about it. I can’t wait to have therapy with my therapist on Wed. I wanted to have something different than just looking at a wall in my room. Monday I need to call to schedule my PT appointment. I meant to call yesterday but it was not going to happen as I was so sleepy. Today I slept till almost 1500. I still had coffee. I needed it. I might end up going to the pharmacy to pick up my meds. I got another text from them saying my meds are ready for pick up. I feel too lazy today to go but I might force myself to go. I don’t know. If I go, I will get Oreo ice cream.
I need to shave today. I might do that later. I will be careful not to reopen my cut on my face. It is healing nicely. I want to wash my face today so maybe after I shave I will do that. I just hope my back cooperates and doesn’t cramp up on me. I should shower too but that may be too much. I get tired easily these days. I am still recovering from back surgery. I am to do activities to my tolerance and if things tire me out, then I need to rest, per doctor’s orders.
College football starts today. I don’t think the Buckeyes are playing. There are only 19 teams scheduled to play. I don’t know who is playing as I haven’t looked. I heard Iowa lost to Louisiana. That was an upset. I am not that interested this year in college football like I was in previous years. The virus has put a damper on my excitement about games. I just want to keep the players healthy. There are some nasty side effects of the virus if you get it and survive.
Hunter Hayes has come out with a song that is perfect for suicide prevention. I love it. It is called Invisible. I have been listening to it on repeat the past few days. He has been involved in this year’s World suicide prevention day. He was selling T-shirts to benefit some organization. I haven’t been involved this year because I just can’t right now. I am too hurt from my feelings and where I was a year ago. I wrote about it on Twitter. I still can’t believe that conviction I felt about ending my life is gone. I am less suicidal. I still think about it at times but it is more of a passing thought. It doesn’t hang around like it used to.
A few weeks ago my therapist gave me the low down on my illness and said that it was severe and that I needed treatment that included medication. She wasn’t backing down on this. I slowly have come to the realization that she is right. I do have a severe illness and it does require treatment. I had been in denial that it was severe because I thought I could handle it on my own in certain aspects of it. But I can’t be in denial anymore. I have to accept that I have severe depression. It is hard. It hasn’t been easy to accept. I am not sure I have fully accepted this. I am trying though. It is a challenge every day to get through it. Some days are easier than others. The fatigue of depression never seems to fade. But there are days were I am able to overcome its grip and carry on through the day. It might make me more exhausted as the day ends but at least I pulled through.