Author: Midnight Demon

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression and chronic pain that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

Darkest depression and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Darkest depression and other things

Yesterday I wanted to write a blog but couldn’t get the words together. I haven’t been eating. Sunday I had only a protein bar. Yesterday was just a bologna sandwich. I spoke with my psych as she wanted me to talk. She is worried about how much weight I have lost and not having an appetite. I am to call her tomorrow to check in and I am scared she might say hospital. I lost another five pounds so that makes twenty over the course of one month. I am losing five pounds per week, all because I am barely eating. I haven’t had anything to eat today. I want to order my from my favorite roast beef place but it is a lot of food so not sure it would be worth spending $15 for food and not be able to eat it.

I went to PT today even though my back was sore. I took an Uber there as it has been easier than trying to navigate public transportation. I am progressing slowly. My PT tried to point out the good but I was too hopeless to hear or take in what she was saying. I just felt like a failure because all week I haven’t been able to do my exercises.

After PT, I went to the grocery store to get some more Powerade and the chicken patties I have been craving. I also bought dinosaur chicken nuggets. If I eat some, maybe that will be better than nothing. My back was still killing me from walking around the store so I took an Uber home. I am glad I did. I then went to the dumb new pharmacy to pick up my meds and asked about the other one that was N/A. It didn’t transfer over so I got to call the doc to resend it. Nearly every prescription I have done with the app or had my doctor send over, I had to call about. I’ve never dealt with such incompetence before. I have let the upper management know they suck and even though I have used them since I moved here in 1992, I am teetering on moving to another chain. I am not going to go through this hassle every month!

I came home and I didn’t want to eat. I am hungry because my stomach is growling. I just have no desire to eat. My mother is making stir fry with rice. I will try and eat some of that. I am starting to feel weak from not eating. I’ve never had depression this bad that I stopped eating like this. My psychiatrist even said I am not myself, that this isn’t me. She has never known me to not eat. I feel so blah that I don’t care.

My sister has moved in. My mother has been after me for two days trying to clear my office stuff from the living room. I can’t do anything today. Yesterday I cleared out some of the stuff that is in a huge box, hence why my back is so damn sore. I won’t be able to do anything until it calms down. I am almost through with the stuff and then I can make room for the bins downstairs. Think once the box is done, I will go through my bookcase first and take down some books/binders that are not being used nor care to look at anymore. I can move some of the books on the floor on the shelves. Hopefully that will be done this week but I am really not sure. It all depends on how things go with my psych tomorrow.

Just writing with no purpose

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder

Sorry I haven’t been writing past few days. I’ve been meaning to, just have been overwhelmed with my sister moving in and feeling crappy both physically and emotionally. I was hoping to continue writing but it is so hard right now.

I’ve literally been in bed all day. Haven’t left my room except to pee. Haven’t eaten anything but a protein bar. Kind of hungry now but don’t want to go downstairs and risk waking up my sis or nephew. Wish I had another protein bar. I am out.

My bad mood has really increased my thoughts and wanting to put my plan in motion. I stupidly told my psych I wasn’t going to see her this week because there is no point. Now she wants me to page her tomorrow to talk about it. Fuck. I am not happy about this. I really think this is a set up.

I am supposed to meet with the social worker next Monday. I might cancel that one. I don’t think she will give me too much trouble if I cancel. I still don’t know why I see her when there is nothing she can do right now for me. She is willing to be a support so that is something.

Android just rolled out it’s new OS (operating system) called PIE. I installed it on my other phone. It doesn’t seem that different but I have a lot more apps on this phone that. could get messed up. I really don’t want my Twitter app updated because the algorithm sucks ass. You know have every like and retweet on ALL the people you follow. And there is no linear posts either. So I might have a post that is 1 minute old and then next 2 days. I only updated it on other phone. I hate it. I just don’t want PIE to make me update.

Going to try and sleep again. Hopefully foot won’t be a bastard.

Drowning in pain and depression

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, painsomnia, physical pain

Pain is really bad because i had to leave my house earlier than I would have liked. Both feet are swollen, left worse than right. I can’t deal. Least i had some of my Pad Thai, and by some I mean 5 bites. I was full. Psych thinks I should see my pcp because of the weight loss. Basically losing 5 lbs a week. Told her I am ok. When it is 30 lbs I will be worried 😜 (just have 15 more to go) also thinks I should see him for my flares. I don’t have the energy to. Previous docs have shot me down when I’ve told them every appt flares are worse and i am met with no change in meds or what to do. I’m done getting burned so i am staying away from the fire. Besides with my living situation changing, flares are going to be way more frequent from stress.

I told my psych I’ve been really suicidal. I’ve been trying to keep the demons at bay but pain is a huge trigger and add depression and it just fuels the fire. I’ve never been this down before, well I have. Just not so quickly. Three weeks is a short amount of time. My psych asked me if I could come in next week and I asked if I had to and she said yes. Great. I really don’t want to see anyone. I just feel hopeless about everything and I am overwhelmed with shit I have to do. My sister is driving me crazy because she is stressed out. Stress just causes me more pain. I had my 5th flare in a week last night. I have been going on 4 hours sleep, which I got in 2 hour increments.

I was very suicidal last night, the worst it has been in quite some time. I know I could have called my psych but I really didn’t want to be told to go to the hospital. I am done with going to hospitals, least the unit I was on. There isn’t any help anymore. I don’t have a therapist. Unfortunately I am still not mobile enough to be going. I am making some progress in PT but it is very slow. It has been two months I’ve been going and have been doing the exercises but on days I hurt, I can’t do them or on days like today where I had to fucking leave my house because my pedophile cousin came over with my aunt. His voice still gives me flashbacks and shit. I was out for about six hours. I knew I going to be hurting. I didn’t think I would swell though.

My voice is continuing to change. I had no voice when I got up around 10. Trying to communicate to my mother was a fucking pain in the ass. I literally had to write shit down to tell her stuff. When my aunt came over while I was in the shower, I was a little better but still hoarse. Even while talking to my psych I sounded froggy.

My hair is getting thicker. And omg, my hair on my head is growing faster than ever. I shaved it this morning and now I have a 5 o’clock shadow. Will be a buzz tomorrow. Yet my mustache takes forever to grow back. I shave it off last week because I got a big painful zit. It is growing back but not at the same pace.

I am really exhausted between pain and the depression. My sleep has gotten a little better with the melatonin but if I am in a flare, forget it. I just fight sleep.

I saw my pcp’s social worker yesterday afternoon. She can’t see me like a therapist but will cover me until I do find a therapist. She is easy going but I haven’t shared my suicidal demons with her. I really can’t. Last thing I need is for it to be in my record and then I am fucked. Any provider can read her notes. I am very careful about letting on how suicidal I am. I will tell my psych but that is it.

I had my grocery delivery yesterday. Powerade hasn’t done shit about their lot that is bad. I got 5 more bottles of the crap. Going to have to call again. I wanted to today but was rushed out of my house. I still need to get some as they only delivered 7 of the 30 I ordered. They also didn’t deliver my chicken patties for the second month in a row! Now I need to go to the grocery store to get the stuff. I am going to try and just buy the powerade at a little at a time because I can’t carry a huge load. 5 bottles is my limit on my rolling cart thing. I won’t go tomorrow but maybe Monday. I am sort of dreading it as my sis moves in Sunday. God only knows what it will be like living with her again.

Protected: When the cubic model of suicide is 5

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, painsomnia, physical pain, psychache, suicidality

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