Category: Bipolar Disorder

suicidal triggers, how fast they come

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Suicidal triggers, how fast they come on

I’ve had a long day. I had appointments with my psychiatrist and therapist back to back. I left my house around 1130 and didn’t get home till around 1800. Meeting with my psych went well. She wants me to call her after my appt with the LBGT doc I see Friday. I had to laugh because she said it so eagerly. I told her I would page her when I got home that day. As I was leaving the building, I bumped into my former supervisor in the lab. We talked for a bit before going our separate ways. I told her to say hi to the folks in the lab for me, especially the other supervisor. I really miss being in the lab. It was my life for 14 years.

I was feeling kind of sore as I walked toward the station to go to my therapist’s office. I had to take a little break about half way there. I had been having dizzy spells on and off all day. I was making sure to keep hydrated today. My therapist and I had a good chat. We didn’t stay on any one topic for too long. I felt good after seeing him. I decided to go to Chipotle for dinner. I grabbed something then made my way home. The train was delayed at points, much to my annoyance, as I wanted to get home, eat, and then sleep. Finally got to my stop and I stood up. HOLY PAIN. My ankle scooping pain that I have been feeling for a week returned and felt like my ankle bone was going to pop. I swore as I hung on the railing to keep from falling. I limped to the escalator and the rest of the way through the station to get to the busway. My mood took a nosedive. My sister had texted me and I responded that I was on my way home and hurting. As I waited for the bus, I sat there pondering why I am still alive. What is the purpose of living if I am just going to be in fucking pain. I was so fed up. I felt like I was no good to my family. They would be better off without me. I felt such high despair it was unbearable. I didn’t let my sister know any of this. She said she hopes the pain settles and that she loves me. I responded thanks and love you too.

The bus came and it felt like forever getting to my stop, not like I was looking forward to getting off the bus. I had to walk 2.5 blocks to my house, which I knew would be in agony. I really just wanted to disappear forever. I slowly walked home, watching each step I took so I didn’t further hurt my aching ankle. I got to within a block from my house and I carefully watched my steps because last week I stepped on a rock that hurt my ankle. Luckily, there were no rocks in my path. I was starting to feel dizzy again. All I thought was please don’t let me pass out as I walked up the stairs.

I made it and I still was feeling lousy emotionally. I still wanted to die. I had my dinner, which was cold but I didn’t care. I listened to music as I ate. My mother came into the kitchen and moved my bags that I had on the table. I finished my dinner and threw out the bags. It was really painful to stand, let alone walk. My mother had done laundry but there was no way I could navigate carrying the clothes while holding onto the railing. They would have to wait. I went to my room and carefully changed into my pajamas. I opened the box that I had, the few things I had ordered from Amazon.

I kept on feeling off. I was feeling dizzy and panicky. I took an Ativan and some pain meds to try and calm things down. I took my pulse because I felt like my heart was palpitating. It was a slow beat, which was odd. I measured it with my phone and it was 58. I don’t ever have a slow pulse. Maybe that is why I feel so dizzy. I tried to take my blood pressure but the batteries on my monitor need to be replaced and I don’t have the batteries. I’ll have to get them tomorrow. That would explain things. I don’t think I will take my night time dose of blood pressure pills. With all the fluid that I drank today, my pulse should not be 58, especially after going up the stairs. I’ll be calling my PCP tomorrow to let him know this. He might want to lower my BP meds or something.

Sunday blog 28 Jan 18

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, physical pain

I didn’t have s good day. I had a hard time sleeping because of pain. Woke up every few hours to take more meds for relief. When I woke up during the morning hours, my back was hurting. It had started last night before I laid down. I had sneezed earlier in the day. I think I pulled a muscle. I wanted to use a tennis ball some time today to massage it out but never did. I feel so useless. I had bouts of anger today at my condition.

I don’t want to continue with physical therapy. I keep going back and forth. I just want to call tomorrow and cancel my remaining appts. Only thing is, I just ordered a mirror from Amazon last night. Couldn’t sleep so I was browsing. Found one that I think might work. I don’t know if it will help me. A couple of people in my CRPS group are doing it but they aren’t sure about it either. I think I just want to be better now and it is not going to happen. It is going to take time like dealing with the depression. You don’t want to wait for the meds to work in 6 to 8 weeks, you want relief now. It is very hard.

I had a somewhat good time when I went over my cousin’s last night. I ate more than I should have. Oh well. He really doesn’t understand chronic physical illness. He said that he knew someone that was like me, that canceled on short noticed. He said he “understands” but he didn’t. I brought it up to him that it is hard to be social when you are in pain. I had a better time talking to his walls. Jerk. The whole time he talked about his anxiety and money issues. His phone kept ringing and he would answer to say he has company. He smoked 4 cigarettes while I was there. I had to shower when I came home.

I wanted to bake today but it never happened. I have to use the zucchini soon or it will go bad. Maybe Tuesday I’ll make it. Depends on how I feel. I have back to back appts tomorrow so will be out most of the afternoon. I don’t know what kind of stress that will cause. Just hope I can sleep at a reasonable hour tomorrow. I’m going to read a chapter of my baseball history book. I wanted to read at least two so will settle for one. I haven’t touched the book in a week. Seems I only read on weekends. Least I am reading something other than social media.

Low key Saturday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, disability, mental illness, mood disorders

I still had the same pain I’ve been feeling all week. I didn’t have anything to do but go to Walgreens to get my meds fills, and even that I didn’t want to do.

A few weeks ago, I was reading an article about how fish oil combined with an anti depressant helped to ease depressive symptoms. I tried to find the highest dose of EPA and DHA but couldn’t. So I just got a high dose of fish oil. It came a few days ago. I took one that day and was going to take it everyday but forgot. I remembered this morning so took it. It is a huge pill. Thankfully it doesn’t have any fishy aftertaste. I’ll put it in my med box for the week when I fill it tomorrow.

I had cereal for breakfast and then I made coffee. I was going to finish it then go to the store but decided to take it with me. I just put on a pair of sweatpants, grabbed my mug, and left. It was warm out so I was glad I didn’t wear a jacket. A lot people came to get flu shots. I waited for them to fill my meds and then walked home. My ankle was feeling like a rod was going through it. I’ve had so many different types of pain this week. I haven’t done any of my PT exercises. I just don’t want to make the pain worse.

My cousin with bipolar disorder invited me to have dinner at his house. Pain in the ass has called me 3 times today to confirm. He woke me from my nap. I thought he wanted me to come early so when I was a little more awake, I called him back. No, 1830-1900 is still on. WTF. He wasn’t even home the ass. I hope it goes well. I just worry about getting to his apartment as he is on the 3rd floor. That is a lot of stairs. I’ll probably take a shower when I come home as he is a heavy smoker.

I don’t have any plans for tomorrow. I might make a zucchini bread as I bought zucchini. I also want to make a pumpkin bread. I just haven’t had the energy to make it. A friend of mine gave me the recipe. Maybe if I feel up to it, I’ll make both.

Lunch with a friend and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, mood disorders, physical pain

I went to bed around 3. Pain was being such a fuck. I was getting hopeless and depressed. I sent my psychiatrist a message but she never responded. I see her Monday. I hope that she understands what I am going through.

I woke up around 6 and then around 830. I didn’t want to leave the comfort of my bed. I didn’t have to leave the house till around 1030. I had a list of things to do after I saw my friend for lunch. It would depend on how much pain I was in but I would try.

I went downstairs to put the groceries away. The delivery came and I just put away the frozen and refrigerated stuff. I left everything else as I wanted to sleep. My mother was up. She asked why I left the stuff and I told her why. I did three trips to the kitchen, my office, and the back porch. I was exhausted afterward. I didn’t feel like showering. I went upstairs and got dressed. I brought my tote bag with me as I didn’t feel like carrying my backpack. I grabbed my mug for coffee. I needed coffee.

It was cold and the wind made it colder. I didn’t wear my scarf. I wish I did. The bus seemed to take forever. It finally came after twenty minutes. I thought about ordering a mobile order for Starbucks but I didn’t know what I wanted to drink. Even when I got there, I was staring at the menu. I finally decided on a toffee latte and a cheese danish.

I brought my journal along in case I had time to write but I didn’t. I took a few sips of the latte to make room for the lid and then left for the train station. As I was walking to the station, my friend messaged me about meeting 15 mins later. That was no problem. I waited for her at the restaurant.

We had a good time catching up. The food was good. We talked about all kind of things. The last conversation we had was about our friend who died by suicide 2 years ago. It was something we were hoping to avoid but couldn’t. Chris was a close friend to her than I was. She told me aspects of his life I didn’t know and it made me angry the his partner treated him wrongly. It was sad that he took his life for reasons only he would know.

My friend and I parted. She went back to her building and I went off to do my errands. I literally went around one big circle, with the train station being the starting point. I did all the I wanted and added one. I made an appt with a new eye doc as my doc retired. I need new glasses as I have been having trouble reading with the ones I have.

I went back to the Square and froze as I waited for the bus. I missed the 1420 so had to wait for the 1520. It was on time. I was feeling ok pain wise. Least I was until I got up at my stop. Then it felt like a rod went through my ankle. I limped the rest of the way home.

I got home and there was mail and some packages for me. I brought them inside, sorted them, and then dashed up the steps. I needed to use the bathroom. It was too late. I wet my pants and I wasn’t happy. I changed and then opened my packages. Some were for the kitchen as I bought a new electric can opener. Hope it is easy to use. The rest of the stuff I brought upstairs. My feet were ice cold. I put on a pair of socks. My mother was making the cod I bought yesterday for dinner. It was really good.

After dinner I was really cold and sleepy. I decided to take a nap. I wasn’t expecting the door bell to startle me awake. I woke up all disoriented, not knowing where I was or what time of day it was. I was still cold. I didn’t go downstairs to see what was going on. I snoozed for a bit before my bladder told me to get up again. I went downstairs and it was really cold. I turned up the heat a notch. Probably will regret it but least I’ll be warm!