Category: Bipolar Disorder

Throb Throb Throb goes my ankle

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Throb throb throb goes my ankle

My night would not be complete unless my ankle and foot are throbbing like there isn’t going to be a tomorrow. And right on cue, I can not sleep because of the throbbing. My day was going just fine. I was settling into my bed. Closed the light. Was nice and comfy when the throbbing came out of no where and boom my foot explodes in pain. I go through this rigmarole every goddamned night.

Tonight I got really angry, like punch a wall angry. I didn’t have a pleasant evening. A friend came over my house to watch the game. Least that is what I was intending to do. He didn’t shut up the entire 8 innings he watched. And he wasn’t talking about the game. He kept on saying shit pickle, in a joking voice because the announcer was saying something about being in a pickle. It was hard trying to pay attention to the game and listen to my friend ramble on and on. It didn’t help that my team was losing, came ahead, lost the lead and then finally gave up. I really couldn’t wait for the game to end because I wanted to shower really bad. I was sweating up a storm as the house was so hot.

Now I am freezing my assets off and loving it. My stomach didn’t like the food I was eating but then it didn’t really start bothering me until after I took my night meds, which is like eating a meal in and of itself. I feel so bloated, which also isn’t helping me go to sleep along with the throbbing of my ankle and foot. I wasn’t angry that my friend talked a lot during the game. I am angry because I am in fucking pain, yet again, for the umpteenth night in a row. I can’t take it anymore.

I seriously want to end my life. And if I had a car, I would do it, right now. I would drive to where I want to end it. Take the pills and hope it’s enough to kill me. Is it bad that I dream of that day when I do do this? Even if I don’t have a car, I can walk to my destination. I don’t know if it will kill me but then once I get there, I will be dead. There won’t be any going back. And the throb throb throb of my ankle will be but a memory.

I know there will be people that will miss me and I am sorry to hurt you all but I can’t live like this anymore. My life is nothing but pain and anguish and tonight it’s killing me to breathe. I have a weight on my chest that no one can see or feel or touch. It’s called psychache and it hurts really bad, more than the throbbing in my ankle sometimes.

I got so angry tonight that I wanted to cry. I don’t think I have ever felt so bullshit angry before because I am in pain. I have taken my pills. I honestly couldn’t remember if I took them or not. Then I remembered that it was hours ago that I took them, which is why I am in pain now. I hate when I don’t get ahead of the pain. I think that I can last a few hours without taking a pill. Sometimes, I really think I can just stand the pain. Not tonight though. Tonight it’s just awful like it’s every night at this time. Just before bed it’s just at it’s worse and no one can tell me why that is. It doesn’t bother me during the day. Only before bed, right when I want to sleep the devil comes out and my ankle and foot explodes in agony. This is why I have every right to die. Doesn’t matter that I have pills to take the pain away. That isn’t the point. The point is that I shouldn’t be in pain, period. But I am. And I just can’t accept that is the way my life is anymore. It’s too great a burden to bear.

Another Tuesday, another therapy session

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Another Tuesday, another therapy session

I didn’t sleep too well last night. My neck was bothering me despite taking Ativan and pain meds for my ankle that didn’t want to settle down. I just could not get comfortable and when I did, I woke up with my neck hurting, which felt like every couple of hours. Around five, I had to go pee and did some shopping online, which somehow caused my bank to think there was fraudulent activity on my account. The purchases weren’t that big but all were made online, one right after the other. I had a list of things to buy when I got paid. And seeing as I was up, I figured I might as well purchase them. I took some more pain meds and went back to sleep for a few more hours.

My mother called me around 11 to tell me something. It’s a good thing she did otherwise I would have slept through my therapy appointment. That would not have been good. Though now looking back, I wish I had slept through the appointment. It was really boring and I was getting agitated because I really wanted to sleep and I obviously couldn’t. I didn’t feel like talking. She asked me so many questions about the psychosis and my appointment with my psychiatrist. I felt like I had to get away from her. She again asked me about negative symptoms. I feel them on and off. Lately I have been too depressed to feel it. I also been suicidal but I haven’t told anyone about those thoughts. I just don’t feel like talking about them.

She also asked about my pain levels and that is really when I got annoyed. We were talking about going out to see her and she basically said only if I am not in pain. HA, when am I not in pain?? I reserved the car anyways. Even though it’s going to be really humid tomorrow, I am going to go out to see her. I also want to get some new jean shorts. My current pair is getting worn out as I wear it all the time. It’s the only pair that I have that fit me. I had some camo pants but those, too, have been worn out. I haven’t bought summer clothes in a few years, since I have been out of work.

I’m not looking forward to the drive but at least it gets me out of the house. I went out today to get my coffee and an espresso drink. They didn’t have any seats at Starbucks so I got my coffee and left. I just caught the bus home. I am happy about that. Now I can have coffee whenever I want. I just hope that I can wake up early tomorrow and stay up. It will really suck to sleep really late tomorrow. I just have had no energy or desire to be up during the morning hours, or to be up in general. I am just so tired all the time. I thought it was because I was taking the benedryl but I haven’t taken that in the last few nights. My allergies haven’t been so bad the past two days. I think the heat is just making me tired, even though I am in an AC’d room. I just feel completely wiped out like I have done arduous labor.

I have been reading more of the book “the Cuckoo’s Calling”. Still nothing exciting happening and I don’t think anything is coming forth from the investigation. It’s really just a time killer if you ask me. I wouldn’t recommend this book to anyone. It’s just really dull. I wish I could stop reading it but I’m one of those people that once they start a book, they have to finish it.

Pdoc appt and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I didn’t wake up in time to catch the 0950 bus despite setting my alarm. I pretty much woke up to shut it off and then went back to sleep. I should have set a second alarm in case that happened. Luckily, my mother called me at 1000 so I could catch the next bus. I had just enough time to get my latte and leave to catch the train.

My psychiatrist was running late. She always is but today was later than usual. The voices were getting unsettled. It was kind of weird being there in the waiting room while the voices were talking. I should have taken the trilafon before leaving the house but felt it was too early as I just woke up. We talked about side effects of the medication as it’s an older drug and she is comfortable with me taking it as long as it is helping me. She ordered an EKG today as it has been two years since my last one. I am just glad she didn’t order any blood work. I hate getting my blood drawn.

I am glad the bus home was late so I caught it and didn’t have to wait an hour. I went to Walgreens to pick up my scripts that were ready. I was sweating bullets by the time I reached my house. My shirt was soaking wet. I had to take it off because it was making me cold with the AC. The new shirt I put on I then ruined when I opened a can of tuna in oil. I hate when I do that. I try to be careful but today I wasn’t. Now I have oil stains on my shirt. Luckily it’s on the bottom half so it’s not so noticeable.

My mother is thinking of making a “lazy man’s mac and cheese”. Apparently she is thinking of making the pasta and then microwaving cheese on top of it. Whatever. Sounds good to me. I love pasta and cheese so it works for me. I feel like making coffee but it’s kind of late. I just feel so wiped out. The heat and humidity is awful. It was really humid around the hospital because the river is right there. I was drenched before I reached the station. My ankle started acting up on the way home. I knew it was going to because there is a threat of showers today. Plus I did extra walking and stairs today as I had to go from one building to another to get the EKG.

My refill of trilafon is still being processed. I hope it gets mailed out today or I am going to be screwed. I have only a few pills left. I should have expedited shipping. I normally wouldn’t worry about it but the voices have been annoying today so I might need a second dose. I wish I knew where my other pill container was that I carry around. I know there are some pills in there. I tried finding it last night but wasn’t successful. I hate being psychotic. I told my psych today that it’s getting worse as I get older to control. I told her that I was having delusions as far back as March 2015, even with the abilify so obviously the abilify lost its effectiveness and I really didn’t notice it. Course I am so used to the voices it’s hard to discern when they are troublesome and when they are “normal”.

Forgot how good country music is

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Forgot how good country music is

I have been listening to the Country Countdown the last few hours with my favorite country artist, Hillary Scott. She is talking about her new album and her miscarriage that happened about a year ago. I feel so bad because it’s such a tragic thing to happen to women. I am glad that she was able to write a song about it to release the feelings associated with loss.

As I have been listening to the music, I have been feeling energized despite feeling tired. I want to buy the songs that I really like but thankfully I have no money in my account. I definitely going to get Blake Shelton’s new album and Sam Hunt’s song “You’re Gonna Miss Me”. I have to get Sam’s songs individually because there are some songs that I don’t like on his album. I am also contemplating getting Kelsea Ballerini’s Peter Pan. That song is really sweet. And I found another song that if I ever get married, the song by Dan and Shay is going to be it.

I was talking to one of my friends that has DID (dissociative identity disorder). We basically got caught up with our illnesses as it has been a while since we last talked. It was good talking to her again. I am glad she didn’t bring up that she wanted to have lunch. I really don’t want to meet up with her. She lives west of me and it’s kind of in the boonies of Massachusetts. I don’t think I can drive to where she is without getting lost so there is no point in meeting up.

I am glad the countdown will be over in about a half hour. I don’t think I can make it past midnight. My head is spinning though. I am feeling really hyper yet tired. It’s weird. I feel like I am sort of in a mixed state. I might have to take another trilafon to calm down.