Category: blogging

tiring but good therapy session

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Tiring but good therapy session

I woke up around 0630 in pain. It felt like someone was squeezing the shit out of my foot, for which purpose, I have no clue. It just hurt really bad. I took my meds and then went back to sleep, hoping I didn’t wake up past 1300. I woke up a few minutes before noon. My jaw was hurting me so I took some ibuprofen. I washed up and told my mother I would be home late as I had therapy. I just said I had an appt. She asked where and that was it.

I left for Starbucks and then I quickly wanted to go back to bed. I just ran out of gas walking to the bus stop. I put on music to try and stay awake. The bus came and I placed my order for Starbucks. They didn’t have my donuts so I ordered a sandwich. I wasn’t sure how my jaw was going to handle it but I did ok, being careful not to chew on that side. I was getting sleepier as time past and I regretted not cancelling my therapy appt. I had emailed my therapist before going to bed last night asking him about his expertise in PTSD matters. I got a response while at Starbucks that “we’ll talk about it during our session”. Fucking give me a damn answer asshole.

I wrote in my journal for a bit and then a friend texted me. We talked until it was time for me to leave to see dipshit. She sometimes annoys me because she doesn’t follow the texts or maybe dissociates and forgets what I said. I don’t know. I just hate when she asks a question to something I already answered. I got to my therapist office and told her I would talk to her later.

So I went in to see my therapist and we discussed the email. The whole session was about my cauda equina syndrome, surgeries, how I was treated, how my ankle was treated (or rather not treated), and the panic attack that lead to the ER visit last week. He wanted me to distract when I am panicky and not think about catastrophizing things in the back of my head. He understands that this is easier said than done. But the jerk didn’t answer the question as to his expertise to PTSD. He just said we just need to talk about it. I was annoyed but I liked his feedback about trying stuff. The hard part is, I already distract and try to calm myself but it doesn’t work 100% of the time.

I left the session feeling like he understood me but is still not willing to help me, now that I have had time to think about it. It’s frustrating the hell out of me. The place that I want to be seen at sent me an email but because it got filtered to my junk, I didn’t get it until now. Great. Another day of email tag. My therapist was very keen on noticing that I like to be in control of my health care and finding the care that I need. I so wanted to say, including with you but kept my mouth shut. My jaw was really hurting when I left from talking almost the entire session. I didn’t have any water with me so I couldn’t take my pain meds. I think I need to go back to the dentist to see if this pain is normal or something else is going on.

As I was walking to the train station, a million things were running through my mind. I wanted to write all of it down but I really wanted to go home and chill. The train was late so took a while to get to the Square. My brother in law called me saying he made a pasta dish. I said I would have some when I got home. He didn’t say it was with chickpeas. They don’t agree with me so I had an Ensure. I wanted the other nutritional drink but it went bad. I need to throw the three cases away. Such a waste. They were on my porch and when we had scorching heat, they must have turned bad. I’m not that hungry anyway because I am in so much pain.

My thoughts about the session are still lingering so I might write more about it later. I am really tired so I am going to take my meds and hopefully have a good sleep. I just hope my ankle doesn’t flip out later. It has been good the past few hours. The weather is cooler than it has been so I think that may be why.

Sunday Blog 6 August 2017

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Sunday Blog 6 August 2017

I thought I would wake up early as my med alarm was to go off around 7. I don’t remember shutting the alarm off or taking my meds so I must have been really in a deep sleep. I checked my spreadsheet to see if I did log in my pain meds and there wasn’t an entry for today. I went almost all day without pain meds. I wasn’t in pain so I guess that was good.

I woke up around 1330 and had breakfast. I brushed my teeth before hand and then ate. My gums are still sore from the dental work. I made coffee but by the time it was done, I was getting sleepy again. I must have had a few sips, went to my room, had a few more sips and then took a nap. It was Pike not my expensive coffee so I didn’t care that it got wasted. My mother called me to make sure I would be making supper. I woke up a few hours later due to my bladder. It was 1600 and I wasn’t in pain so I just made supper.

I made ribs and they were good. Unfortunately, one tried to escape and got on my shirt as I saved it. So after supper, I took a shower. I needed one anyways as the last time I took one was Wednesday. After the shower I filled my med box for the week. I hope my doc calls in my hormone pills because I just used the last week. I’ll have to keep an eye on it because I don’t want to miss a dose next week. My ankle started to hurt when I was done so I took some pain meds.

I missed the ball game, though they won. That makes it 6 in a row. I am so happy for my guys. We are still narrowly in first with the Skankees in 2nd place. We play the Evil Empire the end of the week. Those games will really count toward the standings as we are so close.

I got to call the dentist tomorrow because my gum line is still so sore whenever I eat anything. I have been taking ibuprofen, which as helped but the soreness is still there. I just don’t want it to become infected or anything. That would suck really bad.

I got a comment on one of my popular blogs, Knackered, today. The woman has a daughter with Cauda Equina Syndrome. I then checked my stats and there are 23 views from that blog alone for today. The UK is really reading my blogs with 21 views, so far. I am a stats geek, though I do not like the new format of WordPress Stats. But, can’t do anything about it. As long as I can get my daily tally, I am good. I just miss being about to click on a blog and see the total stats for it. I haven’t quite figured it out with the new format. I also miss seeing my total views. I need to change screens and it’s a pain. I used to take screen shots of it and post it on FB but it’s hard to do now. But now that I can screen shot on my phone, I think I can post it.

I’m getting really excited because this coming Saturday I will be going on a booze cruise around Boston Harbor to benefit Autism. I will be going with my youngest sister, who is also a mutual friend of the person running the cruise. It should be fun. I haven’t been around Boston Harbor in years so I am really looking forward to it. I love my city! I really can’t imagine living anywhere else, least not permanently. I have always wanted to go away to grad school somewhere because the tuition is cheaper. Now it doesn’t look like it will happen because I can’t afford to finish my bachelor’s degree. It still hurts. Just hope to win the lottery one day…

Saturday Blog 88

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 88

I surprisingly slept through the night, waking up around 0700. I was in pain, of course. I finally went back to sleep around 8 after I took my pain meds. I woke up three hours later with my foot still throbbing away, though at a lower intensity. I made coffee and had the scone that I didn’t eat yesterday. It was good. I wanted to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich but I couldn’t find the effort. My mouth is still hurting. I suspect it is going to bother me for at least a week. I have been trying not to eat on that side but it’s hard.

I woke up from a weird dream. It had Chester Bennington in it and I thought the person was going to sing one of Linkin Park’s new songs, One More Light. Instead my brain played Hoobastank’s The Reason. So that song has been in my head all morning.

I read Tom Sawyer while I had my coffee. I read three chapters, maybe four and then decided to go to Walgreens to pick up my prescription before I got lazy again. I bought some turkey bacon and wanted to make a sandwich but my foot went berserk when I came home. I will try and make it for dinner. I hope by then my foot calms down.

It’s really muggy outside and the house is worse. It rained this morning and didn’t cool off at all. I hate humidity. I wanted to make ribs but it’s too hot for the oven to be turned on. Tomorrow is supposed to be cooler so I’m going to try and make them then. The funny thing is, it was cheaper to buy these ribs in the store than online. I saved about a dollar in store versus online. Oh well. I am still making a list of what I need. I got the basics down.

I know it’s Saturday. It feels like this week went by in a blur. I know I slept through most of it because of not sleeping and pain. Next week should be fun. I am going on a Booze Cruise around Boston Harbor. I will have one drink or two and then just enjoy the ride. I am looking forward to it. The proceeds benefit Autism. I will be going with my sister as I didn’t want to go alone.

I’m getting hungry as I didn’t have lunch. I think I will have some cheese with wheat thins.

very tired, weepy, depressing day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Very tired, weepy, depressing day

I woke up around 4 in pain. My jaw hurt and my ankle was berserk. I took some more ibuprofen and pain meds. Luckily, I went back to sleep. My alarm went off and I didn’t want to get up. I thought I had snoozed it but I didn’t. My new phone has a lit up screen with the day and time and any notifications. I glared over and saw it was almost 0930. I had to get up, brush my teeth and wash my face. Then I put on deodorant as it was going to be hot today. I then got dressed and was really feeling frustrated that again I got no help when I seeked it.

I had emailed my PCP last night before bed to tell him I was in the ER. I got a response asking if I wanted to be seen and if I did I should call the office. I didn’t feel like being examined again, so I told them I pass and my pain levels were “normal”, whatever that is. I didn’t get a response back so I hope they go away.

I had my espresso and a steak and egg wrap that I like. Unfortunately, chewing was difficult. And it hurt. I tried to eat on my left side but it was hard. It was the only thing I had to eat all day. I bought a scone but I couldn’t bring myself to eat it. I saved it for tomorrow. Before I knew it, it was time to see my psych. The train was late. I just made it to my appointment. My psych was getting worried as I am always early. I explained the train was late and so therefore I was. We talked about the ER and she read me the notes. She jokingly said I was aggravated because my BP was up. HAHA. I wasn’t lying about that! The notes said I had diminished sensation on my foot in various parts and decreased range of motion. Tell me something I don’t know. She reassured me that I wasn’t having a recurrence of CES. She said it so sternly that it kind of freaked me out and then I became weepy and annoyed. I started to cry a little. I was really depressed and just wanted my pillow. When I said that she asked if I wanted pills. HAHA no, just my pillow will be fine. We have an appointment next week as then she is on vacation for three weeks. She stressed that someone else would be answering her pager while she was away. I told her I would just email her. Unless I was in dire straights, I don’t think I will page her covering doc.

I left and fell asleep on the train so I missed my stop. Sucks because I missed the bus as well so I had to wait an hour for the next one. I just tried to snooze as I listened to Bon Jovi. I was still weepy and felt relieved I didn’t have CES again. I think that is why I was so tearful. But still, if someone looked at me the wrong way, I was bound to cry, that’s how sensitive I was today.

I came home and my mother said I looked exhausted. I told her I was. I told her I didn’t want anything to eat. She made me a plate and then called three times. I told her my jaw was still hurting and I just needed something soft. I opted to drink an Ensure rather than make boiled eggs. I am hungry but I just don’t feel like aggravating my teeth right now.

I did a dumb thing. Last night I put in a refill for my Zoloft. It was an older prescription but I didn’t see the newer one. In my “history” the refill wasn’t there. That was because there were no more refills and I had just had it filled on Monday. I am a dum dum. I put away the meds that I recently got.

I took 2400 mg of Neurontin to try and sleep. Unfortunately, my neighborhood had other plans. There were sounds of hammering and other construction noises. Every time I tried to relax to sleep, some noise woke me up. I was so annoyed. I eventually fell asleep. Now I am feeling groggy and foggy. I took my night time meds plus my pain meds and ibuprofen. I think ibuprofen and I are going to be friends for a while. The dentist was concerned because the novacaine numbed the right side of my nose. He called me this morning to see how I was. I called back when I shuffled around trying to wake up. I told him I was fine, sore but fine. I was kind of nervous though because while I was eating my wrap, I felt like sand was in my mouth. I hope a filling didn’t come out. I was too tired to go back to the office to get checked out. I will be back in two weeks for another filling so I will have him check it then, unless it hurts really bad or something.

I talked to my psych about my therapist and the coordinator for the pain group. I told her I am still looking for another therapist but haven’t had any luck yet. I jokingly said I must be on some kind of blacklist. HAHA. She said no. She did find it odd that no one called me back. I hope to hear from them within a week or so. Otherwise, I will try another place. Until then I will continue to see the nail picker. I am going to try and ask him if he is mocking me or just throwing things out there to show he is listening but not offer any advice to help me. I really don’t feel a connection to him. He is just there for me to ramble but that is not what I want. I want someone that is caring and is willing to help me find new ways in dealing with my problems. I thought that was what therapy was all about, not just rambling on about shit.

I kind of got suicidal when I got home. It was just passing thoughts but I just wished I was dead. I feel nothing inside that makes me feel alive. I am in so much physical pain all the time, it’s just draining the life from me. Like is this how I am supposed to live the rest of my life?? I know suffering is part of life but must it happen on a daily basis? I cried when I was in my room as I thought about this stuff. I couldn’t help it. I hate feeling miserable. I rather feel nothing or depressed. I am just tired of fighting all the time. I don’t get a break from it. It’s going to kill me eventually. I will be another Chester Bennington, but a no name.