So I went to the ER tonight because my psych was worried something more was happening when I told her I couldn’t move my toes. It gets like that when I’m in severe pain but it sets off PTSD symptoms. I was having an anxiety attack which is why I called her. Anyway, the ER found nothing wrong with me and didn’t do any tests. I said just send me home so I can take my pain meds. The attending forcibly moved my toes downward causing me excruciating pain. Then told me I could move them. I told her she could move them, not me. Jerk face. She discharged me with me to follow up with my GP I sent my psych and GP an email telling them the ER did nothing for me as I was “normal”. I am beyond exhausted and in more pain than I was when I walk in. Hope I sleep tonight. The novacaine wore off so now my teeth hurt. Just been a really long day.
Category: cauda equina syndrome
severe back pain and PTSD doesn’t mix
Severe back pain and PTSD doesn’t mix
The past few hours, I cannot straighten out my back without severe pain. It is causing me to have flashbacks of the time I was first diagnosed with cauda equina syndrome. I remember not being able to walk or stand on my left leg without severe pain. Now I have back pain and my left ankle/foot is going berserk, which is causing me great anxiety.
I emailed my psychiatrist because I didn’t know what to do. I would have paged her but it’s late and I don’t want to bother her even though I am freaking out. I am trying to calm myself down by distracting and reading tweets about the game. Sitting is difficult but laying down is worse because my thoughts go crazy. It also increases my ankle/foot pain so I can’t win. I was able to brush my teeth but it hurt. I couldn’t use the prescription toothpaste because I had to sit down. I hate that I have to use two toothpastes at night.
I’m hoping this pain is caused by the weather. The temp has dropped several degrees and usually that brings me pain. I don’t know if it is going to rain or not. I am guessing it will because it usually activates my back pain. I haven’t don’t anything I shouldn’t have done or lifted anything heavy. It annoys me when I am hurting for no reason. It could be a delayed reaction to the beds in the psych unit. I was on a hospital bed but it was lumpy.
Sox are leading 3-0 as of now. The pain is driving me nuts. It’s all around my waist and lower back. I am trying to reassure myself that it is NOT cauda equina syndrome as there would be more symptoms of the syndrome but with my ankle and foot tingling and throbbing, it’s hard. My brain knows that it’s not CES but my feelings are like yes it is. You need to go to the ER right now. I am in panic mode and I don’t like it. I took an Ativan to calm down. Hopefully it will also relax my back muscles so they don’t hurt as much. I already took my pain meds, except the strong pain med, which I am contemplating. I have never taken it for severe back pain before so I don’t know if it will work. It’s funny, while I was in the hospital, the pill color was orange. The ones I have at home are white. Same size, just a different color. I have never seen it orange before.
Well, the score is now 4-3 Angels. Damn Price sucks. Giving up a gift of a 3 run lead. I don’t like him at all. Never have. I took the strong pain pill and hope it helps, or at least allows me to go to sleep. I really hate having PTSD. I remember nearly everything while I was in the ED and them telling me I needed surgery, the surgeon sees me all for 10 minutes and then says yup, 830 in the OR. I was scared shitless. I asked him when I would be able to walk again and he said three days. It was a week before I was able to move my toes again, with effort. I never want to go through that again. I will kill myself before I need another emergency back surgery. Two was enough for me.
don’t call me daughter 4
Don’t call me daughter 4
My family had dinner at my house. We had lasagna that my mother made. It was going good. Then after dinner we just sat around chatting. That when someone said something about my haircut and my mother shrieked and said I was hideous. She couldn’t stand to look at me. And she kept calling me a her. That triggered my suicidal tendencies.
I felt like coming out as most of the family was around. I knew I would have the support of my sisters. But I couldn’t bring myself to do it because I felt like I would just leave and never come back. I would have grabbed my lethal bottle of pills along with my other pills so I don’t throw them up and make it to my suicide spot to have it over and done with.
I still am feeling hurt hours later. I felt like talking to my sister but I know she would just say that I should just “let it go”. How can I when you own mother tells you to your face you are hideous because of your military haircut? I get no support from her at all. This just seals the icing on the cake.
I so badly wanted to correct my sister and mother when they were calling me “she” and “her”. I felt so hurt. The pain was so indescribable that I could feel it and not feel it at the same time. I was just shocked because she said it in front of my sisters, my brother in law, and my nephew. I don’t remember if my little niece was there or not. My mother actually shivered in disgust as she talked about how hideous I looked with my haircut.
I love my haircut and I think I will continue to get this cut every time I go to the barber, if I don’t end up killing myself within the next week or so. I have never felt so ashamed to be my mother’s child as I did last night. I am her first born and to be treated this way, just kills me inside.
My physical pain has taken on it’s life on its own. I have had severe pain the last three days. It starts in my foot and then travels to my ankle. I am getting more and more reliant on my strong pain pill, which is just causing havoc with my bowels. And when you have a nerve injury, things don’t move the way they should anyway. Constipation makes it worse. I have been having to push so much that at times I feel like I am going to pass out. It fucking sucks. It’s only putting more nails in my coffin.
If the weather wasn’t supposed to be so shitty today, I would attempt to end my life. I had emailed my psychiatrist that I wished I was never born. I also posted it on social media and I got the typical “you shouldn’t say that”. Why the fuck not?? It’s my fucking life. You don’t know what I have been through. You don’t know the hell my mother is putting me through. Would it be better if I just died by suicide?? I think it would be. I am tired of living anyway. I have nothing worth living for. I am disabled and there is nothing I can do to change that. I can no longer work or even go to school, mostly because I don’t make the money to go. It’s hard to come up with or save $1200 for one college class on disability. It makes me sad that my dream of just even getting my bachelor’s degree is stuck. Looking back, I should have gone to UMB to get my degree rather than an Associate’s. But what is done is done.
Grumpy Gus
Grumpy Gus
I have been in a grumpy mood for most of the day. I had a bad night of sleeping. I woke up around 3 in pain and it never settled down. I am sticking with my diet today, though. I just need two more shakes and I will be done for the night.
I tried taking a nap but couldn’t so I took some Ativan to calm down. I really wanted to take a strong pain pill because my foot was going fucking berserk on me and it was really getting me agitated. I couldn’t move my foot/ankle any which way without pain. I didn’t go out today. Just going up and down the stairs to use the bathroom was torture. I know I will be having a bowel movement soon and I am not looking forward to going down the stairs again.
My fricken mother woke me up from my nap and I was not happy. She wanted to know what I wanted for dinner, at 1430!! WTF. She usually calls me around 1530 to ask. I was so bullshit. I still am. She always calls whenever I nap or am sleeping. It’s like I am supposed to be at her beck and call. And then she gets mad if I don’t answer the phone, especially if I am home. I am so pissed at her. Now she is playing her dice game and it’s annoying the fuck out of me. I’m going to hide it on her and throw the damn kettle out of the window.
Forget about changing the sheets today. That is not going to happen because my foot is being a fuck. I’ll just wrestle with the sheets one more time to get them back on the bed. I should have put in a refill for my meds through my PCP’s office today but I was so out of it, I didn’t think of it till now. Now I will have to wait until next week. Fuck. I hope I can last the weekend. I have been trying to be conservative with my meds which is why I didn’t take the strong pain pill before my nap.
I have the appointment with ortho tomorrow for my Achilles problem. I am really nervous and I know I am not going to be able to walk after they poke and prod my ankle. I am going to get there early in case they need to do X-rays. I might bring my cane with me just in case. It will be cold out so I won’t be wearing shorts. I will wear sweatpants so they are easy to pull up. Jeans would be difficult to roll up.
The psychotic stuff that I experienced on Monday has left. I think I am over it for right now. I just got to keep my stress levels low and I think tomorrow’s appointment is weighing on me more than I realize. I keep on having dreams of my father, nothing scary or anything but they are just weird. I can’t remember them when I wake up.
midnightdemons7 
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