Category: Chronic pain

Lunch with a friend and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, mood disorders, physical pain

I went to bed around 3. Pain was being such a fuck. I was getting hopeless and depressed. I sent my psychiatrist a message but she never responded. I see her Monday. I hope that she understands what I am going through.

I woke up around 6 and then around 830. I didn’t want to leave the comfort of my bed. I didn’t have to leave the house till around 1030. I had a list of things to do after I saw my friend for lunch. It would depend on how much pain I was in but I would try.

I went downstairs to put the groceries away. The delivery came and I just put away the frozen and refrigerated stuff. I left everything else as I wanted to sleep. My mother was up. She asked why I left the stuff and I told her why. I did three trips to the kitchen, my office, and the back porch. I was exhausted afterward. I didn’t feel like showering. I went upstairs and got dressed. I brought my tote bag with me as I didn’t feel like carrying my backpack. I grabbed my mug for coffee. I needed coffee.

It was cold and the wind made it colder. I didn’t wear my scarf. I wish I did. The bus seemed to take forever. It finally came after twenty minutes. I thought about ordering a mobile order for Starbucks but I didn’t know what I wanted to drink. Even when I got there, I was staring at the menu. I finally decided on a toffee latte and a cheese danish.

I brought my journal along in case I had time to write but I didn’t. I took a few sips of the latte to make room for the lid and then left for the train station. As I was walking to the station, my friend messaged me about meeting 15 mins later. That was no problem. I waited for her at the restaurant.

We had a good time catching up. The food was good. We talked about all kind of things. The last conversation we had was about our friend who died by suicide 2 years ago. It was something we were hoping to avoid but couldn’t. Chris was a close friend to her than I was. She told me aspects of his life I didn’t know and it made me angry the his partner treated him wrongly. It was sad that he took his life for reasons only he would know.

My friend and I parted. She went back to her building and I went off to do my errands. I literally went around one big circle, with the train station being the starting point. I did all the I wanted and added one. I made an appt with a new eye doc as my doc retired. I need new glasses as I have been having trouble reading with the ones I have.

I went back to the Square and froze as I waited for the bus. I missed the 1420 so had to wait for the 1520. It was on time. I was feeling ok pain wise. Least I was until I got up at my stop. Then it felt like a rod went through my ankle. I limped the rest of the way home.

I got home and there was mail and some packages for me. I brought them inside, sorted them, and then dashed up the steps. I needed to use the bathroom. It was too late. I wet my pants and I wasn’t happy. I changed and then opened my packages. Some were for the kitchen as I bought a new electric can opener. Hope it is easy to use. The rest of the stuff I brought upstairs. My feet were ice cold. I put on a pair of socks. My mother was making the cod I bought yesterday for dinner. It was really good.

After dinner I was really cold and sleepy. I decided to take a nap. I wasn’t expecting the door bell to startle me awake. I woke up all disoriented, not knowing where I was or what time of day it was. I was still cold. I didn’t go downstairs to see what was going on. I snoozed for a bit before my bladder told me to get up again. I went downstairs and it was really cold. I turned up the heat a notch. Probably will regret it but least I’ll be warm!

Atypical migraines are so much fun

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, mood disorders, physical pain

I didn’t have the best sleep. Woke up in pain, the same pain I’ve been having the last three days. I managed to go back to sleep for a few hours. Then I got up to use the bathroom and brush my teeth. Decided to make breakfast even though it was noon. It came out alright. I was debating making coffee but thought I would go back to sleep. My ankle was still being a fuck. Bearing weight just killed me as did any movement. It was close to 1230 by the time I finished breakfast. I decided to go to the Square to get a haircut, my Casi Cielo, and burgers for tonight and then pick up my prescriptions.

I was kind of early for the bus so had to wait. It was cold and sunny. I had to wear my Sox hat because the sun was in my eyes. The wind made it feel colder than it was. The bus came and I got to the Square. I went to my barber’s shop. He was available so I didn’t have to wait. I showed him a cut I wanted rather than the usual one i get. It looked really good. I like it.

I then went Starbucks and got two bags of my coffee. I wanted a cup of that coffee but they didn’t have it for the day. I was bummed. I had a mocha instead. I didn’t stay too long as the next bus was coming. I went to the butcher shop for burgers. I also looked at the cod. It was 12 bucks for a pound and a half. I got it. I really wanted fish. I walked back to the bus stop and waited.

Bus came and then I went to Walgreens. I thought they would have the invega that was out of stock yesterday but it didn’t come in today. They said it could be tomorrow and if not call them and they can shop around for where I can get it. I was bummed. I started to feel dizzy but it was manageable. I walked home. The package my friend in Canada sent me arrived. I got the mail and brought it all upstairs. My mother wasn’t home. She was down her sister’s. I put the stuff away and then brought my package upstairs. The dizziness got a little worse as I climbed the stairs.

I opened the box and it had a lot of things. Two mugs, a journal, a cute stuffed giraffe, and a Canadian towel. Chocolate too! I was so happy. It made my day.

My mother came home and I was getting a little hungry. Maybe that was why I was dizzy. I made us dinner and the dizziness got worse. I went up to my room and the big light hurt my eyes. Took me a little while to realize it was a migraine. I took my migraine meds. I feel better but am wicked tired, which is typical after a migraine. I wish I could sleep but I got to stay up for my grocery delivery. It is coming soon, I hope.

I made a list of things I need to do tomorrow. If I get 2 of the 4 done I’ll be happy. I am glad I figured out the dizzy spells were of migraine activity than something else. Hate it that I have atypical migraines. Here I was thinking it was a withdrawal of some med but I have been taking all my meds and have not been skipping doses. So weird. I am glad it is sorted out now. Now I know what to do the next time it happens.

Hopeless and thinking of the end game

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, physical pain, suicidality

I’ve been in a rotten mood all day. I’ve been sleeping in 3 hour increments, the first one happening at 3 am. I was in pain and just did not want to move. I also didn’t want to take my pain meds. I’m just sick of taking them, actually, I’m sick of taking all meds today. I didn’t take my morning meds. I shut the alarm off and then fell back to sleep only to wake up a few hours later. 

My mother called around 1pm and I thought it was an alarm going off. By the time I realized it was my phone ringing, it was too late to answer. She called because she wanted me to open the door for the therapist. I was pissed. I didn’t want to get out of bed. I had to pee so I got up. My ankle felt like it was being crushed. That further caused my mood to go south. I carefully went downstairs and used the bathroom. I brushed my teeth. Then went downstairs to open the door. I didn’t feel like eating or anything so went back to my room. I got pissed off again because my bowels decided it needed to be emptied not even 10 minuted back to my room. Fuck. Went back sownstairs again. I decided to make something to eat. My mother was making beef stew but it wasn’t ready. I had a ham and cheese sandwich. 

Went back to my room and I just wanted to die. My mood was so low. I felt like I was under the blackest clouds. No light was ever going to shine through. I thought about texting my therapist but didn’t. What was he going to do? I really thought of ending it somehow some way. I decided to make a cup of tea and have a pop tart. 

Went back downstairs. My mother was in the kitchen and the therapist had left. I asked my mother if she wanted tea and she did. I made a cup for her as well. In had the pop tart. My ankle was in rough shape and I felt so angry to be in pain for the third day in a row, the same type of pain. After I finished the pop tart, I went up stairs again to drink my tea. 

I sat on my bed. I didn’t turn on any lights. I read Twitter and Facebook. When I finished my tea, I tried to nap. I kept thinking of what would happen to my nieces and nephew should I die. I am so depressed I can’t even think of a date to end my misery. I can’t be bothered with planning my own death. My mother called me to say the stew was done. I didn’t want any. She said she was hungry, so I told her to eat. 

I wish I wasn’t around anymore. I just can’t deal with pain and no one (other than my support group) helping me to deal with my pain. I am back in the pit of despair. And this time I am so far deep that I can’t even think of how or when to end my life. How sad is that?

Emotional rollercoaster Sunday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, disability, mental illness, mood disorders, physical pain

well, let me tell you a little about my day. I wake up and text my bro in law who has promised to replace my ceiling fan for going on 3 weeks now. He says he can’t (after telling me he could last night) because he has to decorate his tree and then do snow removal. Okay. Another weekend of having a potential fire hazard but who am I to judge. I am mad because I go to his apartment for some English muffins as ours I had to throw away because of mold, and he is sitting on his rump, tree isn’t decorated and the snow isn’t removed. I was fumed.

I then watch a goofy sentimental video on twitter that brings dust to my eyes. I am overcome in emotion. I then decide to use the old laptop for some computer work. I plug in the stupid cord, foot goes berserk. I had enough and it’s only 3 o’clock. Now I am really crying as I know there is no controlling this pain like it has been going on the past 3 weeks or more. 😥

I went downstairs to have dinner before BPD chat. As I was walking toward the 1st fucking step, my damn foot explodes, again. I couldn’t bear weight. The cane was upstairs with my walking boot and my sister and her daughter’s were out. I started crying again. I sat on the stairs. My mother is telling me to sit on the couch and I yelled at her because I could walk the 5 steps to the couch. I just sat on the stairs, drinking the iced tea I made, wishing it was alcoholic. I was waiting for my phone to go off telling me it was time to take my pain meds, but I never set it. Took me more than a few minutes to collect myself and the pain to calm down enough for me to climb up the stairs.

Then I decided to join BPD chat. I was getting heated over someone who thought you can’t approach someone without training. Like what the fuck. I am not a professional but I always say I am available to talk to someone if they need an ear. I don’t have “training”, just compassion and empathy, which is all you really need. I was so fucking mad. 

Then I tried copying and pasting what I wrote on FB to a word doc and half of it goes through. So I’m now using my phone to write my blog as my new laptop sucks. Pain meds are kicking in and my damn mother has turned up the fucking heat again to heat stroke conditions. I turned on the fire hazard fan. Don’t fucking care anymore. I still need to fill my med box for the week. Dont know if it is worth standing for 15 mins or so. I’ll put tonight’s meds in a bottle and put it by the bed so I don’t have to get up again.

I’m emailing my psychiatrist and telling her I’m going to take 25 mg of Zoloft as my emotions are all over the fucking place. I have been really angry or just cry for no reason. I know there are reasons for it but since coming off the med, I cannot tolerate being so emotional all the fucking time. I have enough med to last me till June, I think, if my stomach can tolerate it. I’ll try to eat something with my meds to counteract the nausea but not sure that will work as it didn’t while I was in the hospital. 

I feel like yelling at my mother to turn down the fucking heat. I truly hate not being able to get around my own house, on my own two feet. It is making me really depressed. As I was sitting on the stairs, I was thinking maybe between my mother’s insurance and mine, we could get a stair climber thing. Only thing is, I’m not sure our walls are strong enough for the placement of the trolley. Plus our stairs aren’t straight down like you see in the commercial. It has a few curves.

One of my high school friends posted on Facebook about maple syrup. Think tomorrow I’ll make oatmeal pancakes. I love maple syrup but it is too expensive for me. Maybe my next grocery order I’ll splurge and get it. I did find out it can spoil so needs to be kept in the fridge.