Category: chronic physical pain

Migraine because bright days suck

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Migraine because bright days suck

Lately, I have been really photosensitive. I don’t know if it is because of the pain or that my migraine activity has been ramped up due to the pressure and weather changes we have been having the past couple of weeks. I reluctantly got up, took my meds, and then had to make something to eat because I was starving. I must have sat in the bright kitchen maybe twenty minutes when my head started to hurt. Then the noise from the TV in the living room was like a hammer to my head. I couldn’t stand to look out of the windows in the French doors. I took some ibuprofen and then retreated to my room.

I want to make the chili cornbread my barber likes. I forgot to take out the frozen corn so need to let it thaw a bit. I can’t stand being in the brightly lit kitchen anyways. I took my migraine meds and I am hoping that settles down the brain squishing in my head. I don’t know what I am going to do when it goes away and I have to be in the kitchen. Maybe I will wait till the sun goes down to make it. My mother won’t eat it so it will only be for me. I won’t eat the whole thing (I never do, which is why I give it away). I will be making a little thing for myself so I don’t have to take a slice. It is better this way as the cornbread mix is kind of too much for the pan and overflows while baking it. Last time I held some aside in its own dish it was perfect.

Facebook seems to be down right now. I don’t know when it will be back up. I had a funny story with my mother I wanted to post. I probably will later. I try to post these conversations so they give me a laugh later.

Alan Alda posted a thing on Twitter about his podcast. At the end of each podcast, he asks seven questions. He wanted his followers to answer them and possibly be picked for his show. I was stumped on two of the questions. One was “what do you wish people understood about you” and the other was “what is the strangest question anyone has asked you”. I had to really think about it and the strangest question was how did I know I was male? The other was probably to have people realize that there are relapses in dealing with my mental illness. People seem to think that when you are down and then come back up, you are okay from now on and that really isn’t always the case. Like my suicidality may go away for a bit when my depression lessens or I am really looking forward to something important. Eventually though, it comes back and festers. I am sort of lucky I haven’t made an attempt in a long time but I plan a lot of ways I should die. I sometimes will be okay for a few days when my pain is less (if that was the trigger that caused it).

Thank god. My computer restarted for windows update before I saved this document. I would have been pissed if it was lost. I just finished with making the chili cornbread casserole. It was really good. Unfortunately, I had only half of what I made for myself because I had chips waiting for it to be done. Oven took more than hour to cook. I had the infrared gun show it was 350 degrees (supposed to be 380). About forty-five minutes later, the temp dropped to 260. My mother is being so fucking picky over the colors of the stove. We have a white top and black oven. No one sells this anymore. It is all one color so doesn’t want it. I am ready to just take her card and order one and just be like too bad, you waited too long! Fuck. Been at least three months since she knew we needed another one. I am so hesitant to use it anymore because I can’t spend all day waiting for things to bake or cook. My fricken foot and ankle right now is a 10. I have no idea if the foot will swell or not. It still is swollen from Monday night. Stupid pressure went up so I hope it levels off, but I doubt it. Temps are going up tomorrow so I am going to take it easy the rest of the night. I need to go to the FedEx place to pick up my package. I will go to the Starbucks there, too. Because I had to finagle the bagel, I didn’t put too much funds on my Starbucks card. I am not going there regularly anyways.

My barber is working tomorrow but doesn’t know when he will be in the shop as he has something to do in the morning. I will be taking his food Friday, which is just as well as I finally got an appointment with my psychiatrist. It is late afternoon, which I don’t like but will take it as I need to see her. It probably is better that way as I have been having the hardest time getting up before noon.

Free form blog

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, painsomnia, physical pain, suicidality

Writing this from phone so who knows if it will substitute words…

My CRPS foot has swelled up. Big toe is huge and foot is a melon. I have no idea why. I might have put more weight on it because of the heel pain in my right foot. Either way I cannot get the damn lower leg to relax enough so I can bloody sleep! Like WTF. I turn it this way and that and the muscles start trembling, in my foot and lower leg. I am fucking tired.

I got about two or three suicide notes to write. I got to find my post that have these lyrics because stupid me didn’t put the date on anything and it is bugging me. I am waiting for meds to kick in. Took another melatonin and ativan. Also took baclofen for the tremors. I don’t know what else to take.

Oh and you should NOT MIX ATIVAN/LORAZEPAM WITH ALCOHOL, LIKE EVER.

Just had to get that off my chest. I have been in bad moods before but this sucks. I am now feeling hopeless things will get better. I have PT tomorrow and no idea if I will be able to walk. I might get my nephew to drive me, if he isn’t doing anything. But not sure he will like going near where my father used to live and I don’t want to trigger him.

I wrote two more notes. Think two more are in order and then I will feel better to those left behind. Still few weeks away. Still may not go through with it. But it is on my mind tonight. Chronic pain is driving this more than anything or anyone else. I am just s hopeless case with bipolar disorder and unbearable pain, physical and emotional. I always knew one day I would die by my own hand. I just wish it was sooner than now. Last year was the right time. I wasted opportunity after opportunity. I just can’t deal with this bullshit anymore. Night after night after night of pain and no sleep. I’ve reached my breaking point. I call uncle.

Both ankles suck!

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Both ankles suck!

I hardly got any sleep last night. Some of it was due to pain. I was talking to a friend via FB messenger last night and the stabbing pains began. Then I don’t remember what I did, if I got up and then went back to bed or what, but I slammed that side of my foot onto the mattress and I saw stars. Melatonin and Ativan had already begun to do their magic and I was so itching to get to sleep but how can you sleep when your ankle bone is being hammered and the joint space is being stabbed repeatedly??

I slept a light sleep. My alarm went off and I just shut it off. I turned over and got about an hour or two before I woke up again. It was around 10 or so. I decided to shower as I needed one. The T is making the chemistry of my sweat change and I am smelly. I don’t like this new smell. I came back to my room after showering without any mishaps. I then decided to put on the new brace I have so I could break it in. I wanted to try wearing it outside.

I had to do an errand for my mother so after killing some time on my phone, I got dressed. One thing that sucks with the brace is going downstairs is harder because it is restrictive. I loosened up the wrap around part and that made movement a little better. I grabbed the stuff I needed before going out and asked my mother if she needed anything before I descended down the stairs. She only needed the paper for Walgreens. OK. I went down and put my shoes on. I am glad the brace fits in my boot but I couldn’t zip them up as it was just too wide for them. I swear I am going to stretch out both boots between my AFO and this brace. I checked outside to see if I needed a scarf and got blasted with sunlight. I closed the door and put on my sunglasses, grabbed my jacket and backpack, then left. I did my mother’s errand and had like a good half hour, if not more, to wait for the bus to the Square. I decided to take the other bus and catch another bus. It would be the same time as I got to Starbucks around noon. I had my espresso and some egg bite things with Gruyere cheese and bacon. It was good and very filling.

I wrote in my journal for a bit, keeping an eye on the time. I wanted to listen to a Luke Bryan song and when I went into the album, the songs were missing. WTF. I had to download them again because Amazon music sucks! I listened to other songs as I wrote. I was kind of nervous meeting the social worker. I printed out the spreadsheets I use to help me finagle my finances. I was looking for her for help in trying to sort them out without being stressed. I wrote for a bit and had to take the brace off as I didn’t want to wear it the whole time I was out. My PT had told me not to wear it for more than 2 hours until it is broken in.

I got to the hospital early. I could have seen my friends in the lab but decided not to. I went to the building where the social worker’s office was. She wasn’t at my PCP’s office, thank god but it was still a walk around the place. I got to the coffee shop in the main aisle and was reminiscing about all the times I got my coffee there, while I continued to walk. I was about to enter a different building when I caught myself as it was not the way to where the social worker was. I laughed at myself at my mistake. I was still early and around 2 she called me in. We went over my bills and she asked what my bills were and what my income was. The way it is right now, I will have $1 after all is paid. This is only because I have to pay my cellphone in full this month or they will cut it off. I have no idea how I got behind in my bills. I just know I can’t spend $200 on groceries anymore. I just can’t afford it. I think a week before I get paid, I will start my list. There are things I buy all the time that are a good chunk of money, but that is only because Peapod jacks the price for being delivered, in addition to the delivery fee. Assholes. So anyways, she told me some ways I could save and some finance person that blogs about managing money I could get tips from. We discussed opening an account, but I am hesitant to do so. My savings money always seems to be my spending money after a while. I told some things I want to get but I can’t right now due to not having enough to do it. I left with some ideas I will try next month.

Going home, my heel flared up so walking was difficult. I missed the 313 bus at the Square and I didn’t feel like waiting for the 430 one. I took another bus and then another bus home. Took me an hour because the second bus was late. Neither foot or ankle were liking me much. I had to pee really bad so soon as I walked in the door, I went to my sister’s apartment to use the bathroom. I knew I wasn’t going to make it if I went to my bathroom. I then sorted the mail before going upstairs. I gave my mother her mail and then went up to my room to change. Because last week I didn’t eat right, I supposedly lost 10 pounds. I hope I keep it off but we’ll see. My mother made pork for dinner tonight. Yuck. I ate it but it was making me sick. I went upstairs again and my ankles were in mutiny. Sadly, both hurt in relatively the same areas. I took some ibuprofen, pain med, and Tylenol. I am so tired. I was going to read Harry but I am getting a headache from lack of sleep so I am just going to try and see if I can sleep before midnight. I got PT tomorrow and hope I don’t hurt all night like last week. I really missed going to Starbucks. Maybe I will go Thursday or so. My barber still needs his chili cornbread!

Daylight saving time sucks!

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Daylight saving time sucks!

Last night I was just reading. I finished Langford’s Leap by Ted Boone. It was such a good female hero book. I cannot wait for the second book to come out. After I finished that, I read this memoir that I started in December. I might have mentioned it before as a “sugar-coated” book. It is terribly written and I just couldn’t finish it. It was getting me so damn frustrated because of the drops and not explaining then going on to something else. It also used mental health and mental illness like it was interchangeable (sorry, it most definitely is not). The author never went into her symptoms so I find it hard to relate to something when this was similar to what I have been writing for a while now. It was like she was putting it out there and then just left it there. Like she would say she was suicidal or had a suicide attempt where she didn’t care if she did or didn’t die but no background to what lead up to that point, no talk of depression or despair or frustration, nothing. I especially didn’t like where she was talking about mass shootings and there was a KEY word missing in the sentence. I had read it three times and it was just bad. Terrible editing on whoever did it. I just decided to write a review and called it a day.

I then went to Harry Potter and got sucked into the wizard world. Around 0030, I finally put the book down and tried to sleep. It took a few tries to get comfortable and then out of nowhere, my damn right instep was killing me. I took some ibuprofen and Tylenol. I couldn’t figure out why it was hurting so bad. I had only got up once to stretch the whole time I read, and there were at least 3 or 4 hours where I was just on my bed. I finally decided to put some diclofenac gel on and then I realized why I was hurting. The golf ball size swelling had moved up my foot and was very inflamed. I don’t know if while lying down the weight of my other foot set it off or what. I had got up around 0130 and realized that in a half hour, it was going to be 3 am instead of 2 due to the time change. I wasn’t looking forward to that because it was going to throw me off. Next thing I know it is 4 am because I decided to read Harry again to wait for the meds to work their magic. I fell asleep somewhere around 0430.

I woke up a few hours later because my mother got up. She is not quiet and her breathing is very labored. As much as I hate the woman, I care for her wellbeing, though I try not to as she doesn’t listen to me anyway. Her breathing is like she is puffing the air out of her lungs. Her COPD is worse (though she will say her knees are causing it). She doesn’t use her inhalers at all. She had paid for a nebulizer and used it maybe a week or two. Now not using it all. Her breathing was slightly better than it was but now without the medication, she is back to her huffing and puffing. I have to listen to her as she climbs the stairs every night just to make sure she doesn’t collapse. I am hoping that when my sister lives with us, I don’t have to worry so much. I wish she would just move her bedroom into the dining room but nope, she doesn’t want to give it up despite her not using it for anything other than her gatsies (little trinkets and things just used for display). I understand her mother gave her those things, or rather were my grandmother’s things before she died but all it is doing is collecting dust. Today she refused to yield me any fucking space to put my mugs yet wanted them in my room. Fuck, seriously? Seriously. She wouldn’t allow me to keep things even though I would like space to. She is just so fucking selfish when it comes to the house, this is mine and that is mine so you can’t use it. Meanwhile she nearly burnt the crap out of my new kettle because she didn’t put enough water in it for making her coffee. She leaves water in it so the bottom of the thing is starting to rust. That is okay though…because she didn’t buy it. I am ready to buy an electric water kettle just so she doesn’t use mine and can do what ever she wants, which she does anyway. I just get so fucking frustrated because she tells me how to live my life, doesn’t use my changed name, doesn’t respect me in any way, shape, or form. Today she had the gall to say G or my birthname or what ever you are. I got mad and said what am I to you, two different people? Then she spewed that she has been calling me my birthname for 40 years so isn’t going to change. Fuck you too. I don’t know why the fuck I bother. I get so hurt and she doesn’t care. She is so transphobic.

I wanted to change my sheets today but my CRPS foot is giving me grief. It has been snowing and raining most of the day so that is probably why. I ordered take out for the first time in a few months. I wanted a burrito but the place didn’t have drivers so canceled my order. I was disappointed. I ordered a burger from another place. Now both feet are killing me just from going up and downstairs. I fucking hate being in pain all the fucking time. It is the biggest trigger of my suicidal thoughts. I am still thinking of my plan. I don’t know if I will go through with it but it is on the backburner. Tomorrow I am seeing my PCP’s social worker to work on some financial planning and things. I hope that she can maybe speed up the process for therapy as I am really needing to talk to someone about things. I know I have this blog but sometimes actually talking to someone helps unload things. I don’t want to call my friends because I don’t want them to worry or be mad at me. Just sucks that even though the majority of my friends accepts that I have depression, some are not so accepting that I have suicidal thoughts and plans, even if it is just to hear me out. I no longer bring it up with them. I guess it is a “don’t ask, don’t tell” situation, which really bugs me. As many times as I have had trouble with therapists, it is the same. No one wants to truly hear how dark my thoughts are. Makes me feel more alone with each passing day. I know there are people out there that say “you aren’t alone” but when you are chronically suicidal, you really are. I just wish I would go through with it so it will end.