Category: chronic physical pain

Diagnosis, pain, and other things on 23 Aug 18

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Diagnosis, pain, and other things on 23 Aug 18

I saw my neuro today. I have been seeing her for over 10 years. She called me by my birth name and I had to correct her. She said she didn’t notice it before I said something. I said you’ve known me for a long time and it was after I last saw you, so I am not surprised. She thinks the balance issues I have been having is because of CRPS and my ankle instability at the moment as I have a sprained ankle. She said she would email my PT to tell her “more exercises” in my right leg as I need to strengthen it to support me. We also talked about the thigh pain and she thinks it maybe a tightening up muscle. Also need PT for that as I can’t bend my leg behind me and pull my ankle toward my body. I haven’t been able to do that since my CES and now will be impossible as I can’t touch my ankle. I had horrible sensation pains last night that I had to keep my foot uncovered. I don’t think I fell asleep until after 0100.

Walking to the hospital was okay but set off my allergies as the pollen count is high. I also had to walk around while in the hospital because the café I usually go to was closed. I had to go to the main one which I had never been to before. I then kind of got lost going back to where my neuro was as I couldn’t find signs for the building. I was so annoyed. I get to the office and as I am taking my seat in the waiting room, my foot does the inward turn because it was fatigued as I wasn’t wearing my brace. I still had to go home so this was not fucking good. I talked about that with the doc as well and she just wanted PT. I have no new neuro stuff going on, which is good as I was thinking the worse and almost had a breakdown in the waiting room because of the turn. Walking back to the train station, I was wheezing bad and didn’t have my inhaler. I calmed down a bit but soon as I got home, I took my mother’s inhaler because I my ankle (CRPS) acted up big time. I foolishly side kicked the front door to shut it and my foot didn’t like the extension.

I bought pizza for dinner on the way home. My mother complained about it like she always does. Too thick. Too salty. Blah blah blah. After I ate, I went upstairs. I thought it was hot in my room so I had turned on the AC so it was fricken freezing in my room. I turned that off and the ceiling fan. I stood in the dark for a few minutes because I forgot the light was on. Shut off the power and both goes out. I so wish they were separate and I had a remote for them. Anyways, I am on my phone and I get an email saying I have a message on the patient web thingy that my doctors use. I check it and it was a message saying that I had a new visit note from my doctor. I scroll through it and nothing interesting pops up until I get to the diagnosis section. My neuro added that I have CRPS type 1 in left lower leg. HOLY SHIT I LOVE HER!! Finally, it is in my damn record I have CRPS!! No more denying that I just have chronic pain or chronic ankle pain. Maybe now the other idiots I see will READ and know this. I am so sick of them looking at my ankle and them saying I just have pain. It is more than that. So much more. I couldn’t have my sheet on my foot last night. It felt like it was burning me. That is how CRPS is.

I am in a lot of pain now and probably will be until I sleep. Sox had a day game so I won’t be up late, I hope. I had some orange spice tea as I am writing this. I am trying to wind down so I can sleep. Sox won their 90th game of the season. No one else in the MLB even has 80 wins! And to have it before September is so fricken awesome. There are roughly 30 games left in the season. If we can win 20 or more of those, I will be so happy as the Sox have not won more than 100 games in my lifetime.

Still emotional, thanks gender dysphoria

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, suicidality, transgender

My pcp is still a dickhead. I asked him if he would fill my female hormones and his nurse said sure what is it. I answered now I have to see the repro endo doc. He doesn’t want to do it. Fucking asshole. I’m still a wreck from yesterday and hate, absolutely HATE having to still take these hormones because my Testosterone therapy got pushed back because of him. Almost a year now he has been dicking me around, one thing after another. I am so sick of it. Am I supposed to just see him for cough and colds? It is looking that way. I don’t need a referral for my insurance so if I want to see a specialist, I am just going to. No point in seeing him first. Just a waste of time I could use to make an appt with the specialist.

Saw the pain program doc today. He is okay. Can’t comment more as all he did was repeat my medical history and type really fast. He wants me to continue to see my pain doc and I told him I might not as he is reluctant to increase my meds to give me some quality of life. How I am supposed to work in this program with horrendous pain, I have no clue. I also need to get a PT eval for my thigh as the program PT is 2 months away. I can’t wait that long. I am going to email my current PT and see what she says but I don’t think I can see two PTs at once. So fucking frustrating.

I had to make a pit stop to the Square because the bus that would take me home was longer than the bus to the square. I don’t care, though my sprain ankle is hurting. I didn’t wear the brace because I didn’t want to be bothered taking off two braces. I’m wearing 2 different sneaks and don’t fucking care.

I had a snickers latte today because I need it goddamn it!! Also had something to eat because of the emotional stuff. I feel better now. I need some protein bars. Getting irrational when I don’t eat is getting more frequent. Hope my diabetes test comes back within normal limits. My psych ordered it but I haven’t had a chance to get it drawn yet. Might get it done tomorrow if I am not up at the crack of dawn. My therapist is back from vaca. I see him tomorrow and I can’t wait. Got a lot to talk about.

My mother needed some things today so as I am out, I got to get them for her. I am going by that way so no big deal. I will get some protein bars with her cash as I am broke until tomorrow.

When i see my psych next i am going to ask her if i can go back to the LGBT clinic for T therapy. I just hope i don’t have to start the whole process over. It will send me over the fucking edge.

20 Aug 2018

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

20 Aug 2018

I went with my mother to her doctor’s appt. The ride to the doc’s was late. My mother got the return time mixed up. She thought it was later and it wasn’t so the driver wasn’t happy. Then we went to the bank to deal with some issues and we were there for nearly two hours. It was hard on my mother and I. She did okay going home and up the stairs. It was dinner time so I heated up some gravy and she wanted raviolis. They were good but later we both had a bowl of cereal as we were still hungry. I didn’t have anything to eat today except for a crumpet with my coffee.

My mother upset me today. We had gone to the bank to have them change my name on the accounts we share. She asked me why I changed it and I said I wanted a more male name. She said I wasn’t male, I was female. OMG, I wanted to fucking die. I was already having a hard time this week because of the things on my chest and here she is telling me the obvious by pointing to the incorrect body parts. I swear every time she said daughter today I wanted to say no, son, but I didn’t. It hurts so fucking bad that she does this. And I can’t write anymore as I am upset.

19 Aug 18

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

19 Aug 18

I have been having a bad day. Started with my sister calling me asking about my mother. She called and didn’t get an answer. I didn’t want to go downstairs. I am tired of doing this. I am a light sleeper, if something happened, I would have heard it and I would have called HER. Sure enough, I go downstairs and my mother is in the bathroom. The poor woman can’t shit in peace! I sent a text saying so to my sister and she says not to give her an attitude. Fuck you.

I am so damn mad. I didn’t want to get out of bed but I am too pissed off to sleep. I decided to make some bacon. I put away the dishes my mother took out of the dishwasher. I asked her if she wanted coffee and she did. I made her and myself a cup. After I did a few things in the kitchen, my mother was lying on the bed, going for the nap. The phone was furthest from her so I put it so she could reach it and then made a comment about how people freak out if they can’t get in touch with you. She told me to calm down. Really?? She isn’t the only person in this household disabled. I am getting tired of it.

I went upstairs so upset that I just cried. Then I took an Ativan to “calm down”. I am seriously thinking of going back in the hospital and let them fend for themselves without me here. I really hate that my mother didn’t validate me. My sister thinks I am giving her an attitude. I am so damn stressed my pain is ridiculous. I don’t need this shit. Last night pain was so damn bad, again, I didn’t sleep and was once again contemplating killing myself. It was after midnight so who was I going to call or do?

I am dreading tomorrow. I got to get up early and make myself something to eat. I got to make sure my mother eats something before we leave so her sugar doesn’t crash. I am also bringing juice and crackers just in case. I rather be over prepared than left taking her to the ER for hypo. The weather is supposed to be night. In the 70s. I am glad the humidity is gone. For the first time I have the AC off and I was cold so had to wear a long sleeved shirt. I hope things go smoothly. The only thing I am afraid of is her getting stuck on the stairs when we get home. But I will worry about that when it happens.

I shaved my head tonight but think I took too much off the back so now it is uneven. Money is going to be tight this month so I won’t be able to see my barber until the day before the wedding. Hopefully the top will grow so I have something to spike. The next day I will be going to a concert. It is going to be a busy week. I hope I don’t have flares, but I know I will as the dickhead pain doc won’t increase my meds. I should have wrote down what I planned on telling him but I will read his shit article and see if that drives up something. I see another doctor this week for the pain program. If I am lucky, maybe he will take over as my pain doc and be more compassionate.