Category: chronic physical pain

my stupid advice

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

My stupid advice

Whenever someone is feeling bad about something and I know it’s more than just the “blues”, I often tell them to seek out professional help. But if I took my own advice, where has that gotten me exactly? There are a million therapists out there, all with different degrees and modes of therapy. You often have to see a few to get chemistry with someone for it to be effective. I saw 11 by the time I was 25. And here it is, 16 years later and I might have to see therapist number 14. It’s getting old. I feel that I should be better by now or that I should have at least feel like I “cured” myself by some magic. I read enough about therapy to know what works and what doesn’t. Doesn’t that count for something?

I have seen psychiatrists, social workers, psychologists, and a psychiatric nurse working toward a doctorate. I can’t really say which profession was the best because they all left me before I could form an opinion on the matter and it hurt too bad. But the one that I am in now, the one with a psychologist, worked out pretty good until things just fizzled out. I think I just became too “smart” for her and she couldn’t keep up. She tried for a while until she realized she couldn’t anymore, that it was hindering my therapy. And now what to do?

The thought of starting over isn’t appealing to me. I really don’t want to go through the process. It’s difficult when you are already used to someone. I have read a lot about suicide yet it still eludes me. I want to act on my feelings of it yet I am still here. I know seeing someone new will have a great burden taking me on. I don’t know if they are willing to take that risk. I don’t know if I am either.

Someone I knew a long time ago and still do took my advice and is still alive today because she took it. She is grateful that I saved her life because she listened to me. I remember she was at a crucial period in her life. She was diagnosed as bipolar and at the time, I wrote a lot about the disorder. I told her she needed to see someone and be on meds to help herself. She is still alive because she took that advice. So sometimes, I don’t give out stupid advice. I just wish I could help myself. I have a great psychiatrist but for things to work in my disorder, you also need a therapist. I have yet to find one that is on the same page as me. I am too smart for my own good. And now another therapist is leaving because of it. Some advice giver I am.

what a fucking birthday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

What a fucking birthday

My day started out good. I woke up without pain (for the first time in a long while). My mother woke me up because she was vacuuming, something I said I would do in the morning. Oh well. I had a few minutes before the bus came and I wanted to get my Starbucks birthday drink. The bus was late. The guy that I don’t like because he is a creep was on the bus. A homeless guy got on and couldn’t pay his fare. The creep started making a stink about him and the bus driver let him off the bus. I felt bad for the guy.

I got to Starbucks and the cashier, who knows me, gave me an additional discount so that I didn’t have to pay as part of my birthday reward. I was thankful. Everything was going okay. I sat at Starbucks, wrote in my journal. Listened to my music. Then I caught the bus home. I was checking messages on my phone and I guess when I put my phone back on the clip, it caught on my jacket. It sometimes happens. I pulled the jacket out and thought the phone was still attached. I was walking home and my Bluetooth headphones stopped working. I didn’t know why until I walked a little further and felt no phone! It must have fell off the bus because it wasn’t in the street. Fucking A. I panicked. I hurried home to contact the T to see if they could check the bus. I called the number they gave me and it was too soon. I then tried to get my phone turned off so people wouldn’t use it should it be found. That proved useless as I couldn’t find the link or a human to do this. I filled out a claim for a lost phone, thinking my phone was gone forever. Great birthday.

While I was trying to figure out how to turn my phone off, I called my phone to see if maybe a good person found my phone. They did and they were up the street for me. I hurriedly went to meet them and got my phone back. I was so grateful. I was out of breath by the time I reached the guy as I had to go up the hill to meet him. By the time I came back home, I was having back dizzy spells and thought I was going to pass out. I then realized it had been more than 12 hours since my last pain med dose. I took some pain pill and an Ativan as I knew it was some kind of withdrawal. I had to stay very still to keep the room from spinning. By this time, asthma like symptoms were occurring and I was fucked. I kept on wheezing and coughing. I had to call sprint to cancel my claim but I couldn’t get a human. I finally called the customer service on my phone to reach someone. After more than an hour, I got the insurance people and they told me what to do to cancel my claim.

I was exhausted so I tried to nap. I kept on wheezing and coughing, which made it impossible. I needed an inhaler and luckily my mother had one. I had to go downstairs and get it. My ankle was not liking me at this point. Neither were my lungs. The inhaler helped but I still got the damn cough. I couldn’t rest, even if I wanted to so I made a cup of tea. By the time I made it and it was cooled off, I had my party. People came over the house and all hell broke up. Who was yelling over this and that. I hated the yelling. But that is how my family “talks”. Then an incident happened down my aunt’s house and got my aunt all nervous. My party and people are all talking among themselves like they always do. I just wanted to hide in my room. Around 2000, I had the cake and then opened my cards. My favorite aunt gave me some scratch tickets and I won $50. I never won that much before. I got Starbucks gift cards and some cash. I plan on getting Chinese food tomorrow as my family usually goes down to my aunt’s and I don’t like going. It’s way too loud.

So between losing my phone, almost passing out, finding my phone, then possibly losing $200 I had a bad birthday. I am glad this day is over.

finally decided to get up

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Finally decided to get up

I woke up early this morning, before 0600. I was in pain, like I am now, and took something for it. Then I checked my messages on my phone and FB. I had put on the “do not disturb” on my phone because the T kept on sending me messages last night and it was annoying me. Everything was annoying me last night. Then I had a Twitter rant and someone called my sister saying I was suicidal. WTF. I posted Pearl Jam lyrics for crying out loud! I was so pissed off.

I went back to sleep and just got up now. I didn’t want to but I had to pee. It was either use the bathroom or my bed so I chose the bathroom. I’m not doing much today. I just don’t care. I am in a rotten mood. My mother made cake last night and wrecked it so she is making another one. I had a few slices so that cheered me up some. I told her not to throw it away. She said she knows I will eat it. HEHEHE I love cake, especially yellow cake. That is what she is making for my birthday.

I am supposed to get my other protein shakes today but they haven’t been delivered yet. I can’t wait to try it. I hope it tastes good. I put off the diet for another week because I am craving ribs and want them before I diet. I also got a chicken recipe I want to try. It’s called “No Peek Chicken”. I don’t know why it’s called that. Probably because you don’t look at it while it’s cooking. It’s just a chicken and rice recipe. I hope it comes out good. I usually don’t have luck when it comes to making rice.

My mother made my favorite for supper, mac and cheese. I really wanted it. She said she was going to make Pasta Roni so I am glad she didn’t. It cheered me up some. Then she asked if I could vacuum the living and dining room. I told her I would do it tomorrow morning. I am in too much pain right now, even though I took my pain meds.

I got a Christmas card from a dear friend of mine today. That also cheered me up some because she always gets the right card to say what I mean to her. Years ago, there used to be a card company called Blue Mountain that had sentimental cards. I always picked one that was just right. They no longer sell it in drug stores. I think it’s just at Hallmark stores, which are one in a few around here. I haven’t been to a mall in years. I don’t like shopping much and what I need, I can get online. I found it funny that Walgreens sent me a special for my birthday. I had to spend at least $1 to get 50 points for their rewards program. Forget it. I do miss shopping at Target though.

Even though I slept most of the day, I am really tired. I think being in pain just wears you out. I wanted to go to Starbucks today but never found the energy to go. Another friend of mine who I told about the socks bothering me, was asking what kind of sock I wear. They have been the same kind of socks for the past several months. It’s only just recently that taking them off is bothering me. And it’s sometimes, not all the time. I will answer her email later. We write nearly every other day or every few days. She lives south of Boston and we have seen each other a few times via the commuter rail. She has since moved to another area so I am not sure we will be seeing each other as she isn’t close to the rail line anymore. She is a good friend.

It’s been a whole week that I haven’t had therapy. Next week my therapist is on vacation. So is my psychiatrist. I can email my psych if I need to. I won’t be having any contact with my therapist, not for the next two weeks anyways. It is strange not having anyone to talk to in that capacity after all this time. It’s the longest break we have had in some time.

wired as the pain comes back

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Wired as the pain comes back

I felt crappy this morning. Ankle was hurting so I took some pills. I waited till my mother left the house so the house would be mine and quiet as I made breakfast once the pain settled down. She left and so did my pain a few minutes later. I made my breakfast and was feeling pretty good that I was somewhat pain free.

I came back to my room and I had just enough time to catch the next bus to the Square to get espresso. I made it and had six shots of espresso. I got loaded off caffeine. Four shots weren’t doing it so I added two more. That did it and my heart was racing. It felt pretty good. I went to Walgreens on the way home to pick up my meds and avoided the ramp that usually hurts my ankle. Didn’t matter though. My ankle decided it was going to start up again. Meds had apparently wore off by this point.

I came back to my room and got undressed. I took off my sock as carefully as I could and it didn’t matter. My fucking foot exploded. Dammit! My bladder said it had to go so I had to go downstairs. Fuck. I went to the bathroom and washed my hands. I kind of always do after using public transportation to avoid getting sick. My mother made spinach and I had some then told my mother I was going to be in a drug haze as my foot flared up again. She wanted me to call the doctor and I said yeah, whatever. My foot is becoming more sensitive and I know no doctor can tell me why. Just the way the pain syndrome goes I guess. I didn’t have any injury to my foot, not recently anyways. There is no bruising or discoloration. It just hurts like a SOB for no goddamn reason. I have thermal socks on now because my feet were cold after taking off my regular socks. My mother said that I should have left my socks on. I hate wearing socks that I wear out in the house. It just goes against my grain.

Now my bowels are screaming at me so I will have to go back downstairs again soon. I’m not surprised given the amount of caffeine I had. I hope I am productive with this amount of caffeination. But I know my strong pain pill will damper my wired self down a few notches. I was writing in my journal that I wanted to take my laptop to Starbucks tomorrow to write some thing from the Daily Word Prompts from WordPress. I have a whole bunch of them that I have saved. I think it would be better to write on the laptop than writing in a notebook and then typing up what I wrote. Just is more work for me, but sometimes, handwriting is better because there is free flow. I don’t know how I am going to feel tomorrow so it is on the back burner for now.