Category: depression

Easter 2020

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Happy Easter and Passover to those that celebrate it. I had a good day despite going to bed at 6 am. My mother called me around dinner time (1430). Woke me from a dead sleep. Then I rushed to brush my teeth and look somewhat presentable. I didn’t have time to shower. The pharmacy closed early today so I wasn’t able to get my antibiotics. I really need to start it as my urine stinks and I still have pain when I void on my own, usually because the urge is so damn strong. After dinner I was exhausted so took a nap. I slept though my med alarm or I shut it off but didn’t take my meds until I woke up from my nap. Now I am awake.

I’ve been trying to go back to sleep but my bowels are awake and I keep having to go to the bathroom. Every time I come back upstairs I am winded. My heart rate goes berserk and I get short of breath. I know it is because I am recovering from surgery. Can’t wait for this to go away. I hate being out of shape. My back is killing me. Hope my trips to the bathroom are done.

I set up another zoom meeting with my family. It has been good catching up with everyone. I’ve been trying to get one cousin in chat but she hasn’t responded. I am going to message her via FB and see if she has been getting my emails. It is possible I have the wrong email address.

I had been wearing a compression sock for most of the day. It really helped quiet the pain last night. Pain has been a 2 most of the day with it on. Now that I have it off, pain is slowly creeping back up. Hope I get to sleep soon before it become unmanageable. I don’t want a repeat of last night. I have therapy at 10 so I need to be up by 9. I want to have coffee. I might get coffee from my sister’s Keurig. I need to buy some K-cups for the Keurig my other sister has. It is an older model and is slow as shit. Take like 5 mins to brew a cup and then takes forever fill the cup. I want to get the model my baby sister has as it is fast and there are different sizes for larger cups. I like a big cup of coffee in the morning.

Saturday Blog 11042020

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 11042020

I haven’t been keeping track of the days. I knew my friend’s birthday was the 11th (today) and for some reason I thought it was the 12th so I sent him a belated birthday message. Then when the date popped up I realized it wasn’t a belated greeting after all. I felt dumb. My friend wasn’t mad as he has been having trouble with the days, too.

I have been sleeping most of the day. I just am so fricken tired. I wanted to go to the pharmacy to get my meds but there was no way. I am still waiting for the antibiotic to be ready and it isn’t. I might have my brother in law get it tomorrow for me if I don’t feel up to walking. I should be able to go tomorrow but this tiredness is so enveloping. It hurts to breath some times. I don’t think I have ever felt so exhausted when I woke up. I didn’t sleep good last night and kept on having weird dreams. I dreamt I was at some amusement park and got a whiskey and coke before seeing my psychiatrist. Then when I went to see my psychiatrist, she was not where I had last seen her but in a different room. It was so weird.

Ankle is really bothering me today. I can’t seem to block out the pain anymore today so gave in to take a pain med. I don’t know why I feel guilty taking them. That is what they are there for. I don’t take more than I need. I guess I am just judging myself with the meds for whatever reason. Maybe I will talk it over to my therapist on Monday. Might be some good talk if she can understand why I need to take my breakthrough meds. She doesn’t understand chronic pain because she hasn’t had experience with it.

Last night I was in a bad mood. I don’t really know what set it off. I tried writing about it but didn’t get very far with it. I got more upset that I couldn’t write than anything. My last blog talks a little about it but not much. I hate when I struggle to get my words out. It is so annoying.

The nurse practitioner gave me antibiotics for this UTI I have. She was reluctant to do so because there wasn’t much bacteria in my urine. I am just grateful because I hate peeing every fricken hour. I hope once I finish it, I don’t pee so frequently. If I do, I guess the surgery did something to make me go more. I just wish I could sleep through the night without having to wake up to pee. I think that is why I am so tired today because I woke up and it took me forever to get back to sleep. I didn’t drink too much today so I hope I don’t wake up in the middle of the night again.

long day for a Friday

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Long day for a Friday

I woke up with a headache around 0500. I took some Tylenol and then I stayed up. I used the bathroom and found it hard to get back to sleep afterwards. The headache continued throughout the day. I am not sure why I have it and hope it isn’t because of a leak. I am paranoid about it. I am also really tired. I didn’t do much of anything today. I didn’t shower or shave. I couldn’t really stand for too long without my back hurting me. Just brushing my teeth set off spasms.

I feel like shit right now. Ankle is killing me with the throbbing that won’t go away. In another spot on my ankle I am being stabbed. I have two different types of pain going on at the same time and I just want to fucking die. I had taken my date off the table because I wasn’t suicidal. I texted my therapist this and now I am again suicidal. I got it in my head to be dead by such and such a date. I don’t know if I will go through with it but at least I have a date. The plan is already there. I know how I will end my life and there really is no stopping me.

bad day becomes bad night

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Bad day becomess bad night

I’m on the verge of crying. Feel so depressed. Pain is high not only in my back but damn CRPS foot/ankle. The throbbing is making me want to die. Been four fucking days with the same intense pain. The feeling of content I felt is gone. It has been replaced by depression and pain. I am sort of in a psychache where my heart is being shredded. All because my ankle/foot is hurting so damn bad. Back is bothering me too but it is not the same kind of pain. I know eventually the back pain will go away. Unfortunately, it is not tonight.

I am writing as a way to self-soothe, as my therapist puts it. Writing is all I know how to deal with this hurt. Problem is that words aren’t coming so quickly tonight because I am thinking instead of feeling. I am wondering if this is a right or wrong thing. I’ve suddenly become self-conscious about my writing when I am feeling this way and it prevents me writing on tangents. The content that I was feeling for the three weeks after surgery is gone. All because my ankle is being cut up into a thousand pieces. It is being stabbed repeatedly and the foot bones are throbbing/aching so bad. This is the fourth day of dealing with this pain. I guess the effects of the steroids have worn off and now the pain is back. It isn’t at full volume but it is getting close. I know the exercises I did today where I was doing ankle circles didn’t help. That is when the pain started getting intense. I just ignored it. I didn’t even mention the pain to the PT because what was she going to do? She wants my back healed not my foot/ankle. She said that she was going to have a meeting with another PT about my case to see if I can add strength to the exercises. I think they would need the doctor’s permission to do it. He doesn’t want me carrying anything heavier than a gallon of milk until I see him next.

Because I am in a shit load of pain, I took a bunch of different meds to help ease the pain and help me sleep. I don’t know if the drowsiness will overcome the pain. That is always the question when I take meds for pain. Sometimes it works and I am able to sleep before midnight and then there are times where it doesn’t matter what I take, I am not going to sleep at all and be up all night. I sort of am getting my writing bug back. It has been extremely difficult to get it back. But each day that I write, I feel it reviving. I just hope it doesn’t lead to hypergraphia that I sometimes get. That is not what I want. But it wouldn’t surprise me if I went from 0 to 60 with my writing.