Category: depression

Why am I here?

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

I got this notification today. It made my day. Been up since 4 am in pain. Concussion messed with my memory as I couldn’t remember how to make a fried egg. Made boiled instead. Now I am wicked paying for it. Foot is being crushed and ankle is being stabbed. Really wish that stupid elixir worked. Hate being in this much pain. Depression is so bad. I just want to sleep. Got appts every day this week and then made plans with a friend for dinner Sat. I am such an idiot. I am going to be toast if the pressure and temps keep being a rollercoaster.

I don’t know how i am supposed to go on like this. Yet apparently I am. Maybe reading Marsha Linehan’s memoir will help, if I can remember where I put the book…

abuse finally told

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, suicide

Abuse finally told

****trigger warning****

Wednesday, my mother set off my PTSD. I had such anxiety most of the day that it was driving me crazy along with the intrusive memories and feelings of shame and humiliation. I couldn’t sleep the whole night. I was up because of pain so around 0430 before I went to finally rest, I sent a text to my therapist asking if I could still see her today despite canceling the appointment. She responded like an hour or so later saying yes, I could come in.

I wasn’t sure how I was going to go about this. I had so much on my mind. I needed to ask her input on how to set boundaries with my mother and she said that it is not going to be easy as this is going to be coming from left field with her (my mother). I knew it would be I was just hoping something I could say could diffuse the situation. Really didn’t come up with anything so I started talking about the stuff she did to me. She said if this had happened today, child’s services would have been involved. I still feel sick about all of it. When I told her what she wanted the doctor to do and then I couldn’t tell her what went on at home, with her holding me down to do what she wanted to do. I pretty much told her everything that she ever did to me. She (therapist) thinks my mother is psychotic. She is not trying to take away from what she did to me. My therapist told me what she did was abuse and I was both relieved and scared about this. I always got that what she did was of “motherly concern” so therefore was not abuse. And because when I confronted my mother at 16 she denied it as well as I was told how could I say such things about my mother, it just made me shut down. I denied it because I had to. Now I cannot because it is causing too much turmoil.

The abuse happened when I was a toddler up until I was fourteen. It made the gender dysphoria so much more present and also messed with me in other ways. I feel dirty and I don’t think I will ever be clean. This is all I can write at this time. I wish I could write more but it is hurting too much and stirring up too many emotions.

feeling grumpy and hopeless

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Feeling grumpy and hopeless

Monday I saw the concussion doc. I am doing better but he still wants me to go to PT. I was supposed to start Friday but this urine infection is giving me bladder pains and cramps. I just don’t want to do nothing. After the appointment I saw my therapist who let me go after 15 mins of being there. I was so uncomfortable with my bladder that sitting was hard. I wasn’t talkative so she just let me leave. I have mixed feelings about it. I then canceled our appointment for tomorrow. I just cancelled all the appointments I had for the rest of the week. I just feel so miserable and depressed. I don’t want to do a goddamn thing. Yesterday was a complete blur. I didn’t sleep Monday night or kept waking up so I think I slept all day. I know I didn’t eat anything except M&Ms peanut candy and Ensure. I think I just left my room to use the bathroom and that was it.

I woke up in miserable mood. The urine culture came back with some bugs in it. Now I am just waiting to see if the doc wants to treat it or not. I am still having bladder pains. I had called yesterday but they said I had to wait till today for the culture to come back. I thought my depression was getting better but now I feel so much worse. Next week when I see the psychopharm I am going to ask her to see if increasing the duloxetine would be good. The nortriptyline isn’t helping my mood as I am on a low dose but it is helping the pain a bit. My neurologist gave me more than a week’s supply of a muscle relaxant. It is working as I am no longer getting spasms in my feet. They would come on while I was in the shower and omg I thought I was going to die just standing there while my feet spazzed out on me.

Right now I don’t have an appointment with my therapist. I responded to her message but haven’t heard anything yet. I got a few appointments next week. I see the behavioral psychologist and then PT. I also see the psychopharm. I feel so blah and overwhelmed with all these appointments.

I am fricken livid at my mother. I was in the bathroom cathing to pee and she just barges in to throw something in the hamper. WTF she couldn’t wait five fucking minutes??? I am so damn mad that she does this to me all the time. I know I need to tell her to stop but it is so hard talking to her because she doesn’t fucking hear what you tell her half the time and need to repeat it several times for her to get it. Then she thinks about what you say and she goes on a different tangent. Drives me fucking nuts. I want to hit the lottery so I can have my own apartment. I will hire a cleaning lady so I don’t have to worry about dust or the bathroom being dirty.

I have been fighting the urge to nap the past two hours. I am just so damn tired. I woke up three times to pee during the night. I try not to drink but the meds make my mouth dry. I got to switch back to Powerade as Gatorade is like drinking water. Soon as I start drinking, I just want more and more and before I realize it, the bottle is gone. Then I have to stay up to wait for it to go to my kidneys so I can empty my bladder for the night. I think nights of sleeping all night are over. There is like this internal 2-3 AM alarm clock that goes off saying I got to pee. It sucks. And once I go downstairs, do my business, then go back to my room, I am awake for a couple of hours.

I don’t plan on doing anything the next few days. I might get my haircut but that will be all. I just have no motivation to do a damn thing. I just want to sleep but the payback is being up all night. I haven’t eaten today and I don’t think I am going to. I haven’t even had an Ensure. I just had a cold brew and a cup of tea. I made the tea perfect. I love when I do that. It is so good. Wind is picking up. I got an alert that an advisory is in effect. Great. Hope it doesn’t keep me up.

Friday Blah

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Friday blah

Temps went up to around 50 today. I sweated through my PJs despite having the window and fan on. I was so damn hot. My foot woke me up around 1pm. Bladder did too. I have urine infection so I have to go every couple of hours. I hope the medication works for it and the bladder cramps.

I just had to pick up my meds at the pharmacy today. My mother wanted me to go to the bank but she had my nephew go. She didn’t think I was going to get up. I really didn’t feel like going but it makes me walk around the block so I don’t mind it so much. When I came home, I wanted to create a document for the psychopharm for a kind of safety plan. I found an old journal with the Suicide Status Form but it must have been from the early days of when it was being devised. It only had like five items on it, a question about whether the client can keep themselves safe and their signature. No clinician input at all. I created the document and just added a clinician signature to it so that we can both agree to my safety. I will print them out for my therapist and the psychopharm Sunday night. I had sent my therapist a message about our appointment not being in the web thing calendar and she must have put it in today because it is there.

I have two appointments on Monday. I see the concussion doc and then I see the therapist. I have two hours in between appointments. I am going to be fricken tired. As I was going through Twitter last night, Dolly Parton had her song, I will always love you, in a clip. Made me think of Whitney Houston and I tried in vain to get one of her albums downloaded but fricken the Amazon app wouldn’t cooperate. It was having issues and customer service wasn’t helpful. So I downloaded it on my laptop and will transfer the songs after I listen to them for a bit. She has such a talented voice. I remember when I first heard her song, the Greatest Love of All. My aunt, mother’s sister, had come over and told us what the song means. I took it to heart and became an even bigger fan. I was deeply sad that she ended her life a few years ago. I’ve never been a fan of Bobby Brown and when she died, I blamed him for her death.

This weekend I am going to try and change my sheets. I just need to find a clean set of sheets. I have no idea where I put them. I hope they are in my drawer and not in the pile of clothes I have that is turning into a mountain. I think if I am able to change my sheets tomorrow and have a free day Sunday, I will tackle this mountain. I just need to sort through the clothes to decide where I want to put them. Once I take down this mountain, I will have access to my closet and then those clothes can go in there. That is the plan anyway. Probably won’t happen but we’ll see. I just hope my back can get through some of the dismantling.